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Hi. I'm new and just been going through some life changes and I thought I was doing alright... but for the past couple of days my mantra has been 'I'm gonna **** myself'.

I've struggled with depression my whole life and was finally diagnosed as Bipolar when I was 19. I'm 26 now and sometimes I'm just like 'How? How did I make it this far?' Because I've had suicidal thoughts my whole life.  
My parents divorced when I was 7, and soon after my Mother put my brothers and I in child therapy. My father was very emotionally abusive and my mother also suffers from depression. So, once we were free of him I guess she thought we could all use a little therapy. My mom is my rock. Without her I would have killed myself a long time ago and that is a fact.

However, I HATED therapy. But, that therapist noticed I was suffering and my mother agreed and before I knew it I was on medication.

So, I have been on and off medication since then. Which was a long frustrating process. Some would work and some wouldn't. Some would work for awhile then stop and I'd be back to square one. I'm sure many people on this cite know what I'm talking about.

After a really really low point when I was 19 to 23ish. A time during which I dropped out of college and participated in some very destructive behavior, I got back in to school and have been doing okay. Not great. But okay.

A few years later I'm actually about to graduate with my bachelor's degree in Anthropology. And it's the graduation that's freaked my the F out.

I'm officially panicking.

What if I don't get a good score on the GRE and/or don't get in to Grad school? What if I do get in and cycle and crash and burn and have to drop out? What if I'm just not smart enough? What if the stress triggers me so badly I actually **** myself this time? What if everything goes fine and I graduate with a Masters?? What do I do then?? What if my boyfriend (who doesn't really know the full extent of my bipolar disorder) wants to get married and I get depressed and try to **** myself? That's not fair to him. So should I just end it now and be alone forever?

I just don't know anymore. I know being afraid of the future is fairly normal, but I also know that my mood disorder amplifies these feelings. I'm just tired of being ashamed of myself. I'm tired of making decisions. I'm tired of being paralyzed by my anxiety and not being able to make decisions. I'm just tired.

I sought out a depression forum because I still struggle to reach out. I can not do therapy. I've tried,I really have, but I just can't. It helps soooo many people, but I can't get the words out. I'm too ashamed to talk to my mom and I don't feel like talking to my boyfriend would be very comforting. My best friend, who is also Bipolar, recently moved to Colorado and I just don't want to worry her.

I'm not sure what I was expecting to get out of this. I guess I just needed to put it down into words.

 

 

 

 

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I'm sorry that you're having a difficult time right now. I think fear of the future is a common thing for anyone, not just those of us that deal with mental illness.  

What I find helps me is to try and stay in the moment. I figure that yes there's a possibility that things can go wrong in the future, but all I can do is do the best I can right now. Focus on what's going on now because the fear of the future can ruin the present. So, I think it's best to take things as they come.

Of course you're going to be scared about getting into grad school, getting married, what you'll do once you graduate, etc. These are major life events and if they didn't scare you then you wouldn't be normal. With major events like that I just try and "do" or "proceed" with them (however you're supposed to say it) even though I'm scared. Sometimes in life that's all we can do, feel the fear but try anyway. Believe me, I mean that in a supportive way.  I'm not trying to say "just suck it up and deal." That's not how any of this works. I guess I just mean sometimes life is scary and we just have to try our best.

I hope this helps some.

All The Best, 

Shadows

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