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I Can't Cry Anymore...


TomatoTots

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Hello guys.....i'm pretty new to this forum and i'm gonna be spilling everything because i have been bottling these feelings up for my whole life. 

I'm a pretty fat (around 200 LBs) Asian (specifically Hmong) nerd that also loves basketball. I'm 15 years old and I'm also 5'10, taller than all my family. My parents were never in my life. I mean, they were, but i barely remember them. Both parent's are either mentally ill, drug addicts, in jail or all three. My dad, whom i haven't seen since i was 7, left me and my mom alone to do drugs. He is now mentally ill (Hearing voices, staring blankly into space and etc and thinks me, my mother and my dad's brother hates him) and now he want's to see me saying that we are like "twin headed dragons". Looking at his texts, he sounds like he is very aggressive (calling me a fat nerd and other stuff) and i'd rather not talk to him. My mother is in jail for possessing drugs. Me and her talk often but aren't too close. After they both left, custody of me went to my grandparents (Mom's side) and i have been living with them ever since. Ever since they left, i grew up knowing that no one was ever in my life. My dad's family didn't want me and my mother's side (I think) were forced to take me. Fast forward a couple years and things have gotten even worse. During my school year, i had never had any bullying problems as i was pretty tall for my age (even now in high school) but instead of being bullied at school, I'm bullied at home. I told my 1 best friend everything everyday and he made me feel better. He cheered me up and he became my #1 support system. In highschool, we split. We both went to different school's. I wanted to see him one last time, because without him my progression into depression would have happened faster, but my family wouldn't allow me to see him. 

 My family treats me like and makes me feel worthless. They always yell even though i talk to them in a calm and respectful manner and whenever i try to explain myself, its either im making excuses or im "talking back". And whenever i don't explain myself, i get yelled at for not saying anything. Whenever i tell the truth, they think i'm lying. My aunt who is like 27 and doesn't have a job or know how to drive regularly treats me like i'm nothing. Whenever she tells me to do something, like "go put it over there" without pointing or anything and i put it in the wrong place, she says that i have no "common sense". She always calls me stupid, that should deserve to die, that i should live in the streets and every other insult. My uncles whom i thought i considered my role models compare me to a down-syndromed kid and say's that they think the doctor's diagnosed me wrong and that im actually ********. Even though i talked to them about these degrading things they say to me, they say that i either deserve it or "it's a joke". My grandparent's weren't born in america, so when they moved here, they were stressed out, working two jobs and basically treating their kids (my uncles/aunts) like dirt, which later on made them do the same to their own kids. A couple year's ago, my drug addict uncle got kicked out, and his last words to the family could have been to anybody in the family, my grandparents, or even my eldest uncle. But he chose to say it to me. He said "this family is ****ed up because of you." and left. That left an emotional scar on me but ive never told anybody about it. Sometimes i wonder to myself "Maybe he is right. Maybe if i disappear, the family can be better. Maybe if i just offed myself, they would be happy i'm gone. Maybe i wouldn't have to suffer anymore." I'm thinking of hurting myself.  I've already tried hurting myself through the environment, going outside during winter wearing nothing but shorts and a shirt and standing out there for hours. It doesn't hurt anymore. The worse thing is, my family doesn't even ask if i'm ok. Heck, they don't even ask me about how i feel at all. They say it's "tough love" but why would you do that to a kid who grew up thinking no one loved him. Everybody in my family treats me like crap and i don't really wanna go into it because it's either i don't remember it or it's too hurtful to think about without crying. It has gotten so bad where i have been repressing memories. I don't remember alot of traumatising moments. Everybody, and i mean everybody treats me like dirt. They even went as far as to say that they want me to become like my parent's :( and regularly make fun of how i will never be handsome or i'm ugly. Is it bad i don't remember anybody ever saying they love me?   

I don't cry anymore. i mean, it takes alot for me to cry and when i do, no tears come out. Just the usual gasping and grunting. My crying time usually lasts up to 30min-1 hour because my body want's to cry, but my mind is suppressing it so it comes out pretty slow. Secretly, I'm afraid to cry because it's too overwhelming. Whenever i try to just "let it go", it becomes so bad i can't breath anymore. I gasp for air but my body jerks and interrupts my gasp for air and starts crying again. One time, i did this in front of my family and i couldn't breath. I screamed for help and they laughed. I fell on the floor gasping for air while they sat and laughed. They laughed. Oh, hey look i'm crying, but nothing is coming out. Once, i got cyberbullied by a some random kids and i showed it to my family. It wasn't the kid that hurt my feelings, but how my family responded to it. They said that i deserved it. I deserved to be treated like trash. Then they did the usual, degrade me. My family calls me big for nothing. I'm fat because i eat to make myself feel better. I'm a "nerd" because playing with technology and games makes me feel better. It's my support system. I'm introverted and my family considers me anti-social which are two completely different things, but they will never understand. They don't accept who i am as a person.  I'm a pretty chill guy. Im smart, almost straight A's and only talks when needed. I'm brutally honest to people i know and i like to express my own opinion. My family want's me to change as a person, blackamiling me into it, but i don't want to. They always play the guilt game, saying i don't love them if i don't listen. Once i heard them say i was their slave and it hurt. It honestly hurted. I confronted them and they said it was a joke. I'm a sensitive person and i take everything you say seriously (unless you make it clear its a joke) but i look calm on the outside. They act like they know how my body works or how i feel at all time more than i do myself. I've been bottling up these feelings for my whole life, and this post doesn't even cover the whole thing. I don't know what to do anymore. I'll probably be posting more or editing this post as i open up more or i have more to say. 

I'm glad these sites exist and a little weight was lifted off my shoulder's, as i have never told anyone else about these kind of things except my best friend. 

Thanks for reading. I really appreciate it.

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Hi @TomatoTots I am saddened by all the trauma you have had to endure.. so early in life.. I had a rough upbringing as well so I can definitely relate.. from my understanding Asian families can be very strict.. I know of course not all are but in your case this is true.. I also have an issue when it comes to crying.. it is like a switch is turned off in your head..I used to be really emotional but then something happened and its harder for me to have an emotional release.. it seems like you know who you are.. that you are smart.. and a good friend.. so hold on to those thoughts.. eventually things will get better.. you can't control what others do or say but you can control how you react or let these things affect you. welcome to the site as well I am sure you will find lots of support from people dealing with similar issues.

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2 hours ago, HeartagramGirl said:

Hi @TomatoTots I am saddened by all the trauma you have had to endure.. so early in life.. I had a rough upbringing as well so I can definitely relate.. from my understanding Asian families can be very strict.. I know of course not all are but in your case this is true.. I also have an issue when it comes to crying.. it is like a switch is turned off in your head..I used to be really emotional but then something happened and its harder for me to have an emotional release.. it seems like you know who you are.. that you are smart.. and a good friend.. so hold on to those thoughts.. eventually things will get better.. you can't control what others do or say but you can control how you react or let these things affect you. welcome to the site as well I am sure you will find lots of support from people dealing with similar issues.

Thank you. 

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I'm sorry you are having to deal with all that. This is a generalization, but Asian families don't talk about mental issues. Just sweep it under the rug and hope it resolves itself. At least that's my experience and most of my Asian friends. That attitude might be workable for minor mental issues, but God help you if that mental issue is something as severe as schizophrenia.

I have a hard time crying, too. It sucks because I used to be able to cry at sad movies and it would make me feel better. Now usually my eyes just hurt. But part of me thinks that maybe I've just become tougher...

Your family sounds terrible. It sounds like they're all pretty messed up in the head. If you're uncomfortable meeting up with your dad, don't do it. If you're worried about his safety, maybe the police can do a welfare check on him? I only suggest that because it doesn't sound like the rest of your family would do anything to help.

Don't put stock in what your drug addict uncle (or really anyone in your family) says;  they have way worse problems than you. I know you might not feel like it, but you're still a kid.  You've had to grow up way faster than you should have. Do not accept ANY of the guilt those around you try to pin on you. They are the adults. They are the ones who should have been protecting you and taking responsibility for their problems. It is not your responsibility to bear the burden of their mistakes.

On the bright side, you have youth and intelligence on your side. If you can't talk to your best friend, vent here or see your guidance counsellor (that's what I did in high school...sometimes I just liked talking to him about fluff, not just my problems). Stay away from your family as much as possible. Find an after school activity or get a part time job. Go for lots of walks outside. Volunteer (there are volunteer positions out there that don't require a lot of social interaction, if that's what you're uncomfortable with). When you're at home, stay in areas of the house that are empty. APPLY FOR SCHOLARSHIPS - the less power your family has over you, the better. Focus on your future and how awesome it's gonna be, instead of the lame people around you right now.

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6 hours ago, Kogent5 said:

I'm sorry you are having to deal with all that. This is a generalization, but Asian families don't talk about mental issues. Just sweep it under the rug and hope it resolves itself. At least that's my experience and most of my Asian friends. That attitude might be workable for minor mental issues, but God help you if that mental issue is something as severe as schizophrenia.

I have a hard time crying, too. It sucks because I used to be able to cry at sad movies and it would make me feel better. Now usually my eyes just hurt. But part of me thinks that maybe I've just become tougher...

Your family sounds terrible. It sounds like they're all pretty messed up in the head. If you're uncomfortable meeting up with your dad, don't do it. If you're worried about his safety, maybe the police can do a welfare check on him? I only suggest that because it doesn't sound like the rest of your family would do anything to help.

Don't put stock in what your drug addict uncle (or really anyone in your family) says;  they have way worse problems than you. I know you might not feel like it, but you're still a kid.  You've had to grow up way faster than you should have. Do not accept ANY of the guilt those around you try to pin on you. They are the adults. They are the ones who should have been protecting you and taking responsibility for their problems. It is not your responsibility to bear the burden of their mistakes.

On the bright side, you have youth and intelligence on your side. If you can't talk to your best friend, vent here or see your guidance counsellor (that's what I did in high school...sometimes I just liked talking to him about fluff, not just my problems). Stay away from your family as much as possible. Find an after school activity or get a part time job. Go for lots of walks outside. Volunteer (there are volunteer positions out there that don't require a lot of social interaction, if that's what you're uncomfortable with). When you're at home, stay in areas of the house that are empty. APPLY FOR SCHOLARSHIPS - the less power your family has over you, the better. Focus on your future and how awesome it's gonna be, instead of the lame people around you right now.

Please do listen to this advice. The last thing you should do is let them run over you.

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Sorry to hear about what youve been through, nobody deserves that.  At 15 you seem very intelligent. You arent worthless one bit. 

I wish you all the best and welcome to the forums, please know you are not alone.

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I'm really sorry if my answer is useless to you, but what I do when I can't make myself cry is I play music from a band called nothing, nowhere. Their lyrics always make me cry because they're associated with depression and anxiety, and I find myself in them, start feeling useless and cry everything out, after that I feel much better.

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Hello @TomatoTots I am very sorry you are going through this.  My best friend had to go to different people's homes growing up because no one wanted him and treated him like dirt.  What got him through it was basically refusing to accept anything his relatives told him about himself and he put himself into other things and focused on friendships, he dug in his heels and promised to be better and do better and now he is a successful teacher and amazing husband/father.  You will get there one day.  In the meantime  online you will find a lot of great communities that support and understand the "nerdy" side, these are great places to connect with people who share your interests.

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Hey TomatoTots :)

I'm really sorry to hear about all that. They're the ones with the problem...not you. Is there anyway to get out of that situation? I think it's very important to talk well to yourself. There's an exercise called the I Love You exercise where you just basically put your hand over your heart and say I Love You numerous times. Since you definitely can't rely on anyone else for that you need to be able to do it for yourself. I think it will help you out a lot. 

You're not gonna be in that house forever so try to hang in there. We're here whenever you need to vent. If you ever need someone to chat with feel free to message me :thumbsup:

 

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Life is not always easy for everybody. Just project you in the future with people you love and who love you. Try to make things positive, practice your passion. I hope all will be better for you soon. :Coopwink:

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oh dear! I am sorry you have to go through all of these from the people whom we hope would be there to support us and hear us. 

If I didn't read wrongly, you are currently 15 year old and i would assume you are still in school. I am not sure about the school system where you are at, but for me, all schools are equipped with a full time school counsellor. I am wondering if there are counsellors at school, whether it would be helpful to find someone whomyou would be able to talk to? I had it nowhere near what you went through but family issues caused my spirial into depression and ended up self-harming. Without the support I had at school from my teachers and counsellors, I might not have gotten the help I needed. 

Hang in there!

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