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Being a hermit


Chubbybunny89

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I'm not really sure why,but I've been a hermit for quite some time. During winter it is because of my OCD/germ phobia thing and seasonal affective disorder- too cold to go outside and walk around ,and so just inside crowded places with a bunch of coughing people-no thanks. I will have days I jsut don't leave the house. I hide almost. Before, it was during my days of depression, and as a kid I had days like this, but I did enjoy being outside. Funny thing is , I'm actually an extrovert and pretty social. But it's like 'm so lazy I don't want to go through the trouble unless it's worth it. For example- I could go around downtown. Then at least I go outside. But then, it's like, I'm alone the whole time. I won't make any new friends doing this, and honestly I hate eating at a restaurant or going to see a movie alone. (I'm also broke). I want social interaction, not...walk around with other people who won't talk to me. So I end up just staying inside. I've joined meetup, haven't gone or been able to go to one yet. Some days being a hermit doesn't bother me. Other days, I wonder what is wrong with me. When I hang out with friends I don't like staying at my place, I want to go out. Coming back and chilling at my place is boring, all I do is stay here and "chill". When the boyfriend comes home he's in his chill mode, and I'm the opposite. I'm like "let's socialize!", and he gets annoyed because he is having his alone time. Sometimes I wonder why he even wanted a live in girlfriend.

I dunno, anyone else have anything like this? I interact with people, but it's mostly through online or text messages. (I have to have communication with other humans frequently or I go insane and feel all lonely) 

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Yes every time I go out it is me around people that don't talk to me.  That's how it always is.  There have been times where I go a week or more not leaving the house.  The way I feel about life and people at this point I may never leave the house again.  This world has shown me time and time again that I'm nothing to them.  I don't need more examples of people's abuse of me.

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at the peak of my anxiety before I sought therapy I would barely leave the house.. I never spoke to my friends unless they messaged me first.. going out seemed like a burden.. I loathed being around people.. in a crowded city it can get pretty overwhelming.. but some days are better than others.. now with therapy and being on a health journey I give myself reasons to go outside.. even I don't speak to a soul.. the fresh air helps and much like you I feel better once I am out.. its a hard battle.. 

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I can totally relate to your situation.

Although not in a relationship, I believe I've experienced much through my life and even though I hold down a job I enjoy, I find my downtime at home is spent either sleeping or feeling utterly alone. I return home for my days off and simply close the door and rarely go out, only for food and the occasional local drive.

I think I had some terrible times when in the police in London and I've no idea where this came from, but I now simply don't trust people. I, like you, am a sociable human and generally get on well with those I work with, but have no real desire to develop friendships with them outside of work.

I'm something of a loner and have definitely come to realise this, but it's an awful place to be at times. The radio and occasionally the television, is my main company. I long for female company (and not simply for the obvious reasons) but those relationships I have been in have quite possibly been spoiled by my behaviour - I live with dysthymia - and when in a relationship, I quite often yearned for some 'me' time, as I found the demands of partners, wanting to be out and about or doing things, quite exhausting.

So, in essence, I've effectively given up the search for companionship and have no idea what my future holds. I'm not necessarily complaining, but do appreciate that perhaps the way I live isn't especially healthy, or normal, whatever that is. I hope you manage to overcome your situation though and if nothing else, find peace and contentment.

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I dont go out, other than to sometimes do some shopping or go out with friends very very rarely. 90% of the time I spend it inside,ive done ever since losing my job last year though when I did have a job and I worked I spend most of my free time indoors too. 

I know how you feel.

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Oh this is so me! Growing up, I was very sociable, I loved playing with my friends (I had lots of friends then, the more the merrier!)--in fact I was so sociable I sometimes got into trouble at school because even during class I couldn't stop talking! (Every single report card I took home for years said the same thing: "Talks too much!" LOL--well, it was true!) My poor teachers had to invent new "punishments", they were so desperate to stop my incessant chattering--it almost became a running joke! Of course nothing worked, I just kept on talking! (In my own defense I have to add: except for being extremely talkative, otherwise I was considered well-behaved--at least generally haha). But somewhere along the way, things changed. I lost my self-confidence, started withdrawing from people (not surprisingly, I lost most of my friends altho it's hard to tell which came first--withdrawal or loss of friends)--I suddenly felt like people who had been my friends had turned against me. Okay, maybe I was being paranoid. But I didn't imagine all the teasing and bullying that went on for years--until high school was over, in fact. I felt like an utter pariah--I had only a handful of real friends left, most people seemed to think I was some kind of joke which did nothing to help my self-esteem! Then (long story) my best friend, from the age of 6 (!) decided it was my fault that she wasn't popular--and she dumped me. That was the last straw, it was hard enough trusting ppl before then, but I figured if your closest friend in the world will abandon you, who won't ?? I did manage to survive college altho I made no lasting friends there either...since then I have basically kept to myself. I avoid people whenever possible--I won't answer the front door and rarely even pick up the phone! I'm ashamed for anyone to see me so I hide indoors--it isn't much fun!! I just feel like people don't want me around, so I don't "force" my company on them. Yes, it is very very lonely, and when I look back on the vivacious little girl I once was, she seems like a complete stranger! Well, I guess I can still talk incessantly ;-)--sorry! Just wanted to say--this hermit thing sucks!!!

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I like to think of myself as an approachable hermit ... haha.

I love being social - when I don't have to be the social one, if that makes any sense at all. I'm horrible at approaching people and starting/keeping conversations going.  I moved to a new town a couple of years ago, and all I really do is work - and that's in the next town over. I haven't really met anyone.

I just spent the winter break (about 3 months) basically inside every day. I think I can count how many times I went out shopping by myself on one hand. Other than taking my dog out for lots of walks, I stayed in my basement apartment. I have very few people that I talk to on a regular basis - a big part of why I signed up for the forums actually, I was super lonely this winter.

I can't wait for the summer - then I will at least be able to be a beach hermit instead of a basement hermit.

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On 24/03/2017 at 10:35 AM, Niobe said:

Oh this is so me! Growing up, I was very sociable, I loved playing with my friends (I had lots of friends then, the more the merrier!)--in fact I was so sociable I sometimes got into trouble at school because even during class I couldn't stop talking! (Every single report card I took home for years said the same thing: "Talks too much!" LOL--well, it was true!) My poor teachers had to invent new "punishments", they were so desperate to stop my incessant chattering--it almost became a running joke! Of course nothing worked, I just kept on talking! (In my own defense I have to add: except for being extremely talkative, otherwise I was considered well-behaved--at least generally haha). But somewhere along the way, things changed. I lost my self-confidence, started withdrawing from people (not surprisingly, I lost most of my friends altho it's hard to tell which came first--withdrawal or loss of friends)--I suddenly felt like people who had been my friends had turned against me. Okay, maybe I was being paranoid. But I didn't imagine all the teasing and bullying that went on for years--until high school was over, in fact. I felt like an utter pariah--I had only a handful of real friends left, most people seemed to think I was some kind of joke which did nothing to help my self-esteem! Then (long story) my best friend, from the age of 6 (!) decided it was my fault that she wasn't popular--and she dumped me. That was the last straw, it was hard enough trusting ppl before then, but I figured if your closest friend in the world will abandon you, who won't ?? I did manage to survive college altho I made no lasting friends there either...since then I have basically kept to myself. I avoid people whenever possible--I won't answer the front door and rarely even pick up the phone! I'm ashamed for anyone to see me so I hide indoors--it isn't much fun!! I just feel like people don't want me around, so I don't "force" my company on them. Yes, it is very very lonely, and when I look back on the vivacious little girl I once was, she seems like a complete stranger! Well, I guess I can still talk incessantly ;-)--sorry! Just wanted to say--this hermit thing sucks!!!

I personally think you've explained your situation with marvellous humour, a trait I actually quite admire in people. Despite the problems we seem to live with, I often think that I'm able to see humour in adversity and in fact it's got me into a bit of trouble from time to time, as I'm not especially 'politically correct' either! I can relate to what you're saying though and feel for you, in that the vivacious you definitely needs to be resurrected again, as it's such a shame that people can behave in a fashion that makes you become introspective. Very much other people who have made me turn inwards on myself and it's not nice at times, even though I try and put it behind me, I still struggle.

I wish you well and hope you are able to move out of your present situation. Best wishes and take care.

 

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On 3/24/2017 at 3:35 AM, Niobe said:first--people whenever possible--I won't answer the front door and rarely even pick up the phone! I'm ashamed for anyone to see me so I hide indoors--it isn't much fun!! I just feel like people don't want me around, so I don't "force" my company on them. Yes, it is very very lonely, and when I look back on the vivacious little girl I once was, she seems like a complete stranger! Well, I guess I can still talk incessantly ;-)--sorry! Just wanted to say--this hermit thing sucks!!!

Word for word that is exactly how I feel. I am so ashamed of myself, and because of my college background I tend to know very prestigious put together people who simultaneously are judgmental. I also feel ashamed of myself for my looks, my lack of a career etc.. if I looked bad I wouldn't answer the door, sometimes hide from phone calls. If it's someone calling to chat I don't mind ,but that never happens. I only get calls about bothersome things I don't want to deal with Bc I don't have the energy anymore.

People ask "what do you do?" It's embarrassing. It's so bad that some people expect me to be happy with s***ty jobs and to be excited about them. The other day my friend commented that I didn't seem very excited about the jobs. Well what's there to be excited about? I got some crappy retail job to make money. I went to college for microbiology. You expect me to be happy about this? She is of course a successful nurse and just bought a brand new car. Has tons of friends.

i don't have many friends myself and honestly I feel like isolating myself from the friends who I feel judge me. Can't escape the judgemental boyfriend ,but at least can hide from his family until I get something together.

if people could just stop looking down on others it would life a hell of a lot easier.

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4 hours ago, standup said:

Chubbybunny,

I also have a college degree, but I lost my former career years ago and now I have no idea what I'm going to do. Long story short, I have a 9 year gap in my resume, mostly due to mental illness. The reason I wasn't approved for disability is because they felt that I could clean offices (and one other job that I can't remember). Bullsh*t. How can I do anything when I can't even leave the house? And if I did end up cleaning offices, that would frankly make me more suicidal. 

Don't get me wrong, I'd rather be working than collecting disability but I have no idea who would hire me or what I would do. This is assuming I get any better because the way things are right now, I can't do any kind of work. This issue has been consuming me lately.

That's just plain terrible. I'm in a similar situation. I also hold some degrees, but they keep suggesting me these crap jobs. I'm on a benefit, but we're steering towards paid work now. Seriously. Of course we can do simple work. But the way I see it, many intelligent and educated people are the ones that get depressed. We see and notice more than say.. less intelligent people. As a result, we end up in the gutter. You must stand up to the authorities. But also play it smart. If you tell them how you really feel you'll get a lot further. Of course, you must also be cooperative. Show good will. I don't have all the answers yet, but the little dignity that we have left shouldn't be taken away. I'm mean, common, we're holding these degrees and think that work way below our level is going to make us feel better? NO! It indeed increases depression to the point of suicidal thoughts. Startle them if needed. Don't let them corner you and settle for nothing less. It does help of course, if you know what kind of job you DO want so make sure to work on that as much as possible, so you can offer THEM suggestions.

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21 hours ago, HL05 said:

That's just plain terrible. I'm in a similar situation. I also hold some degrees, but they keep suggesting me these crap jobs. I'm on a benefit, but we're steering towards paid work now. Seriously. Of course we can do simple work. But the way I see it, many intelligent and educated people are the ones that get depressed. We see and notice more than say.. less intelligent people. As a result, we end up in the gutter. You must stand up to the authorities. But also play it smart. If you tell them how you really feel you'll get a lot further. Of course, you must also be cooperative. Show good will. I don't have all the answers yet, but the little dignity that we have left shouldn't be taken away. I'm mean, common, we're holding these degrees and think that work way below our level is going to make us feel better? NO! It indeed increases depression to the point of suicidal thoughts. Startle them if needed. Don't let them corner you and settle for nothing less. It does help of course, if you know what kind of job you DO want so make sure to work on that as much as possible, so you can offer THEM suggestions.

THANK YOU!

God I'm tired of being suggested jobs I would hate and being expected to be happy about it. Recruiter even said "so excited for you!" about a janitor job. There is a difference between a job to pay bills, and an actual career,but no one on my side seems to get that. Friends/boyfriend who got jobs right out of college think I'm entitled ,and don't get it. They criticize me for being upset about not having a job in the degree I went into debt to get! It's probably good I didn't go to grad school, or I would have even more of an attitude. I only have a bachelor's it's supposed to be easier to get jobs with that. But why the hell are college graduates who worked in research labs being sent jobs of cleaning cages? Honestly, I'm happier working at this retail place than being a janitor for a research company where I'll see all the research techs and get p***** how I can't get that job when I've been trained in school to do what they do!

Yes, we feel entitled. Why? Because we spent time, money, and effort into education that was supposed to benefit us with the real world. Colleges advertise themselves by saying "Come get an education so you can get started on your career!" Literally, I've heard advertisements say "Ready to have a career? Come to this college!" We are taught from a young age to become educated so we can work and not end up in minimum wage jobs. So how come people act like we are wrong to feel this way?

Edited by Chubbybunny89
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