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Long term emptiness


InsideABubble

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I don't know what to do with my life. I am nearly a quarter of a century old (25) and I am lost. My life is spent indoors 24/7. My only "outdoor" life is doctors and getting supermarket shopping. It has been like this since I left school. Except in the past when we had a "bit" more money in another town we lived, my mother would drive us to look at the mall. 
I have no job. I have never worked. I have chronic illness mentally and physically. I have to lie down a lot because I have chronic pain in my chest which can be aggravated by moving..it can be so severe it feels like a heart attack. I'm constantly on alert with new sensations. They won't help me with this at the doctors. They treat as there as poor people who are insane. As we are low income people. None of us work. 
I have tried counselling in the last but they betrayed me, made fun of me or were unhelpful. I've been to so many people since I was a little girl. 
I'm so heavily depressed. My only life is sleeping, eating and being unwell day after day. I'll be like this till I die. 
I can sit outside and read a book but I have absolutely no scenery. My house is surrounded by people all around and there is no pretty sight. It is all bushes and dirt. 
Our house is a cheap house we rent out, but I am grateful we have a home. It is so cold in winter and I got sick last winter due to it. Our house can be just like outside. Our house makes rattling noises in the wind down our fireplace (fireplace we can't afford and when we can get wood it only heats part of a room)
Outside my window is just dead. Back of someone's home. The area we live sucks. It has had dog attacks and violence. I feel unsafe. Not being racist, but we are probably some of the few "white people". Which does give me a scary feeling. Our house has had an attempted break-in I believe by evidence. It is scary. (Not saying was black people)
Mum and I want to move but that would cost thousands for boxes, truck..etc. 
I have now developed a new problem and it means more debt we are in at the doctors that we are unable to pay off. This new problem "could" cost me my life if untreated. 
We are just dumped here in this world and no one knows we are alive. We have no friends and no family. 

 

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Hi InsideABubble,

I hope with all my heart that Depression Forums brings you some comfort. I have been uplifted so many times by this kind community. I dare to say that we have all been belittled, dismissed and misunderstood. I think the fact that you can imagine a more beautiful place is an indication that you have a lot of inner strength. Is there any place in your community that you can reach out to? A book mobile or a church? I'm not religious, but I've received a lot of solace from people who are. 

Much love,

Catherine

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Assuming you consider it a bad thing that you have no friends, the good news is that that is something of an "easy" thing to fix, relative to the other problems of your life. You've already made one good step, which is coming to this site. There are plenty of people here, potentially including some that you could befriend. Even online friends count as friends. As far as counseling, you can always try someone else if the ones you already tried were unhelpful. Also, there is nothing inherently wrong with spending life "indoors." I spend much more time indoors than outdoors, and not just for work. Sometimes I just prefer to stay in my room than be out and about, and sometimes I stay indoors because I have no other choice. I lack money often, which restricts my ability to do anything worthwhile outside of the house. When I have to stay inside, I do stuff like cleaning my room, reading books, type/scan/office stuff I neglect, watch TV, etc. The point is being and staying productive.

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I try to read a bit but I have problems reading a lot. I can't focus and drift off a line or miss words or say the wrong word if speaking aloud (I read aloud the bible to my mother). I have problems speaking and communicating myself properly. I got mind blanks too and other mental problems. I have a mental age of below my years. 

I thought about counselling again but can't afford private. Only way is free, but I sent a nasty email to my last psych and others there. There is funded free counselling but I can't drive and my mother is not keen on taking me again

I am very much an invalid

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Have you tried audio books? I don't think my brother ever read a book in his life until he discovered audio books. Now he always has his ear buds in. He's a big fan of bibliotherapy. That's what they call reading self help books, eh.

That's fantastic that you read the Bible out loud to your mother. That sort of practice is guaranteed to make you better at reading out loud than 90% of the population. That's a real skill. I used to do what they call "radio reading service for the visually impaired" where I read the newspaper on the radio for people with problems seeing, so I know from experience how difficult it is to read out loud. I don't know if that have a service like that where you live, but it may be worth looking into. Hearing someone read the newspaper to you may help to make you feel more connected to the world.

Do you know if there is funded free counseling that you can do via video chat? When I moved, my counselor offered to continue therapy via Skype. She said Skype counseling is becoming very popular. I don't know of any funded free Skype counseling, but Ive heard of a service called 7cups.com that does it for a monthly fee of £13 or £8 depending on your subscription. I can't recommend it because I haven't tried it, but I like the idea.

(((hugs)))

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Stuff like that can really get me down. I remember once waiting 40 minutes for a taxi cab and being devastated by it. At the time, if seemed to reinforce this false notion I had that I had no control over my life and would always be prey to the manipulations of unscrupulous people. 7cups has lost a beautiful soul in search of happiness. That's what it comes down to. Their loss, Depression Forum's gain.I hope your week is off to a decent start!

(((hugs)))

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