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cheshire_chick

BPD; meant to be alone?

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I've always felt alone in some way or another. Detached or completely different from those around me. And for the most part, I never perceived this observance as a negative thing. Memories as early as four years old, feeling like someone on the outside looking in - not in a left out, mistreated way, but in fundamentally socially different way. Almost as if I would observe people, learn and listen, and selectively engage if I felt it was needed. Being alone was the predisposition.

Do you think people with BPD are primarily better off alone? Or in most cases, are they generally alone in the first place? I don't mean alone as in a shut-in hermit, but alone as in being walled off from everybody; not having anyone that knows them well, not having anyone with which to place their trust. I remember frantically telling my boyfriend within the first year of dating that I am not the type of person that has someone connected to me, no one stays. And that I really should just be alone. After 8 years of being together, getting engaged, and living together - I'm back where I started, right at home in the state of alone. There have always been people around me; my parents, my partner (ex), my friends, my family. There have been no close bonds or meaningful mutual trust - other than that which I experienced with my fiance (and is now past-tense). I've sort of just always been like that, and I can't help but feel like I always will be like that.

I observe, and I listen - I contemplate and evaluate, and rarely truly engage. It's either the mask of social pleasantries, or the minimal interaction I must make for work or school or social function etc. I don't let people in to the "real me." I don't feel it's worth the risk or effort very often. And part of it feels just plain unnatural to me. There are nearly 8 billion people on this rock with us, and finding someone that fits into your puzzle of a mind is so severely unlikely that you will either have to settle for mediocre interactions and "relationships," or spend a ton of time (of which we are given very little at birth) to find those people that do really fit - and even they are uncertain and will likely fall away at some point or another as well.

It's been nearly four years (I would guess) since I've had a conversation with a person where I felt like it got at what I felt in my soul, where the depths of my mind were reached in reality - not just in thought. I crave this, but it is as rare as catching a falling star in your hands...

If everything and everyone is spiraling towards a central gravitational pull; like the rushing pool of lives that burst into existence all over the earth - is it not better to be outside looking in? Does any of it really matter at all, anyway?

vortex.jpg

Edited by cheshire_chick

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I think I've felt abandoned by pretty much anyone I've been involved with - friends, family, lovers. I didn't see it as abnormal until recently. I was just reading through some of my old journals - I've been keeping them since I was like 7. I've always been ill. I see it now. This is so f**ked up.

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3 hours ago, cheshire_chick said:

Do you think people with BPD are primarily better off alone?

Absolutely... I have found that my emotions are less turbulent when I am alone, the second I have a close friend my mind starts going berserk with paranoid thoughts and fears of abandonment. Anytime I got close to someone I ended up ruining the friendship after a few years and I am fairly confident that it would be no different with a romantic relationship. More likely than not I would become emotionally abusive, as much as I hate to admit it. I would never be able to fully trust someone and would inevitably make her pass all my -tests until she's fed up with me.

While I do think that a relationship with the right person would help me feel better about myself my needs are utterly unrealistic, no one in their right mind would/should put up with it. No one is entitled to love and abusers should generally NOT be allowed to date. I'd say that the majority of BPD sufferers fall into the abuser category, while the abuse is rarely intentional that doesn't mitigate the damage someone with BPD can cause to their partner. 

This doesn't mean that someone with BPD can never date, it's just a matter of getting to a point where one can manage their emotions to a degree of not being damaging to others. 

Edited by lonelyforeigner

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@lonelyforeigner Yah. My fiance didn't leave me because I was abusive or anything, maybe it's that I'm female idk. But I would never hurt him. There's a whole other bag of craziness that caused our split. We are still best friends and live together in one basement suite.

I think my dad has BPD. He was emotionally abusive. And though he is well intended, I still think it affects my mom deeply. But there's just nothing to be done...

I've always felt I should be alone. But one of my life goals is also to raise children, or support foster children.

What are your thoughts on someone with BPD being a guardian? What about if they are receiving effective treatment?

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Could be a gender thing, male BPD sufferers tend to be more outwardly (both verbally and physically) aggressive which is why many end up in prison rather than getting treatment. 

I don't see a problem with being a guardian as long as someone has proven to be stable for at least a couple of years and continues to receive treatment to ensure timely intervention in case of a relapse or difficult situation that could trigger the old symptoms. 

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I have the same feeling no matter how many people I talk to or how many relationships I try to start i always end up reverting to being alone and feeling disconnected from everyone, i had alot of trouble in therapy trying to explain to my group and therapists It didn't seem like they ever understood me, the only person I feel like got me was my psychotherapist when I ended my sessions with her I missed talking to her so much I was bawling it felt like my mother had died. The last time I felt that sort of connection and feeling of loss was when I was a child and my grandmother ended up in prision for wreckless driving after she was raped, she had nervous breakdown and disassociated I don't know if she was drunk or just out of it but she freaked out went on a police chase and drove into a house.

Most of the time i like an actor in a foreign film i don't understand the language but i read my lines and act anyway People are just there we talk and get to know each other then there gone I like them at first, then get tired of them neglect the relationship forget about them, and then I get angry, I start telling myself why would they forget about me, how could they turn on me,  I work myself up into a rage and start condemning people. So i have had no significant other, have no friends despite knowing many people and having deep conversations with many of them no one sticks to me. Accept for a few people I talk to online here i don't really have people i would call friends. I can relate to the mask you wear all to well.

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I came across this from googling some stuff about bpd and lonliness bc i'm sad right now and it's such a beautiful post. You're so beautiful. I'd love to know how you are doing in life now? I hope this reaches you.

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