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GAJ123

Why do some people just never wind up with anyone?

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It seems it just happens naturally for most people but for me it's never happened before. As I've stated in the past on here I've had my chances to go on dates & have sex a few times but due to my own issues I never went through with any of it. I just don't see how I'm ever going to get rid of the issues I face as well as any woman I'm attracted to to be interested in me. It's like what's the point of even being alive if I know for almost certain that I'm always going to be alone or I'd have to settle for someone I don't even want to be with. I just don't know how much longer I can take all these problems I face. I promised myself that if I'm 40 & still single & never even had a girlfriend or let alone sex than I'm done. I just don't know what I'm going to do. I just don't seem to have the personality that women like. There's a guy I work with that I notice just knows how to keep a long conversation going with women that he has to help at work & he gets them talking for long periods of time & making them laugh. I just don't have that natural ability to do that. I think women just find my personality boring I guess. I just don't know. I can't change who I am & all of a sudden become some super outgoing guy that can keep a conversation going nonstop for an hour straight. It just sucks & I don't know what I'm going to do at this rate. 31 years old & never even been on a date or had a girlfriend or had sex. I'm just sick of this & the thing that annoys me the most is when people say it'll happen when you least expect it or some other nonsense. And the people that say that are always the ones that have a lot of experience in dating. It makes me sick to my damn stomach & it's leaving me feeling really bitter & angry at times especially when I have deep thoughts about this. It's just a very depressing feeling never being wanted by anyone. I guess I just wanted to rant for a bit but that's honestly how I feel & I'm just sick of it.

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I know what you mean and understand how you feel, I set an age of 50. Which I am past the halfway mark now, I see couples together and it actually makes me sad. The say it will happen when you least expect it, well I am not ever expecting to so where is this person? Did I all of a sudden become blind and are standing in front of me and I just can't see them?

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19 minutes ago, bfg best freind guaranteed said:

I know what you mean and understand how you feel, I set an age of 50. Which I am past the halfway mark now, I see couples together and it actually makes me sad. The say it will happen when you least expect it, well I am not ever expecting to so where is this person? Did I all of a sudden become blind and are standing in front of me and I just can't see them?

Yeah, I don't know man. It's annoying beyond belief when people say that when those people are always the ones that never find it difficult getting into relationships. It's just a sickening feeling & I'm tired of being in this position. It's the worst feeling seeing couples together. As I said women just find me boring or something. I guess I'm too quiet & it's a huge turn off to most women. Factor in all my other issues & it's pretty much game over. The only way at this point I'd be able to get into a relationship is with someone I'm not attracted to & having pretty much no standards. But what's the point of that? I mean what the hell am I supposed to do wait until I'm like 55 years old to have my first girlfriend & relationship? lol and as sad as it is it might even take longer than that which is extremely scary to think about. I also probably don't want to have kids which is a whole other thing. Women with kids or women who want kids eventually makes up like 95% of women. I just don't know what's going to happen.

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Same here, I've heard the it will happen when you least expect it or when you aren't actually looking lines a lot. I also put a time limit on myself, but I apparently set mine really low at 30. I have four months left. I barely made it through my birthday last year, it was so hard thinking about how everyone else goes out with their boyfriend or girlfriend, or even just friends but I go to my Mom's.

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I know im alone because im picky and have to many problems im focused on, I like to keep people at a distance, I learned to be to self focused use to not compromising with anybody, don't go out of my way to meet people because Im out of money since I quit my job to focus on school and now that I graduated I haven't found the right job yet.

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5 hours ago, clemons22 said:

Same here, I've heard the it will happen when you least expect it or when you aren't actually looking lines a lot.

Yeah, that line is pretty much bull... What they really mean is you have to put yourself out there and date without having expectations (being needy) but if you're not looking then obviously nothing will happen. The odds of just randomly talking to someone you meet at the grocery store or some other public place and then getting her number are pretty much nil unless you're super good looking. Maybe the whole "not trying" thing works for some women but it certainly won't work for guys since we're the ones who have to make the first step. 

I'm a 35-year old relationship virgin and have also pretty much given up hope. My deadline was 30 and after that I just stopped looking because the odds of someone wanting an unattractive guy with no personality, mental health issues and no prior relationship experience are diminishingly small. I suppose I could try to find an unattractive single mom who's equally desperate and is willing to date ANY guy just so she has someone to help her pay for her child is about the only option I have left. Not that there's anything wrong with single moms in general, but there are obviously a number of them who are financially destitute and will date just about any guy. Can't say that I want that though since it would have very little to do with love. 

Most days I'm OK and just accept my fate but the holiday season sure sucks and makes me just want to hibernate until January. Everywhere you go there's couples and you can't even turn on the TV or read a magazine without seeing lovey dovey ads. Sickening really. Maybe I should move to Saudi Arabia where at least I won't see any women or PDA, haha. 

Edited by lonelyforeigner

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3 hours ago, lonelyforeigner said:

Yeah, that line is pretty much bull... What they really mean is you have to put yourself out there and date without having expectations (being needy) but if you're not looking then obviously nothing will happen. The odds of just randomly talking to someone you meet at the grocery store or some other public place and then getting her number are pretty much nil unless you're super good looking. Maybe the whole "not trying" thing works for some women but it certainly won't work for guys since we're the ones who have to make the first step. 

I'm a 35-year old relationship virgin and have also pretty much given up hope. My deadline was 30 and after that I just stopped looking because the odds of someone wanting an unattractive guy with no personality, mental health issues and no prior relationship experience are diminishingly small. I suppose I could try to find an unattractive single mom who's equally desperate and is willing to date ANY guy just so she has someone to help her pay for her child is about the only option I have left. Not that there's anything wrong with single moms in general, but there are obviously a number of them who are financially destitute and will date just about any guy. Can't say that I want that though since it would have very little to do with love. 

Most days I'm OK and just accept my fate but the holiday season sure sucks and makes me just want to hibernate until January. Everywhere you go there's couples and you can't even turn on the TV or read a magazine without seeing lovey dovey ads. Sickening really. Maybe I should move to Saudi Arabia where at least I won't see any women or PDA, haha. 

Your post is spot on in so many ways. It's not like the movies where, like you said, two people meet at a store and just instantly fall in love. Also my brother fell into that single mom trap. Not the single mom part but the manipulative single mom looking for someone to pay her bills for her. Haven't heard from him in almost a year now. And man, yes, the holidays suck so bad during this time.

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When I leave this world loneliness will be the reason.  That pretty much sums it up for me.  I have no problem talking to people.  I could be with someone but like others have said it would have to be me settling.  Even for someone like me that falls in love very easily there still wouldn't be love there.  There would be someone there with me sure but I'd probably end up being even more bitter than I already am if that's possible.  I know I'm not a prize myself.  What I can realistically get is someone I picked up from a dive bar that has no place to stay.  It would have to be someone very desperate and who wants that?

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In high school I had female friends that would break up with there boy friend, I would be someone they could talk to make them feel better about themselves. What pi**es me off then and still does to think about it they would say your such a nice guy why can't I fins someone like you. I could not say anything because I am to timid and self-conscious. But damn it they knew I was not dating anyone I was not married they could have just as easily asked me out too. When I said I am past the halfway point I am 26 and I have given up looking and trying. I am not going to find someone which just makes it worse, I will never get better and I will never find someone so what's the point.

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Reading some of the comments on this thread has made me realise I am backwards of most of the posts on here, I had relationships when I was younger, dated and had sex, partly because after coming out my teenage shell I came to understand my own sense of humor and what made people laugh and having this ability made me confident, and as we all known confidence is what women want, I didn't take myself seriously, could laugh at myself and I was having fun.

Mind you even with that confidence I was still knocked back a few times by women who were looking for perfect ten men in the looks department, but it didn't really matter as I knew there were still plenty who wanted me. 

Now having developed a lot of issues after getting divorced and dating again I just don't feel confident around women any more, the little voice in my head tells me "they don't want to hear what you have to say" I could get a sugar baby looking for an older man to make her life comfortable but who wants to be with someone who loves you for your money. Hell I could go down the single mum route as well, I know a few who would welcome not having to struggle with the bills and who would welcome having a man who could provide a good male role model for their children but again I would know in my heart that they didn't love me.

I hate the adverts at this time of year as well with their mushy couple bulls***, hence why I watch dvd's or the crime channel, the only couples on there are busy ******* each other. 

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I could have had life like you did but there were many years of my life stolen from me.  By the time I could break free of evil people ruining my life I'm old and it's too late.  That's why I'm desperate to get my life back but honestly it's too late.  It's over.  I have no problem talking to people no matter who it is.  I'm not ugly.  It just comes down to the special circumstances I had to go through that I don't want to talk about that basically ruined my whole life.  I doubt there is enough time in the world to get my life back.

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1 hour ago, bfg best freind guaranteed said:

What pi**es me off then and still does to think about it they would say your such a nice guy why can't I fins someone like you. I could not say anything because I am to timid and self-conscious. 

In my experience they don't really mean it. Some women will say that to their male friends who they appreciate as friends but aren't physically attracted to. I've had a few friends like that and when I'd try to make a move they'd get upset and feel betrayed because I didn't respect the friendship boundary. Same with women that will say "I'm not ready for a relationship," that's just speak for "I'm just not interested in YOU." 

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Well, I think I'm gonna go a little bit against what you guys said, so don't hate me. '-'

The "when you least expect" advice is kinda true, but it's statistic, the more woman you know/talk to increase your chance to find someone. Don't take as a rule or something, but I'm gonna tell my personal experience. 

For quite sometime, close to 20years I guess, I could barely talk to any woman anytime I tried I just froze up, couldn't keep up a conversation long enough, mainly because I'm not a really interesting person and I still have problems with this. But two things helped me on this, first I stopped caring about finding someone, totally give up. Second, maybe more important, I started college, studding pharmacy, at least here girls outnumber us like 9 to 1, or more, so I got locked up in a class everyday with a lot of women which made me talk to then and loose my fear a little bit at least. Long story short, after 22 years I got my first girlfriend.

What I can say to you as someone who still have problems with talking to people in general is that you need to have balance, you can't go full crazy trying to force things to happen, but at the same time you can't stay at home looking at the ceiling. There are women out there who you will manage to talk, there are few, at least from what I experienced. You just need to go out there and keep a open mind.

I know that since I'm in a relationship I may sound like a hypocrite, but even this days I barely talk to anyone, my phone is basically dead all the time, even with my girlfriend I can't keep a good conversation most times. I don't know, maybe I just got lucky or the "when you least expect" works, really don't know. Just hope I could give you guys some hope. 

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I have dated two women in my life. The last relationship was the best but the shortest, and it can be argued that it caused a lot of my problems to surface. But ever since then it has been a downward spiral to nothing. I have tried dating websites 4 different ones those just made everything worse best advice I can give is be emotionally stable before doing that. They were not no name unpopular ones either, they were high traffic ones. I tried I really did, but when no one I mean NO ONE would ever message you back it makes you want to give up. I believe I had them all going at the same time for 5 months. It has gotten to the point now where I don't even like to look at my parents at the same time they have been married for 26 years, both of my grandparents are married for more the 50 and still going. I can't now even get anyone to look at me. Ooh I also love this comment then your standards are too high. If I lowered my standards anymore I won't have any to speak of.

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The bitterness in this topic is strong. And I know how that bitterness tastes all too well. Take it from me, it hurts more to have a break-up and then enter long term single status after, than life-long loneliness. I wont say "it will happen when you least expect it" or any of the usual things.. Instead I say you simply can't think too much about it. Yes having someone does make a world of difference, if it's the right one, but enjoy life above all else.

 

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25 minutes ago, Twilight Sky said:

The bitterness in this topic is strong. And I know how that bitterness tastes all too well. Take it from me, it hurts more to have a break-up and then enter long term single status after, than life-long loneliness. I wont say "it will happen when you least expect it" or any of the usual things.. Instead I say you simply can't think too much about it. Yes having someone does make a world of difference, if it's the right one, but enjoy life above all else.

 

That absolutely does not work. If you've never got to experience something that most people get to experience when they're like 19 than it screws with your mind so bad. I'm 10 years behind everyone else in terms of relationship experience. I'm so screwed up mentally & I think maybe a small part of it is never having a relationship before. Now I feel like it's never going to happen which is possibly the case. I mean being 31 years old & never even been on a date before is going to screw with someones mind. And the automatic assumption will be that there's something wrong with me even if a woman that took interested in me found out. And unfortunately in my case they're right. I just don't know what I'm going to do at this rate. I have too many health issues on top of these other issues it's like what the hell am I supposed to do now? I just can't go through my life knowing that I was never even wanted by anyone. It's just such a horrible feeling & it annoys the heck out of me as it is. I just couldn't imagine being in my 40s & still a virgin & never been on a date before.  

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I knew I was not alone in this topic, but I have to stop reading this because it makes me so sad seeing other people with the same issues as me. It makes the hurt I feel more powerful, to those who post and have read this thread your not alone. Different age groups, different races, different nationalities, but with all the same problem no one to give your heart to.

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Yes that's all I want.  One day the pain will be too much and I'll say that's enough I'm out of here I've had enough.  I've struggled long enough to try to be normal while others get to just roll of bed and say here I am.  The way I feel at this point my life can't end soon enough.  I hope I go to sleep tonight and not wake up again.

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What makes me so bitter is that women are never the initiators. If women just would have approached me at certain times while I was out or something & ask me out for once than I would maybe not be in this predicament. I swear I really think it's going to come to the point where women will unintentionally literally **** me. I know for a fact I'll be suicidal 24/7 if I never have been in a relationship after a certain age. I just have mountains of damn problems piled up on me & I have to worry about this as well. I mean how am I supposed to get out of this predicament? I've been trying so hard to not think about it at all but at the same time not thinking about it literally means nothing will happen. And if I do constantly think about it than all it does it leaving me feeling horrible about myself that I've never even had a date or g/f before. So which is the better option?

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13 hours ago, GAJ123 said:

That absolutely does not work. If you've never got to experience something that most people get to experience when they're like 19 than it screws with your mind so bad. I'm 10 years behind everyone else in terms of relationship experience. I'm so screwed up mentally & I think maybe a small part of it is never having a relationship before. Now I feel like it's never going to happen which is possibly the case. I mean being 31 years old & never even been on a date before is going to screw with someones mind. And the automatic assumption will be that there's something wrong with me even if a woman that took interested in me found out. And unfortunately in my case they're right. I just don't know what I'm going to do at this rate. I have too many health issues on top of these other issues it's like what the hell am I supposed to do now? I just can't go through my life knowing that I was never even wanted by anyone. It's just such a horrible feeling & it annoys the heck out of me as it is. I just couldn't imagine being in my 40s & still a virgin & never been on a date before.  

Well let's see. If I don't count the relationships that did not last longer than 6 months, I was single all my life til I was 27. I can say without a doubt it hurt A LOT more when that one ended and I didn't re-enter another relationship til I was well into my 30s. The first few years of being back to single was a nightmare. Comparing it to the years where I was wholly alone, I would have rather been still experiencing "those days" at that time. And yes, not thinking about it does work. It's not working for you because you have made having a relationship a requirement to feel valid among society. Even more so that you have added a specific age where it "must happen" or "all is lost".

The "40yr old virgin" is just a running gag thought of up from a bunch of college morons who bang every chick on campus and contract every STD known to man. It's peer pressure that doesn't need to be thrown around. Most mature people will tell you do not rush into it, especially women.

And it's not easy finding the right one either. So say you FINALLY get that relationship you wanted. Then you realize this person is annoying to be around, or you start having clashes. You're going to start having doubt and guess what else will follow? Feelings of disappointment and it will be enhanced by the feeling that you "waited so long for someone, only to not have it work out". I been there a few times(but again not counting earlier ones that did not last long).

So thinking too heavily on it and making it your sole goal to accomplish is certainly setting yourself up for failure. I would not be saying these things to you if I had not been through it myself. While I am in a relationship now, I am speaking to you as someone that has been where you are and remembers it all. I KNOW how it feels and I KNOW how it hurts, but I know how such longing can turn you into an even more undesirable person. You lose sight of yourself and other things that are important.

Edited by Twilight Sky

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1 hour ago, Twilight Sky said:

Most mature people will tell you do not rush into it, especially women.

I KNOW how it feels and I KNOW how it hurts, but I know how such longing can turn you into an even more undesirable person. You lose sight of yourself and other things that are important.

What people will tell you and what they think are two different things. Very few older guys would hold it against a woman if she hasn't been in a relationship, many would even be excited if she's still a virgin. The same thing doesn't work the other way around, having had a girlfriend is a seal of approval to most women. If you haven't had one then they'll assume you must be no good. Obviously not all of them think that way but the vast majority certainly seems to have that attitude. 

Agree with your second statement though, being desperate is not a sexy trait and it's counterproductive. 

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