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Deathly Ill and Don't Know How to Cope Anymore.


Lightworking

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Firstly before I explain my sick and exhausting situation, I would like to apologize if I'm placing this desperate-for-help post in the wrong category. Only did I create my account at the spur-of-the-moment, and to be truthful, I have no clue how this forum works or how it flows. So please, if you will bare with me and understand my stupidity, that would be deeply appreciated.

I apologize for everything, even if it's the accidental or intentional fault of someone else. Always do I find it my fault in some instance. I do whatever I can to make a person happy, even if it means it's me falling into a depressive hole in the process. I don't care. I don't care about my happiness, I care about making other people happy. I don't care about my happiness, but I'm sick of being mentally ill. I'm sick of crying myself to innumerable seas of tears before I fall asleep at dark night. I'm sick of feeling like someone is repeatedly stabbing me in the surface-to-the-pit of my stomach every time I have my endless series of anxiety attacks every day. The sad thing is I've dealt with them so long that no one, not even my parents, realizes it's even happening to me anymore. I'm sick of wondering if God has given up on me, because if I'm being entirely honest with you all, I don't feel like he loves me anymore and that kills me. I feel like I sinned terribly, yet I don't know what sin I unintentionally committed. That's more than likely why I'm struggling through something so horrid. I feel like this is something much more worse than depression and anxiety. I feel as if it's expanded and evolved into something more powerful and more evil than some simply, silly mental illness. I am sorry, I don't know how to explain it properly. I know mental illness isn't silly, please forgive me, but I truly feel like what I'm experiencing is something more terrifying. Maybe it's just one of the most distressingly bad cases of depression. I really don't know anymore. Personally, it feels demonic now after numerous years.

I want to go to college, but I'm not interested in anything and that's probably because I'm deathly mentally ill. I want to work in the public, because I desire to "challenge and tame" my crippling anxiety for I *REFUSE* to live off disability for the rest of my life. I *DESPISE* the thought of not working. I don't want to live off minimum wage forever, so this is why I'm so stuck on enrolling in college. BUT I JUST AM NOT INTERESTED IN ANYTHING. Well, that's a lie - I am *INSANELY* interested in going to college to be a psychiatrist, because mine has inspired me in such a beatifically wonderful way. But two reasons I couldn't become a psychiatrist: 1. I'm not intelligent enough at all; I'm fascinatingly full of stupidity and no one can tell me otherwise. And 2. I'd have to attend medical school which is in the city and there's nothing I loathe more than the city. So it just wouldn't work out. May anyone *PLEASE* give me advice on this?

P.S. I'll be seeing a homeopathic doctor soon, because my psychiatrist will be calling multiple doctors to see which'll be most suited for me. Does anyone have any experience in homeopathy? Meaning - has anyone been prescribed any alternative medicines of homeopathy? I have heard too many times that homeopathy cures some people with mental illnesses and some people it treats rather well.

I guess the most tremendous reasons I posted this was to see if anyone relates with me, if anyone has any advice on how I can find what I'm meant to do with my life and if anyone has any experience with taking homeopathic medicines? 

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hi and welcome to the forum!

it's great that you're seeing a psychiatrist but are you in therapy? psychiatrists can often be too reckless in prescribing medication which should be considered only after therapy (and in combination with therapy). also, please research homeopathy online from credible sources (like a government agency: https://nccih.nih.gov/health/homeopathy) because the scientific consensus is that homeopathy is a total scam.

take care

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11 minutes ago, virvellian said:

hi and welcome to the forum!

it's great that you're seeing a psychiatrist but are you in therapy? psychiatrists can often be too reckless in prescribing medication which should be considered only after therapy (and in combination with therapy). also, please research homeopathy online from credible sources (like a government agency: https://nccih.nih.gov/health/homeopathy) because the scientific consensus is that homeopathy is a total scam.

take care

Yes, I attend therapy every two weeks, but it's torture for me. There's no possible way I can count how many therapists I have had. Therapy doesn't work for me, but I "have to have it."

And I've heard about homeopathy being a scam and "not legit," but I'll try anything to take this agonizing pain away.

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Hi Lightworking and weclome to the Forums.

First let me beg your forgiveness for the shortness of my reply to your heart wrenching post which almost brought me to tears.  But I am suffering a bout of painful tendinitis in both hands which makes it impossible for me to type for long. 

I wish I could answer your questions or at least ease your pain.  Depression is one of the, if not the most painful illness than can strike a human being.  I think you are very heroic and I think you are extremely beloved to God!  I just want your to know how moved I was by your post.  My heart goes out to you.  I am sorry for the brevity of my reply.  Please know that you are in my deepest thoughts and prayers and I wish you every good thing ! ! !   - epictetus

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8 hours ago, virvellian said:

hi and welcome to the forum!

it's great that you're seeing a psychiatrist but are you in therapy? psychiatrists can often be too reckless in prescribing medication which should be considered only after therapy (and in combination with therapy). also, please research homeopathy online from credible sources (like a government agency: https://nccih.nih.gov/health/homeopathy) because the scientific consensus is that homeopathy is a total scam.

take care

The thing is, the U.S. government is not impartial.  The FDA makes a lot of money off of the pharmaceutical industry through the PDUFA, so they have a vested interest in downplaying or disputing the benefits of anything that competes with their source of revenue.

And the FDA didn't even bother testing GMO foods for long-term safety before they allowed them on the market, yet they claim GMO's are safe.  However, research from other countries indicates otherwise.  

So, I guess what I'm saying is that just because the government says something is safe/unsafe or effective/ineffective, that doesn't necessarily make it true.

Buyer beware...be diligent and do your research.

 

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Welcome @Lightworking you have come to the right place.  there are lots of wonderful people on here & this forum is an amazing resource.  We've all been through our own hardships in our own way.  So even though someone may not have been through your exact situation, they've probably been through something extremely similar.  That's what makes this such a great place. 

I'm sorry for what you are going through.  I really wish there were some magic words of wisdom I could offer.  Unfortunately I am not familiar with homeopathic therapies so there is not much advice I can offer you there.  On a separate note, personally I think it would be an amazing thing if you went into psychiatry.  God knows we need someone who can personally relate to the hell we go through.  It is going to mtake a lot of hard work but don't worry, you will get where you want to be in time.  Sadly we can't move the hands of the clock ourselves.  It may feel torturous at times...but that's why we are here, use us any time.  Please check in soon.

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15 hours ago, Lightworking said:

Yes, I attend therapy every two weeks, but it's torture for me. There's no possible way I can count how many therapists I have had. Therapy doesn't work for me, but I "have to have it."

And I've heard about homeopathy being a scam and "not legit," but I'll try anything to take this agonizing pain away.

have you tried antidepressants? i'm on 10mg lexapro and i'm doing better.

6 hours ago, LoneSquirrel said:

The thing is, the U.S. government is not impartial.  The FDA makes a lot of money off of the pharmaceutical industry through the PDUFA, so they have a vested interest in downplaying or disputing the benefits of anything that competes with their source of revenue.

And the FDA didn't even bother testing GMO foods for long-term safety before they allowed them on the market, yet they claim GMO's are safe.  However, research from other countries indicates otherwise.  

So, I guess what I'm saying is that just because the government says something is safe/unsafe or effective/ineffective, that doesn't necessarily make it true.

Buyer beware...be diligent and do your research.

 

i agree, one should always consider multiple independent sources and have a critical mind. we shouldn't blindly trust our governments. i was merely pointing out one source that should be at least more credible than some other google search results for homeopathy that appear on the first page.

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Big hugs to you <3 It sounds horrible, but please have faith that you will get better... no period lasts forever. Im also wondering if you have tried any medication? You sound so filled of anxiety when you write this, and maybe there is a medication that could work for you? To lower it, if even just for a bit...

Since you want to be a pshyciatrist, it doesnt sound like youre not interested in anything. How do you feel about becoming a nurse? You could work in the pshychiatric field, you get more contact with patients as a nurse vs psychiatrist, you can add additional education if you want to become a counsellor etc etc. Ive almost finished my education as a nurse, and its a very very rewarding work, where you get to meet so many different kinds of people and the opportunity and appreciation for trying to help them in which way you can.

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You sound a lot like me. Not wanting to be on disability for mental illness, not wanting to do minimum wage etc...

The good news is you're young, and I think if you are able to get help and your illness under control you will find that passion again,and be able to do it.

Don't go to college if you're unable to function. You will screw yourself over even more like I did. Get yourself stable, fix the issues, and then pursue your dream. Don't think you aren't smart enough. As someone who has worked with PhDs I will tell you these people are not always exceedingly intelligent,but they are all very hard working. That's what it takes- diligence and hard work. So don't cut yourself out because of a perceived IQ requirement, because that's not really how it is. 

The lack of motivation IS a key component of depression. Being depressed can make you feel like you can't do anyyhing and don't want to do anything.

If your dream is to go into psychiatry I would encourage it. Like I said before, it's not a matter of intelligence. There are more doctors, lawyers, scientists and engineers than there are highly intelligent people. Hard work goes a long, long way. But first you have to get your illness under control. I understand exactly how you feel tired of it, tired of dealing with crying all the time, struggling with this monster that follows you no matter where you go. 

I don't have the right advice on how to do that besides therapy, medication, meditation, possibly religion etc.. but I promise you you are not too dumb for to go into psychiatry.

Also- you are not limited to a medical school nearby. People travel for schools all the time, especially professional ones. And frankly, I think a doctor who can relate to our issues on a personal level would be astounding. Don't let location be a reason. 

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