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My Wife is Clueless


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My Wife. I love her so much. She doesn't even understand how much. I don't think she is capable. I am a hopeless romantic and my emotions are strong.

We have this compatibility problem. We are going therapy about it. But I don't think it's doing much good.

I am a very physical person. I want to be touched and hugged and kissed. I need physical displays of love. I makes me feel good, it makes me happy. I also need words of affirmation. I need to be told that I am loved. That I am needed. That I am wanted. I need these tangible displays of love. It sounds so stupid. I feel so silly saying it out loud or even writing it down here, because I sound so desperate. Desperate for attention I guess....like a dog.  It's very hard for me to tell her these things because I feel really really stupid. I wasn't always like this, but I am a changing person. Changing for the worse I think. My wife does not need these things. In fact quite the opposite, she has some tactile sensitivity issues and quite frequent does NOT want to be touched my me or our children. She also doesn't need me tell her I love her all the time. She doesn't really seem to need anything. She never asks me for anything. She never needs my support when she's down. But I think she projects these things on me. "If I don't need anything, then neither does he." But she's wrong. I do. Especially now. Desperately, as my depression seems to be getting worse and worse.

I tell her this ALL THE TIME. I've been telling her this for the past what? Five years now? We are going to counseling. I've told her there. More than once. We argue about it at least every two months. I say to her: "Do you understand? Do you realize how important to me? Do you get how lonely and rejected I feel without your affection?" I even showed her this stupid online relationship quiz I took, that completely validates my feelings and spells out how I feel in a way much more articulate than I ever could. (I am fully aware of the idiocy of "online relationship quizzes, so don't comment on that)

"Yes" She says " I understand." Then I come home yesterday from probably the worst day of my life, get a brief hug, and nothing the rest of the night. We climb into bed and both roll over away from each other. She was likely seconds from a pleasant sleep. I however was staring blankly in the dark, cold, sad, and hunkering down for my nightly 2-3 hour hell of trying to fall asleep while trapped in my own head. I said something to her before she fell asleep. I usually do. I can't help it. I know it's not going to end with us snuggling happy and dreaming dreams of unicorns and rainbows. I know it's going to turn into a fight and I'm going to feel SOOO much worse. But I say something anyways. It's what I do. It's called self destruction. I'm sure you guys know all about it.

"I don't understand why you wouldn't snuggle up to me and comfort me? You know how s***ty I feel. I don't understand how you are so oblivious to my needs." Again... It sounds so ****ing dumb when I say it out loud. What am I lost puppy or something? It doesn't matter though. I can't help how I feel, and I wanted nothing more for her to put her arms around me and squeeze me until I couldn't breathe. I wanted her to tell me that she loved me and everything was going to be fine. I want her to rub my back and comfort me. I feel like such a child.

But I didn't want to ask for it. I'm I so stupid to think that she would just know to do that? She seemed to think so. "What am I a mind-reader?" she says to me. After all of these times and years telling her these things she still doesn't get it. Someone please tell me if I am the one who is being irrational.

In her defense, she didn't sign up for this. I am a different person than the person she married. I don't no where, when, or why this depression hit me, but it did and it's getting worse. I feel like it's ruining my marriage, ruining my relationship with my children, and ruining my life. She is so sick of my . She thinks i'm mean and a d**k sometimes. She is sick of these complaints and these arguments we have, and I don't blame her. It's also very emasculating. I have become high maintenance. Something I ABHORE  We both enjoyed a very low-maintenance relationship for a long time. It's one reason we were so good together. She talks about how we used to be able to sit together and play cards, usually barely talking, and just enjoy each other's company. And she's right. It was so nice back then. Now I'm just baggage slowing circling the drain. I try so hard to be the person I once was, but I can't. I think it's too late. I'm broken. This past year alone has solidified me as the jerky, desperate sad-sack that I have become. And this melodramatic posting doesn't do me any favors.

She loves me, I know she does. And she tries

I don't know what to do. I am so hopelessly in love with her. She seriously doesn't even know. I'm not saying I love her more than she loves me. I'm just saying our minds work differently. I am very emotional and sensitive, and she gives me so many powerful "feels" It's hurts so much to have someone I love so much to be so cold and distant. She is not like that. She can't be. It's not who she is. But I don't think I can take it much longer. But I'm not kidding anyone. I'm not going anywhere. I couldn't live without her.

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Hi and welcome to the Forums This_Is_Not_Me,

    I want to tell you how very sorry I am that you are suffering in this sad and unfulfilling relationship with your wife.  Sadly, I am the last person on earth capable of giving relationship advice having a track record of tragedies in that area of life.  Hopefully someone else here will be able to offer you some words of wisdom.

  My heart goes out to you because I can completely relate to what you wrote so poignantly in your post. Your words are not abstract to me but bring back vivid but unhappy memories of my own life. I almost cried when I read your words!  

I hope and pray that somehow, someway you can find some outcome that will give you peace of mind and the joy of life again.  Please forgive the utter poverty of my reply to you.  I just am at a loss for words.  I wish you a future of only good things!!!   - epictetus

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Hi this_is_not_Me,

You do seem awash in your feelings, but I like that while holding on by your fingernails, you took time to affirm love you both have for each other. The fact that you are in marriage counseling is the right forum to work on this problem. What is your therapist's assessment? Both of you working toward middle ground of how to meet needs in marriage is the work to be done. You both seem committed to the marriage, so that is excellent.

Of course, marriage is the ultimate test for us to mature and grow. Differences between spouses on affection, sex, is very common, as I'm sure you know. But, you said you have changed since you were first married. Do you understand what created that? Was it something outside of the marriage.

I don't know how old you are, but if you're 40-50, you may be going through a midlife crisis and your feelings are elevated. You may be packing around a lot of depression from other things and that is wearing you down. For an extended time, we may suffer in trying to make the other person more like us; but we married them because they are not us, and bring something new and special to us, but not all comfy, cosey. 

You might consider depression medication and see if that helps. 

I don't know the answer, but you seem like a guy of integrity who is going to find a right answer is you have faith in your loving partner and keep searching. Blessings to you both.

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I've gone through something similar with my wife, and of course my wife never admitted doing anything wrong, and for years refused to admit there was a problem even when I asked her directly if she was upset at me or something.  Of course she was upset at me, I was angry with her for several years and acted like a jerk while in her eyes I became weak because I got depressed.  And when some women are upset or lose their feelings and respect for their partner, they aren't very physical anymore.  She probably doesn't understand your depression and need for help from her, because she has her own feelings to work through regarding your changes.

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This_Is_Not_Me - thanks for sharing! The whole time I read your post I was thinking - This is me! I am at lost as to what else to tell my wife. We have also been to counseling. I have tried to make changes to myself hoping to meet her half way but it is never enough. I agree with dude333 she probably has her own feelings to work through.

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i wish i didnt relate to your cold wife.... but i do.  I can be cold and unaffectionate.  but i dont want to be, which is the weird part. It sounds like she could use some therapy herself.  Women can hold onto things from the past, and we can also develop a cold exterior to protect ourselves.  The one thing my husband does to get through to me is- he forces me to talk.  Even if I dont want to.

No matter what... you deserve to feel loved.  I am sorry you aren't receiving that love.

Take Care

-Kitty

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Hi This Is Not Me,

Wow...When I read your post, I could really relate. My boyfriend sounds alot like your wife and I am more like you, it seems....I love physical touch (even just a brush of the hand or a quick hand on the shoulder). My boyfriend seems 'cold' to me, but I know that we are just very very different people. I cry at movies and commercials, and he doesn't cry. 

At first, I thought we balanced each other out in some way. I thought that if I was with someone who was very prone to depression and very emotional like me, then the combination would be too much. But now I realize that I'm always going to be sensitive, and he is always going to be a little more steady and emotionless.

My situation is a bit different because we are not married and do not want to get married. Sorry for rambling....I suppose my point was that I can relate to how difficult is to be with someone who you love but who is always very different in how they express their emotions. 

I do think it's a good idea to let your wife read your post if you haven't already. I hope it works out for you. Please keep us updated. 

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  • 3 months later...

I'm in tears reading this. I'm at the same point with my wife. I need this affection as well but my depression pushes her away to the point she doesn't even want to be in the same room most of the time. I had a run in with a mobile crisis unit last night after I tried to express that all I needed was her to care or at least show it. I felt extremely unloved and wanted the pain to end. Unfortunately my cry for help to her just made things worse. Maybe you shouldn't say anything to her just yet. I hope you find resolve my friend. I'm not sure I ever will.

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On 3/15/2017 at 8:52 AM, This_Is_Not_Me said:
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My Wife. I love her so much. She doesn't even understand how much. I don't think she is capable. I am a hopeless romantic and my emotions are strong.

We have this compatibility problem. We are going therapy about it. But I don't think it's doing much good.

I am a very physical person. I want to be touched and hugged and kissed. I need physical displays of love. I makes me feel good, it makes me happy. I also need words of affirmation. I need to be told that I am loved. That I am needed. That I am wanted. I need these tangible displays of love. It sounds so stupid. I feel so silly saying it out loud or even writing it down here, because I sound so desperate. Desperate for attention I guess....like a dog.  It's very hard for me to tell her these things because I feel really really stupid. I wasn't always like this, but I am a changing person. Changing for the worse I think. My wife does not need these things. In fact quite the opposite, she has some tactile sensitivity issues and quite frequent does NOT want to be touched my me or our children. She also doesn't need me tell her I love her all the time. She doesn't really seem to need anything. She never asks me for anything. She never needs my support when she's down. But I think she projects these things on me. "If I don't need anything, then neither does he." But she's wrong. I do. Especially now. Desperately, as my depression seems to be getting worse and worse.

I tell her this ALL THE TIME. I've been telling her this for the past what? Five years now? We are going to counseling. I've told her there. More than once. We argue about it at least every two months. I say to her: "Do you understand? Do you realize how important to me? Do you get how lonely and rejected I feel without your affection?" I even showed her this stupid online relationship quiz I took, that completely validates my feelings and spells out how I feel in a way much more articulate than I ever could. (I am fully aware of the idiocy of "online relationship quizzes, so don't comment on that)

"Yes" She says " I understand." Then I come home yesterday from probably the worst day of my life, get a brief hug, and nothing the rest of the night. We climb into bed and both roll over away from each other. She was likely seconds from a pleasant sleep. I however was staring blankly in the dark, cold, sad, and hunkering down for my nightly 2-3 hour hell of trying to fall asleep while trapped in my own head. I said something to her before she fell asleep. I usually do. I can't help it. I know it's not going to end with us snuggling happy and dreaming dreams of unicorns and rainbows. I know it's going to turn into a fight and I'm going to feel SOOO much worse. But I say something anyways. It's what I do. It's called self destruction. I'm sure you guys know all about it.

"I don't understand why you wouldn't snuggle up to me and comfort me? You know how s***ty I feel. I don't understand how you are so oblivious to my needs." Again... It sounds so ****ing dumb when I say it out loud. What am I lost puppy or something? It doesn't matter though. I can't help how I feel, and I wanted nothing more for her to put her arms around me and squeeze me until I couldn't breathe. I wanted her to tell me that she loved me and everything was going to be fine. I want her to rub my back and comfort me. I feel like such a child.

But I didn't want to ask for it. I'm I so stupid to think that she would just know to do that? She seemed to think so. "What am I a mind-reader?" she says to me. After all of these times and years telling her these things she still doesn't get it. Someone please tell me if I am the one who is being irrational.

In her defense, she didn't sign up for this. I am a different person than the person she married. I don't no where, when, or why this depression hit me, but it did and it's getting worse. I feel like it's ruining my marriage, ruining my relationship with my children, and ruining my life. She is so sick of my . She thinks i'm mean and a d**k sometimes. She is sick of these complaints and these arguments we have, and I don't blame her. It's also very emasculating. I have become high maintenance. Something I ABHORE  We both enjoyed a very low-maintenance relationship for a long time. It's one reason we were so good together. She talks about how we used to be able to sit together and play cards, usually barely talking, and just enjoy each other's company. And she's right. It was so nice back then. Now I'm just baggage slowing circling the drain. I try so hard to be the person I once was, but I can't. I think it's too late. I'm broken. This past year alone has solidified me as the jerky, desperate sad-sack that I have become. And this melodramatic posting doesn't do me any favors.

She loves me, I know she does. And she tries

 

brother reading your post is like me looking into a mirror!!!  the first few years were good, followed by a couple of years of being ok then over the next 20  years it was down hill, we have been nothing but room mates for the last 15 or so years now, in seperate rooms,  in the beginning she couldnt keep her hands off me, i mean id wake up and find her on top of me going to town, then after a few years it was like ok lets get it over with!, then it was you got 10 minutes hurry up!! ( we use to spend hours flirting and foreplay,) now she hasnt touched me in years, she really doesnt even talk to me unless its to hand out the honey do's,  i gave her my own list of honey do's just to see what she'd do,  she thought it was a poor attempt at being funny, i feel the only reason she keeps me around is to do the heavy lifting and fix what needs fixing

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