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Yudah

I dont have friends

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You are not a loser. I didn't have friends as a child for a while before I was able to somehow get my anxiety and depression under control. Nowadays, I have tremendous hard to manage anxiety and I usually avoid situations when my friends ask me to go out. I can say that I've had a few good friends since I was a teenager who I still communicate with, but the older you get sometimes it's harder to get together. They both work and are married with young children, so it's hard to find time to get together.

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No, you're not a loser at all.  You're a human being dealing with a lot on your plate, living through tough life circumstances, who hasn't yet made friends... You will find countless similar stories and feelings here on this site.  That itself doesn't make your pain easier to bear per se - but it does let you know that you aren't the only one.

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You are not a loser.  It was very late in life when I had friends although I longed for friends for a very long time and it was very painful and incredibly lonely at times. 

You are a complex human being with a rich personality.  You have done millions of things in your life and to "sum you up" with a word like "loser" is enormously unfair and untrue.  You are almost infinitely more than any label you could apply to yourself.   I am sure that in your life so far, that you have done literally millions of brave and strong things, millions of intelligent and wise things, millions of beautiful and good things.  Millions! 

Not having friends at a certain period of life is unfortunate but it says nothing about you.  I am 62 years old and decades passed by when I didn't have a single friend.  That did not say anything about me, nor does your lack of friends say anything about you.  Sometimes we are just in unfortunate circumstances.

There is an element of luck involved in making friends.  This makes me think of a little story.  I live in a small city and at the store there are many kinds of vegetables.  There is a vegetable called a Jicama.  I had never seen it before.  Nor had many people where I lived.  Nobody bought it and the owner of the store told me he was going to quit putting it in his store because he couldn't sell the vegetable.  One day while eating out, I ate some Jicama in a salad and loved it.  And I started to buy it. 

The Jicama is a delicious vegetable.  The fact that no one tried it says nothing about the Jicama.  It only says something about people, that they did not give it a chance.  Sometimes it is like this with making friends too. 

I am sure you are a great person and hopefully you will make some friends.  Hopefully you will make many friends here on the Forums too.  Best to you. 

epictetus

Edited by Epictetus

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In America, we attach a lot of our self-worth to our popularity. The culture teaches us the number of 'friends' we have is a measure of how important or successful our lives are.

Quote

 

"It’s the unconscious drive we share for importance and significance, this unmentioned belief, socially beaten into us since birth that if we’re not the best at something, then we don’t matter.

Socializing becomes objectified and turned into a competition. And if you’re not winning, the implication is that you are not important and no one will like you. "

 

 

Is it a true statement? No, but it is a strong belief in our culture. And believing it turns it into reality.

So what to do? Either buy into it and join the rat race to be popular ... (Friendships have become so meaningless to being just people who get something out of you. We can label people as friends who we don't even like and just hang around with, or an acquaintance on fair terms.)

or ... fight the unhealthy belief one step at a time. First step starts with yourself. Push that negative message out of your thoughts and don't tell yourself that. It's other people sending you that message, but that doesn't mean they're right.

Recognize your good qualities and exemplify them. It takes some life experience to see yourself for who you are instead of through the eyes of other people.

Edited by 20YearsandCounting
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I'm struggling with this too. For some time, the friends I do have (I do have strong friends, a couple of them who I would never turn on, I can never deny it with them) have been so caught up in the rat race that it seemed like... well, I have them, but... can't really associate with them very much. Not at all like when I was a kid.

I keep trying to find something from others, though... not "from" them, but to be satiated 'by' them in some way. That's all I know about it so my efforts feel very blind. I post on several different forums, in some way trying to discover what need of mine was lacking all my life that set me to this ultra (ultra) isolated state? I am really feeling like.... no one wants anything from me. No one wants me. That if I taper down the things I really want to express (which amounts fully to spiritual truth and so-called 'conspiracies'), I can hold onto a tenuous and unsatisfying sort of attractiveness. But that's not good enough, that's actually nothing, compared to what invisible need I'm circumnavigating. What I want is to be able to express what I want and be attractive for it, but I have super low hope that such a group and/or place exists.

Any group I almost fit, I'm just a bit too "something" for it to actually gel with the others. I've always been this way, it is seriously like granite at this point. It makes me wonder if this is my dharma life path; in which case, I can take it but demand to know what lesson I'm learning by enduring this horrible social impotence? Or that there's something like a comb-filtering effect with my frequency and most other people's, where mine is close to attractive, but quickly becomes distasteful to others in some inpalpable, meta-physical way. It is really this bad to me that I seriously consider those explanations. It seems.... woven into my being. It makes me both want friends and pre-emptively wary of others. I am not even seeing this as a 'maladaptive belief' anymore; it's more like... just an accurate sense of a fixed element for me.

I can say, that I really do have friends; they are just not on a level of intimacy for me. But I do have them, whether they are acquaintances, or only internet friends, or a pet, whatever they are, they still are, you know? It may not be the full shebang, but I can't discount what I have; imagine if the friends I did have heard me say "I don't have friends" (which I've done often in my internal monologue lately)? I can't be doing that, not even just in my head. I want to stop it.

And at the very least, I have my body. My body is my friend. I identify so little with the physical reality of 'my' life anymore that I see my body as an almost separate thing. This is strangely helpful in that I can view my body as a friend who I can associate with as an external force or being, which is what I really am.

You can always claim that your body is your friend and you a friend to it. It's yours to claim, it's waiting for you.

Edited by LostLink

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