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Can't get a date? Feeling depressed and suicidal.


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Hey there, I can't seem to get a date. I've asked around 50 women out, and no one wants to go out with me, not even for a coffee. I have pretty good hygiene and am a pretty interesting guy. I don't come on too strong either, as far as I know. I have a pretty lean body. I am fairly attractive, though not a model. I have a decent amount of friends, and several hobbies. I am pretty ambitious, and plan to be a web developer or programmer on day. Any tips on how I could do better with women. Sometimes, I feel suicidal mostly because I feel lonely.  I also suffer from depression. I have barbiturates and alcohol, but do not know if I will **** myself or not yet.

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Hi there blueextreme ..... I'm brand new here also, having really only posted an introductory message so far.

Forgive me for being possibly intrusive, but the context of your post grabbed my attention.

You say you can't get a date ..... join the gang!

In all seriousness, I'm 62 years old and have been married and had far too many short and long term relationships to mention, following the break up, or down, of my marriage way back in the early 90's. I'm actually quite happy being on my own at the moment, but wondered if perhaps you may be trying too hard, or being someone you're not in an effort to attract the ladies?

One thing most people, women in particular, find unattractive (or so I've been led to believe) is when we men try and be something we're not. They much prefer us to be ourselves and that actually includes the proverbial 'warts and all.' Another thing that may be an obstacle in your search is the fact that those of us who live and suffer with some form of depressive disorder have an awful habit of not particularly liking ourselves. That, it may surprise you to learn, stands out like a sore thumb with other people. 

Please don't get me wrong, as I'm only putting across my viewpoint, but until such time as we begin to marginally like ourselves, we really can't expect other people to like us much.

Despite all that I've said, I wish you luck in getting a date; the only other thing I'd suggest is totally ignore 'trying' ..... simply sit back and wham, it may well happen when you least expect it.

Good luck and best wishes ..... Paul 

 

 

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I've just noticed the title of your original post blueextreme, which somehow I hadn't when I last posted.

I've lived with suicidal ideations for many years, yet only once considered seriously carrying them out - that was in the mid-90's. Although I'm still occasionally bothered with this awful process from time to time, I do feel I'm past considering it as a way out these days, which for me is a relief.

In your case, and with absolutely no disrespect intended, I'd say if you are feeling suicidal, then surely the last thing you should be considering is dating!

Perhaps your post is a cry for help, which is perfectly understandable and acceptable, in which case, I'm sure there are many people here who can advise or discuss this issue with you. In the first instance though, you need to seek help from your doctor, or if your suicidal tendencies are more overwhelming, get along to a hospital pronto.

I seriously hope you get the help I'm sure you deserve; please don't just leave it here - let us know all is otherwise okay and then perhaps we can return to discussing the important topic of women!

Take care bud and hope to hear back from you very soon.

 

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I find it intriguing when someone makes a post like this. "Women" are not like, a separate species. They are just like you :P I am one. So in saying that, it is not my belief that just women on a whole avoid you - I would be more apt to think that every person is so greatly unique, that the odds are very slim you will find someone you get along with (on a day-to-day basis). I think some people get dates all the time, because they don't particularly care who they are dating, or they don't particularly care much about seeing them more than once or twice. I'm guessing since you said you feel lonely, you don't want to just go to a movie with some random chick and never see her again, right?

I could be completely wrong, I don't know. From what you've said, and the way you can convey your thoughts, I don't think there is something innately wrong with you, maybe just your mental state, or your surroundings. How big is your city? Do you always seek out dates in the same way?

I also think that the media, and societal pressures in general force us into a way of thinking or to have expectations that aren't really realistic. It's not like a high school movie from the 80s. People aren't rifling through date after date and girlfriend after girlfriend - that's just not the norm.

My advice, as a girl, would be to focus more on putting yourself in situations where you can make friends - where you can meet people who already have something in common with you. Even if you make some more guy friends (or maybe you can approach the ones you already have), they might be able to introduce you to women with similar interests to you. Do you have any friends or family close enough to you that you could ask about this? Like, if they have any insights as to why your approaches are turned down?

I'm sorry you have had to deal with that. You deserve to feel wanted. Good luck, and feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to.

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Try not to stress out about not having a date for the night, stressing about it will only make it that much harder. Honestly if your not happy with who you are your not ready to invest in a relationship. My encouragement would be to find out what makes you happy and fulfilled in life. If you are in a good place with yourself, the confidence and joy that will naturally flow from you will attract people to you. A lot of people are not happy being themselves so when someone is that way people naturally flock to them. Take some time and find your peace and joy in life and the rest will fall into place. Good luck and keep your head up, I will be praying for you.

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4 hours ago, CoolCat7 said:

You've had good advice, above.  I definitely think you should just try to expand your social network as many people meet their significant other through friends.   Also I think part of your trouble may be that you don't have a good career yet.  Women generally like men to have a good job/career because most women eventually want to start a family and don't want to raise their kids in poverty.  

It's annoying to hear that about needing a good career. Since it's like what guy wants a woman to be with him due to just having a good job. If I get a good job eventually, I wouldn't want to share the money I'm making with someone else unless she's making good money herself. I just really dislike that women get to put in way less effort & they still usually get what they want. As a guy, you need to do the approaching, set up the dates, pay for everything at least in the beginning, have a good career, not have any nervousness, good social circle etc. It almost feels like it's not even worth it in the end if you have to put in so much work just to be with someone.

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@GAJ123, don't forget that according to De Beers marketing you should also spend 3 months' salary on an engagement ring :rasp:

I think you misinterpreted @CoolCat7's statement though, she merely pointed out that women generally like a guy with a good career. There are still plenty of women who are open to dating guys who aren't career-driven. It usually depends on her own goals too, someone who wants children is likely to be concerned with a potential boyfriend's career whereas someone who doesn't want children may be perfectly fine splitting the bills 50/50 or in some cases even being the breadwinner. 

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32 minutes ago, lonelyforeigner said:

@GAJ123, don't forget that according to De Beers marketing you should also spend 3 months' salary on an engagement ring :rasp:

I think you misinterpreted @CoolCat7's statement though, she merely pointed out that women generally like a guy with a good career. There are still plenty of women who are open to dating guys who aren't career-driven. It usually depends on her own goals too, someone who wants children is likely to be concerned with a potential boyfriend's career whereas someone who doesn't want children may be perfectly fine splitting the bills 50/50 or in some cases even being the breadwinner. 

True, I'm pretty sure I never want kids so who knows. It's going to be very difficult for me to find a woman that doesn't want kids as well as meet some of my own standards that I'd want in a woman. There's some things I'd be able to overlook where I'd still be perfectly fine to want to be with her, but there's some things that are automatic deal breakers for me. I just don't know what's going to happen for me to meet anyone at this point. I don't have a social circle anymore except for a few friends that don't live near me anymore that I chat with over text but I don't particularly hang out with anyone anymore except for the occasional once or twice a year at most. It's a lot of work though to want a chance to be with someone.

Edited by GAJ123
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