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Alone and Afraid


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Hi,

Last week my girlfriend, who I love completely, invited me out to dinner.  We sat down.  She held my hand, caressed my arm, smiled at me in a loving way, and listened to me chat about work for 15 minutes.  It seemed like a typical night...  She then very calmly told me that she was thinking of ending our relationship.  She claims to still love me, and her reasons for wanting to break up are completely my fault.  Since then, she hasn't been very communicative....  She said she's felt like this for months, but she hid it from me.  She won't tell me why she'd rather break up then work out our problems.  She won't explain why what I did was so horrible that she feels she has to leave me.  She won't talk about her feelings.  When I ask her questions, she ignores them. She won't talk about it at all.  I haven't seen her since that night...she's made it clear that she doesn't want to see me.

Since then my life has been hell...  She is my entire world.  I don't have friends or family.  I have a job which I don't hate - but I'm not doing something I love.  I have few possessions at the moment.  I don't have a car.  I don't even have pets anymore.  She is everything to me.  The fear of losing her has caused me to have panic attacks every day, almost constantly.  I've barely slept because I'm having nightmares.  I'm having suicidal thoughts and feelings several times a day...  I would rather be dead then live without her.  I love her so much.  I don't understand why she would do this to me if she loves me too.  She's putting me through hell, and she acts like her feeling are so much more important.

And I'm afraid of being alone again....  I don't make friends easily.  And people my age (30's) usually don't have friends - they have family.  So it's not as if I'm going to find someone to help me get through this.  I'm estranged from my own family (father and siblings), and with good reason.  They hate me and I'm not fond of them either.  I have no one...

Would you like to know what I did to deserve all of this...?   I lied about my age. That's her reason for torturing me.  I'm older than she thought I was.  She's known for 5 months, has had these feelings (whatever the hell they are, since she won't explain) for 5 months.  

 

I just....  I know she's going to leave me, probably without bothering to explain herself.  I just want to die.

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Break ups are tough, I know of the place you're currently in.. yet my advice may seem a bit harsh, so be forewarned.

 No one should have to shoulder the burden of being someone's entire world.. it isn't fair to either party. You feel as if nothing matters, that somehow your worth has been found wanting. Brooding will not help in the slightest, trust me. I felt that if this one person didn't like me then I have no chance whatsoever.. which isn't true. The world is too large a place to be that lonely. I'm not discounting your troubles in the slightest.. I'm about the same age and also have difficulty finding new social groups. You have to keep trying, though. 

 For (probably a dumb) example, you have an empty pitcher. You are tasked with filling this pitcher with happiness.. which is a depleting resource and must be refreshed from time to time. The wise thing to do would be to fill it up from multiple sources, so their eventual draining will only take a minor cut out of the pitcher. I can't answer what these sources will be.. things that offer you some sort of fulfillment and accomplishment. Hiking, reading, writing, drawing, playing music or listening to it.. hobbies that bring you joy even when alone. If you filled up said pitcher with liquid from one single source and that drains out.. you're in a rough spot.

(This is probably dragging on far too long so..)

 Find happiness without other people. If she wants to go her own way, let her. Some things are beyond our control, no matter how hard we hope or strain. Keep moving forward, please. It sounds terribly cliche but.. someone out there, on this gigantic biosphere we call home, will understand you. Will cherish your company. Be it friend or something else, you won't find them stuck in a hole. Dig out of it and just.. keep.. looking.

 

 

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@Sarkon

Not harsh at all.  The first half of your post is true.  It isn't fair to either of us that she was my entire world.   I would say the same thing to anyone in my position... But you don't have the whole story either.   I moved here from the other side of the country to be with her.  I left the life I knew, the place I grew up, the people I knew...everything.   I'm doing my best to make social contacts, but as a very shy introvert with anxiety problems, it's extremely hard.

As for the second half of your post:  I have hobbies.  They're not a replacement for human relationships.  I sadly know this for a fact, as I've led a lonely life.  They're sure as hell not helping right now.  Thank you for the advice and input though.

 

3 hours ago, CoolCat7 said:

(((((((((hugs)))))))))  I've been where you are.  This initial panic/desperation feeling will fade.  I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it will.  I do agree that you should try and make other social contacts - just casual friends are fine. Don't make one person your whole life. Take an evening class in writing, art or photography - whatever you like.  Then form an ongoing group to do the activity once the class is complete.  Or go to a Meetup group.  Or a book club.  Get in touch with someone you've lost touch with.

I'm glad to hear that you have a job that's at least okay.  That's an important thing and a lot of people get their social contact through work.  Maybe some of those acquaintance-ships could become something deeper?

Sorry if my advice isn't helpful - I'm no professional, and you might want to talk to one (a counsellor) to figure out what went wrong with your last relationship.  It sounds like she wasn't honest with you about how she was feeling.  You might have lied about your age, but that's not as dishonest as she was being.  In my opinion.

Best wishes to you.  There's always someone here on DF to listen, if you need to talk.  Online friends help too!

I hope it does fade.   =(   It's becoming more and more evident that she doesn't love me anymore.  She's not sorry for breaking things off in the way she's doing it.  She doesn't care.  I never knew her to be cruel, until know.  

I agree that hiding her feelings for months was worse.  It's a truly awful thing to do.  When I brought it up, she ignored me.  I think her telling me what she believes went wrong might help - not just in the long term but right now.  She won't.  I know I lied to her. But...  Is cussing allowed here?

....Nevermind.  Thank you for the kind words.

I'm trying to figure out a way to live right now.  I'm not even up to "take it a day at a time".  I'm having trouble going from one minute to the next.  I never thought she would make me feel so worthless.  I never thought she would make me want to die.

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Locksley,  I just wanted to say that I understand your pain.  Found myself in the same situation this year... dumbed by someone I adored, and without consciously meaning to do so, I had made them the center of my life. It is good you have found the DF, as this can be an excellent source of solace and support. I wish you all the best. Lex

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I had the same issue a couple of yrs ago where my boyfriend was my life.  The friends I did have were quickly changing and so I cling  more closely to him.  When he broke up with me and told me that he didn't see a future with me (mind you I have helped him through a lot of tough spots) it  broke my heart....well more like ripped my heart out, squeeze, drop it, and then continuously stomped on.  That was like 3 or so years ago, but when it was fresh "one day at a time" was not happening.  I cried so much (and too be honest I still feel sad thinking about it to this day).  What I think helps me is that I repeat to myself that "I can't make someone love me or stay with me."  Yes, I'm now awkward when it comes to dating and tend to not date in fear of being rejected again but that's life.  Without risk No reward.

 

I hope that helps just a little.  (Not the best advice but with everyone's response you can see the light at the end of the tunnel)

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Darn man, that is just horrible. IMHO it is very insensitive of her to essentially say "It's all your fault, you caused this," then shut down, then throw you away like a piece of garbage. I think the much kinder, gentler, mature thing, is to say some variation of "it's not you, it's me," when you are ending a relationship that the other person doesn't want to end, and you know that person is going to be hurt. Try to be as gentle as you can on them with something you know is going to hurt them, not say "this is all your fault" AND then shut down and refuse to discuss it further. That sounds really rotten to me, and IMHO a person who would do that to you is not someone you would want in your life. How would you treat someone if you wanted to dump them and you knew they still wanted to be with you?

How hard is it for the dumper to make some kind of good faith effort to be kind (yet firm) in dumping? Does she know this is adding insult to injury? I had a similar situation and I just blamed myself for many months, thought that I had done something horribly wrong, that I was a horrible person, maybe I was a horrible abuser to make somebody get rid of me like this.

Yeah it's not great to lie about your age, and yes people do have the right to make a one-sided decision to end a relationship whenever they want, but I think that with that right comes the responsibility to be decent to the person you are dumping. Maybe she is trying to "punish" you for lying to her? Possibly she doesn't even know why she's doing what she's doing, and is too immature to see how much it's hurting you. 

You are right, it's impossible to find other things which can perfectly substitute for the unique joys of a close relationship. But the pitcher example given above is pretty good. It's important to distract yourself with hobbies, work, exercise, and not replay this over in your mind too much, or blame yourself. But it's also important to grieve what is indeed a very big loss for you. 

I would also recommend going No Contact. Or maybe directly telling her she could have been a little more tactful and considerate when dumping you, would she like it if somebody dumped her like that? (Maybe she was dumped like that in the past, and this is her "paying it back"?)

Yeah lying can destroy trust, and I'm sure you've already learned your lesson about not lying about your age in the future. Were there other lies? It's her right to not want to forgive your lie, but still I don't think it warrants the "punishment" you're getting.

Would she be willing to go to a relationship counselor with you? I hate to say it, but it doesn't sound like she's WILLING to do much of anything to meet you halfway here. Minimal/No Contact might be for the best here. Sorry she couldn't be more of an adult with you. 

How long were you together? I think you said 5 months? Is that the entire length of time you knew her? I don't mean to minimize your pain, but it's hard to fully know a person in 5 months. Maybe she was starting to show her "true colors", that is, someone who's not willing to make the effort to be committed to you and handle conflict maturely. 

There's no way to make this easier, just try not to blame yourself too much and get through 1 hour at a time! Feel free to post any updates. 

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I'm sorry I haven't signed in for a couple of weeks.    I came here to rant to people who might listen.  I needed someone to lean on. I didn't think anyone understood that, and it left me feeling a little disappointed...  To be fair, I didn't make it very clear in my original post, so it was my fault.  Thank you to the people who did understand that I just needed someone to listen and maybe a hug.

I've calmed down a little now, so maybe I'll be able to explain things a bit more clearly.   

 

On 12/6/2016 at 11:48 AM, lex333 said:

Locksley,  I just wanted to say that I understand your pain.  Found myself in the same situation this year... dumbed by someone I adored, and without consciously meaning to do so, I had made them the center of my life. It is good you have found the DF, as this can be an excellent source of solace and support. I wish you all the best. Lex

 

On 12/7/2016 at 11:33 AM, Awkward Girl said:

I had the same issue a couple of yrs ago where my boyfriend was my life.  The friends I did have were quickly changing and so I cling  more closely to him.  When he broke up with me and told me that he didn't see a future with me (mind you I have helped him through a lot of tough spots) it  broke my heart....well more like ripped my heart out, squeeze, drop it, and then continuously stomped on.  That was like 3 or so years ago, but when it was fresh "one day at a time" was not happening.  I cried so much (and too be honest I still feel sad thinking about it to this day).  What I think helps me is that I repeat to myself that "I can't make someone love me or stay with me."  Yes, I'm now awkward when it comes to dating and tend to not date in fear of being rejected again but that's life.  Without risk No reward.

 

I hope that helps just a little.  (Not the best advice but with everyone's response you can see the light at the end of the tunnel)

 

Thank you both for the kind words.  I'm sorry you had to go through it too...

 

On 12/12/2016 at 11:10 AM, blackrider said:

 How would you treat someone if you wanted to dump them and you knew they still wanted to be with you?

 

 

I actually have broken up with someone who still wanted to be with me.  I did my best to explain my feelings and my reasons.  I wasn't dishonest.  I think I did alright...

 

On 12/12/2016 at 11:10 AM, blackrider said:

I had a similar situation and I just blamed myself for many months, thought that I had done something horribly wrong, that I was a horrible person, maybe I was a horrible abuser to make somebody get rid of me like this.

 

That's *exactly*  how I feel!  I mean,  I'm completely alone in the world now.  The one person who loved me doesn't want to be with me.  I must be pretty awful. 

 

On 12/12/2016 at 11:10 AM, blackrider said:

 Maybe she is trying to "punish" you for lying to her? Possibly she doesn't even know why she's doing what she's doing, and is too immature to see how much it's hurting you. 

 

No, she's not immature or spiteful.   I would never date someone like that, much less love them. She's not *trying* to punish me for anything, or get back at me.  Her reasons for not discussing it with me oddly have very little to do with me. She can't.  She's still processing her thoughts and feelings, and its taking such a heavy toll on her that its exhausting. She physically and emotionally can't talk about it.  It could take months before she's able to tell me anything.  

And before anyone asks: Yes, I do believe her when she tells me that she's not able to talk about it.  I've seen this behavior from her before, and although it's hard to explain, I know for a fact that it has nothing to do with wanting to hurt me.

It still hurts though.  It hurts like hell.

 

On 12/12/2016 at 11:10 AM, blackrider said:

Would she be willing to go to a relationship counselor with you? I hate to say it, but it doesn't sound like she's WILLING to do much of anything to meet you halfway here

 

Maybe...I hadn't thought of that.   =(   If she can't talk to me, then she probably won't be able to talk to a counselor either.  But maybe...  I'm not sure how I'd pay for it though.  I don't think insurance would cover non-married couple counseling.   Does anyone have ideas about that   (assuming she'd do it anyway)?

 

On 12/12/2016 at 11:10 AM, blackrider said:

How long were you together? I think you said 5 months? 

We were together for 4 years in a long distance relationship.  I moved to her home-town to be closer to her.  I've lived 2 miles away from her for 6 months now. I know her better than anyone else alive, including her family.  It doesn't make things easier.

 

Edited by Locksley
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Just as a update:

Christmas is getting closer, and our anniversary is on Christmas Eve. The prospect of spending those two days completely alone is weighing heavily on me.  I can't volunteer anywhere right now (I have reasons), and it wouldn't make me feel better anyway.  (I don't care if that sounds heartless - there isn't a shortage of volunteers during the holidays, especially in this state. And a large portion of every single paycheck I get goes straight to a shelter, whether it's a holiday or not.)   Nothing will be open in my area, so I can't go anywhere.  I don't have family or friends to spend time with or call.  I'll probably just sleep for 48 hours if I can, but it doesn't matter.  The feelings of loneliness and sadness from the holiday season will still be with me for quite awhile after the New Year.  

People in my group at work have been nice to me lately.  I only told one of them that I'm going through a break-up, but they're all a bunch of gossips, so I'm sure they all know.  I'm glad to have work-friends, it's made things better.  Maybe one or two will become actual friends someday, but it's not going to happen right now when everyone is busy with their family and loved ones.

It's my night off, but I haven't done anything except be depressed and stare at a wall. This, despite the fact that I have quite a few video games I want to play and Netflix shows I want to watch.  I just can't bring myself to do anything.   =(    I'm going to Walmart in the late-morning though.  I want it to warm up outside to at least 20 degrees, lol.  It'll be nice to be around all of the holiday shoppers, but I fear that it'll make me feel more lonely, not less.  Still, I need to get out.

I don't have much else to say wright now...  Thank you again to everyone who responded to and/or read my depressing rants.

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On ‎12‎/‎5‎/‎2016 at 10:57 PM, Sarkon said:

No one should have to shoulder the burden of being someone's entire world.. it isn't fair to either party.

 

 

Isn't this the premise of relationships? At least the ones that have been going on for a while? If I'm in a relationship for months or years, and it hasn't progressed to the point where we are each other's "world," or getting there, what's the point of the relationship? I always thought it was two people sharing everything, creating new memories, loving each other like they love no one else, etc. In other words, being each other's "world." I also always thought the problem occurred when the two people weren't equally invested in the relationship. But being involved with someone inherently entails exposing one's self to them and making one's self vulnerable. The trick is determining whether the person they are making themselves vulnerable to is worth the risk of heartbreak.

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23 hours ago, Luis said:

Isn't this the premise of relationships? At least the ones that have been going on for a while? If I'm in a relationship for months or years, and it hasn't progressed to the point where we are each other's "world," or getting there, what's the point of the relationship? I always thought it was two people sharing everything, creating new memories, loving each other like they love no one else, etc. In other words, being each other's "world." I also always thought the problem occurred when the two people weren't equally invested in the relationship. But being involved with someone inherently entails exposing one's self to them and making one's self vulnerable. The trick is determining whether the person they are making themselves vulnerable to is worth the risk of heartbreak.

 

A relationship can be everything you said and more.  It's a deep bond - physical, spiritual, emotional - that you only share with your partner. In a very real sense (at least for me), your entire world.

However, most people have a support system - family and friends.  If they lose their partner (because of any number of reasons), they have their support system to help them get through it.  But if your entire life revolves around your partner, you're pretty much screwed if you lose them.  Your whole "world" will basically come falling down around you.

  I've never been good at making friends, and there's not much I can do about not having family.  So I'm stuck looking for solace online at 5AM, with people telling me to get hobbies because it'll make me feel better (for the love of God, please, no one else tell me that).  I could really use a hug.   =(    Hearing a human voice tell me that "everything will be okay" would go a long way to helping me get through this. Just knowing that I'm not completely alone in the world right now and possibly forever would give me a little hope.  If I had family or friends, maybe I'd have that.  My entire life is falling apart around me, and I have no one.  Nothing. No reason to go on at all...

In fact, every time I've been anywhere near close to happiness in my life, it has been friggin' ripped away.  And after a lifetime of...this...atrocity of a existence, going through constant disappointments and tragedies all alone...I can't take it anymore.  My heart is ripped into shreds, my mind is crippled with pain and regret, and my soul just wants to die.

I want to die so very much.

So in short, there's nothing wrong with making someone else your "world", but a life is a universe.  Your best friend can be your moon, your siblings your stars, your boss your black hole...etc.

 In case anyone reading is tempted, I don't care (or believe) if others can "handle anything alone!1!  or whatever, so please don't. Thanks.

I hope that helps.  Perhaps you could make a separate thread if you'd like to discuss it more? Thanks for the post.

Edited by Locksley
Because I wanted to
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