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La Mariposa

They're watching.

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I've been off my medication for about 2, almost three weeks. I was on Zoloft 100 mg and now nothing. 

I'm being tormented by these hallucinations that are getting exceedingly worse. Usually hallucinations are grouped in these formats; 

A) Fleeting glimpses of things. Like maybe you see a white dog in the corner of your eye following you around or moving and when you look it's gone. (One of my simpler ones.) 

B) Ones that don't go away. Shadowy guys who are there when I wake up at night and in the mornings. One hangs out on my ceiling and stares down at me, another towers over me, and I saw one standing over my sister at one point while she was sleeping. 

C) Random things. Shirts. Hands. Objects. I saw a pan in the middle of the floor that I managed to 'trip' on. It wasn't there. 

Tactile: Top-tier, absolute WORST possible outcome for hallucinations. You don't ever want to get these, as they are kind of the beginning of the end for all normalcy in your life. My first one that I can recall that was really a doozey was four years ago. I heard a man breathing really coarsely in my ear for an hour and a half. It didn't stop, there was no interruptions. Before that I'd hear little things, like family members, voices I recognized or others talking to me, saying things, and generally doing random things. ((These are more 'Auditory hallucinations'.)) Two years ago I saw something on a late-night walk. I thought it was a person, maybe an animal. It was dark, and seemed black-ish and the place was lit fairly okay. I walked forward and it seemed to take more shape as time went on and began to move. It seemed less human and more something else at that point. It grabbed my calve and I could physically feel it. At that point I started to stride away (but not run because I was afraid it could run as well). I looked behind me, and it was definitely following. I moved faster, and so did it. Making my way along the path I usually take, I kept checking over my shoulder and eventually it was gone and I was able to calm down a little more. 

That was one of my more intense tactile hallucinations. Smaller ones tend to be things like spiders or insects on my skin crawling around. Breathing on the nape/back of my neck. People brushing against my shoulder, touching my hair, my back, or my arms. 

I've started to write down my symptoms, and I feel like I should catalog a few of them for others to read/hopefully respond to. 

Can't sleep. They're watching me. In my bedroom. Outside. In the house. In the darkness. There when I wake up. Wake up a few times at night because of them. They stare at me, won't go away. Have to sleep with the lights on as an extra precaution. Can't go outside, especially when it's dark. They'll get me. Have to constantly look over my shoulder, stay out of the dark as they get worse that way. Having severe panic attacks/breakdowns. Trying to listen to music by blaring it in my ears to calm down but it more or less just helps me to function to a simpler level than usual. (My hands start shaking, teeth start chattering, head gets cloudy, get so scared, feel like running, screaming, gripping onto my family in terror, trying to find someone, anyone to help me.) It takes a lot to not breakdown now. Scared of going outside- they wait for me out there. Not safe out there. Not safe in here. Don't know what to do. Constantly afraid. More terrified now than I ever have been in my entire life. Can't looks out windows nor have open doors. Hard time sleeping in my bedroom. Scared of being in rooms along. Getting exceedingly suicidal. Think of suicide near-constantly. I'm tired. This is all physically/mentally draining. Have to keep myself busy to try and keep my mind off thing/stop the hallucinations somewhat. I don't know what to do. My sanity is waning. 

-Mariposa

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