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Should I put other people through this?


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In terms of friends and partners, I'm terrified of letting people in because of my depression and anxiety issues. I'm afraid that I'm such a mess I'm only going to wind up hurting them too. Has anyone else felt similarly/how have you handled it? Am I being too harsh on myself or should I hold back from relationships until I'm less of a mess?

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I suffer the reverse of this. I am afraid they will end up hurting me, that I'll get too attached, open up, they will find out I am "crazy" and get tired and leave. And the truth is-many people do. In fact most do. It makes it hard to trust people.

It is hard to handle to be honest. I would use the internet to sort of find friends before meeting in person, that way I could be completely open about my issues and gauge how they react,and if they run away. It's much harder, and awkward in person.

What is it that makes you fear you will hurt them? Do you become mean and lash out?

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It's equally possible .... inevitable .... to hurt people by keeping them out. The better the friend the more certain this is.

I get why you ask this, I really do. My best advice is let your instinct guide you with how far you should go and recognise this changes with time and from one friend to the next.

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17 hours ago, Chubbybunny89 said:

I suffer the reverse of this. I am afraid they will end up hurting me, that I'll get too attached, open up, they will find out I am "crazy" and get tired and leave. And the truth is-many people do. In fact most do. It makes it hard to trust people.

It is hard to handle to be honest. I would use the internet to sort of find friends before meeting in person, that way I could be completely open about my issues and gauge how they react,and if they run away. It's much harder, and awkward in person.

What is it that makes you fear you will hurt them? Do you become mean and lash out?

I feel like this like everyone will always let me down and can't live up to my expectations, I also feel weak if im to friendly towards people. Then im worried about my space being invaded or people telling me what to do or competing with them. It feels so normal for me to feel like the world is against me and I have to fight it to the death, My emotions come and go for people so fast, its hard for me to form relationships with anyone including family members one minute I care than I just don't give a **** and can move on. I have never had stable relationships with anyone in my life I feel like a dog that chases cars catches one then doesn't know what to do with it one minute I feel mad or upset that someone isn't talking to me then the next I want them to leave me alone and go away.

My friend would ignore my message on facebook and I would get furious and delete everyone including family members or i would make announcements like that I don't understand why everyone has stabbed me in the back to watch my corpse bleed out, I know from therapy its my borderline disorder or bipolar and anger from my childhood that im projecting on to people. i have no idea how I would cope with anykind of relationship in real life where im seeing people on a weekly basis i loss my composure so easy i have been on dates talked to coworkers classmates and have friends online but thats it. I don't say mean things to people but I complain when im upset or angry and i can't hide my horrible angry mood no matter how hard I try to smile and hide it. I can get offended by so many things like if someone compliments me I can take it as them seeing me as weak and that I must look pathetic to them to be the kind of person that needs to be complimented then i interpret  it as  insult and feel angry. It happens so fast im aware after going to thearpy for a few years and correct my thoughts when it happens but i too am fearful I will be labled as crazy and people will leave me.  I can understand where you and KCg123 are coming from.

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You are making three of the big mistakes that an Madra Dhubh (Gaelic for the Black Dog) tricks us

1. You are being far too harsh on yourself

2. You are letting this depression define your entire existence

3. You are forgetting that there is good times as well as bad

I am sure there are times that make you an excellent friend, be it your sense of humour or being there when it matters. I know when we are down it seems like as if it will never end, but it does. We do have good days, we can help others. Friends are there for each other, in good times and bad (when you find out who your real friends are).

Give yourself the benefit of the doubt and contact a few friends later - they'll thank you for it.

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kcg, this is the story of my life. I have tried to figure this issue out for a long time and felt burned either way on it for too long. I finally feel like I am at a good balance with it; a balance b/w getting what you need (and a few key wants) from interrelating, but equally with conviction keeping the "firewall" in place where it belongs.

First of all, I hear the immense amount of love you are expressing by thinking this way. I think (and used to think constantly, and probably will again at some point in the future) in those ways and could not have written it better. My favorite expression of it is in this song lyric by the band Azure Ray:  "I won't let your heart; ever go where mine's been. I won't let your heart; ever know where mine's gone."

While I've tried to see my way of coping in that way in an honorable light like that (I think rightly), I had to learn through pain and shame that expression is an absolute need, akin to biological functions. I don't want it to look "ugly" by restricting it with a label like that, but.... I have let that biological (meta-physical?) need go sooo deliberately neglected before that it can get to a bad level where it seems like.... I need to use the "express myself toilet" at times. So that is what I see as the unavoidable consequence of trying to go as long as possible without reaching out. I can play "tall silent dark mysterious loner badA" for a decent amount of time, but.... when I come 'back' from that I go straight to the other side of that.

However, I have been through so much trial and error in this that I also have seen, totally for sure, that I should keep certain dark parts of my inner life as secret as possible for others' good. That stuff still needs to be expressed, but with extra painstaking care. That is a serious catch-22 imo, because.... it's bound to need out like a caged honey badger yet be the most 'aversive' and 'repelling' things I can possibly say. It's this wild and dangerous energy that needs to be handled as gently as possible. It feels like trying to water your garden with a firehose without damaging anything or wasting water.

These things, along with certain astrological placements (Mercury Square Ascendant and Saturn in my place of "the other") have all given me a seriously bad complex about expressing dark feelings with others. I often have to be a supremely better judge than I'm capable of in figuring it out, but there's just no other way. If you're like me, that there's "no other way" likely doesn't compel... but.... that in conjunction with the inner "firehose" that is just impossible to keep kinked and plugged up did compel me at some point.  I hope this is not bad consolation, but in my life, this only has been starting to break because of extreme bouts of futility. The silver lining (and it's truly silver!) is that I did start to navigate to a higher place with my idea of communication, and actively took  the risks necessary to start "practicing" walking that fine line of connecting, but with care. I used to think "I only care about this and that, and no one wants to hear it, well they can't have me, then!" I'm sure I stil do, it's just not as constant.

But to wrap this long post up, here's what's helped me find a healthy 3rd option on this topic:

+Finding out that it's impossible to not talk about compelling urgent inner truths even if others outside of you are "too vanilla" or "too dumb" or too anything to hear it. It's got to go somewhere.

+Putting it out in safe bits and pieces at a time; this means doing the verbal equivalent of taking a leak when you really have to go, then stopping midstream and waiting for a while. Or waiting a minute then going again maybe in a different "word toilet". Lol I'm sorry for the awful metaphor but I can't think of a better one. "Spreading it out" is the gist of it. Then you can scratch that itch of "I'm protecting others from the full brunt of my inner darkness" while still safely letting it out.

+Forums and such. And trying to go easy on myself when it came out too much, and embarassed me or seemed to only highlight the problem and magnify it. Just "taking shots" in this way so that you can get used to it.

+Art. This is a great solution when it's flowing. I like to ride that wave when it's there (I'll think "I'm just chickening time trying not to be sad anyway; I might as well play ballads and draw or write to **** itme today than harm my health"). That goes for making it or consuming it, right?? Fantasy can really help.

+Learning about my Mercury sign in my Astrology chart has really illuminated why I communicate the way I do. This doesn't solve a thing as much as help me go easy on myself. Which is a good way to at least feel like the uphill grade goes down a few percent.

+The frequency 639 Hz is used to make cells communicate with other cells, so claims this "solfeggio" healling frequencies app I have been using. I have used it recently and found I am saying what needs to be said with loved ones more often.

+And face to face communication is truly a separate itch that needs to be scratched too, so I've been going to mental health center groups like Edward Norton at the beginning of Fight Club. Using them as a healthy way to escape. Sometimes saying like, 10 words at first. That's okay. Listening is as good as talking sometimes. There are many other forms of communication than talking; we likely used to be telepathic, for all I'm believing these days. Feeling like a linguistic issue 'ruins' intercommunication is a terrible shame for those of us who may be communicating in excellent ways, just ways that go above the heads of others.

Sorry for the length of this, but you really hit a nail on the head in my head with this one. It's been.... maybe one of the deepest thorns in my paw for the longest time.

Best of luck with this! I think you intuitively know that you must talk about this, in some way, and perhaps that's all that really needs to be recognized? That somewhere, behind your full awareness, you are doing what you need (interacting with us about not wanting to interact).

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if you continue to be forward then there isn't a reason to have anyone get hurt. if you can take the first step then you reached the 50 yard line.

 

just be positive. don't think about things going south... imagine things as good as they can be.. only happiness and excitement. you create your own reactions. just have to know how to call them out the right way.  everyone is afraid of this or that. we are all just people in the end. if your going to be in a relationship then be in one. find a girl, ask her out, date her, and enjoy life.

 

don't have any friends, go to a local rotary club. there are always nice people who are looking for new friends and relationships... you never know where you will find that special someone, or your next job opportunity.

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I know exactly how you feel kcg, I do the exact same thing and have my whole life.  I get partners and keep them just for a few months, just enough to keep up my facade, then let them go when the real me starts coming out.  Right now I am working on improving my closeness with my relationships between friends and family since those are with you forever unlike romantic relationships which can come and go even for healthy people.  I know that when I am honest with family and friends about my depression it is amazing how helpful and supportive they are.  I just need that same attitude for myself, instead of being depressed about being depressed, you know?  

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I've only been involved with two women in my life, and the first one was with me at a time when I didn't consider myself depressed. However, her breakup with me was the first reason why I ever went into a depressive episode. That episode, in a sense, never ended, even ten years later. The second woman I was with was even more depressive than I. She was diagnosed with it (I never have been), and prescribed pills. I guess what I am trying to say is that, for me, this was never really a problem. The second woman and I related to each other as a result of our respective depression, and I never thought of it as something that defined her existence. My humble opinion is that honesty is always the best policy, so don't hide it, but also don't rush this information at the person. This is kind of a "when I know you well" thing to say.

Edited by Luis
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I feel the same way. I'm completely alone and don't know anyone in the city I live now, not even acquaintances. I make no effort to meet people because I feel I have nothing to offer them and would only be that annoying toxic person in their life anyway. It's bad to isolate but I feel I wouldn't add anything to anyone else's life so it's the right thing to do. Plus if I ever found the courage to end it I wouldn't be hurting more people than necessary. 

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