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SailingSoul

I dont think ill ever find love because of my anxiety/depression

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Even on dating sites, I feel the guys I've talked to are too busy living life and don't need my baggage. 

I think I'm too broken to be loved ..yet that's all I desire.. 

 

Last night was hell for me, in my sleep I woke up bc it felt like I couldn't breathe,,,rhis only happens when I'm extremely anxious..

 

Now fears of dying have resurfaced and I'm afraid to sleep. 

 

That's just one thing I want, is to be in love At least once..,afterwards I could get hit by a truck for all I care. 

 

I just want that experience. 

 

In just so weak now.

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Even on dating sites, I feel the guys I've talked to are too busy living life and don't need my baggage. 

I think I'm too broken to be loved ..yet that's all I desire.. 

 

Last night was hell for me, in my sleep I woke up bc it felt like I couldn't breathe,,,rhis only happens when I'm extremely anxious..

 

Now fears of dying have resurfaced and I'm afraid to sleep. 

 

That's just one thing I want, is to be in love At least once..,afterwards I could get hit by a truck for all I care. 

 

I just want that experience. 

 

In just so weak now.

I feel the Exact same way. Like no one will ever love me because im too much of a mess and like you said i feel like I would be too much baggage.Yet here I am finding myself wanting to tell you the complete opposite. As soon as I read This I felt the need to encourage you and I thought how can you think that love is for everyone and anyone. That being said im sure theres someone out there that would feel that way about you. I have depression and anxiety too im 22 and never been in a serious relationship and I think Because also naturally we tend to close ourselves off and we dont let ourselves be open and because of that love is unable to enter into our lives. Right now im at my worst and what I realized I need to do is concentrate on figuring who i am how I can be better so when that person does come it wont be so I can be fix by them but so we can support each other. I really hope you feel better soon and that we both find a great guy one day ! With so many people in the world that has to be someone for everyone. Best of luck to you

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I definitely agree with @Maryyy it is much easier to close yourself off then to be open to love and the possibility of being hurt.. as far as being afraid of adding baggage to someones life that is up to the other person whether they want to welcome everything that you bring to the table.. it is hard to imagine but there are understanding people out there. I hope we all find love and happiness.

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 Wow,  i read ur post, and it was like me ,writing. I dont have any advice, but i can tell u that u are not alone. You are not the only one that feels, like this.  I too am exactly like u. And it is extremely difficult to think other wise when our truth is just that.,, broken, insecure,  and in full desire to have love all at tree same time.  But i have found a way to keep on keeping on,, never stop believing in what u really desire,, which is, to be loved and in love.

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At this point in my life I have learned that if you can't truly love yourself, then you are going to stay stuck within the human condition that is loneliness. I had found true love, but it has also turned into one of the single most painful and life destroying facts of my existence. I'm not sure I can recover from it, so like what you said - maybe I should just step in front of a truck at this point.

Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? I'm not sure that is an equal statement for every person...

I am weak too. I'm not sure that any person can truly fill that void and that empty feeling deep inside. Like falling head first into death with no one around you for the journey. Thing is we are all alone in that. Also - we are all in it together. Everyone feels alone, but everyone has to die.

I'm not sure I have any advice, but I wish you well and send hugs.

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Personally, I'd rather remain by my lonesome rather than screw up anyone else's existence more than I have already. It's more than enough that I'm an embarrassment to her. I think I'll stick to pretending to be friend A, becuase honestly, how can a relationship between the sick and the healthy ever work? Would it not be harrowing for both parties involved? 

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2 hours ago, OnceandFuture said:

Personally, I'd rather remain by my lonesome rather than screw up anyone else's existence more than I have already. It's more than enough that I'm an embarrassment to her. I think I'll stick to pretending to be friend A, becuase honestly, how can a relationship between the sick and the healthy ever work? Would it not be harrowing for both parties involved? 

I completely agree with this, and yet the selfish part of me constantly finds myself wanting the comfort from someone I trust who can take on my worries and tell me it's okay. And yet, whenever somene tries to get close and reassure me, I push them away and refuse their help because, as you said, they don't deserve that baggage. It's a lose-lose situation for our party. The constant times I've googled "how to let things go" "how to trust" and yet maybe some part of us is hiding behind this baggage? We're too afraid to be that vulnerable so we use our scars from previous wars to make us incapable of beginning new wars. But if we keep picking at a scab, how is it ever going to heal?

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There are people out there willing to be in a relationship with someone with mental illness. I've been with my husband on and off for ten years, and he has been there for me in times when I was practically agoraphobic. I've even tried to push him away many times, and he's never taken the bait. It helps that his mother has many of the same issues as me, so dealing with me isn't anything new for him. I'm positive he's not the only guy (or girl) out there who is able to love someone with these issues. After all, we all have issues; no one is perfect. I truly think there is someone out there for everyone.

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12 hours ago, HeartagramGirl said:

I definitely agree with @Maryyy it is much easier to close yourself off then to be open to love and the possibility of being hurt.. as far as being afraid of adding baggage to someones life that is up to the other person whether they want to welcome everything that you bring to the table.. it is hard to imagine but there are understanding people out there. I hope we all find love and happiness.

Yeah, there's a guy online that wants to meet me but I'm pushing him away because he has his together and I'm still with my parents and have no license. 

 

Its hard..especially when I see my friend going through the same feelings I do because he's dating someone ahead of him.

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3 hours ago, evalynn said:

There are people out there willing to be in a relationship with someone with mental illness. I've been with my husband on and off for ten years, and he has been there for me in times when I was practically agoraphobic. I've even tried to push him away many times, and he's never taken the bait. It helps that his mother has many of the same issues as me, so dealing with me isn't anything new for him. I'm positive he's not the only guy (or girl) out there who is able to love someone with these issues. After all, we all have issues; no one is perfect. I truly think there is someone out there for everyone.

Thanks, you guys are so encouraging.. I needed this :) 

I'm still afraid to let him in.

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11 hours ago, Username24 said:

 Wow,  i read ur post, and it was like me ,writing. I dont have any advice, but i can tell u that u are not alone. You are not the only one that feels, like this.  I too am exactly like u. And it is extremely difficult to think other wise when our truth is just that.,, broken, insecure,  and in full desire to have love all at tree same time.  But i have found a way to keep on keeping on,, never stop believing in what u really desire,, which is, to be loved and in love.

I really want this guy. I feel he'd make a great boyfriend but...he's so ahead of me and is a year younger than me. I know I shouldn't jump ahead. Especially when he just wants to hang out.. 

Man I wish I was normal... 

 

Its hard bc I want him so bad.

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40 minutes ago, SailingSoul said:

I really want this guy. I feel he'd make a great boyfriend but...he's so ahead of me and is a year younger than me. I know I shouldn't jump ahead. Especially when he just wants to hang out.. 

Man I wish I was normal... 

 

Its hard bc I want him so bad.

You know what's hard? To live with REGRET. You have no way of knowing if this guy will accept you for who you are and what you deal with but you guys are talking fine online and he said from his own mouth that he wants to meet you. He has been direct in that sense. That says a lot for a guy. You said you don't have a license, I assume you mean a Driver's License and you live at home with your parents....those seem like big things in your head but I promise they aren't. I have no license and I still live with my mom. It did not stop men from wanting to be my boyfriend. It seem's like he really wants to get to know you. You should give him that chance because you deserve it and he deserves to know someone awesome like you. Even if you feel less than him in some way, don't. You aren't. I promise those things don't matter to him or he would have walked away a while ago, right? 

I know it's scary to put yourself out there. Most of us with Depression feel like no one will ever want us right? But you have his interest. Don't make this a regret in your life down the line because he could possibly turn into a boyfriend. You don't know, but won't find out if you don't even give him that chance. 

At least hang out with him. Don't EXPECT ANYTHING.  I know you like him but don't expect anything. Meet with him, and just hang out...go with the flow and see where it leads you guys. Don't jump ahead.  When the time comes for you to tell him about your depression do so...but at least hang out with him. 

Don't deny yourself the pleasure! 

Edited by VictorianGoth

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Like everyone else in this thread, love seem's unattainable and it seem's like we won't ever find someone to accept us for who we are. Depression scares a lot of people away but it also makes people fight for you even harder. 

I have days, like today (I just wrote a blog post on it) where I feel I'll never be married or find love...

But I have days where I feel hopeful because I experienced love while depressed and even though he was not my life partner it happened.  I pushed him away time and time again and he would not budge. 

Like someone else said there are tons of people out there willing to love someone with Depression. 

But we won't find them if we don't remain open to the possibility and I know that's hard when Depression tells you otherwise and makes you scared they will run. I understand the fear and hesitation but I also want to encourage everyone too.

It's scary though, you never know who will run or who will stay and it seem's hopeless a lot of the time. :(

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12 minutes ago, VictorianGoth said:

You know what's hard? To live with REGRET. You have no way of knowing if this guy will accept you for who you are and what you deal with but you guys are talking fine online and he said from his own mouth that he wants to meet you. He has been direct in that sense. That says a lot for a guy. You said you don't have a license, I assume you mean a Driver's License and you live at home with your parents....those seem like big things in your head but I promise they aren't. I have no license and I still live with my mom. It did not stop men from wanting to be my boyfriend. It seem's like he really wants to get to know you. You should give him that chance because you deserve it and he deserves to know someone awesome like you. Even if you feel less than him in some way, don't. You aren't. I promise those things don't matter to him or he would have walked away a while ago, right? 

I know it's scary to put yourself out there. Most of us with Depression feel like no one will ever want us right? But you have his interest. Don't make this a regret in your life down the line because he could possibly turn into a boyfriend. You don't know, but won't find out if you don't even give him that chance. 

At least hang out with him. Don't EXPECT ANYTHING.  I know you like him but don't expect anything. Meet with him, and just hang out...go with the flow and see where it leads you guys. Don't jump ahead.  When the time comes for you to tell him about your depression do so...but at least hang out with him. 

Don't deny yourself the pleasure! 

I know, you're right but I'm not the smartest girl and I don't think I could hold his interest... I wish I had more money so I could at least pay for for us to do. Also its hard for me not to expect anything because he seems like an awesome guy like.. I really would love for him to be my boyfriend.

Edited by SailingSoul

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7 minutes ago, SailingSoul said:

I know, you're right but I'm not the smartest girl and I don't think I could hold his interest... I wish I had more money so I could at least pay for for us to do. Also its hard for me not to expect anything because he seems like an awesome guy like.. I really would love for him to be my boyfriend.

You already are holding his interest though and he said he wants to meet you face to face. For him to say that to you must means he's interested in some way.  Has he flirted with you or anything like that? Shown any signs of wanting to be more than friends?  How long have you guys been chatting online?

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I can relate to a lot of what you're saying.  I've been on a dating site for almost a year now.  I have similar fears, that people are ahead of me and couldn't possibly want someone who's still living at home at 30 (and has my issues).  But, at the same time there were 2 girls that I had dated long enough that I disclosed that I still lived at home and they were okay with it.

I do believe there are people out there who would be with someone who struggles with mental illness.  Honestly, I think it takes time even for "normal" people to find someone they really connect with.  Try not to be so hard on yourself....I don't believe that you'd judge anyone as harshly as you judge yourself, so I feel you deserve that same understanding and compassion.

I think in time you will find someone who is right for you. 

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Hi again SailingSoul,

Well, I met my wife when I was manic, but I told her everything about my illness by the 3rd date. It didn't matter to her. She fell in love with me, regardless, and I with her. The first time I entered a depressive phase, it was hard on both of us (I cycle very slowly -- over the course of years) but we stayed together. She knows I'm a loving and kind person, and regardless of how I 'feel', she trusts that

I'd dated other people before I met her (obviously), and with one exception, each one found reasons to love me. The one exception was the only time the other person ended the relationship. Every other time was my decision -- so I must've been doing something right.

The simple truth is, if someone loves you, they won't care. Everyone has their own baggage, their own problems, and their own insecurities, but when you care about someone (which people will, about you) it just isn't that important.

Look at it a different way. Would you date someone with diabetes? Would you care that they can act "crazy" if their blood sugar levels are off (I've actually seen a person with hypoglycemia stab someone for no reason -- that's pretty extreme) or would you help that person the best you could to insure that didn't happen? My aunt had diabetes, and she really acted hateful towards people when her levels were off, but she didn't loose her husband, her friends, or the love of her children and family. We just all understood that this was a thing that could happen, and there was nothing she could do about it.

I am not being flippant when I say, you really do have the same chance as anyone else of finding (and keeping) love.

Honest.

The hard part is giving it time, and people are right when they say that you don't find love until you stop looking. It sounds stupid, I know, but that's how it worked for me.

All my best wishes for peace, good sleep, tranquil dreams, and happiness for you.

Best,
Micah

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Arrgh I feel so much the same. And I'm 30 with only a total of 5 months worth of relationship and one sexual partner in my entire life so that alone makes me undateable without the fricken depression and anxiety.

But remember the wedding vows say "in sickness and in health". Casual flings is one thing but if someone is searching for a life partner then at some point chances are that they will be with someone who is really struggling emotionally not just physically. It's a fact of life, just some people have it worse than others, not a core of your identity. People these days (and especially people on the internet urrgh) are too focussed on "red flags" and have forgotten about actual love.

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@SailingSoul Me too, though I am trying really hard to love myself. I realize that a lot of my problems stem from attachment anxiety/trauma. Now I need to overcome it and learn to accept and love myself. It's hard because I struggle to overcome feeling ashamed of myself. 

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On 4/23/2017 at 10:19 PM, SailingSoul said:

I know, you're right but I'm not the smartest girl and I don't think I could hold his interest... I wish I had more money so I could at least pay for for us to do. Also its hard for me not to expect anything because he seems like an awesome guy like.. I really would love for him to be my boyfriend.

Like VictorianGoth said, you are already holding his interest. But also, just like you are nervous to meet him because he doesn't know about your mental illness, there could be a lot of things that he's nervous to let you know about. Especially if you met on a dating site, he's probably putting his best foot forward right now and not getting into the heavy personal stuff.

Also, people can be a lot different in person than online. You say that he "seems like and awesome guy", but if you meet him in person, you might change your mind. Or think he's an awesome guy, but can't stand how loudly he chews or the cologne he wears or something like that!

I definitely understand your feeling... I've been there too, and am still there a lot of the time. I had an epiphany recently that I've always thought of the advice "no one will love you until you love yourself" to mean that I had to 'fix' myself until I could love myself, then I'd find love. But I finally came to the realization that that's not what it means at all; really it's about learning to love myself as I am, right now.

And trying to do that has made me start thinking about myself more as a whole person, instead of focusing on only parts, like depression. That might sound corny, but I think it just helped me put it in perspective instead of thinking of it as this overwhelming thing that is my main identity. It's not all I am and it's not all you are.

Another thing that helps me when I have that same thought, that no one will ever love me because of my illness, is to think about getting older with someone. Even if I didn't have a mental illness now, as I get older, there are most likely health problems that will come up that could change my behaviors, desires, body, etc. If I were in a relationship, I would expect my partner to support me through that stuff, like I would be prepared to support him. Yes, it can possibly be (or feel) more challenging to start a relationship while dealing with a health problem, but I do believe it's still possible. And if someone can't deal with you having a mental illness, I think it says more about him and how he probably isn't a good prospect as a long-term partner anyway.

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I agree with the posters who say there are people out there who will love someone with mental health problems. If you think about it, tons of people have mental health problems and really only a fraction of them are aware of it, or addressing it, or open about it. But lots of those people are in relationships. Having depression or anxiety isn't a deal breaker. I think more of a deal breaker for some people is not being able to function as a partner in a relationship. Can you care for someone, be responsible for them, be their pillar through good times and bad, make their needs as important as your own, etc? If so, then you hold value as a potential partner. If someone can't get out of bed, hold a conversation or demonstrate affection then some people may think they can't perform as a partner. I have a plethora of mental health issues, but I take care of my husband like no other and I give him lots of reasons to stick around (sometimes to sort of compensate for my issues). And hey, it works! So yes, loving yourself (or at minimum accepting what you can't change about yourself) is important, but also learning how to be a good partner is important. You will find your match when the time is right.

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