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I've stopped taking my meds.

La Mariposa

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I've been on a few different kinds of medications with varying degrees of minimal 'success' with either or. 75 mg of Venlafaxine. Seroqeul. Ativan. 100 mg of Zoloft. None of them really seemed to have the desired effect and seemed to only amplify my feelings of depression/irritability or suicidal feelings. Whenever opening up about that, doctors only seemed to sneer at me and say that the 'doseage was fine' or 'acceptable' or 'meeting requirements' for someone of my level. I haven't been diagnosed with my mental illnesses that I've been living with for quite some time as I refused to open up to people since they all in some form or another burned me. I have absolutely no trust when it comes to family anymore or complete strangers. I actually said that to a psychiatrist. She was so stupid and closed minded she told me:

"You have to trust me." 

"It's not that easy." 

"I know it's not." 

How? How could you possibly know? Other than a superiority complex, a few glib, snide remarks and seeming holier than thou, you honestly don't seem to know mental disorders. My counselor even agreed I hadn't been given a fair psychiatric assessment from that doctor. 

So, that's how I ended up here- for the past week and a little over that I've been neglecting taking my medications. People tell me I've got 'colour' back in my face, that I 'seem like the old me' and that I seem 'better' this way. My depression has come back, my irritability, emotions that are so conflicting and everchanging I can't really ever make sense of them before they go, and my sociopathy. Not to mention my dissociation is at its very pique and that mixed with the vast amount of angers I can feel honestly makes it that much easier for me to be suicidal. A common thought of mine is that; If I were to die, wouldn't this world just cease to be? Regardless of if that were true or not, I'd still have my answer if one of my attempts were successful. 

My hallucinations and hearing voices also came back. And I'm tired of having to deal with auditory/tactile hallucinations and not truly knowing what's 'real' anymore. I also tend to lucid 'dream' and it kind of bleeds into the 'real' world with probable and possible scenarios that I honestly won't know happened or not. I don't know what to do- I have concerns of Bipolar 1 with psychotic traits, Seasonal Affective Disorder, Agoraphobia, Dissociation, Social Anxiety (covered in agoraphobia), Generalized Anxiety Disorder (also covered in agoraphobia). 

There's supposed to be a new, male psychiatrist here in April and I may be able to see him depending on whether or not he comes. 

I have a REALLY hard time articulating my problems and talking to people face to face. I seem 'normal' when I go to these things, and I honestly need a plan of 'attack' so that he knows I'm not faking or my symptoms aren't a placebo of my life or upbringing. I'm tired of being asked "Have you ever thought you're not bipolar?" Yes. When I thought I was a normal person, that all of my stress, anxiety, depression, psychotic symptoms, and everything was something encountered by a NORMAL person. So, no, I don't believe I'm not bipolar anymore. I've done my own extensive research, found which trait(s) I have, and I have almost all of the ones presented and a few examples I could bring up. The doctors here don't really get that I'm not pulling a "oh my gosh, I can go from angry to happy and I must be bipolar" or "I searched my symptoms on webmd. Totally me." 

No. I can have severe what I can only call 'break downs'- I tend to not cry for varying lengths of time. Months, years, etc. And when I finally do, it's due to stressful environments. Like the adults in my home were drinking, and alcohol is one of my triggers- it drove me absolutely crazy. There's a baby in the house. Children. I had to stay with her to make sure she was safe. I have very incredibly high trust issues and I would NEVER leave her in the hands of people consuming drugs or alcohol. All that matters is her safety. And then my abusive ex-step-father came over and I had a breakdown in the dark room with the baby. I cried. Sobbed. My step-dad walked in (not the abusive one) and asked if I was okay. (I thought he'd heard me crying, but he didn't) and I said I was fine, and that I had something in my eyes. (I wear glasses, so it's not unlikely.) He nodded and accepted my words. I told him I was fine and that I could watch the baby. 

But I was so messed up that night I was having a severe panic attack. My hands started shaking, my heart was pounding in my ears, my legs were tensing up and starting to feel like bags of sand as opposed to body parts. I was trying SO hard to leave the house. But I didn't want to leave her with them. I was scared. Scared of what might happen. But I knew that I couldn't stay. I could feel it-  my psychotic symptoms were also likely flaring up due to the anxiety/stress I was under. Being susceptible to hallucinations, and talking to a friend for about 20 minutes and trying to convince myself I COULD leave the house, (I have a REALLY hard time leaving) he finally succeeded in helping me. By then my breathing had resorted to basically hyperventilating and I made it, step by step to the waterfront and the swings in the darkness to comfort and calm myself down. 

People don't get that I'm still to this day scared of Danny. My step-dad is a very bad person. He attacked me several times when I was 16. Tried to choke me out in a corner. He only STOPPED because I punched him in the face and forced him off. I hit his glasses off his face, he cut my neck with his nail, and it all started over breakfast dishes. I had to go to school and couldn't do them. He attacked me over that. He also proceeded to do so when he threw me across the living room. They wouldn't let me go to school because they knew that I would have told someone. I would have pressed charges on him. My needs tend to come last, and everyone else's tend to outrank mine. My mother grounded me, saved his ass, told me to go to my room and that's where I began to blast vindictive music. "That's what you get" by Paramore and anything else I could belt out aloud to while cleaning my room I was now confined to. 

That was maybe about a month or two ago. 

More recently (about two weeks ago, I'm estimating) 

I had a very high amount of depression that turned into feeling 'nothing' but the compulsion for suicide. I walked to my waterfront with intent of losing my life. I could feel my cloudy head pounding, the hallucinations fighting to get through, hear the voices in my ear, talking over my music I blared in order to shush them but it  doesn't always work. So there I was, at the water, staring at the crashing waves. Texting my friend, I told him what I was doing. He said; "You need to get back on your meds." (This was a day off my meds, mind you.) 


We went back and forth and he conceded. I told him I felt like the 'old me' and that I was finished taking those medications. Getting my shoes at least wet, I wanted to go in the water. I wanted to lay flat on my back, and feeling the soothing caress of the waves as my body began to freeze and turn numb. That is, until the real pain set in and my nerves screamed for me to leave the water, but I'd stay until it was too late to fight back, and too late to change my mind. But things didn't exactly go my way as other people were there, and I didn't want an audience. They'd ruin it all. I contemplated going to the hospital but decided against it. I'm not that kind of person. If I have an attempt and succeed then so be it. But I'm not going to waste emergency personnel's time. I tend to say 'yes' compulsively to people and agree with them. So I'm told to go to the ER or the doctors office and I just agree and say I will but know that I'll never do it. 

Walking instead to the swings, I listened to music, laughed, cried, felt unfathomably 'good'. Instantly off my pills I felt manic. Full bursts of energy, I organized my entire kitchen, baked a variety of things until midnight, went outside whenever I wanted and wherever I wanted. Everything felt so 'funny' and I felt so 'giddy' but I could also out of nowhere start crying or feeling a delightful form of sadness/despair that in my state felt nice. I was back, and me. 

People don't really seem to get that we with mental illness tend to flock together or find comfort or home in one another because of the fact that WE all understand struggles. Though not the same, or similiar- we're a great support system. Technically speaking none of us are supposed to lean on each other, but 'normal' people don't get it. They say stupid things like 'me too' or 'same' or whatever they can to feed off our symptoms. 






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Nice logo @One More Red Nightmare lol

Hey Mariposa :)

Read your post. That's why I stopped trusting doctors and psychiatrists a long time ago. All they want to do is shove meds down your throat and call it a day. They don't cure the root cause of the issue. I've always been interested in what root causes of illnesses are and trying to address them at their deepest source as opposed to covering up the symptoms.

I read about a girl who had hallucinations and voices. Eventually she got over it all and things got better. You're more sensitive to other dimensions. There's this physical 3D dimension and then there are dimensions where non-physical beings exist. Those are the voices you're hearing. You're not crazy, it's real. I learned about that through studying spirituality.

This is not medical advice but I think you're going nowhere with doctors and meds. I would get online, do extensive research and try to figure things out for yourself. That's what I've always done and I'm glad because I've encountered some really stupid medical 'professionals' at times. There must be others who have dealt with similar things as you and I'm sure there are answers, explanations and solutions out there. In the meantime I would start meditating. It will keep your stress low and help you feel much more balanced and happier. Here's some more ideas

You'll get through this. Start researching, gathering information and I think you can figure out how to improve your condition. If you ever need to chat feel free to message me :thumbsup:

Edited by DurandalBlue
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