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Husband full of rage

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This is complicated.  This is heartbreaking.  My husband saw his share of bad things during his time at war and it left him with some really really bad PTSD.  When I met him he was more carefree than he is now (because little did I know he was a functioning alcoholic at the time) and I didn't realize what I was getting myself into.  They say love is blind.  And I say at first it so is!!!

But now reality has a way of setting in.  Reduce my meds and the numbness and fuzziness in my head and reality really sets in.  Then enters my husband and the reality that he really cannot function like a normal person.  

Today he was set off so bad by this poor guy at Autozone that he says ( I wasn't there) that he was ready to punch him.  And it was because the guy couldn't find a part in the computer.  My husband is under a lot of stress to get stuff done, rather than hiding in his man cave playing games here recently.  Our car broke down and he had to fix it himself instead of paying someone to work on it and etc. etc.  He got so stressed today and he started to take it out on me.  I told him to not f*** with me.  He was in a rage, slamming doors and all that.  I tried to talk him out of leaving before he left, tried to tell him that I was scared he was going to have a car wreck or hurt someone or himself.  It was all so much to witness, endure and worry about.  He told me he was sorry and needed me to not be mad at him at some point during all of this...all I could say was "OK"....i just wanted him to calm down.  

I emotionally and physically shut down, took a Klonopin to avoid the oncoming panic attack and went to sleep.

He somehow managed to get everything done from that point on without any drama.  I woke up to him telling me my car was working now.  I left him alone to play his games and take some meds (he was afraid to take them previously because they can make him sleepy).  Later this evening I talked to him.  I told him today was rough, he said he was sorry.  Then he quietly said, "You can never let me get a concealed carry liscense."  Ummmmm, I, ummmm, OK.  He was like, does that scare you.  And I was like yeah, even without a concealed gun you can still assault someone.  I'm still shocked at the level of his rage, my mind is sort of a blur at how the conversation ended.

No, there's no guns in the house.  No he's never raised a hand to me, our kids or animals.

I know people are going to say that no good can come from staying with him.  He sees his psychologist regularly (who BTW is going to hear about this, like, tomorrow), he takes his meds, he does his best to stay calm.  He has a pure sweet heart full of love for me and others.  He is just so damaged in the brain.  He needs me but he needs to control his rage when he has to function.  This is why we don't go on road trips like his family reunion he was trying to get me to go to.  I don't want to leave him.  I want to help him, besides me, only his Mom understands him enough to help him.  It's not his fault he losses his cool when he looses control of a situation, he gets triggered or something.  But it needs to be his problem, because i can't take it much longer.

It's been 11 years of this, me being on and off meds.  I am now starting to feel that only a person numbed themselves by medications can endure being with someone with PTSD like he has.  But I feel that I need to not be so numb and I need a safe place to do that.  I feel like i've been a zombie and missed out on so much of life, of my kids' lives because of depression and medications.

I just need a safer place.  I'm not leaving, and don't know what to do.  Maybe some crisis couples counseling or something for a while to keep the beast at bay.  I don't know.

If you read this, i love you in a friendly way.  xoxo



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