Advertisement
  • Announcements

    • Lindsay

      Donate Now   11/12/2017

      Depression Forums has no real advertising help and no corporate sponsors. We depend on the support from our readers and especially our members. Your Donations would help DF to continue to stay on the internet and is greatly appreciated. Give the gift that keeps on giving. Donate Now  
Sign in to follow this  
TouchMyTXT

Just wanting to know what's wrong

5 posts in this topic

Posted · Report post  

Advertisement

Hi!

I'm just looking for someone to help me figure out what is wrong with me. Last year I tried a psychoterapist, but in the end I just anti-depressant treatment for a half year where I just didn't care about the fact I feel there is something wrong with me. Now I'm half year of those drugs and I just don't want to go back. I don't want to not care. I want to know that is wrong and perheps fix it (or just learn to live with it).
The main issue I have with everything is that I feel emotionless. I mean I know at what point I need to be happy or sad according to society. But I just do not feel that way. It's not about being happy or sad when I should feel like. I just never feel anything. I'm never happy, never sad, I do not feel under presure, no stress. Sometimes I think that an object might have more feelings than me. Not be a complete weirdo I try to hide it and show somekind of emotions at points when I should have them.
The same goes for love and hate. I am married and have a doughter. Yes, I'll do anything for them and I cannot imagine living without them. But on the same I can perfectly imagine my life without them. Before my parents died I couldn't imagine a life without them. But on the day my dad died I didn't feel anything. I felt just like it was another day. I knew that I will never see and talk to him. But nothing made me feel trully sad. The same when my mom died. As for hate. There is noone I hate. Well yes there are people I do not like to communicate with, but not that I cannot be in the same room with them or have a casual talk.
Also if somone shows feelings for me, let's say someone says that they like me or when something bad happens for me they feel sorry for me I think that they just say that because it is common to do that, but they do not mean that (since that's what I do).
Why I do not have any emotions? Well ok there are good sides to that - I don't have stress and I'm not sad. All I feel is just physical feelings. It's been like that all my life. I could write down my whole life, but I do not know if this is the place to do so. A certified psychiatrist listened to my story once and couldn't find the problem.
 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
You might also be interested in:

Posted · Report post  

i'm just spitballing idea's here and i might be wrong or misread you.
But being maried and having a kid does kinda show you have emotions? Though you say you can't imagine living without them. How does that go without a feeling?

Also, i wonder. Most people tend to have memories that are so vague that they only remember how it made them feel rather than remembering details. How do you remember memories?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited) · Report post  

That is one of weird things. Yes I am married. Yes I cannot image living withtout my family, but at the same time I perfectly can image a world without them. I care about them a lot, but at the same time I do not care about them at all.

I mentioned that before my parents died I couldn't imagine a life without them. But when they died I didn't care at all. My father died late in the evening, the next day was a working day. I just went to my job, went to the boss. Asked for a day off to complete all documents needed for the death. Not that I wanted a day off to grief. I just wanted to complete all the documents needed for the government and to arrange the funeral. 

I can't explain whay or how. But I just feel that way. On another plus side (additional to the no stress, no under pressure thing I mentioned) I do not feel afraid of anything. Including death.

Basically everyday I feel like a computer. I understand all the inputs, I know what the output should be. I do that. But every emotional reply I give to someone (no matter a kiss to my wife or a lough at someones joke) I feel like it is just because I have to do and not because I want to do.

As for the memories - I have a very good memory. Not for everyday of my life, but for example, I am 30 now. I can perfectly describe how my room looked like when I was 4 years old. Not just the color of the walls, but I can even name the books I had on my shelf in correct order as they were placed there. Additionally to my good memory comes a very good knowledge of virtually anything. I can perfectly name a song and it's artist if I just heard the song only once no matter how many years ago that was. I know physics, chemestry, geography, history, IT stuff. Some collegues call me the "walking-talking encyclopedia and GPS". Even now a international company offered me to join their IT department just due to my knowledge and the way my brain works with information, despite the fact that I lack the education and experianced needed for a job in that company.

Edited by TouchMyTXT

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted · Report post  

Well OK. I have no problem in putting on a mask each single day and pretend like I care as much as the society wants it to be, just to be normal. But at the end of the day I always feel terrible, because I've spent a day pretending to be someone I'm not. I want to be me, but I know that if I do so everyone will look at me like I'm a psycho.

Additionally I don't have so much time to be myself. I have almost no "me-time" to be alone and by myself. At least eight hours at work, followed by public transport ride home where my doughter and wife is waiting for me. Acting normal in front of my doughter dosn't sound like a good idea. But as for my wife - I don't want to hurt her (emotionally). I know that if I act like myself she will leave me and I do not want everyone to think I'm a bad husband.

And we are back at the point where I don't care about anything, yet I do care. ***?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted · Report post  

In a normal everyday scenario it's not a real option. We live in a 2 room apartment. One room is for our doughter. The other is for me and my wife. There is no place for any of us (well me and my wife). Go out and take a walk? That's not for me. I hate to be in public places, even if they are empty. Thus it seems that only "time for me" would be acceptable for me if I was at home alone (well or if I had a room for myself, but getting a room for myself is not an option. 

My wife knows that I want time for myself and understands that. She tries to arrange her daily schedule to give some me time, but that leaves me alone at home with my doughter and she's at the age where she wants to share everything she's doing. That means that she runs into our room every 15-20 minutes telling me something. I don't want to tell her to leave me alone when I want my me-time. Well I sometimes pretend to be sick, so she leaves me be, but being sick every day is not an option.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this