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rhyl

I am sooo angry with my therapist

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I've been struggling in therapy for awhile. We've been "stuck."  Even he said so. We've tried different things, but the problem is that I've been so depressed and feeling not safe and unmotivated and not-trusting and other stuff (see where I'm going with this - a bunch of different, unrelated stuff) that I have trouble engaging in anything.  I mean ANYTHING. Mindfulness was really helping, until I couldn't do that.

I was very open about all this. I think a few things happened, but two things mostly. First, my psychiatrist dumped me in a really bad way in 2014. I lost all trust in all professionals at that time. After that, I was repeatedly betrayed by several doctors which added to that trust issue. I started having problems with trust with my therapist some time after that and, combined with the depression, etc..., things just didn't go well. I continued to work with him, though, and actually had a huge breakthrough last year. It was one of those spiritual awakenings, though, that drags you through the mud and then, eventually, I think you rise up out of it, except that never happened. I have been lying in the mud and muck all this time, and all my therapist has said to me since is that I just need to search inside because that's where the answers are.

Oh, and that he wants me to be happy, but that's up to me.  

I've told him over and over again, that I need his *help* to get beyond where I am. And truthfully, I feel like he's left me hanging.  He worked with me and got me to where I am, then basically abandoned me. We have been doing very specialized work - he is a Zen priest, and we have been focused primarily on Buddhist stuff, and the place where I got stuck revolves around suffering (mine and others') - and I feel like he really needs to be the one to help me with this.

I am SO DAMN MAD at him because he is not being responsive to me.  I finally decided, about 6 weeks ago, to take a break, because it was chickening me to go there, and he said I could go back or email anytime, but he doesn't respond to me or, when he does (a couple weeks later), it's angrily, with a "I don't know what you want from me" when I'm being more than straightforward and clear.

No, I can't and won't get another therapist. I don't have the money and I don't want to start all over. I don't have the energy to invest that kind of trust in another human being every again. Nobody, NOBODY deserves my trust.  D***it. I really tried this time. I tried so hard.  And he said he'd stick with us on this path.

And he ****ing lied.

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So sorry for your ordeal Rhyl.  I wish I knew what to say.  In 62 years I've only had one therapist that I could really communicate with and then she passed away.  It was a good patient / therapist match but only lasted 3 months.  Three months out of 62 years. Hopefully you will have better luck than I have.  I am so sorry things are not going well for you.  You deserve so much more. 

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I totally understand about going all in and trusting a therapist.  It is very difficult once you do that, ie commit and trust fully, to be able to do that again with a new therapist.

I am not sure how often you saw him, and whether this 6 week break has been a long time, and if you aren't getting email responses that help, whether it is worth trying another in person session to talk another time about what you need to move forward?

And you mention being clear to him about what you need....I think that is really positive that you can visualize/know what would be helpful.  Can you imagine the ideal situation, if the therapist could react/help /talk in whatever way you want - can you picture that - is that something you described to him and he just doesn't understand what you mean?

I am sorry you have been stuck in the mud for so long, and now are hurting over losing the productive relationship part of the therapy that was working for you.

Edited by Thimble

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4 hours ago, Thimble said:

I totally understand about going all in and trusting a therapist.  It is very difficult once you do that, ie commit and trust fully, to be able to do that again with a new therapist.

I am not sure how often you saw him, and whether this 6 week break has been a long time, and if you aren't getting email responses that help, whether it is worth trying another in person session to talk another time about what you need to move forward?

And you mention being clear to him about what you need....I think that is really positive that you can visualize/know what would be helpful.  Can you imagine the ideal situation, if the therapist could react/help /talk in whatever way you want - can you picture that - is that something you described to him and he just doesn't understand what you mean?

I am sorry you have been stuck in the mud for so long, and now are hurting over losing the productive relationship part of the therapy that was working for you.

I guess part of the problem is that I know that I need *something* from him to help me get from where I am to where I need to be (to do all those things he - and everybody else - think I should be doing, but I don't know exactly what it is. 

All he keeps saying to me is that I have what I need inside. That my happiness is up to me.

And I think that is an inherently dangerous thing to say to somebody like me. 

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5 minutes ago, CoolCat7 said:

Just wanted to give you a hug. (((((((Rhyl))))))).  I hope once your therapy is over you can make progress with him.

Thanks.  Just wishing I could see an end to this.

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Been thinking more about this. (What am I saying?  I am thinking about this constantly)  When he finally replied to my email to him (over 2 weeks ago), he said - among other things - that he didn't know what to say, did I want to come back into the office?  And I answered:

"I do.  I just want to be able to be able to move forward.  It's like I'm stuck in concrete right now. But it feels unsafe (emotionally) to me. I don't know how to create safety enough to do that."
 
That was on the 8th.  What I want from him is to let me know that he will help create a safe space to allow that to happen.  I've said that in a number of ways.  But he never responded to this. Sometimes I think/feel like I have to say things in a very particular way (whether in email or in the office) in order to feel safe and elicit a helpful response. It's like I am doing all the work and while I expect to work very hard in therapy, he IS a part of the equation. 
 
My gut tells me I need to move on from this therapist. But I have suffered sooo much loss in such a short amount of time and this person has been incredibly helpful and present for me through a lot of it. I greatly fear what will happen if I drop him. I am not in a place to seek other help. I'm just not. 
 
And all that leaves me desperately alone and hopeless.  

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