Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
flyflyTom

my life is broken once again

Recommended Posts

Sorry, but once in a while i hit the rock bottom, and feel utter need to spread my sadness wherever I can. My girlfriend broke up with me today, after we had tried reviving our relationship. the attempt lasted around a month. I was in a relationship with her for 1,5 years. We hooked up while she still had a boyfriend, although their relationship was in fact over long ago, the funny thing is, I almost ended up like that guy. Nevertheless, we were in love, for a year there has been only one reoccuring problem that is sex. Once in a while i would lose my erection, and my girlfriend would start crying, and get very upset, it made me feel guilty i developed performance anxiety, and out of fear of not being able to satisfy her, my body would lower my libido to 0. I am also a foot fetishist, i am seeing a therapist right now concerning this issue because for 23 years of my life i had the wrong idea about sexual life.

When we started sleeping together, it was like a dream, at those times we actually felt closest, and everytime we'd say that we love each other, we could both feel it. In the midst of all what happened sex stopped giving us this feeling. We started to drift away from each other, when I had finally found courage to see a therapist about my situtation, she broke up with me the day before. After seeing a therapist, she gave me hope, she made me believe that my sex life can be normal.

I gave my ex some time to rethink her decision, she came to a conclusion that we can give it a try, but she wants us to go very slow, and start dating again. I was happy with the idea, because i sincerely missed this feeling of suspense. To me, most feelings came back, once again I wanted to all the things we did at the beginning. Unfortunately after a week, she left for 3 days and contacted me only about the erasmus exchange we were supposed to have together, and our conversations would stop at that. After she came back she told me it might not be the best idea for us to go together. I fell down deep inside myself, I've decided then to let it go, and so i did. I decided to change the time, and a place of my erasmus direction, and in the end, we'd end up not seeing each other for a year part from holidays. Week later, when emotions stopped boiling, i asked her to turn back my stuff, when we met, she hugged me, and kept hugging me. We were happy to see each other. I was kissing her, hugging her, she was crying. I told her then that i don't care about the erasmus, we still had 5-6 months left to spend together if she'd like to try being together fo real. She agreed. this month has actually been great, we dated, we did our thing when we didn't see each other.

It was yesterday that she finally invited me back to her place for supper, movie, and obviously sex. We were both terrified. After i confronted her what she thinks, she told me she was terrified, and that she doesn;t want to have sex. From that moment we both sighed because the tension was gone, we laughed, we hugged, we talked, we watched a movie. She would say that she feels most comfortable with me than anyone else. She asked me to stay over anyway, and so i did. in the morning she was silent. I asked whether she still wants to keep trying to make it work. She said she's not sure, and that she might have misjudged her feelings because all this might've been due to her fear of loneliness.

I fell. I fell hard once again. I've had a 3 weeks holiday, only to get back to this hole. I don't believe I will find anyone like her. Someone that beautiful, someone who'd accept all my kinks differences, and love me for them. It was so genuine. There were times, when i though about breaking up as well, but i never did, never wanted to. Deep down I always believe that her love for me is still there. This pain is overwhelming me, I don't want to by a burden anymore, I don't want to suffer. Life has taken my mother from me when i was 12. I am doing my best to be a good person, I am always myself, I try to strive for more, yet I always get destroyed like this. Why can't she love me, why can't i love her is love really that feeling at the 1st 6 months of a relationship? because i don't believe there's anything else besides convenience after that anymore. I am sorry for making it this long, it is a still shoter version. I don't really believe anyone will stick till the end, maybe besides the administrator, but if you do, thank you. I wish this would all go away, i find comfort when i think about my death which is even worse.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi flyflyTom,

    I am so sorry for what you you are going through.  It sounds so incredibly difficult and painful.  I wish I know what to say that would actually "help" you in this situation, but my mind is a total blank.  Maybe it is my own depression that makes it so hard to think.  I am certainly rooting for you and hoping your relationship can be restored!  Please forgive me for not being able to offer you advice!  Does your therapist have any good advice for how you can restore your relationship to this girl?  What does your therapist say about what is going on?  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I joined this site while i split up with my most current ex gf.  I can not really give it justice, to try and describe the pain i went through. Was worse than my divorce.  Its been a lil more than a year. I work very hard mentally, i have had a lot of support.  But its not so bad once some time has past.  I still get thoughts of her pop in my head.  Like how could someone who loved someone else could do that to them.  Then becomes a question if she loved me.  But then, i come back to the present moment. I remember there is a true beauty to this world.  I am grateful, as much as i can.  But, very different from what i was. If you ever wanna talk just pm.  You def arent alone, many struggle with loss.  Acceptance can be a powerful tool.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey glfinding, and Epictetus

Thank you very much for your responses despite of being in a difficult situations yourselves. Yesterday's evening, actually helped me a lot, but I am not entirely sure what has happened. I've cried a lot, and I was on the brink of bursting into tears many times throghout the day, but anyway I still decided to go to the gym with my friend. After the workout, i noticed my ex gf called me, so after a while i gave her a call back and she wanted... to hear my voice and ask what's up, I acted as if nothing had happened with a genuine satisfaction and happiness in my voice due to a good training, and also i was on my way to a party with my friends. I even invited her but she said that her parents just came back etc and she couldn't. anyway, it felt almost as if our talk in the morning didn't happen. She told me that I might be somebody who just fills the hole of loneliness, and i won't forget this sentence. It felt very strange because I didn;t know whether my good mood was due to my workout, or her being needy, or both. I am also not entirely sure whether her call was a cry of need, or just clearing conscience. I honestly can't follow this girl anymore. Was it a way for her to somehow clear her conscience? it didn't feel like it to be honest.

For a few months I've been taking a hold of my life, the first time she dumped me, I've started working out, soon there will be 2 months when I actively go to the gym, I;ve also picked up playing guitar, and learned to play 2 songs so far. I've learned to cherish the moments I can just relax, and not think about my current situation as far as breakup is concerned. I struggle through pain just to finally get these moments. Just like you glfinding I try my best to notice the beauty of this world, to realise that there is an entire world full of women, and people in general. I will need some time though, but hopefully with my hard work everything will turn out fine. I will keep your offer about pm in my mind, thank you very much :).

I also hope everything will turn out fine at your end Epictetus, it takes strenght to comfort somebody while being in a tough spot yourself, so I am grateful for your concern. I am starting to doubt that my relationship is worth saving. My heart won;t accept it though. Even after all she'd put me through, I still can't force myself to hate her. My therapist is a sexuologist, and she is aware of my situation with my ex, but it's been 3 weeks since I last saw her, I have a scheduled visit on Tuesday. Last time I talked to her i told her that everything was starting to be working out fine. Maybe she can shed some light on her my ex's mind works, and whether i can, should, or shouldn't keep her in my mind.

Thanks for the support :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/2/2017 at 0:20 PM, Epictetus said:

Hi flyflyTom,

    I am so sorry for what you you are going through.  It sounds so incredibly difficult and painful.  I wish I know what to say that would actually "help" you in this situation, but my mind is a total blank.  Maybe it is my own depression that makes it so hard to think.  I am certainly rooting for you and hoping your relationship can be restored!  Please forgive me for not being able to offer you advice!  Does your therapist have any good advice for how you can restore your relationship to this girl?  What does your therapist say about what is going on?  

You always give wonderful advice and help honey. Thank you for responding to the poster ^_^

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yea sounds to me you got your groove.  It took me like 4 months to get out of bed. And then when i did, i wasmt sure what was going to make my life better.  But i got this job as a chef at a football stadium, and things started falling in place. I got back into music going to concerts, started playing video games i had missed in five years, bought myself nice clothes.  Prolly a longer list of stuff now, but did not happen fast.  Working out is great. I used to be really fit, was in the army a few years, and installed carpet and tile for a long time. Maybe this past year just wanted to give my body a break. But if you really focus, you can lose yourself working out or running. And the benefits are great. Just keep pushing through. There will be tough days, as far as thinking about her, but if youve already figured out a couple things, like me, im sure things will fall into place too.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

Announcements

×
×
  • Create New...