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Anon871

For those with abusive parents, how do you deal with them?

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My mother is an abuser. She has hurt me multiple times and has pushed me to suicide more times than I can count. She blames everyone for her problems, refuses to take responsibility, takes everything personally, etc. And that stems from her inability to love herself. She doesn't know how to love herself and consumes hatred due to her upbringing. She's afraid to see the little abused girl inside her that never felt loved, and didn't want to face the damaged person she became. It's too scary for her to see all the abuse she caused to me, my brother, father, family members, etc. And because she can't accept herself for what she's done, she continues to live in guilt. Her only savior is to re write history to make herself happy. It doesn't make the situation better, especially for the victims of her abusive ways. TBH, I don't see her as a bad person. She did a lot of ****ed up and she hurt me in so many ways, but I can't hate her. I deal with her by understanding her and keeping my distance. Knowing that everything that came out of her mouth is based on her seeing herself in me. And she hates herself. It's not my problem but hers. I don't know if I love her. I pity her so I have a pitying love and care for her. But create strict boundaries. So what do you guys do with your abusive parents? How do you guys deal with them?

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Sorry for the ordeal you are experiencing Jessica ! ! !  You have great insight into what is going on and have really thought things through.  Bravo for that !

I experience severe anxiety and panic attacks in the presence of my parents.  [My father passed away a few years ago].  Even a telephone call can trigger LSAs and sometimes rolling panic attacks.  So I am afraid to be around my mom and keep great distance.

  Last year was the first year I was able to spend some time with my mom during Christmas but it was at a restaurant and only with my friends around.

  Many people label me a "bad son."  I have to live that stigma.  I don't hate my mother.  I pray for her everyday.  The future is uncertain and I take it day by day.  When issues come up, if I am afraid, I say it: "I'm afraid"  If pressed I will say:  "I'm sorry but you're scaring me and I can't do that."

  No one in my life really understands fear of this kind.  Most everyone thinks fear is conquerable with will power and practice and that not to conquer it is a sign of poor moral character.

  I am certainly no saint.  I have learned to live with people's condemnations of me as "bad" or "crazy."  It seems like only people with extreme cases of panic disorder and severe anxiety are able to understand me.  I do what I can and try.    - epictetus

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On 1/17/2017 at 11:45 AM, Epictetus said:

Sorry for the ordeal you are experiencing Jessica ! ! !  You have great insight into what is going on and have really thought things through.  Bravo for that !

I experience severe anxiety and panic attacks in the presence of my parents.  [My father passed away a few years ago].  Even a telephone call can trigger LSAs and sometimes rolling panic attacks.  So I am afraid to be around my mom and keep great distance.

  Last year was the first year I was able to spend some time with my mom during Christmas but it was at a restaurant and only with my friends around.

  Many people label me a "bad son."  I have to live that stigma.  I don't hate my mother.  I pray for her everyday.  The future is uncertain and I take it day by day.  When issues come up, if I am afraid, I say it: "I'm afraid"  If pressed I will say:  "I'm sorry but you're scaring me and I can't do that."

  No one in my life really understands fear of this kind.  Most everyone thinks fear is conquerable with will power and practice and that not to conquer it is a sign of poor moral character.

  I am certainly no saint.  I have learned to live with people's condemnations of me as "bad" or "crazy."  It seems like only people with extreme cases of panic disorder and severe anxiety are able to understand me.  I do what I can and try.    - epictetus

Thank you for complimenting my deep insight and my ability to have delved into my moms and think things out about her and myself ^_^! I'm a great person ;). And the fact that you develop severe panic attacks show how much damage your parents dud to you. Our parents were so ****ed that they ****ed up the other people around them. Thankfully, were not ****ed. Because if we were we wouldn't be here standing, living, and breathing. Its a tricky subject but one that I feel that we can all relate to an understand. It pains me when my neighbors and other family members all say that my mom was wonderful, when they don't see the manipulation and deviousness that goes on inside. She has done so much wrong, even thought I can see and thank her for what she did right :). My mom did a lot well, simply by getting me piano lessons giving me hugs and kisses and I love you, giving me clothing, all the video games I could ask for, food, friends, family, my dad, my brother always cooing up beautiful foods and going out her way to make things looks beautiful for the seasonal occasinoans. She did all that she knew how, being the broken human she is. And that is fantastic. It makes me love her despite all that she has done to me. For even when I feel like I hate her for all that she's done, she's a flawed human just like me. I know I have never been perfect in my life. And thats brilliantly ok Just like my mom hasn't been perfect because that little baby girl inside her has been broken down and unloved so much. And I imagine hugging her young her self and reminded her that she is perfect and that the abuse she's been through isn't her fault. Deep down, I would like for me and my mom to have a relationship. However, she would have to take time to love herself build herself up and from there, we can move on together.  

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A sense of humor, sarcasm and detachment.I don't see my father as an adult I see him as a child, I know he is so stupid and ignorant that nothing he says has any value to me so I don't take it personally anymore. He has no credibility or respect from me so hearing him rant and rave is like watching a clown, I Joke he is my jester and comic relief everyday,last I was talking to him he said he is going to join the kkk and everyone should be killed thats a minority I told him to stop going thru a mid life crisis and acting out to get attention. Then everytime he goes into his racists rants I just start calling him blackly the uh oh oreo who is trying to deny his black, Hispanic transgender heritage. I shout nonsense until l he gives up trying to insult me or talk about his disgusting beliefs. That is basically how i deal with all the sociopathic narcissistic people I meet and it has been work well for me so far.My mother I listen to her and ignore her when she makes judgments of me or try to keep my distance if she is in a bad mood, thats how I deal with people who still have humanity left and my nonsociopathic family memebers.

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7 minutes ago, scienceguy said:

A sense of humor, sarcasm and detachment.I don't see my father as an adult I see him as a child, I know he is so stupid and ignorant that nothing he says has any value to me so I don't take it personally anymore. He has no credibility or respect from me so hearing him rant and rave is like watching a clown, I Joke he is my jester and comic relief everyday,last I was talking to him he said he is going to join the kkk and everyone should be killed thats a minority I told him to stop going thru a mid life crisis and acting out to get attention. Then everytime he goes into his racists rants I just start calling him blackly the uh oh oreo who is trying to deny his black, Hispanic transgender heritage. I shout nonsense until l he gives up trying to insult me or talk about his disgusting beliefs. That is basically how i deal with all the sociopathic narcissistic people I meet and it has been work well for me so far.My mother I listen to her and ignore her when she makes judgments of me or try to keep my distance if she is in a bad mood, thats how I deal with people who still have humanity left and my nonsociopathic family memebers.

You have a beautiful way of dealing with the both of your parents. I can relate to you deal with your mom, but your father is more of a tougher cookie. He sounds exhausting to be around 

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On 5/4/2017 at 2:07 AM, Teddy545 said:

I get attacked for making boundaries so I have to have physical boundaries(my own place). I feel better that I'm not going around trying to make my family feel bad or make their life difficult. I keep trying to figure out why a person would want to be abusive, I don't understand it at all, it doesn't make any sense to me. 

I spend my time thinking about it as well. When you've been abused, or have witness abuse, its a topic that will be on your mind. Its a natural thought. However, be sure to give other areas of your life thought and attention as well. If you think about this too much then you'll fall into a depression or will feel miserable, hateful, or angry. And you don't deserve to feel in those ways. People abuse for many reasons, all of which aren't an excuse for the behavior but a reason for why it occurred. It could be some parents were abused, never learning or struggling to learn how to differentiate abusive behavior from respectful behavior. The may have not known how to deal with the stressors in their lives and simply took it out on their children. They may have had a lot of hatred in their hearts towards themselves and other people or situations and made their children their punching bag. Whatever the reason may be, there is no excusing such behavior. You're a wonderful human being Teddy, and I know that you will be alright. We all will, as we are worthy of goodness and being together as a community. Take care honey ^_^

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On 5/4/2017 at 2:25 AM, CoolCat7 said:

There's a great book called _Children of the Self-Absorbed_ you might find helpful in dealing with her now.  I would also recommend therapy if you haven't had it already for the past abuse.

 

Best wishes and hugs

Thank you so much CoolCat7. I have been in therapy for nearly a year. It's been helping me immensely. Along with keeping great family and friends by my side, I have improved in may areas of my life. I'm beginning to see that who I was before is just as special and worthy as the person I am today and who I will be in my future. Thank you so much for commenting and reminding me of the importance of therapy. You are a good human being. Have yourself a wonderful and bless day hun ^_^.

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