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Alex5

Please help me

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Hi everyone. I am a 17 year old suffering with very bad depression and have had the depression for about the past 5 years. I really can't take it anymore so I thought I would join this forum. Anyway, I feel like life isn't worth living. I have been thinking about getting rid of myself but I probably won't because I don't have the strength. I also truly hate myself and view myself as a heap of garbage. I don't think any of you really want to read this so you don't have to. I also have extreme social anxiety so that doesn't help anything. I don't even know why I am even bothering writing this because no one is going to reply anyway. I don't know, I just need some support about depression. I guess that's it.  

Edited by Alex5

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Oh well.  Hi and welcome!  I'm personally glad you wrote here, because I know exactly what it feels like to hate yourself.  You have been depressed since you were 12, is that right?  I'm so sorry. That's a big burden for someone so young. Does anyone else know?  I was depressed when I was very young and I never got any help.  I don't recommend that. If you haven't told anybody, I hope you can find someone you trust and let them know what's going on.

So, do you want to talk about anything special? Folks here are pretty good listeners. :-)  You don't even have to talk about what's bothering you if you don't want. You can just look around and find a forum here where you are comfortable, if you want.

So glad you are here!

rhyl

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Hi,

Please post all you want. Usually you will get replies. Even if you didn't, sometimes it helps just to get things out.

 I know it sucks. I'm sorry you've been dealing with anxiety and Depression for most of your high school years. I did too. Do you have any friends or family you talk to that can help you during this time?

Keep posting. We are here for each other. 

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Hi thanks guys for so much support. I actually do go to a psychologist but that hasn't been working to good for some reason. I think because I kind of just gave up on everything and I feel like there is no point in getting better anymore. I feel like maybe life just isn't worth living so why should I even get better. what would be the point because maybe this isn't depression. maybe it is just that life is horrible. Maybe I should get rid of myself and say forget it. I am a failure in life and most likely will always be. I'm not sure if It is really okay to talk about all my stupid thoughts on here. but I guess I will anyway. I just don't want to waste anyone's time. I will try to reply sooner if I can. and yes rhyl I have been somewhat depressed since I was 12-13 years old but it got a lot worse. I hate myself so much because I am sure I am the most dumbest person on the planet. I am also the most ugly and just plain old disgusting. Everyone around me says I am smart even people I don't really know tell me that. but I still don't believe it. My Mom, Dad and sister all are trying to help me. but I don't care anymore. I am sorry for wasting your guys time on my stupid words. I am sure you have better things to do then read a piece of garbage's sad life. Whatever I guess that's enough wasteful talking for now. who cares anymore WHATEVER. bye. and also I don't have any friends but that's the story of my life.

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If no one wants to reply further that's alright. I don't want to waste any of your guys time. Feel free to ignore me. And I am 1 person out of 7 billion people on this planet so I am sure I don't matter to anyone. If you do for some bizarre reason reply to this then I would be shocked. but you probably won't because who has time for this. Anyway for the slight chance that someone reads this I appreciate you wasting your time.

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Fine I guess if none of you want to respond whatever. This forum sucks. None of you guys even care enough to write anything anymore. Is this what this is about? you get a couple of people saying "oh everything will be fine" and then not responding ever again? stupid. maybe writing on this stupid forum was a mistake. I doubt anyone going to read this anyway. heck with it. I hate all of you. especially because no one wants to respond. I know that you guys aren't on this 24-7 but I noticed you guys went on this recently and didn't have the heart to respond to my agony. so I hate you. If any one you have a heart anymore then respond. say anything. even if it is "are you ok?" and that's it. I don't care but please. And if you don't respond I am going to shut down my stupid account and say heck with life. And if you are too much of a chicken to respond than why did you go on this forum anyway? if no on responds in the next 24 hours I will shut down my account. Well I wont give promises because I am probably going to be too weak to do it. But whatever it is not like any of you guys have a heart. So bye guys forever if any of you don't respond in the next 24 hours. remember even if you give me a period and post it I will be happy because that means at least someone has a heart. But probably no one will.

Edited by Alex5

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You know what? scratch that 24 hour thing as I said in my last post. if no one reply's in the next 10 minutes I am going to scream my head off. And I will reply "I HATE MY LIFE!". to show my pain.

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Oh sorry I didn't see your post Diego. I guess I wont be screaming. thanks for having a heart and replying. it really helps. I will consider sending you a message. thanks.

Edited by Alex5

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Thanks I guess like you said topics finish quickly. I guess it is not that people don't care. I don't know. And I get what you are trying to say. thanks again for the reply.

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I wish I saw this earlier. I know how it is to feel like nobody cares. If you are just looking to talk, I'd post in one of the busy topics, like in the "water cooler" forum. People generally check in there pretty frequently.

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4 hours ago, S_A_P_P_Y said:

I wish I saw this earlier. I know how it is to feel like nobody cares. If you are just looking to talk, I'd post in one of the busy topics, like in the "water cooler" forum. People generally check in there pretty frequently.

Thanks it's alright. I mean, I am still feeling really sick with the depression and thinking that no one cares. I don't know, my brain feels stuck on thinking no one cares when in reality I am sure people do care. I just cant think correctly. I could try that forum maybe. thanks for the help.

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Hi, Alex.    Welcome to the forum.

People not replying doesn't mean they don't care.  This forum doesn't give you automatic notifications that somebody replied unfortunately.  You have to manually do it for literally everything you write.  

I'm really sorry for how you're feeling.  Whenever we get in that dark place our brains cloud our thoughts and we're in such despair we truly start to believe nobody cares and that we are nothing but worthless when it isn't true.  Adolescence is already tough without depression.  As somebody had already mentioned, life does get better after high school.  For now you should embrace things you really enjoy and not be so hard on yourself.  You should also remember that you are not a piece of garbage or wasting anybody's time.

It's good to write out how you feel sometimes whether it is on here or in a notebook.  I have done that and have revisited what I wrote on a good day realizing how wrong I was to think that way or find the answers that I hadn't yet discovered at the original writing date.  Stay strong.

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Hey Alex,

I try to get on here when I can but lately my own depression/anxiety has been so overwhelming so I don't always have the power to get on here and help people. Definitely wasn't ignoring you, I literally just received the email notification on this thread. 

But you didn't answer my original question, why do you hate yourself so much?

I used to be extremely negative when I was a teen. I used to have a journal and all my thoughts were like, why does life suck? I hate everyone etc. What started getting me thinking positive and coming out of my shell was listening to Anthony Robbins. He's the world renowned motivational speaker. Man if you need help or direction or advice I would definitely start listening to his material. He's awesome. He's changed 1000's upon 1000's of people's lives. 

I still get negative too don't get me wrong but negative thinking and beating yourself up sucks. It's the worst feeling in the world, I wouldn't even waste your time with it. If you continue saying I'm worthless, stupid etc. you're sealing your fate as being miserable. Screw being miserable. So what's going on exactly that you're so unhappy?

Also feel free to message me if you ever need to also :)

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Hi there again,

I don't know if you have read some of the other posts on here, but there are a lot of folks on here - me included - who are hurting pretty badly, so if we don't answer right away, it could be we are dealing with our own stuff. Doesn't mean we don't care.  Not at all. As a matter of fact, the folks on here care more than anybody I know. But I'm not on here too much - I work a lot - and when I'm not working I'm so depressed I don't feel like doing anything.

I'm glad you are still around, though, and writing here!  I'm wondering about your psychologist and why you think that isn't working? Are you just not connecting with him/her?  Do you trust him/her? Do you think it might help to see someone new?

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Hi everyone sorry I wasn't on here for a while replying to everyone. I just haven't been feeling too good. I am not really sure why I hate myself so much. Some of it has to do with my social life. Because I have such a hard time interacting with anyone which makes me hate myself. Also my intelligence. I believe I am stupid even though people say I am not. And how I look. I view myself as ugly. All these things contribute to my self esteem. And feeling like I am a failure is a big part of it. And also because school hasn't been working out too good. And having no friends and feeling like no one cares. So these are the reasons why I hate myself. it is just a bunch of different things. And with my psychologist, I feel like it isn't working because I have such a hard time expressing myself to him. but recently I have been doing it through email which is a lot easier then talking in person. I have such extreme social problems that I cant even really talk to people and barely make eye contact. So writing emails has been a way to express myself more than I can through live talking. And then of course I can see him and try my best to talk and try to get rid of my social anxiety. But recently I think it is working a little better with him so that's good. So I guess it is sort of working. And I do trust him and talk to him about things. And DurandalBlue I will see about listening to Anthony Robbins. Anyway, for an update on how I am I was feeling very suicidal yesterday. But I called my psychologist and he helped me a little. Yesterday was definitely a bad day for me but I am not feeling as suicidal today. but I still feel very depressed. Anyway, I guess that's it. thanks guys for the help. And I understand that you guys can't always reply right away. Alright hopefully I and everyone else feeling depressed will start feeling a little better at least for today.

Edited by Alex5

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Hey Alex,

You're definitely not alone with how you feel. I always have (and still do) have a hard time interacting with people and making eye contact. I often feel disrespected by people and not always treated the way I would like. I had an extremely difficult time making friends at school and being accepted. I am fairly handsome guy but my looks have not been able to help me feel the way I want. It's not that no one cares it's just that people are so worried about their own selves that it's just hard to focus attention onto others. 

Everyday I feel like this is prison and I am making a tally in the wall each passing day when death arrives which is when the sentence will end. Everyday I see new people that state similar issues as well. So I think a lot of us are tired of life and are eagerly awaiting for it to end.

Pretend your driving a car. One direction is a beach oasis that's warm, sunny with nothing but good friends, fun, peace and happiness. Every single feeling and thing you want is there. The other direction is a barren crappy wasteland that is miserable. So if you're driving the car just steer towards the oasis and stay on course as best as possible. Screw the wasteland don't even waste your time driving in that direction. Just get to healing, peace, happiness and the feelings you want as fast as possible. There will be times when you can't help but drive towards the negativity and that's fine. Let it out. But then afterwards just get back on the road towards the oasis.

Beating yourself up just guarantees you'll stay miserable. Look up 'emoto water crystals' online. You'll see that water crystals that were told loving things had a perfect, pristine, bright structure and those told bad things looked ugly, distorted and broken. 

I know it's not easy but try to focus on the things about yourself you do like or do well. Because there's a positive and negative viewpoint to everything. But you choose what you want to focus on. You're doing everything 100% correct all the time. When you drop a plate it's not that you're stupid, you were a master at dropping it. You nailed braking that plate! When you open the fridge say 'look at that, look at my herculean strength that opened that door'. 

There's an exercise I have been doing called the 'I Love You' exercise. I have noticed this past week I have been feeling more brighter, calmer and happier since doing it. You just sit down, relax and focus on your heart. Then you say I love You to it for a bit. And really get into it. Don't do it half xxxed. When you do this you start the healing process. All pains, wounds, traumas, obstacles become healed and you start to restore yourself back to your original whole happy form. It really does work. If you listen to nothing or no else do this everyday. Life will turn around so quick you'll be amazed! 

So that's all I got for now but just hang in there. Everything happens for a reason and everything will work out one way or another. It's just that enduring the growth process is tough. But you're not alone. 

Message me whenever you want :)

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Conversing with your psychologist by e-mail sounds good right now and since it is working so well, hopefully that will help a lot more and eventually transition down the line back into person-to-person sessions.  Just take things day by day.  Self-hate is hard to tackle, especially as an adolescent but focus on the things that you like about yourself to help combat the negativity.  Maybe one day when your social anxiety gets better you can do a hobby where you meet people your age interested in the same thing.  Sometimes a fresh start helps like going to a new school, but sometimes that's not possible due to what year you are and if your area does zoning.  Keep your chin up.

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27 minutes ago, Azzurra18 said:

Conversing with your psychologist by e-mail sounds good right now and since it is working so well, hopefully that will help a lot more and eventually transition down the line back into person-to-person sessions.  Just take things day by day.  Self-hate is hard to tackle, especially as an adolescent but focus on the things that you like about yourself to help combat the negativity.  Maybe one day when your social anxiety gets better you can do a hobby where you meet people your age interested in the same thing.  Sometimes a fresh start helps like going to a new school, but sometimes that's not possible due to what year you are and if your area does zoning.  Keep your chin up.

Yeah it is helping to talk by email to get out what I am feeling. I also am hoping that I get more comfortable and can talk to him in person. I will try to take things day by day. It is just so hard when you don't feel good. Today didn't go as well as I wanted, I still felt a little suicidal. But I managed to get through the day and I should just focus on getting through each day and hope I will feel better the next. I am still very anxious when it comes to talking in person and just being around other people. But I feel like maybe with exposure of being around other people it is getting a little easier. It would be nice to meet people my age interested in the same kind of things. And I will try to keep my chin up. Thanks you for helping me. it helps to know you care.  

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9 hours ago, Honeyflower said:

This is uncalled for and you're threatening us. Just because you're short of replies it doesn't mean people don't care. Sometimes people don't know what to say, me included. I know that you're hurting but to say that you will close your account is your choice, the forum isn't for everyone. I am sorry if I sound harsh but it needed saying. Also you had replies, You have to help yourself too.

Sorry that you're having difficulties but aren't we all?

 

Yes I am very sorry if I threatened you or anyone else. I was feeling very hopeless and couldn't think straight. I definitely didn't intend to write what I wrote. I understand now that people just don't know what to say and it is not that they don't care. I was in a panic and felt extremely depressed and couldn't help but think people were ignoring me. And I am happy that people replied before I said that. I don't now exactly why I felt like people were being mean and ignoring. but now I now that is not the case. I am sorry again for sounding like I was threatening or anything else. and I understand that we all have our difficulty's. 

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10 hours ago, DurandalBlue said:

Hey Alex,

You're definitely not alone with how you feel. I always have (and still do) have a hard time interacting with people and making eye contact. I often feel disrespected by people and not always treated the way I would like. I had an extremely difficult time making friends at school and being accepted. I am fairly handsome guy but my looks have not been able to help me feel the way I want. It's not that no one cares it's just that people are so worried about their own selves that it's just hard to focus attention onto others. 

Everyday I feel like this is prison and I am making a tally in the wall each passing day when death arrives which is when the sentence will end. Everyday I see new people that state similar issues as well. So I think a lot of us are tired of life and are eagerly awaiting for it to end.

Pretend your driving a car. One direction is a beach oasis that's warm, sunny with nothing but good friends, fun, peace and happiness. Every single feeling and thing you want is there. The other direction is a barren crappy wasteland that is miserable. So if you're driving the car just steer towards the oasis and stay on course as best as possible. Screw the wasteland don't even waste your time driving in that direction. Just get to healing, peace, happiness and the feelings you want as fast as possible. There will be times when you can't help but drive towards the negativity and that's fine. Let it out. But then afterwards just get back on the road towards the oasis.

Beating yourself up just guarantees you'll stay miserable. Look up 'emoto water crystals' online. You'll see that water crystals that were told loving things had a perfect, pristine, bright structure and those told bad things looked ugly, distorted and broken. 

I know it's not easy but try to focus on the things about yourself you do like or do well. Because there's a positive and negative viewpoint to everything. But you choose what you want to focus on. You're doing everything 100% correct all the time. When you drop a plate it's not that you're stupid, you were a master at dropping it. You nailed braking that plate! When you open the fridge say 'look at that, look at my herculean strength that opened that door'. 

There's an exercise I have been doing called the 'I Love You' exercise. I have noticed this past week I have been feeling more brighter, calmer and happier since doing it. You just sit down, relax and focus on your heart. Then you say I love You to it for a bit. And really get into it. Don't do it half xxxed. When you do this you start the healing process. All pains, wounds, traumas, obstacles become healed and you start to restore yourself back to your original whole happy form. It really does work. If you listen to nothing or no else do this everyday. Life will turn around so quick you'll be amazed! 

So that's all I got for now but just hang in there. Everything happens for a reason and everything will work out one way or another. It's just that enduring the growth process is tough. But you're not alone. 

Message me whenever you want :)

Hi DurandalBlue, I like the driving car analogy. And I looked up emoto water crystals and it is interesting. I will try to focus on the things about myself. And I can also try that exercise. Thank you for the help. And it is nice to know I am not alone. And Thanks for letting me know I can message you. I hope you feel better and have a nice day.

Edited by Alex5

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Anytime, Alex.  :)  I'm always here as well as everybody else.

It sounds like you are making good progress and you are dealing with feeling terrible very well.  That's what makes those of us who are anxious and/or depressed stronger than most people; we have to deal with dark clouds sometimes on top of going through daily activities so we become experts and not sweating the small stuff and taking things little by little.  

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