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Trying to be positive


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2017 has been a terrible year so far.  I have spent 6 weeks of it in the hospital after attempting suicide in January while the doctors have tried to adjust my meds and get them right.  I have bipolar, anxiety, severe depression and PTSD.  I am starting to do much better now, but it has taken so much out of me to get to this point.  So much guilt has consumed me as I have been away from my husband and teenage daughter.  I spend so much time wishing things have been different.  I find myself having to choose everyday to be positive, starting each day be journaling and deciding that the day will be good.  Sometimes it works, other times it doesn't.  I keep hoping that one day I will wake up and I won't have to choose, but that it will come naturally, that I will feel good and it will just happen.  Until then, I will keep trying to stay positive by choosing to make that day good, and if I fail and that day is a bad one, I will try to start over that next day.  I know that I'm not alone, I know that there are others that share my pain and that have to choose each day but sometimes I feel so isolated.  No one in my life understand, many think  that I am crazy or seriously messed up, but I don't think I am.  I try to think that it's not my fault that I have this terrible curse called depression.  I just wish that things were different.

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@cariv - Sorry to hear you are going through this at this point in time. There are a few things that you need to keep in mind howecer.

Firstly, it isn't your fault that you suffer from depression. That is one of its dirtiest tricks. We all know it, but we all fall into the trap of piling more unjustified guilt on our shoulders. It's up there with fooling us into thinking we are unworthy of the love of others.

Secondly, if you are making an effort to be positive, that is sometimes all we can do. Without forcing ourselves to be artificially happy, there are ways that we can see positivity each day. You are not alone in trying to change perspective in this regard.

While this site and many others confirms that we are not alone in this plight, it does feel the loneliest walk in the darkness.

I know you've heard all this before, but something like mindfulness might be beneficial for you at this stage.

You are not alone and we are here for you.

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At the root of most anxiety is the wish that the world were different. Try to let go of this. It's hard but for me I try to accept things and try to believe that everything is exactly as it should be, and always works out for the best. Everything happens for a reason, and it's not your fault for being depressed. It's a way to make you stronger. 

I too have to struggle to choose being positive every day and it's not easy when i fail. Wondering if I can ever stop choosing it and if it can come naturally instead but I'm starting to doubt it cos this is a disease and takes a lot of effort to live every day. 

No, you're not crazy or messed up, we are just different, just like everyone around us have different personalities, this is ours. 

At least that's what I try to believe. You can restart your year, there's still the second half so let's keep trying to be positive together (:

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