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How do you personally describe depression?


lp44

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My depression is a very deep , dangerous , dark, vast metaphorical cave.

It sounds pretty bad when I describe it this way but to me it is a natural resource.

Again and again I remind myself it's a secret hideaway.

I just try so hard not to go too deep.

Depression plays very nasty tricks on our psyches.

Why not play some clever tricks right back ?

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A black hole filled with sludge that no matter how hard I fight or struggle against, I just fall deeper and deeper. I can't breathe, I can't think, all I can do is focus on the light that I can't get to, no matter how hard I try. And nothing makes it better. I have no lifeboat. I'll just sink until I die. 

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To me it's like being in a hole in the ground made of dirt. The deeper you're find yourself, the harder it is to climb out because the walls crumble under your hands and you're too tired to reach the opening anyway. Also, the longer you're down there, the harder it is to remember what the light looks like.

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For me...

I am relaxing on a very comfortable chair in my back yard on a nice sunny and warm Sunday afternoon.  I have a great view in my yard of a rolling valley with tall mountains in the distance - it's beautiful.  My two kids are playing on the grass having a great time laughing and being silly.  I've got steaks cooking on my grill and they smell wonderful.  And I'm taking it all in with my favorite alcohol in my hand.  Man am I lucky - I am living the American dream...

...but I am absolutely hating every minute of this.  I don't want to be here.  I very much need to be somewhere else doing something else.  But I have no idea where or what that is.  Something is just not right about this and it is all I can do to stay calm and not go crazy with angst...

...then I am swept over with horrible guilt. What the hell is wrong with me if I can't be happy and love life given how lucky I am?  And if I can't be happy given what I have what will it actually take to make me happy?  That is when the utter hopelessness really hits home.  I hate this.  I hate every stinking minute of this.  Please, please, please let this just end.  But it doesn't... day after day after day.

That is depression for me.

Edited by MtnDreams
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Depression is a selfish liar and in my life it brings a buddy along, insecure and irresponsible anxiety. 

Together they make me look like a lazy, self absorbed. Irresponsible slob, always making excuses and failing to carry through. 

I spend my life fighting off these uninvited diseases so that they don't convince me to believe I should just give up and let go.

 

 

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4 hours ago, MtnDreams said:

For me...

I am relaxing on a very comfortable chair in my back yard on a nice sunny and warm Sunday afternoon.  I have a great view in my yard of a rolling valley with tall mountains in the distance - it's beautiful.  My two kids are playing on the grass having a great time laughing and being silly.  I've got steaks cooking on my grill and they smell wonderful.  And I'm taking it all in with my favorite alcohol in my hand.  Man am I lucky - I am living the American dream...

...but I am absolutely hating every minute of this.  I don't want to be here.  I very much need to be somewhere else doing something else.  But I have no idea where or what that is.  Something is just not right about this and it is all I can do to stay calm and not go crazy with angst...

...then I am swept over with horrible guilt. What the hell is wrong with me if I can't be happy and love life given how lucky I am?  And if I can't be happy given what I have what will it actually take to make me happy?  That is when the utter hopelessness really hits home.  I hate this.  I hate every stinking minute of this.  Please, please, please let this just end.  But it doesn't... day after day after day.

That is depression for me.

Wow, our situations are different... but I often feel this way... I feel like total Cr*p; but have many blessings. love the part about the day after day.... Very well articulated!

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It is like a part of you has died, while your body continues to live. Some people experience this 'death' in small parts, some in large. Some people experience it in different places, or at different times. Some people heal it, some people hide it, and some people wither away altogether. It embodies everything that death does; pain, grief, hopelessness, isolation, despair. It tears you apart, and seeps into the people that are all around you as well. It is you existing, while not actually living...

Edited by cheshire_chick
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The feeling of hopelessness and major emotional pain and turmoil.  being at the mercy of your negative feelings and thought.  its wildly uncontrollable and intoxicating.  I sometimes enjoy my manic depressive episodes.  

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7 hours ago, MtnDreams said:

For me...

I am relaxing on a very comfortable chair in my back yard on a nice sunny and warm Sunday afternoon.  I have a great view in my yard of a rolling valley with tall mountains in the distance - it's beautiful.  My two kids are playing on the grass having a great time laughing and being silly.  I've got steaks cooking on my grill and they smell wonderful.  And I'm taking it all in with my favorite alcohol in my hand.  Man am I lucky - I am living the American dream...

...but I am absolutely hating every minute of this.  I don't want to be here.  I very much need to be somewhere else doing something else.  But I have no idea where or what that is.  Something is just not right about this and it is all I can do to stay calm and not go crazy with angst...

...then I am swept over with horrible guilt. What the hell is wrong with me if I can't be happy and love life given how lucky I am?  And if I can't be happy given what I have what will it actually take to make me happy?  That is when the utter hopelessness really hits home.  I hate this.  I hate every stinking minute of this.  Please, please, please let this just end.  But it doesn't... day after day after day.

That is depression for me.

 

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Depression feels different at different times.   Sometimes I picture falling down a hole, falling, falling, falling and there is no bottom  I am falling backwards with my arms and legs toward the top.  I have no way to stop, arms and legs cannot even cushion me if I ever reach the bottom.  The fear is that there is  never a bottom and this will go on forever.

Another scenario is There is nothing as lonely as feeling all alone in the room full of people.

Edited by DebAnn
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  1. anguish, brittle,alone,agitated, break downs, agony,anti social,crying broken crushed affrain painful beaten defensive guarded anxious abandoned consumed dejected rejected desolate
  2. despondent despaired distressed devastated demoralized distraught fragile excluded gloomy freaking anxious dismal distant exhausted dreadful exposed empty hollow vacant grouchy dreary
  3. disenchanted pain doom and gloom miserable helpless hopeless uneasy paranoid moody insecure irrational irritated ashamed oppressed overwhelmed needy upset unhappy manic withdrawn makes poor choices self conscious self disgust trapped tearful weepy touchy shattered no self esteem wounded rejected touchy moody reckless weak 
  4. nightmares 
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Existential angst - that's probably the best way I can describe it for myself.  Complete, utter hopelessness because all I can see around me is hopelessness.  Sort of like the multi level dreams in Inception but in reverse.  I feel like I have gotten past serious issues in my life and now have a deeper understanding of how those issues affect me only to discover that this enlightenment has allowed me to understand just how little hope there is in my life.  What's the point with all of this?  What's the point?  I so wish I could be happy just being.  Actually, that's not entirely true.  Forget the being happy.  I just wish I could be comfortable and not be at odds with everything around me.

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^^^ This ^^^

Great descriptions of how I feel.  Anhedonia - I learned a new word today.  Thank you.

i can remember very vividly the overwhelming joyous feeling of stepping into a hot shower on a cold morning.  Or crawling back into my warm bed on a cold early morning.  I used to live for feelings like that and would cherish them when they occurred.  But now, I step into the shower and am overcome by...nothing.  I feel the warmth, I mentally acknowledge that this should feel wonderful, but it does not bring any joy, pleasure, or satisfaction to me.

I used to get sad and disappointed about that and long to have those feelings back.  But now, I don't even care about that anymore.  It's almost as if I went blind so long ago that I have forgotten what it feels like to be sad about going blind.

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17 hours ago, Misanthrop said:

The true-est clue that one is clinically depressed is when the last resort of taking one's own life becomes the best action to take, all other possible options just seems worse.

Annnd that's it...

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