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I've Exhausted My Will Power


Parkash

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Hi. I have been suffering with depression for eight years now. I'm 29 years old. I have spent my entire youth battling this illness. But now I have started to realize that my depression is stronger than my will power. I can no longer struggle with myself to get out of the bed in the morning, to drag myself to office. I have been switching jobs on and off all these years. I don't feel like living but suicide is not an option for me. I want to take a break but my financial situation does not allow me that. I know there could not be any simple one liner answer to it (maybe there is). I wish I could spend the rest of my life in the woods without any people around me.

Simply put. I want to die. But I can't

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Is there any sort of job or hobby that you would be happy with? Perhaps you could consider going to school for education in a specific field. Or even a field where you would not be interacting with individuals on such a common basis. If the idea of living in the wilderness excites you, maybe try a park ranger? I know there is a lot of physical training that goes into it. Inevitably you would have human contact, but it wouldn't be constant, and you could just exist, a little more comfortably.

 

if you are in the US, I know a few people that suffer from debilitating depression and are on disability for it. Their quality of life hasn't changed,  but they are at least able to focus more time on their mental illness.

 

i hope you figure out something that works for you and gives you happiness or at least comfort in life. 

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Wow, you sound exactly like me. Like I could have written this exact post. I am also 29, job hop from menial job to job constantly, and feel the same suicidal feelings you do. I feel my depression has completely ruined my chance at having a meaningful career and it's just too late for me.

I wish I had some actual advice for you but I just want to let you know that you are not alone in your suffering. If you ever need someone to relate and talk to please feel free to message me any time. I'm not always on here every day, but a few times a week, normally when I'm at work because that's when my depression is at its absolute worst because i have nothing but time to sit here and think about it all day.

I hope you can find some relief soon. Hang in there. :console:

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I am so sorry that you are suffering!!!  Depression is awful beyond words.  Are you in the care of a physician?  Physicians can diagnose and treat forms of depression.  I am 62 years old and have been helped so much by medical treatment.  I wish you only good things Parkash!

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So sorry to hear about your emotional pain. I agree with Epictetus. You should look for a good psychiatrist and reach out for help from a professional. Have you shared you feelings with friends or family? I'm lucky to have a great husband who listens to me when I feel extremely hopeless or anxious, and it really helps. Hang in there. We understand exactly how you feel.

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Is there any sort of job or hobby that you would be happy with? Perhaps you could consider going to school for education in a specific field. Or even a field where you would not be interacting with individuals on such a common basis. If the idea of living in the wilderness excites you, maybe try a park ranger? I know there is a lot of physical training that goes into it. Inevitably you would have human contact, but it wouldn't be constant, and you could just exist, a little more comfortably.

 

if you are in the US, I know a few people that suffer from debilitating depression and are on disability for it. Their quality of life hasn't changed,  but they are at least able to focus more time on their mental illness.

 

i hope you figure out something that works for you and gives you happiness or at least comfort in life. 

Hi..Thanks for your reply. I'm from India. I am willing to switch my job field wherein I could have some solitude even if that comes with lower pay. I know it will take real courage (something that I'm completely bereft of) to start anew. I hope I try.

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Wow, you sound exactly like me. Like I could have written this exact post. I am also 29, job hop from menial job to job constantly, and feel the same suicidal feelings you do. I feel my depression has completely ruined my chance at having a meaningful career and it's just too late for me.

I wish I had some actual advice for you but I just want to let you know that you are not alone in your suffering. If you ever need someone to relate and talk to please feel free to message me any time. I'm not always on here every day, but a few times a week, normally when I'm at work because that's when my depression is at its absolute worst because i have nothing but time to sit here and think about it all day.

I hope you can find some relief soon. Hang in there. :console:

Hi. Sorry to know that you feel the same way. It feels good at the same time to know that someone knows what this illness feels like because I feel that no matter how hard I try, I could never make a normal person understand what I'm going through. For many, it's just an abstraction. Every single cell in my body wants to give up. Wish I could fast forward the time and jump to the last day of my life on this earth.

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I am so sorry that you are suffering!!!  Depression is awful beyond words.  Are you in the care of a physician?  Physicians can diagnose and treat forms of depression.  I am 62 years old and have been helped so much by medical treatment.  I wish you only good things Parkash!

Hi. Thanks for your wishes. Yes I am on medication and it did help initially but now I can't tell the difference. The psychiatrist asked me to take a 30 minutes walk daily, to pray but my depression is at its worst in the morning. Getting out of the bed is the real challenge for me. I look for excuses to skip office. My performance at work is on decline. I may be fired soon and I have no idea what am I gonna do after that.

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So sorry to hear about your emotional pain. I agree with Epictetus. You should look for a good psychiatrist and reach out for help from a professional. Have you shared you feelings with friends or family? I'm lucky to have a great husband who listens to me when I feel extremely hopeless or anxious, and it really helps. Hang in there. We understand exactly how you feel.

Hi. Thanks for your comment. Yes I am seeing a psychiatrist and I've been on medication for quite a while now. As far as sharing my feelings are concerned, I find it extremely difficult to convey my emotions to others. I do't make the effort because I know no one will understand.

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Hi @Parkash, I'm too 29 years old. I've been battling this beast since my younger years as well. My financial situation sucked and I needed a break regardless. Just a timeout to figure myself out, do some soul searching. Here's what I did, if you qualify- look into FMLA Short Term Disability. You won't get your full paycheck, but depending on your benefits you should get some. This allowed enough income for me to keep me afloat but more importantly find myself without having the daily struggles of adulting clouding my judgement. It wasn't all rainbows and candy for me though, I worked for peace. I did an outpatient DBT program, this was only a couple hours a day which allowed me my afternoons to work on myself, find what makes my heart happy and I made myself stay out of the house. Needless to say, I'm not cured, but I developed those skills to better work through life with. I still struggle, but my struggling is no where near it used to be. I have hope now, I'm looking forward to what the future holds for me. You have to put yourself first sometimes, that was the hard part about allowing myself to do that. But my job was there and ready for me when I returned. I was a lot better to work with and I excelled in my position. It was better for me, my boss, my coworkers and the company. I was finally 100% again AND it didn't depend on the day. :) 

I hope this helps. Good luck. 

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Hi @Parkash, I'm too 29 years old. I've been battling this beast since my younger years as well. My financial situation sucked and I needed a break regardless. Just a timeout to figure myself out, do some soul searching. Here's what I did, if you qualify- look into FMLA Short Term Disability. You won't get your full paycheck, but depending on your benefits you should get some. This allowed enough income for me to keep me afloat but more importantly find myself without having the daily struggles of adulting clouding my judgement. It wasn't all rainbows and candy for me though, I worked for peace. I did an outpatient DBT program, this was only a couple hours a day which allowed me my afternoons to work on myself, find what makes my heart happy and I made myself stay out of the house. Needless to say, I'm not cured, but I developed those skills to better work through life with. I still struggle, but my struggling is no where near it used to be. I have hope now, I'm looking forward to what the future holds for me. You have to put yourself first sometimes, that was the hard part about allowing myself to do that. But my job was there and ready for me when I returned. I was a lot better to work with and I excelled in my position. It was better for me, my boss, my coworkers and the company. I was finally 100% again AND it didn't depend on the day. :) 

I hope this helps. Good luck. 

Hi @MayzeeDog0518Thanks for sharing your point. Good to know that DBT worked out for you. I did CBT therapy for some time but quit soon after because I just didn't seem to look at the root cause of the issue. What I really need right now is friends and family of which I have none. Even if I do take a break I know I will do nothing but spend the entire day in my bed doing absolutely nothing. The FMLA thing doesn't apply to me because I'm from India and things are different here. Anyways, let's see how far can i go:)

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