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28 no career, can't drive, in debt, fat, broke, and almost friendless


Chubbybunny89

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I feel like I have ruined my whole life. I've been going down this tunnel of self destructive stupid behavior. I've never touched a drug in my life, didn't drink until 21, but I am haunted by my stupid choices in my past and recent life. I was bullied for my looks all throughout middle and high school tanks to being fat from binge eating, and my lazy eye. That created huge insecurities I still hold with me. Because I got lazy and my dad refused to teach me to drive after of anxiety I don't drive. I'm terrified of getting into a wreck, and dying or becoming paralyzed (or brain damage or other life long consequences) I went to college, but took too long to finish thanks to my mental illness. Despite finally finishing and having aspirations to go to graduate school, I allowed a break up and my mental crap to get into the way and had to retake the GRE twice.  Then after that I still didn't do well enough on the math section,and decided to work a year and try again. Well, then I learned that it's hopeless for me to get a job in my field. Why? I don't really know. I have experience, but despite applying to thousands of positions and having many interviews I never get one. In desperation I accepted a part time position at this clinic doing something rather icky that I didn't not enjoy. I was lured in by them telling me they could train me in this other field and have me full time. While working there it became clear they wouldn't need another full time person ,and I quickly became depressive and miserable. I wasn't making enough to pay my bills, but the job was demanding full time hours during the cycles so I didn't get a second job, instead being dumb and putting all my eggs in one basket. I had a mental breakdown one day due to an anxiety trigger, and called out the next day. The office manager then called me that day and fired me. I had a mental breakdown and spiraled downward. Here I was in a lease I couldn't afford, in debt, back at the start, now in a town far away, jobless meanwhile my best friend was moving up in her career and had just bought a new expensive car. I started having relationship issues, and came to the point of wanting to run away to Hawaii. I figured it I'm going to be miserable might as well be miserable in a beautiful place. Things are better now relationship wise, and I signed up for a real estate course that I haven't even gotten through because I'm a moron. We plan to move,but don't know here yet. For me I just want to be somewhere sunny, for him he makes a ton of money and so of course needs a nice big paying job. I'm turning 28 in less than two months and becoming depressed again despite it being summer. My best friend hasn't spoken to me in awhile, and I've become antisocial despite being an extrovert because I'm too embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I also dislike being judged so I've distanced myself from the people I feel judge me. I feel I am too old now and won't be able to have kids bc my bf isn't ready for marriage for who knows how long, and I've got no money so how can I be? Meanwhile his sister is a doctor, my friends all drive and make money etc... People back down where I grew up have houses and are married. I'm having a quarter life crisis. I have no life, I get angry at people calling em dependent or looking down on me. I just want to sleep all the time. 

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I wish I knew what to say that would help.  My mind is in a deep fog right now and I cannot think clearly.  I am terribly sorry you are suffering!  I was done in my the math portion of the GRE.  Amazing that people think that human beings can be measured by standardized tests.  You are suffering so many misfortunes that it is really heartbreaking.  Wish I knew something insightful and practical to say.  I am rooting for you to have a change of luck.  You deserve it ! ! !  - epictetus

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I understand you feel like you've ruined your whole life, but you haven't. Some of the things that have happened are unfortunate, but it does not define you.

A job, friends, children, bf, driving, can shape you and your decisions, but it isn't your self-worth. 

Are you a good friend? Thoughtful and loving individual? A kind daughter? I am going to have to say yes, without even knowing you, because of how much introverted thinking you put into every aspect, and how your actions affect others. 

I will say, I lived in Hawaii for years, and although it is beautiful, if you are not happy where you are, you will likely not be happy there either. But their bus system is amazing, and scans the entire island of Oahu, which would give you a lot of independence, without the worry and anxiety. Is there a bus system in place near you? Also, I used to be deathly afraid of driving, and eventually learned to drive in Hawaii, because most of the interstates are much slower (45mph), and people have a more relaxed vibe about driving. 

You're still young. And there is never a "right" time to have children. No one is ever "ready", but if it is something your heart desires I would have a talk with your bf and see where you are on that page.

Are you taking any medication or getting any help for your anxiety? Because from my personal experience it is hard to get a handle of alone. It makes it extremely difficult to work outside of the home and interact with others.

 

Sorry this is all over the place.

My suggestion is to find a way to get a handle on your anxiety, and the trickle effect will eventually help in other aspects. I'd also suggest being open and honest with your bf about your future, and even your best friend. Reaching out can leave you feeling vulnerable, but if you never let anyone know the issue, how can they ever fix or help it? Also, debt is common, but don't let it discourage you from enjoying life. School is expensive and so is life unfortunately, but it can only be changed when it can. It will workout inevitably, with time. Many hugs!

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3 hours ago, Tid322 said:

I understand you feel like you've ruined your whole life, but you haven't. Some of the things that have happened are unfortunate, but it does not define you.

A job, friends, children, bf, driving, can shape you and your decisions, but it isn't your self-worth. 

Are you a good friend? Thoughtful and loving individual? A kind daughter? I am going to have to say yes, without even knowing you, because of how much introverted thinking you put into every aspect, and how your actions affect others. 

I will say, I lived in Hawaii for years, and although it is beautiful, if you are not happy where you are, you will likely not be happy there either. But their bus system is amazing, and scans the entire island of Oahu, which would give you a lot of independence, without the worry and anxiety. Is there a bus system in place near you? Also, I used to be deathly afraid of driving, and eventually learned to drive in Hawaii, because most of the interstates are much slower (45mph), and people have a more relaxed vibe about driving. 

You're still young. And there is never a "right" time to have children. No one is ever "ready", but if it is something your heart desires I would have a talk with your bf and see where you are on that page.

Are you taking any medication or getting any help for your anxiety? Because from my personal experience it is hard to get a handle of alone. It makes it extremely difficult to work outside of the home and interact with others.

 

Sorry this is all over the place.

My suggestion is to find a way to get a handle on your anxiety, and the trickle effect will eventually help in other aspects. I'd also suggest being open and honest with your bf about your future, and even your best friend. Reaching out can leave you feeling vulnerable, but if you never let anyone know the issue, how can they ever fix or help it? Also, debt is common, but don't let it discourage you from enjoying life. School is expensive and so is life unfortunately, but it can only be changed when it can. It will workout inevitably, with time. Many hugs!

Oh gosh that makes me like the idea of being in Hawaii even more! Unfortunately, the job market in Hawaii is pretty bad, and there's nothing there in my boyfriend's field (though I will probably go and look it up again just to be sure). If I had a million dollars, I would just move to Hawaii and live off the rest of my days there. 

As for opening up to people and them helping.. I'm actually too open. I used to unload all my problems onto my friends. Me keeping it to myself is a novel thing that works better because not only do none of my friends understand what I'm going through,but they were anything but helpful. Most of it was criticism blaming me for being "picky", my boyfriend told me it was my fault for choosing the wrong major, other friends just judge judge judge. So I stopped telling them crap. More like I stopped reaching out and deciding to fix myself first before going back out there. That's when I noticed that they weren't reaching out to me. Or one in particular didn't seem to care. Though I feel I'm burdensome to them and they just grew tired of always driving me around or driving to come get me,and the dislike of my boyfriend probably caused a riff. 

Logically, I know I can get and keep friends even when I'm like this, and even though many people judge me, I judge myself far more ,and my insecurities will destroy any relationship. Okay they won't destroy any relationship, but I'll always be comparing myself.. So I need to fix myself. Lose the weight, start a driving class, get through this stupid real estate class even if I don't have time to sell it could be a back up, and it could help with doing it in another state as mostly laws are different so the test should be easier second time around. 

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I too had a mental illness...Bipolar.  I lived at my parents on and off for many years when my friends were on their own.  It took me many more years than it took the "normal" person to finish college.  I never thought that I would get married or have children.  Honestly, I thought I'd end up chickening myself before anything good happened to me.  Then a reality check hit me about myself.  I was negative.  Yes, I could blame it on the mental illness.  I could have blamed all of my problems on that, and I did for a long time.  The truth is, it didn't help anything.  I just kept getting older and was still stuck in a depressed hole.  Something had to change.  I did.  There is a book titled "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer that totally began my walking in another direction...toward freedom.  I found my salvation in part through that book.  I learned to seek God for my identity, my joy, my future, my success.  None of it was on me or others...only on God.  He was the one who created me and knew me before he even knit me together in his womb.  My faith is the ONLY thing that brought me real hope and healing.  No drug, no person, ever did or could do what God had done for me.  It really is that simple.  I'm not one of those crazy Christians.  Just a person who got tired of being depressed and suicidal and feeling like my dreams were never going to come true and reached out to Jesus for healing.  He will do it for you too.  Just put Him first, pray and read the Bible daily and step by step God will take you through to victory.  God Bless!

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