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MtnDreams

What's the point?

17 posts in this topic

Posted · Report post  

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Why does each day keep ticking by when the experience of each day is so pointless?  Why are there so many nice and beautiful things in the world when each of those things will eventually fade away?  Why do people strive so hard to define a place in this world when in the end their place will be meaningless?  Why have I been thinking about these stupid concepts all my life while continuously failing to find an answer?  And why do I even think there will be an answer to these questions?

Why is it that I am so smart and everyone else is just so dumb?  Why is it that I am the only one who really sees what is going on and understands the real severity of the issues that affect our day to day lives?  Why am I the only one who really cares about what is going on?  Everyone else is so buried in their trivial little lives and they fail to see the bigger picture, of which only someone like me is capable of grasping.

But I know the real truth.  I know that there is nothing special, unique, or enlightened about me.  I am not the smart one.  And I am not the caring one.  I have no better insight into life than anyone else.  Or even worse.  Because I spend all my time thinking about what I think about, I am not focusing my attention on what I should be focusing on.  And I am not capable of dealing with the details of life.  Maybe I focus on this "big picture" as a means to escape those details of life.  And in the process of escaping I delude myself into thinking that I am some wise person who is above and beyond the mundane plane that everyone else is stuck in.

It's all pathetic in the end.  It's all a lie I have created and one that I detest so much.  How can I have any respect for someone that lives such a pathetic lie?  Why do I go on living this stupid and meaningless existence?  What a complete waste of resources and time.  I have all these gifts but I have squandered them, wasted them.  How disgraceful.  I have lived three quarters of my life and I regret just about every moment of it.  I can recall maybe 4 or 5 moments in my life that I am proud of.  Other than that I regret it all and I would give absolutely anything if I could go back to being a youngster and start it all over again.

What am I rambling about and why the heck am I posting this?  Why am I subjecting all of you to my stupidity of which I apologize for?  Not a single person in my life, not one, has any idea of the thoughts that occupy 90% of my daily thinking.  So I guess this post is meant to reach out to someone out there in order to discuss this pathetic nonsense.

My entire life is a facade.  I wear a mask every single day that projects an image of confidence, happiness, and capability.  But little does anyone know that inside I am a fraud.  I fool everyone I come in contact with thinking that I am someone else.  But the truth is that I just cannot put on this disguise any longer.  I have nothing left.

Take good care.

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Posted · Report post  

You're not the only one.  Awareness of the illusory nature of this life can feel like a curse.  I'm 50 and have worn the mask my whole life.  Now I feel like I'm out of gas and don't want to play the game anymore.  But there is no choice.  I just want to endure until the end with as much dignity as I can.  Hopefully I can still bring something good into others' lives, just a little bit at least.  

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I can relate. I notice that you describe yourself as "so smart" and then talk about "your stupidity" in the same post. I think it's just being tuned in to the relative meaninglessness that each of our lives has when viewed from a historical or universal perspective. Some people have a religious faith that allows them to feel like their lives have some sort of purpose that is given to them by a creator, or that they are a part of something larger, or that they will not really pass on, but will be one in a long line of reincarnations, etc. Basically, that this short life of ours isn't all there is.

Personally, I agree with the existentialists like Sartre and Camus. We have to create our own meaning in life, even if we know that that meaning is just something we randomly picked to give our lives some structure and give us some goals. Right now, I am struggling with this, too, because I am not sure if my dreams and goals are achievable, and so I need to rethink them, which means I am without a purpose, too.

I get the feeling that maybe you, like me, grew up with the sense that you had a lot of potential, but perhaps your depression has prevented you from doing what you feel like you should have been able to do with your "gifts" that you have "squandered." Sometimes I feel like it's not really great to be expected to do great things with your life from a young age, especially when no further guidance is provided. Don't really know if this applies to you; I'm just guessing because that was my experience and I feel like I have a similar feeling that I haven't achieved anything worthwhile in my 40 years on earth, nothing like what I and others thought I was capable of when I was younger.

Anyway, I empathize with you. Perhaps you need to look into CBT? I have found it helpful, though I need to practice it more, myself. I sense from your post you may have some cognitive distortions which are making things harder on you mentally and may be preventing you from seeing yourself clearly and in a more kind light. Try to consider how you would advise a friend who was in the same situation as you, and then see if maybe you are much more harsh on yourself than you would be with them.

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Posted (edited) · Report post  

Yeah. I generally feel as if I'm leading a false life. Most of the things that entertain others (especially sports) don't mean anything to me. I often feel "stupid" because I don't understand what people are saying or thinking. And then I wonder how a m0r0n like me can understand something, when thousands or even millions of other people apparently can't.

I've been at it 57 years. I still don't "get it".

Edited by JD4010

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1 hour ago, JD4010 said:

Yeah. I generally feel as if I'm leading a false life. Most of the things that entertain others (especially sports) don't mean anything to me. I often feel "stupid" because I don't understand what people are saying or thinking. And then I wonder how a m0r0n like me can understand something, when thousands or even millions of other people apparently can't.

I've been at it 57 years. I still don't "get it".

I like to keep in mind the words of the ancients here. The Socratic paradox, a phrase attributed to Socrates is translated as, "I know that I know nothing," or "I know one thing; that I know nothing." Or, as Lao Tzu is translated, "The wise man is one who knows what he does not know." :)

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Posted (edited) · Report post  

You are not alone. I too hide behind the facade. 

The curtailment of connection. The absence of power. I feel like a pawn tangled in the webs of affliction. 

Edited by legacy6364

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On 2/16/2017 at 2:20 PM, MtnDreams said:
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Why does each day keep ticking by when the experience of each day is so pointless?  Why are there so many nice and beautiful things in the world when each of those things will eventually fade away?  Why do people strive so hard to define a place in this world when in the end their place will be meaningless?  Why have I been thinking about these stupid concepts all my life while continuously failing to find an answer?  And why do I even think there will be an answer to these questions?

Knowing that everything will end is supposed to make you appreciate it more while it's here, don't take anything or anyone for granted.  I don't know why people strive so hard to define a place in this world, seems like time might be better spent having fun.  I feel pointless a lot of the time too, but, it doesn't seem like that matters either.  No matter what I do, I'm just wasting time until my end.

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Having people that know the truth behind your mask doesn't necessarily improve your life. Nor does ruminating about the inherent nihilism of existence. The reason why people live their pretentious lives is because they have things that are worthwhile to them, goals that are worth accomplishing(at least in their minds). Since you have no one that knows the truth, consider this: you're deceiving yourself. The individuals who share in your struggles know what you deal with on a daily basis. What you need to do is find someone compassionate that's part of your small details. You need to reveal the truth to this person. I never had the luxury of pretending. Even some of the friends I haven't talked with about my depression knew the truth. "You look like you have crippling depression." You have the opportunity to tell someone you trust the truth, and to share it only with them. Tread wisely.

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Sometimes I look at my life, my reactions to things, and see that it feels "normal" for me to feel bad.  I'm moving away from that (I hope), but it's still hard.  The struggle is exhausting.  I've hidden from people most of my life; not wanting to be judged; not wanting to make others uncomfortable with my unhappiness; worrying more about being acceptable to others, because if I judge myself harshly -- and I do -- what must they think of me?  The wearing of the mask is easier than intimacy; the fear that "if you really knew me you wouldn't like me," becomes a habit that's hard to break. 

I want to be intimate with someone.  I think we here are more intimate with each other than (maybe) in our everyday lives.  But I want a life partner, boyfriend, lover, friend to share myself with, and for him to share himself with me.  I've been disappointed and been a disappointment in romantic relationships, because of that last veil or two that keeps me apart from someone with whom I want closeness.

I'm rambling now.  But I found an interesting quote a while ago (I believe that not everything is random).  It goes:

"Life is an opportunity to satisfy the hunger and thirst of the soul."
Pir-O-Murshid Hazrat Inayat Kahn

If there are things we're thirsty for, we should go drink them.  Believe we can have them.  That's a tall (f.u.c.k.i.n.g) order, I know.  And though my life is not what I want it to be right now, certain aspects of it have fallen into place like the pieces of a puzzle I thought I'd never figure out.  There are many more pieces to go.  Sometimes they seem entirely possible to place; other times I'm so far away from the big picture I want to d.i.e.; I'm lost, hopeless and on fire with longing for things I'm afraid I'll never have.  But I keep moving because if I stop, it's over. 

 

 

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Posted · Report post  

Thank you all for your posts.  I know I am not smart.  I am no dummy but I am no genius either.  But yet I go through life thinking that I am some intellectual who comprehends things deeper than most.  But that is not the truth - we all comprehend things the way each of us comprehends things.  The lie I speak of is my fooling myself that I am some intellectual when in reality I am an average person.  Why can't I just be happy being average? And I don't mean "average" as a pejorative, but rather, as normal.

All of these thoughts don't take the form of just intellectual ability.  In general, I find that I see myself as someone who is a larger than life person.  As a someone who has climbed mountains (which I have).  Someone that can stay calm under intense situations (which I do).  Someone that has achieved great things both professionally and personally (which I have).  Even though I have achieved great things I still find that I live in a world of grandeur as some attempt to make myself feel good about myself.  I also think that I am a pretty conceited person.  But if you were to know me you wouldn't think that at all because I am very kind and down to earth.  I could be wrong about that but based on how people treat me I think that is a true statement.  Someone mentioned cognitive distortions - absolutely the truth.  Impostor Syndrome is something that cripples me.  Every day I think I am going to be fired from my job but I continue to get promoted year after year after year.

I am just do sick of living like this.  Why do I live in this alternate life of grandeur when my own life is pretty darn good?  Why can't I just be happy with myself when I am a pretty good person?  Why do I absolutely hate and despise myself so very much?  I hate myself.  I just absolutely hate myself.

i find that I desperately need to have a connection with someone so that I can share these thoughts.  My trouble is that I have no one.  I can't tell these things to my wife.  My kids are too young.  I don't have parents or siblings that I can talk to. I have no friends, as in zero.  I don't have coworkers that I could talk to.  So here I am.  Thank you for listening.  You all have been very helpful and caring.  Thank you.

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Posted · Report post  

Hi there mtn. Im also in a strange place.  On the outside looking in, looks like im doin good. Have to experience many great things. But inside almost complete turmoil. Violent thoughts. Deep philisophical questions. The topic, whats the point. It probably has been asked since man was smart enough to ask it. And nowadays, everyone has thier own ideas about it. At this point in my life, i feel what we do does have great meaning. What we do ripples through time, forever. A giant mosh pit of actions, turning into a past time every moment. I can not accept, that me being here is some kind of coincidence.

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calm yourself and do things like listening to music, read about space and its mysteries while listening to this 

 or read about ancient history with this 

trust me, it might help.

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I'll give it a try.  The only time of my week when I can do what I want is when I drive to and from work.  It's also the only time I'm alone, which I find I desperately need.  Being around people all day and night who need to talk to me, need to ask me things, need things from me makes me absolutely nuts.  I just can't take it anymore.  But I'll give Rome Total War a shot.  Thank you.

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