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Do looks and body really matter to you?


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I kind of wish I could be anonymous right now because I feel like I am posting too much, but I am having kind of a mental freakout so anyway...

There is a guy that I really like and that I want to ask out, but I am terrified to do so because of how I look. I think I have a pretty face, I have been by multiple people that I do, but I have struggled with my weight for many years, partly due to depression/binge eating and partly because I have an endocrine disease that makes it very easy for me to put on weight and very hard to lose it. So anyway, I'm pretty self-conscious about my body because my thighs are pretty thick and I have cellulite and stretch marks and all that. 

And I am scared that if I ask this guy out that he will turn me down. But I am MORE scared that he won't, because at my age, relationships generally mean physical intimacy. Now, I haven't had sex yet and I'm not in a hurry to do so, but my biggest fear is that when the time comes, the guy that I am with will think my body is gross or weird or whatever. 

Do people actually ever think that? I feel like no guy who actually cares about me would be so judgmental and awful - and I know that if I loved someone it wouldn't matter what he looked like - but I just feel so paranoid. 

I hate feeling so crippled by my terrible body image. I have turned down dates before because I was so self-conscious and I have let opportunities pass me by and not asked people out because of the same. It's a terrible way to feel. 

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Looks do play a role but it depends on the person. Some people have a narrow set standards, then you have people with a wide range. But you said it no guy would be so judgmental and awful. When you do love someone you do over look and not notice flaws in someone. Be confident in who and what you are and you will find what your looking for.

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Nope, my ex was a curvy gal and I didn't give a fig whether she conformed to societal conventions on size, thigh ratio or any of that other made up ****  I feel in love with her character and personality first , once that happened in my eyes her body was the perfect physical temple for all that I loved about her and I was happy to worship at the temple, it had no flaws to my loving eyes and heart :smile: 

Yeah personality trumps looks any day, well to me anyway. 

Edited by hocico
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I recall a talk given by Naomi Wolf and she said that women's poor body image is not due to men but to the media. I know you didn't say this.  But what I'm getting at is that Wolf has shown that men are attracted to a wide variety of physical shapes, sizes and looks.  I've noticed this in real life. 

The other thing is many women have stretch marks and cellulite.  I have stretch marks, which resulted from an unhealthy and fast weight loss in my late teens.  Some guys here have said they have stretch marks due to either a growth spurt or weight loss, so I learned something! 

Honestly, I would not worry about it.  Personality is important, yours will shine through.  Others have mentioned humour, which I love in either gender.  I appreciate someone I can talk/vent to and won't run away, which has happened to me.  I know that sounds funny but what can I say.

Have you given this guy any signals that you're interested in him?  That might help you out. 

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I don't think I have given him any signals but I am notoriously not subtle, so it's possible he has an idea. 

I am honestly terrible at reading people. The last guy that I had feelings for hung out with me and talked to me ALL the time and I thought for sure he had feelings, but he didn't. So I am hesitant. 

But he asks me questions about myself and my family and he asked me when my birthday was, which seems like a good sign. And he has touched my arm more than once while we have been talking, which supposedly might mean something but I don't know. 

I am really scared to get hurt again. I know you have to take risks in life and such, but I have been rejected before for the way I look so it's intimidating. 

But he appears to enjoy being around me and I make him laugh, so that's good...

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I always end up finding people more attractive after I get to know them.

Also, some people can't pick up signals whether they are subtle or not so much. In my case, with my own issues, if I found someone attractive, I couldn't believe they would be attracted to me. I just figured they were being friendly.

Good luck!

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2 hours ago, SoCalAce said:

I always end up finding people more attractive after I get to know them.

Also, some people can't pick up signals whether they are subtle or not so much. In my case, with my own issues, if I found someone attractive, I couldn't believe they would be attracted to me. I just figured they were being friendly.

Good luck!

Yeah, I get that same feeling to where whenever I find a woman attractive, I always pretty much automatically assume they think they're above me.

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Looks and body matter to me to the extent that I like how certain girls look more than how certain others look. That's it. I suppose, if I had options, I would use my preferences to decide, but as it stands, I don't exactly have girls lining up to date me, so I wouldn't really decline any girl that was into me and wanted to date me. Even if they don't look like the girls I generally prefer, I know from experience it's possible to grow to become smitten with someone, even if one doesn't feel anything for them at first.

These days I am living by the life motto, "Live fearlessly." I am at a point in my life where the worst thing that can happen if someone I like rejects me is that they reject me. On the other hand, if they don't reject me, something magical could potentially happen. One will never know if they live in fear. In order to lessen the sting of rejection, there's nothing wrong with leaving hints first, or asking around, to see if others can get answers for you first, just in case. But still, even if you just went for it and asked, and were rejected, the sting of rejection goes away.

Finally, just keep in mind that even the most beautiful of the world, Hollywood actors and actresses (by virtue of media consensus, not any objective measurement), all insist they have flaws that they are self-conscious about. Everyone has thinks they don't like about their body. You are not alone in disliking thick thighs, cellulite, or anything else that you dislike about yourself. I recommend you just be brave, dress nice, do what makes you feel good, and own yourself. Confidence helps.  

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While I personally don't see any physically attractive qualities about myself, my logical mindset likes to focus on the external facts. Facts like, many women have said, implied or just shown physical attraction to me. Many being, 20 or more. I don't keep count of course. This leads me to the possible conclusion that while I don't find myself physically attractive, by many peoples standards, in fact, I am.

I say all of this to give you an understanding that I'm not a "bottom of the barrel" type of person. (And to encourage you to focus on the external facts, as opposed to internal feelings)

That said, I place virtually no weight in physical attractiveness in any way which has impacted my life. I do find some more physically attractive than others, a recent example, I am currently mystified by the physical attractiveness of the character Kara in "Supergirl". (And I'm usually not into blondes)

However, this physical attraction has not played a role in my decisions since I was 19. Instead, social and emotional attractiveness have been the only influences into decisions to make (or break) relationships with people, including those I'm intimate with. Maybe I'm abnormal. Maybe not. But that's who I am. I hope this helps.

Edited by whmdan
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