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My story (in short)


cariv

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With May being Mental Health Awareness Month I decided to share my story on my blog.  I also shared my blog on facebook and now I'm trying to decide if that was stupid.  Will people judge me?  What will people say?  I'm second guessing myself so bad, but I'm so tired of living my life in silence always pretending to be great when I'm not, keeping my true self a secret and living in isolation.  So hopefully it wasn't the dumbest thing I've done, I guess I'll see.  So, being a safe place I'll share the story that I shared publicly.  It's very short and I kept many details because I wasn't that brave.

With May being mental health awareness month I have decided to share my struggle with depression, bi-polar disorder, PTSD, and anxiety.  I have never shared this with anyone except a few close friends and my family because I have always been ashamed and embarrassed, but I have learned that it isn't my fault or my choice but a disease that I have not chosen.  On the other side, I have chosen to do everything in my power to be healthy and to combat this disease and to not let it control my life, So here is my story.

 

I believe that I have struggled with bi-polar disorder for many years, although I didn't know what it was.  My symptoms kept me more on the high side of the "roller coaster" leaving me with lots of energy, allowing me to function without sleep for night after night and still feel energetic.  I didn't struggle with the depressive side until after Rebecca died in 1995, when I slipped into a deep depression.  That is also the first time that I was aware of my depression in a very real way.  It took a few months and after that I was okay for many months.  After being diagnosed with MS in 2003 depression became a very real part of my life, I was also struggling with PTSD from events from my childhood and the violent attack and rape that I suffered in 1997.  I had never gotten counseling to deal with either one, so for some reason when I began to suffer from the depression, it also began to show up in a bad way.  The depression seemed to take over my life.  It became hard for me to function at times and sometimes I had a hard time even finding the will to live.  If it hadn't been for my husband and children sometimes I'm not sure I could have found that will.  No matter how hard I tried, the depression sometimes just took me under so deep that it was like climbing out of a hole with no leverage.  In June of 2010 I attempted suicide by overdosing on pain pills.  After taking the pills I got really scared and called my mom and told her what I had done.  She took me to the hospital where I had to drink nasty charcoal.  After that, I was admitted to the psychiatric hospital where I was put on medications to treat my depression and received counseling and treatment.  It was a very scary time in my life and left me feeling scared, a bit crazy and distanced from my family and friends because I didn't feel like they understood what I was going through and often they did not.  Living isolated and in silence didn't help my depression any and over the next several years I have struggled with many more ups and downs that this disease brings.  I am finally on the right medicines and am feeling good mentally for the first time in a very long time.  The nice thing about feeling good mentally is that I also feel good physically.  I know that I will still struggle with the disease of bi-polar and depression throughout my life, but having control of my life will help me stay a step ahead of it.  I am no longer afraid to share my story because my true friends and my family will be there to support me, and I love them for that.  I could not do it without them.  So in the short, that is my story.

 

 

Edited by cariv
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Thank you for sharing your story.  I personally find it very inspiring.  I would like to write more, but tendinitis in my hands prevents me from typing for long.  I wish you only good things Cariv

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Thank you for your support, it means the world to me.  It was really scary to post this on Facebook, but I found support from my friends so far.  It's nice to not have to hide anymore.

 

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