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Would you have an issue dating an older virgin?


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So...I'm 28. And I'm a virgin. I have never really been on a date, I've never kissed a guy and I have obviously never been intimate with anyone. 

My friends assure me that when I find the right guy, he won't care, but the older I get, I find it harder to believe that. Most guys my age are definitely not virgins, and many of them have slept with multiple women. I just don't understand why a man would pick me when he could have someone more experienced. I don't think I'm a prude or anything, I am interested in sex and trying new things, but I have literally zero idea what I am doing and I feel that guys my age or older will find that really strange. 

There are multiple reasons why I have waited so long. The first is that I have struggled with my weight and my body image for a very, very long time and so I have never had confidence, which I think men can really sense. I am very, very shy around men and I have turned down dates because I was too intimidated. 

The second reason is that I was sexually assaulted when I was 20.  It wasn't rape, but there were hands and unwanted touching involved, which made me feel really used and violated. I didn't tell a soul for six years, I just pretended like it never happened and I never dealt with how much it bothered me. 

Lastly is that I have always wanted to wait for someone I love. Initially, I wanted to wait until marriage, but as I get older I think that I would be okay being intimate with someone that I was in a serious relationship with, after a few months. For me, I think sex is something really intimate that you should share with someone you love, and I really want to share that with someone that I could see myself marrying and having children with. Ideally, I would like to only be intimate with the man who will become my husband, but unless I wait until marriage I can't predict that. 

However...I feel like at my age, this makes me seem really weird. I know very few people who have only been intimate with just one person. I know three other people my age and older who are virgins, but two are very religious and the other has a looooot of intimacy/commitment issues. 

There is a guy that I really like and that I want to ask out, but I am really intimidated. I don't know his sexual history, but I am guessing that he isn't a virgin. I am just worried that if I start dating him he will dump me if I'm not interested in being intimate right away or that he will think I am a weirdo freak. The older I get, the more this scares me. 

Would you date someone like me? Would it bother you to wait until at least a few months into the relationship to be intimate? Would it bother you to be with someone who is so inexperienced? Would you find it weird? Are there specific reasons why you wouldn't want to date a virgin?

This is something that really freaks me out, so I'm interested in the answers. Thanks in advance. 

 

Edited by walruscarpenter
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@walruscarpenter  I just wanted to say something about the sexual assault issue.  Indeed, sexual assault has come to be understood as encompassing more than what is considered rape.  What you described also happened to me, and I was just dwelling on this today, and it got me upset all over again, though it happened many years ago.  Actually, it happened to me twice.  At the time I didn't intellectualize it as sexual assault but I felt merely upset about these two incidents.  In my case, I've confided in a very few people, and no one who knows me well.  I could just see them blaming me or saying I hadn't protected myself well, which I know but that kind of thinking is of no help to me.

With regard to your actual question, I agree with your friends.  The right guy would not care.  He would also understand the reasons why, not that you should have to explain them.  Many women struggle with body images issues, even while in relationships.  Every guy is different but why not ask that guy out, the one you're interested in?  If he cares about you, he will actually be supportive of you and what you've been through.  You'll need to open up a little so he can begin to understand and appreciate you.

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@gs22 I'm so sorry that also happened to you. At the time I also never considered it to be sexual assault, but when I opened up to friends who have been assaulted, they assured me that unwanted touching of genitals/breasts is also assault. 

I think the guy I'm interested in cares about me, he is very kind and funny and we get along very well. But I got my heart broken earlier this year by someone else, so I'm hesitant to face possible rejection again. Once bitten, twice shy, all that. 

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In a sort of weird, possibly unrelatable way part of me almost admires your problem. I mean that with the utmost sincerity and please be absolutely assured this doesn't infer that what your feeling is somehow less of a problem.

I only say it because for the longest time my experience of sex was limited to those I didn't and could never love. Sexual adventure? Yes. Caring for anybody? No.

A big part of me thinks the order you're doing it in might be a whole lot better. A bigger part of me would hope you're harsh and unforgiving with any suitor than cannot treasure your choices so far as a vital part of you.

 

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I am a man.  I know if I liked you it wouldn't matter what your situation was.  A big problem we make in life is assuming the people around us are more experienced at things or better at things than we are.  How can we possibly know that unless we spent every second with them.  This thinking can make us afraid to try things and we miss out on life.  I think about my social anxiety issues.  My biggest problem was always thinking the other person was more comfortable in the situation or better at this thing we call life than me.  It was a complete waste of time thinking that way.  We just have to be us and enjoy life.

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You seem very real, intelligent and sensitive. I would think a man would find those qualities very appealing. I dated a thirty five year old virgin. I helped him out of that situation! Sex is powerful. I think it's smart to go slow. Truly, I don't think being inexperienced would be a turn off to most people.

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So...I'm 28. And I'm a virgin. Would you date someone like me?

Yes

Would it bother you to wait until at least a few months into the relationship to be intimate?

No, but I'd appreciate to know the reason why, so I don't start thinking it's something wrong with me. If you basically explained it to me like you explained it in this thread, you can take all the time in the world.

Would it bother you to be with someone who is so inexperienced?

No

Would you find it weird?

Not really. I can see how the years fly by and you wake up one day realising you haven't done half the things other people your age have done.

Are there specific reasons why you wouldn't want to date a virgin?

No

 

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19 minutes ago, walruscarpenter said:

Thanks for the replies everyone! 

The guy that I am interested in seems like a very sweet and understanding man and I feel like I am probably worrying about nothing, but it's still intimidating...

In which case I would imagine that he will be understanding enough to wait till you are ready :hugs:

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