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Hermitic

I can't escape these thoughts.

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Since I was last here, I have done a lot. I moved to another country and have had internships and projects. I have tried to do meaningful things with my time, but I can't escape thoughts of my worthlessness... or her. Who is she? A girl/woman I have been obsessed with since 2011. I have had strong feelings for her that no one else in my entire life has even come close to invoking. She rejected me, and I ruined my only chances of interacting with her. We think very similarly, we have similar opinions, we have similar interests; we could have been good friends. I have had no meaningful friendships in my life. People have always left me, as I am repulsive. My depression has polluted my life and experiences since elementary school.

Shortly before writing this I looked for information and pictures of her. I shouldn't have done that, but is trying to suppress my feelings really better? I can't tell her or anyone else how I feel. I have tried, but no one understands. I can't even explain it to myself, really. I wanted and want to love her, and I wanted and want to be loved. She is unreachable. Even if I found an email or postal address, it wouldn't help. She wouldn't respond, or her response would just add to the emotional pain I have lived with for many years. She was done a lot with her life. She has had friends and experiences. She is tremendously intelligent, and I am unworthy to waste her time. Conversely, I have done almost nothing with my life. I wasted time and money, and I'll never be able to retrieve the youth I have wasted. I am only 21, so I still have youth remaining, but it will be gone soon, and she will never want anything to do with me. We could have been great friends. We could have understood each other. I am so empty, hollow, numb. Thoughts of her make me feel. Unfortunately, that feeling is pain.

I have only been able to do what I have done recently because I have money, not because I am capable or intelligent. I paid enough people and was able to secure unfair positions. I am a wretched fool, and she was right to reject me. I have attempted suicide many times, but I always fail or give up. I don't want to live with this pain any more. I have had bulimia for years as well, and I have badly and irreversible damaged my body through that. My pain will only increase with time. Her life will become more meaningful and she will have great memories. My life remains hollow, and I can hardly remember much, and what I remember is mostly shameful and regrettable.

No one cares. So I whine anonymously on some website. What a loser. None of you know me. No one else knows me either. I don't know me. Those I have tried to explain myself to have left, or I have discovered them to be not suited for me. I cannot relate to people. I cannot make friendships or relationships of any kind. All I can do to escape endless crying is suppress my feelings, and I don't want to do that. I want to feel! I want to love! Why must it hurt? I am a fool for wasting my life and opportunities. I'll never have love, and I'll never be able to express myself to anyone, including myself. I have to die anyway. I'm already dead, really.

This thread will be buried like all the rest. You will forget me like everyone else has. No one can see me cry. I have no one. Why bother?

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Plenty of reasons to bother. Sure, maybe people come and go on this forum, but does not take away what the moment meant. I use mindfulness everyday. I focus on the present moment. It can be difficult. Some days it takes a lot of concentration. My past is filled with terrible things. If i let myself i could obsess about it all night. And even if my life were going better, the future seems uncertain and dangerous. So i think about my breathing, i commit to concentrate on my awareness. I remember how i survived. When i was 21, my decade of insane was about to start. I got a lot of things wrong. Made some bad calls, lost a lot. It took a lot of hard work, but i made it past the real bad times. So can you. But dont attack us. I happen to care tremendously about the people on here. The younger ones. The older ones who have lost hope. The ones that didnt make it. It is a simple fact, it is never too late to make a change, unless your dead.

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I've felt this way, or at least very similarly towards a girl. It's been maybe 6 or so years since I first met her.

I agree, you shouldn't suppress yourself from glancing at her social media every now and then if you are feeling the undying urge to do so, but just keep in mind that it is only a glance that you are doing and nothing more, otherwise it is very likely in your best interest to do other things and avoid any media of this person.

It is not up to another person to completely validate your life, although love can make us think otherwise. However, what you should accept is that this is a one-way love. I don't know the intricacies of your relationship with this girl, but if she has otherwise rejected any such advances then it is best to move on. I mean, yes, it's always possible that you can prove yourself to someone, even if they have rejected you, but that might very well mean letting go of them just the same.

Some say love is a drug, and if you live for love then you have to accept the rules of love. If I could suggest something it would be finding ways to express yourself or your feelings; listening to music, writing poetry, doing art - but this is coming from someone who is a creative himself.

Coming from another perspective I would say this: You should be able to satisfy your destiny in life one way or another by following a path. This path isn't a direct route to bliss, but it should be one that none-the-less you can find meaning and satisfaction (if not here and there) with. Love, girls, relationships may be parts of this path which may very well develop, but the most important thing is developing yourself. If you feel like you live for this girl, or finding the perfect match, you are likely far from alone in this, irregardless however, you are more likely to find this by being your best you.

In a way I feel like I am directing this message to me a couple of years ago, and what I would honestly say to myself is "forget this chick, you are worth so much more, in a way your suffering has validated you and made you so much more valuable than to put yourself at the feet of someone who you feel has caused you so much sorrow." The other funny thing is do you think that if you ended up with this person that the rest of your life would just live happily ever after? I might be sounding a bit harsh, but believe me, it's because I feel like I'm speaking to myself a little too. What I mean to say is that life is about the journey, and not so much the destination; recognize what you are feeling right now, and what you are right now, and make the best decision to better yourself with, or at least recognize your real feelings and the real reality.

I hope any of this helps, and yes express yourself on forums, or find a counselor you can trust. One thing that really helped me was finding a counselor who I felt I could confide anything comfortably with. She also happened to specialize in relationship, and love obsession. You're doing the right thing by explaining your issues because it shows that you want to find solutions.

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It's not just the relationship; it's what she represents. She is what I could have been. She shows me how poorly I have led my life. Would I be perfectly happy if she had ever accepted me? No. Would I be happier? Yes. I would have finally had someone to share my life with and care about me. I would have finally felt accepted and loved, I could have matured. I didn't and don't love her, and I don't seek validation through her specifically. Rather, I want to be loved by someone, and I have never met a better candidate than her. I am at least mostly to blame for her rejection of me, and that is one more regret to add to the enormous list of them which burdens me always. I don't look for information about her because it gives me some kind of high or makes me feel good; it actually makes me feel horribly about myself and massively worsens my depression. I also do not necessarily mean romantic love. I want someone I care about who cares about me, and these feelings must be intrinsic. I have never felt intrinsically motivated to make anyone happy, except her. She inspires emotion in me that no one else has been able to replicate. I crave human interaction, but I am extremely picky about who I want to interact with. She met and meets every requirement, so he permanent distance is yet further pain. I feel worthless and incompetent, idiotic and wasted.

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13 hours ago, Hermitic said:

It's not just the relationship; it's what she represents. She is what I could have been. She shows me how poorly I have led my life. Would I be perfectly happy if she had ever accepted me? No. Would I be happier? Yes. I would have finally had someone to share my life with and care about me. I would have finally felt accepted and loved, I could have matured. I didn't and don't love her, and I don't seek validation through her specifically. Rather, I want to be loved by someone, and I have never met a better candidate than her. I am at least mostly to blame for her rejection of me, and that is one more regret to add to the enormous list of them which burdens me always. I don't look for information about her because it gives me some kind of high or makes me feel good; it actually makes me feel horribly about myself and massively worsens my depression. I also do not necessarily mean romantic love. I want someone I care about who cares about me, and these feelings must be intrinsic. I have never felt intrinsically motivated to make anyone happy, except her. She inspires emotion in me that no one else has been able to replicate. I crave human interaction, but I am extremely picky about who I want to interact with. She met and meets every requirement, so he permanent distance is yet further pain. I feel worthless and incompetent, idiotic and wasted.

I sympathize with you because I have felt similar to this. Amazingly though I have gotten over this one specific person who made me feel this way. It took me time, years, but through all of that time I realized that most of the situation was because of my own glorification of both her, and this "love that was meant to be" in my head.

Since then, I have learned that any real relationship that is going to develop for me will be on the basis of pragmatism. Maybe through a class, or through a job, or through a friend or a friend of a friend. Maybe somebody who works at somewhere you shop. The reason being that these are real life situations that occur to me on a daily basis, and these are the places where I am likely to develop any kind of relationship. What's important though is that you find peace with yourself, because that is going to put you in the 'proper' state of mind for meeting people and developing a new relationship.

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No, I don't mean that I seek validation through her or that I believe only she could make me happy. Rather, in my mind she became a representation of my failure and inadequacy, as we once were very similar people in very similar situations. She has done far more with her life than I have with mine. Thus her success shows what an incapable fool I am. Yes, I have unreciprocated feelings for her, and that certainly makes things worse, but that is not the primary focus of my present emotional anguish.

I have always thought of relationships as resulting from pragmatism. However, I don't meet or interact with people, and depression hinders my ability to connect and communicate. I spent months going to many social events and being very active, filling my time with work and activities. I spent a lot of time with people, yet from that I developed no relationships, platonic or otherwise. I was frustrated and exhausted constantly, as I disliked being around people and interacting with people. I am certainly an introvert, and I would much rather have a small group of extremely close friends that a large group of shallow friendships. But I don't have any friendships. You're probably right about me needing to be in a different state of mind, as my myriad attempts in the past year resulted in nothing. However, I don't know how to do that.

Moreover, I don't want to interact with just anyone. I am extremely picky about the people I will accept, and I think this is preferable to having lots of "friends" I don't actually like. If I will closely interact with someone, I want that someone and myself to be compatible. But I can't seem to meet people, and people have consistently rejected me and left me for my entire life. Clearly I am simply repulsive. Conversely, that woman has close relationships and people to talk to. I don't, thus my coming here and whining to strangers. I never had the emotional support necessary to develop a sense of self or experience a life that seemed meaningful. Many people vie for her attention, as she has responsibilities. I must whine for anyone to notice me, and I am always the inferior in social interactions.

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