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candy22

Lack of Confidence reason for No Boyfriend

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I stumbled upon a video on YouTube. I think the guy in the video is some type of counselor. Anyway, the guy states a girl can be pretty and yet if she lacks confidence it will be hard for her to attract men. I mean I'm sure he means well. But, I have seen plenty of women with low self-esteem have boyfriends. In all my thirty one years, I have been told numerous reasons why I don't have a boyfriend. People give me every excuse. I mean I've met all kinds of women with different personalities who find boyfriends. Mean girl at work has a boyfriend. Unattractive neighbor has a husband. Cousin who cheated on her boyfriend is still with him and he forgave her. Bossy friend has a boyfriend. Rude, obnoxious sister has a boyfriend. Yet, I can't seem to get a man's attention or boyfriend. I lost weight. I smile. I dress nice. I joined clubs/hobbies where guys are. I worked around guys. I'm friendly. I think I should just give up and give up on hopes of having a family. It's frustrating and even my therapist is puzzled. 

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Since I don't know you, I can't really say anything for sure.  I just know that normal people tend to avoid me probably due to my depression.  As for the confidence issue, going into a relationship with low self-esteem can mean trouble.  My wife has had low self-esteem since I met her, and it has caused trouble for both of us.  For me, talking to her can be scary sometimes, since I don't know how she will react when she gets into her moods.  Also a person with low self-esteem can be taken advantage of by partners, and there are some people out there who prey on those with low self-esteem.  So while I don't think that low self-esteem will scare guys away like depression can, having low self-esteem can certainly be a problem.

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I really hate it when relationship "experts" say that confidence is key to attracting a partner. That is total garbage! I think both men and women want someone who is fun, positive, self-aware, stable, capable, rational and has control over their life/actions. I know tons of "confident" women who are also bat-sh*t crazy and can't get a boyfriend (not saying this is your case at all). I'm not a confident person and I do struggle with low-self esteem and I have never had problems getting boyfriends. Now - keeping them was a whole different story! My low self-esteem did eventually drive all of them away (except for one, whom I married and am still married to). I would become possessive, jealous, paranoid...not good. I learned those are very destructive behaviors and if I did them in my marriage I would surely ruin it. I think one thing that is very important when trying to attract someone is being a fun, positive person. Not confident per-se, but just a fun person to be around. This is difficult for depressed people, obviously. But no one wants to start dating a total downer. You can become a downer later on after they're hooked, but no one will sign up for that knowingly. Also don't wait for guys to come to you, ask you out, call you, etc. That's very old school thinking and will really limit your pool of potential mates. So to conclude, don't be a downer. Fake it till you make it. 

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I really don't know, maybe it's just luck in your case? I don't know how it is for women, but have you ever tried the approaching part or mostly had to wait for someone to ask you out? You know what? Forget this. I don't know jack about this.

But I really wouldn't recommend on focussing solely on getting into a relationship. There are a lot of other things in life like hobbies, work and making friends in general. Getting a gf really bothers me a lot but I've shifted my focus away from that to just getting a social life in general...you know having friends and even female ones. I'm going to be 25 soon. If I do get into one, that's just icing on the cake. But I'm not focusing on that and it also won't solve my problems (can even compound them). Having kids is another topic altogether and it sometimes doesn't need another partner...

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I agree with the people above... Just be fun to be around. In 25, decent looking, never had a boyfriend but I assume its due to 1) being a lat3 bloomer and 2) bc of my anxiety and depression, I keep guys at a distance.

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I am in the same situation im 26 I don't think im ugly I have my picture in my album if anyone doesn't believe me. I have women flirt with me, i even have gone on dates with women who were drop dead gorgeous, yet im still a virgin and have never gotten passed a second date no one knows accept my immediate family and therpists. I notice the same thing though people with no social skils l, people who have severe anxiety people who are homely poor, short etc.. I never meet anyone who is single everyone is already paired up . you are not the only one but as long as your persistent and try to get dates you will find someone eventually.

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On 4/21/2017 at 3:17 AM, dude333 said:

Since I don't know you, I can't really say anything for sure.  I just know that normal people tend to avoid me probably due to my depression.  As for the confidence issue, going into a relationship with low self-esteem can mean trouble.  My wife has had low self-esteem since I met her, and it has caused trouble for both of us.  For me, talking to her can be scary sometimes, since I don't know how she will react when she gets into her moods.  Also a person with low self-esteem can be taken advantage of by partners, and there are some people out there who prey on those with low self-esteem.  So while I don't think that low self-esteem will scare guys away like depression can, having low self-esteem can certainly be a problem.

Thanks for your reply. Okay. If you don't mind me asking, what attracted you to your wife if she had low self-esteem in the beginning? Not trying to come off as rude but wouldn't that be a red flag if you knew it could cause problems. 

Edited by candy22

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On 4/21/2017 at 7:48 AM, morecoffee said:

I really hate it when relationship "experts" say that confidence is key to attracting a partner. That is total garbage! I think both men and women want someone who is fun, positive, self-aware, stable, capable, rational and has control over their life/actions. I know tons of "confident" women who are also bat-sh*t crazy and can't get a boyfriend (not saying this is your case at all). I'm not a confident person and I do struggle with low-self esteem and I have never had problems getting boyfriends. Now - keeping them was a whole different story! My low self-esteem did eventually drive all of them away (except for one, whom I married and am still married to). I would become possessive, jealous, paranoid...not good. I learned those are very destructive behaviors and if I did them in my marriage I would surely ruin it. I think one thing that is very important when trying to attract someone is being a fun, positive person. Not confident per-se, but just a fun person to be around. This is difficult for depressed people, obviously. But no one wants to start dating a total downer. You can become a downer later on after they're hooked, but no one will sign up for that knowingly. Also don't wait for guys to come to you, ask you out, call you, etc. That's very old school thinking and will really limit your pool of potential mates. So to conclude, don't be a downer. Fake it till you make it. 

Thanks for your response. I believe you are right that certain behaviors in a relationship can be destructive. But, again, I've seen women have all kinds of personalities and have obtained a man. I am in fact not a downer most of my depressive episodes I hide. Most people think I'm am funny and happy. So maybe I'm just doomed somehow LOL

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On 4/21/2017 at 7:52 AM, CloakedFigure said:

I really don't know, maybe it's just luck in your case? I don't know how it is for women, but have you ever tried the approaching part or mostly had to wait for someone to ask you out? You know what? Forget this. I don't know jack about this.

But I really wouldn't recommend on focussing solely on getting into a relationship. There are a lot of other things in life like hobbies, work and making friends in general. Getting a gf really bothers me a lot but I've shifted my focus away from that to just getting a social life in general...you know having friends and even female ones. I'm going to be 25 soon. If I do get into one, that's just icing on the cake. But I'm not focusing on that and it also won't solve my problems (can even compound them). Having kids is another topic altogether and it sometimes doesn't need another partner...

Thanks for responding. I have tried the approaching part but the guys ended up not liking me. Twice. I usually don't agree with girls approaching guys though. I guess I'll continue socializing. I've been doing a lot of hobbies and going out but still seem to attract nobody.

Edited by candy22

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On 4/22/2017 at 5:07 PM, SailingSoul said:

I agree with the people above... Just be fun to be around. In 25, decent looking, never had a boyfriend but I assume its due to 1) being a lat3 bloomer and 2) bc of my anxiety and depression, I keep guys at a distance.

Thanks for responding. Yeah, I'm definitely a late bloomer. I'm behind in more areas than I want to be. Lol. Well, I try to hide my anxiety and depression from others as best as I can. 

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10 minutes ago, candy22 said:

Thanks for your response. I believe you are right that certain behaviors in a relationship can be destructive. But, again, I've seen women have all kinds of personalities and have obtained a man. I am in fact not a downer most of my depressive episodes I hide. Most people think I'm am funny and happy. So maybe I'm just doomed somehow LOL

Have you tried online dating? Finding a half-decent guy is quite difficult. Mostly because they're often shy and aren't good at sending out signals or making an effort to meet women. So that leaves most women with a pool of over-confident douche clowns to choose their mate from. Depending on where you live, this pool may be particularly potent. I had to move from Los Angeles to find a more humane pool of potential suitors. I would recommend online dating, where more shy guys are likely to try and reach out to women, or moving to a city with better dating potential.

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On 4/25/2017 at 0:00 AM, scienceguy said:

I am in the same situation im 26 I don't think im ugly I have my picture in my album if anyone doesn't believe me. I have women flirt with me, i even have gone on dates with women who were drop dead gorgeous, yet im still a virgin and have never gotten passed a second date no one knows accept my immediate family and therpists. I notice the same thing though people with no social skils l, people who have severe anxiety people who are homely poor, short etc.. I never meet anyone who is single everyone is already paired up . you are not the only one but as long as your persistent and try to get dates you will find someone eventually.

No, You're definitely not ugly. I looked in your album. You're cute. Yeah, I hardly meet single people either. It's rare. Everyone's married or dating it seems. I had to limit my time on Facebook because it really was bothering me that everyone had someone. It's frustrating but oh well. Sometimes, I start to believe that maybe some people will go their whole life without anyone. It's sad. 

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12 minutes ago, morecoffee said:

Have you tried online dating? Finding a half-decent guy is quite difficult. Mostly because they're often shy and aren't good at sending out signals or making an effort to meet women. So that leaves most women with a pool of over-confident douche clowns to choose their mate from. Depending on where you live, this pool may be particularly potent. I had to move from Los Angeles to find a more humane pool of potential suitors. I would recommend online dating, where more shy guys are likely to try and reach out to women, or moving to a city with better dating potential.

I have been on a few dating sites for a year. There has been a share of losers on there. Lol. And the ones that I did connect with are somewhat far. I was thinking of traveling to meet one of them though I wish he would come here first. I agree with you. The dating pool may be better somewhere else. I would love to move if I had the funds to. I will consider it. 

Edited by candy22

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44 minutes ago, candy22 said:

No, You're definitely not ugly. I looked in your album. You're cute. Yeah, I hardly meet single people either. It's rare. Everyone's married or dating it seems. I had to limit my time on Facebook because it really was bothering me that everyone had someone. It's frustrating but oh well. Sometimes, I start to believe that maybe some people will go their whole life without anyone. It's sad. 

Thanks!! I think most people find someone eventually including you, me and everyone else posting here.

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On 5/9/2017 at 5:55 PM, candy22 said:

Thanks for your reply. Okay. If you don't mind me asking, what attracted you to your wife if she had low self-esteem in the beginning? Not trying to come off as rude but wouldn't that be a red flag if you knew it could cause problems. 

This response made me feel attacked, so I haven't responded until now.

I didn't know at the time I met her that her low self-esteem could cause problems.  Even if I had known, I would have preferred relationship problems to being single.  She is the only person who seems to have ever had any interest in me.  I had, and still have, no other options.

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On 3/6/2018 at 2:14 AM, dude333 said:

This response made me feel attacked, so I haven't responded until now.

I didn't know at the time I met her that her low self-esteem could cause problems.  Even if I had known, I would have preferred relationship problems to being single.  She is the only person who seems to have ever had any interest in me.  I had, and still have, no other options.

I wasn't trying to attack you. Sorry if it came off that way. 

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