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Feeling disappointed in myself


Tid322

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There has been an overwhelming amount of things going wrong in my life lately. From family members deaths, overwhelming guilt, to financial woes. I've been trying to keep positive but it's piling up. I don't have anyone to talk to, as I have no friends, and my husband only makes me feel guilty and shameful for my emotions rather than loving and comforting.

 

Death is, what it is, and I can't change it. So oddly enough, it's probably affecting me the least. I am a stay at home mom and my kids (3&1) are overwhelming me to the point that I can't really leave the house with them. Their attitudes are embarrassing and atrocious. I know it reflects poorly on me as a parent as I receive dirty looks inside of the grocery store or bank. My husband blames me for their actions and attitudes. At first I rejected it, now I accept it. So I feel like a complete failure as a mom. I ask myself if it would be more selfish to continue being their mother or to leave and give them a better life? My husband could remarry someone better, kinder, more disciplinary, a better guider. Someone not so messed up mentally. He deserves someone better than me. Just another thing that makes me loathe myself even more. Everytime I say "I love you", to my husband it's met with questions and weariness. And when I say everytime, that isn't an exaggeration. It's never "I love you too." And hasn't been for years now. I've asked him to stop, but he says it's my fault because I'm not as loving or nice as I once was. So now I detach when I get upset, because I don't want to argue.

 

I started on a weight loss journey recently and have lost a lot of weight healthily. I was enjoying a new outlet, now I don't care about that anymore. Sometimes I purposely go without meals because I want to punish myself, and I'm afraid that the loss is becoming more of an obsession than the health aspect.

 

I feel like the weight-loss was the last thing I had control of and was at least doing one thing right in my life. Now I'm not even doing that right. I am just fed up and disappointed with myself. I hate myself more and more for my loss of my emotions and self control. I don't deserve to be here.

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Tid,

     You are a wonderful person but your situation may make it difficult for you to see that!  Since the day you were born you have done millions of good things, big and small . . . millions of brave and strong things . . . millions of wise and beautiful things . . . millions of kind and good things.  Literally millions.  Bringing two wonderful children into the world, who would exist without you is another wonderful thing about you.

Your value is inestimable!  In all of time, history and eternity there has never been someone exactly like you in the whole universe and there never will be again.  This is not something you have and can lose.  It is something you "are."  It is your being and the source of your inalienable nobility and dignity! ! !

     Please try to think of your life as something like walking.  You take thousands of steps when you are walking.  Most are successful.  In each step is a little strength, bravery, wisdom and goodness.  Occasionally we all fall down.  Everyone.  Those falls are memorable and often vivid.  But they are the smallest fraction of our total steps in life.  The successful steps vastly outnumber the falls.  Vastly outnumber them and outweigh them. 

     Being a parent is probably the hardest thing there is in life.  One can do one 's absolute best and not be sure of the outcome.  Children have their own wills.  I have known wonderful parents who have the greatest difficulty with their children.  Please do not look down on yourself for that. 

     It is easy to fall into the habit of comparing oneself to a perfect parent or a perfect person.  But there is no such thing.  Consider this:  there are millions of children who do not have any parents or have parents that are not as good as you are!  And there are millions of spouses who do not have spouses as good as you are.  You do the best you can given everything influencing you moment by moment and there are lots of things influencing you.  Your brain struggles to do its best.  It is not an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-perfect being!  It does its best.  It does not deserve to be hated.  Your brain only weighs about 3 pounds and does its best.  It deserves love, compassion, encouragement, understanding and consolation.  So do you!!!

     I wish I could write more to you but I have tendinitis in both hands and the longer I type the worse if gets, so I must stop now.  You are a wonderful person.  It is good that you exist!  It is great that you exist!   - epictetus

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Epictetus, I'm sorry about your tendinitis. I hope it's something that can eventually get better with time. Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate them, but I am having a hard time believing them. I feel like if I give myself leniency that I'm going to just mess up so many more things.

 

Standup, thank you for your response. I unfortunately do not, nor can I see a therapist. We have terrible health insurance and with a recent financial burden my husband put on us, it just isn't possible. But also, when we were able to afford that, my husband argued with me that I don't need a therapist and that I am wasting my time and our money if I were to go to one. He said if I went that he would feel betrayed because I won't talk to him (I can't talk to him, he just argues with me and makes me feel guilty for feeling how I feel, and then starts a pi**ing contest with why he should be more depressed), but I'd talk to a "stranger". I also am breastfeeding our son so wouldn't take medicine while doing that. But I'd likely never try medication again because the therapist tried eight different medications/and combinations even more and all it did was give me wicked anxiety attacks until I hyperventilated passing out, or vomiting on myself. That was as a teen so I am afraid that medicine and me do not work.

 

I really appreciate having this community. Because I am in no way exaggerating when I say I have no one. Even if it's just to vent.

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Thanks for the info standup. I do live in the US, but unfortunately my husband makes a lot of money, he is just very irresponsible with it. He just bought a truck that cost more than our mortgage if that gives you an idea. We have been denied healthcare help before, when he was making less money, because of our high income. Unfortunately it doesn't take into account all of his acquired debts for frivolous items. I will definitely give it a try, because it cannot hurt, but I am honestly not very hopeful.

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