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He means the world to me.

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I've known someone for quite a long time now, since 2008. We've always loved each other and we're together at one point. However I left him because my depression/mood swings were getting the best of me. I had a hard time coping with PTSD and I thought I needed to heal. Felt horrible putting him through pain and misery because of what I was going through because he had problems going on too and was trying to heal from them. We didn't speak for three years. We spoke over Facebook on and off, than we started speaking on a regular basis and got closer. Overtime we grew and got closer. I admitted to all my wrongs and we both talked things over. I broke his heart and I felt so guilty for so long and cried myself at night because deep down I loved him. Just was going through a hard time and I knew I had to heal. He got so close to me, found things about me which I never told anyone else and I opened up to him about everything. I honestly never opened up to many men before because of the things I went through. I had a hard time trusting men too. For so long I couldn't trust anyone really to get close to me. Once he came back we got closer little by little. Realized he's hurt too and he held himself back because his last girlfriend cheated on him. He's been single for two years now. Lately we've been talking a lot more. 

He told me he misses me a lot and didn't realize how much he missed me until I moved away. He wants me to visit him often and stay at his house. And mentioned, "I want to see you more than every two months." This stuck out to me. For so long I thought he didn't care about me at all and forgot about me. He opened up to me, told me how he feels vulnerable for trusting me now, how he does love me, how he thinks a lot about me, misses me and has dreams about me. How he loves holding me, how I smell good and loves hugging and kissing me. Anytime I'm in his arms, I feel really safe. I feel protected by him. I've never felt like this before with any other man. The minute he holds me, I'm so happy and I can't stop smiling. His kisses are the absolute best and he told me he meant every single hug and kiss that he's ever given me. He has Asperger's and a lot of people think strangely of him but I admire him so much. The minute he walks into a room, I smile immediately. One night he kept looking at me and pointed out how smiley I was. When I looked at him, he was smiling too. The minute I pointed it out, he smiled and turned away very bashfully. He doesn't really express his emotions a lot but when he does it means so much more. 

I told him I'm understanding and we both worked through our past. We communicate a lot better and I never knew of his disorder because he got diagnosed about a year and a half ago I believe. Since than he took it rather hard and was very critical of himself and thought he was better off not having any relationship because he feared he would hurt the person he was with. I never realized this about him or how much he was suffering until I started hanging out with him. So I made it upon myself to be very supportive of him and be there for him whenever he needed to talk to me over Facebook. Our relationship grew by simply me being there for him. I just needed to get this out because today I needed to express this. All these thoughts have been on my mind for the longest time. He's very supportive of me too if I'm upset but if he feels too many emotions he does tell me. I told him he's not responsible for my emotions or when I have mood swings or if I'm sad and if we need to talk ever we'll talk when both of us are relaxed. He's very honest, sometimes he's very brutally honest and at times I see him looking horrible or looking worried. Again I told him, I'll support him no matter what. Before I left his house, I drew him a picture. "I'll always be here for you. I believe in you. =)" At the bottom I drew Faith in very colorful letters and left it on his desk. Above the picture I drew clouds and made each cloud a different color. Made sure it was bright and happy looking. In the end he loved it and smiled. He made me French Toast one morning and he was very worried about me getting back home safely. I notice the little things he does and take note that it's simply his way of saying, "I love you." Do I feel horrible for what I did in the past? Yes I do. I cried many nights and woke up sobbing, "I'm so sorry!" The one thing I know I needed to do though is take care of myself and try to get past things. My PTSD was taking over my life and I was angry at the world for a very long time. He's not responsible for my past, but he's very supportive when I do need him and I want to be supportive of him too.

When I was at his house his father talked to me and said, "Good. I'm glad he has someone to talk too. He needs someone who understands." Once I explained he's there for me too his father was happy, "I'm glad." I strongly believe I know him a lot better now than I ever did and this truly makes me happy. I'm learning a lot about his disorder and I've been learning things little by little since May of last year.

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