My 30 year old virgin friend

[Leaflet]

Hey all,

So I have a friend who's a gay man, 30, a virgin and not happy about it. In fact, somewhat desperate.

It seems he has a lot of anxiety about sex:
* Fear of just being intimate with another guy.
* Conflicted about being gay and Catholic (shame).
* I suspected he feels left behind.

7 years ago I was in this mental place of despair too. It consumed me and made me depressed. I was able to get past it with the help of therapy, some key replies on this very forum and a helping hand from a friend. Well, it's just I understand what my friend might be going through now, the pain, isolation, etc. I feel bad not that he's a virgin, but that he himself doesn't want to be - and well my own opinion is that our sexual nature as humans is to be enjoyed, to the extent that each individual is comfortable.

I just really want to help, but I don't know what to say or do to help him realise it's not a big deal. That most of us are sexual beings, it's not shameful, and that being a virgin doesn't matter. I don't even know how to broach this topic with him without sounding insulting. I gave up religion, which is how I resolved that conflict, but can't honestly suggest the same.

Any tips on how to go about helping?

Edited February 26, 2017 by Leaflet
Remove spelling error

[ladysmurf]

I am not an expert but here's my advice:

first of all he should feel no shame about his sexuality, be happy with who you are, and if people around  him don't like it, TOO BAD! I have a few friends who are homosexual and are embarrassed to tell family members, I can't even imagine how painful that is to hide your true feelings, wants, needs. He has one life to live, and he will never be happy if he does not accept himself, and ignores what others think about his sexuality.. It's like how people make fun of mental illness patients and call people "Weak, lazy, etc" .. if you believe them, you will suffer. I believed them in the past and thought I was weak and a failure, it didn't do me any good.

Unless he accepts, and loves himself for who he is, without listening to others, finding a relationship and an opportunity to have sex will be hard, don't you think so?

Perhaps support groups? or organizations can give you better tips and ideas on how to help him..

[lonelyforeigner]

On 2/26/2017 at 8:43 AM, Leaflet said:

[...] and well my own opinion is that our sexual nature as humans is to be enjoyed, to the extent that each individual is comfortable.

I just really want to help, but I don't know what to say or do to help him realise it's not a big deal. That most of us are sexual beings, it's not shameful, and that being a virgin doesn't matter.

That's a tough one because it runs contrary to the Catholic doctrine so from his perspective it IS a big deal. I have a similar situation with a Muslim friend who is in agony over the fact that she is having premarital sex with her boyfriend. She enjoys it but every few days she struggles with tremendous guilt because she feels what she's doing is against the will of God. I've tried reasoning with her saying she's not hurting anyone but from a religious perspective it remains a sin so the guilt always returns. 

Giving up on religion like you did is certainly a solution but obviously won't work for someone who truly believes. How open is he to changing his religious views? I imagine the most helpful thing would be to find other Catholic gays who have somehow managed to reconcile their sexuality with their religion. 

[Leaflet]

You're both right. Well I spoke to my friend (via sharing), and it's not as black and white - not just a case of sexual anxiety, but life anxieties too. It's funny because I had very similar experiences. @ladysmurf, been there too with being unhappy with who I was - basically years of bullying at school did that to me. It's really only through therapy, experiences and friends that I got past it. My best bet is to try be a true friend. He's such a lovely guy, I wish there was more I could do to help, but I guess it's not my place to pressure. Self-doubt is a tricky beast (Ironic eh?). It discourages those who suffer from trying, and yet it is through trying that self-doubt can be overcome!

And @lonelyforeigner, I really like the idea of finding other gay Christians. My ex here is involved in gay Christian groups, perhaps I could connect them. Thanks for the idea. I suspect that belief in the afterlife paralyses some people into inaction generally in their lives... I want to shake my friend and be like "Come on dude, you're not going to exist forever! What's there to lose?". For someone who does believe in the afterlife and a supreme entity who determines the quality of said, I guess they would think there is a lot to lose. To me, it all seems rather silly (no offence intended to anyone here of course, we all make our own choices in life).

[ladysmurf]

On 2/27/2017 at 11:30 PM, Leaflet said:

You're both right. Well I spoke to my friend (via sharing), and it's not as black and white - not just a case of sexual anxiety, but life anxieties too. It's funny because I had very similar experiences. @ladysmurf, been there too with being unhappy with who I was - basically years of bullying at school did that to me. It's really only through therapy, experiences and friends that I got past it. My best bet is to try be a true friend. He's such a lovely guy, I wish there was more I could do to help, but I guess it's not my place to pressure. Self-doubt is a tricky beast (Ironic eh?). It discourages those who suffer from trying, and yet it is through trying that self-doubt can be overcome!

And @lonelyforeigner, I really like the idea of finding other gay Christians. My ex here is involved in gay Christian groups, perhaps I could connect them. Thanks for the idea. I suspect that belief in the afterlife paralyses some people into inaction generally in their lives... I want to shake my friend and be like "Come on dude, you're not going to exist forever! What's there to lose?". For someone who does believe in the afterlife and a supreme entity who determines the quality of said, I guess they would think there is a lot to lose. To me, it all seems rather silly (no offence intended to anyone here of course, we all make our own choices in life).

I am not sure what the best answer is, but both of my classmates who were bisexual were religious and didn't allow it to become a problem regarding their sexuality.

It's his life...and I am sure there are many people out there who are religious and are homosexual. I don't see anything wrong with it..I think if he accepts himself more, he wont care about what others think, and he shouldn't. I think the Christian groups would be a great help for him

[Roche Runo]

you can say no matter what you do  you can count on me to support you.   Accepting yourself as having an antraction to the same sex can be challenge.  Maybe offer to take him to gay bar so he can observe.  Go to a bookstore that GLBT boods  and by him a book on accepting yourself.    If he as a good computer  ask him if he would like to join Second LIfe  It's a virtual world on line  whey he can experience being gay in complete privacy.   And yes you can simulate adult activities there.  Second Life helped me to accept  i was gay.  at the age 50.