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cheshire_chick

DBT is not helping...

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I have BPD. The usual gamut of severe anxiety n.o.s., dysthymia, depression, blah blah blah...

I feel like most of my days lately are just trying my best to keep myself out of the hospital. If push comes to shove I'd rather give up and get stupid-drunk or high, or just sleep for 15 hours - instead of the urge to seriously harm myself or run to the ER. This is ridiculous.

I'll still put all of my effort into DBT since I am lucky to have it available to me. But quite frankly I just feel like it is b.s. I get the merits of it. It's very zen-buddhist-hippy "learn to love and accept yourself" sorta thing. That's great. I even have paintings of Buddha around my house. I have always had a general understanding of mindfulness, and concepts like the root of all suffering is desire. I guess I can't help but feel like I am all but TOO self aware, and I know that I am stuck in my head - sitting on the floor and being fascinated with some little object just seems to me like "okay BPD kid, just play with this so you don't think about suicide anymore." Sort of like sticking your fingers in your ears and shouting LA LA LA to the voices in your head; just in a mature and zen fashion.

Radically accept, but distract yourself. Follow one path of thought, but evaluate three different states of mind. Don't judge behaviors and thoughts, but chain analyze every issue...

It just feels so ridiculous to me. I am really trying. But all I have every class is these grand existential questions that usually baffle the instructors. I tend to shy away from asking them anymore.

My psych got me on lamotrigine, which really seems to help the outrageous mood swings. But I am incredibly, deeply depressed right now. I barely move during the day. I don't feel like existing.

So many people seem to think DBT is the end-all cure-all for BPD, and the only real answer. Do you think that's the case?

Maybe it just doesn't work for some people.

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DBT did not 'fix me'. No. Not in the slightest.

 

But some of the skills are pretty useful, after relentless practice.

Like S.T.O.P. or the TIPP one.

(Apart from that time where I might have been intoxicated ad figured dunking my head in the sink would help, it kinda did as I nearly knocked myself out and forgot about my crisis ha).

 

I had my moments where I didn't agree with a statement and would question it. Thankfully some of the trainers would be willing to dive into those questions. Others not so much, they just read the pages pretty much. Plus dealing with the other BPD'ers there wasn't easy. No offense to anyone, obviously, but I am pretty impressed we never attacked each other haha

But that said, try and find a skill or two that DO work for you and try and practice whenever you can. For me it was mostly the STOP one.

Regarding the mindfulness, in our group they did that at the start, just to try and get you to shake off the outside world. I pretty much sucked at mindfulness as I am super judgemental, but some of them were doable. But mindfulness is not the core of DBT, the skills are. So, give yourself credit for at least acknowledging the fact that you are mindful about the mindfulness exercises being floaty and possibly not an option for you. Mindfulness is not set in stone.

 

Btw, I also radically accepted I am still and will always be judgemental as feck. I am just a bit nicer about it now.

Edited by Tux

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