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Former abusive step mother back in life after 30 years


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I don't know how to cope? My Dad (mid 70's) is "dating" her again.

I despise this woman for the physical, emotional and severe psychological trauma she has inflicted on both my brother and I.

Years spent in therapy, and for what?

My father knows about everything that happened. He is telling my brother and I to 'bury the hatchet'. How can I? I still haven't healed from the initial trauma.

Worse still, he's planning on moving in with her. He's insisting everybody like, respect and welcome her back into the fold. There's to be no mention of the abuse, or basically, he'll disown us - for daring to disrespect her?

He's in ill health. How do I cope with hospital situations in which she'll be there? Or worse still, the inevitable funeral she will now have complete control over?

I'm shaking, I am so livid.

I want zero contact with her, but it means losing my father!

Help!

 

 

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Firstly can I say I'm sorry for what you and your brother suffered at this woman's hands and I'm equally sorry that your traumas are being asked to be swept under the carpet! 

Could you possibly give a bit more background information to help us best advise you - are they still married? How long ago did they separate? Has there been any contact since did she ever confess to her abuse? How did you dad and her get back in contact? Although your dad knows about the abuse is he aware of exactly what you both suffered and how it has affected you and if you both sat him down and discussed it with him do you think he would see reason? 

This woman is your abuser bottom line do not be around her if it will trigger you or cause you any issues you are the victims! 

If they're not married then you maybe able to block her access to hospital room? You've been put in an extremely difficult situation but please don't take this the wrong way but it's not fair of your dad to do this to both you and your brother and I really think you should talk to him about what this is doing to you

 

:0) xx 

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>> Could you possibly give a bit more background information to help us best advise you - are they still married? How long ago did they separate? Has there been any contact since did she ever confess to her abuse? How did you dad and her get back in contact? Although your dad knows about the abuse is he aware of exactly what you both suffered and how it has affected you and if you both sat him down and discussed it with him do you think he would see reason? <<

No, they were never married, but common law for about seven years. I was twelve years old when the relationship ended. They've been apart nearly thirty years. In the interim, my Dad remarried and had another child (my half sister).

They re-connected on Facebook a while ago. That's all I really know at this point.

I've only had the briefest of meetings with her, once where she was working - and that was accidental and very awkward.

No, to my knowledge she has never outright confessed to doing anything wrong. There were investigations, however, by the Children's' Aid Society. This was in the 1970's, mind you....Things have come a long way since then.

My father not only knows about the abuse from my brother and I, but also from his own siblings (who were witness to certain events), extended family, and family friends. We've had many talks about this. At one point, he even admitted she "should probably be in jail."

I'm not sure if he can be reasonable at this point. He's in his mid-seventies and it is possible that senility (or worse) is beginning to set in.

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Oh I can't imagine how hard this is for you bless you both and with your father being in ill health you're truly stuck between a rock and a hard place! 

I wish I could give you a fantastic piece of advice that would fix this for you what I would say and I hope you don't take this offensively to your dad but you were a child you did nothing wrong you are strong and you have overcome and triumphed where this evil woman tried to tear you down and your father is weak and has let you down I'm so sorry.

I would say follow your heart and do what is best for you and what will leave you with fewest regrets don't cut your father out but at the same time make him understand that he can't expect you to be in the same room as her. 

I wish you well and hope you will update how it goes and that you are ok! You've overcome the odds abusers sometimes do it for the power but you are strong and powerful and she can never hurt you again remember that always xxxxx 

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>> I wish I could give you a fantastic piece of advice that would fix this for you what I would say and I hope you don't take this offensively to your dad but you were a child you did nothing wrong you are strong and you have overcome and triumphed where this evil woman tried to tear you down and your father is weak and has let you down I'm so sorry <<

 

Thanks again.

Today, my father "sprung" this woman on my brother. I'm beginning to think I may need to obtain a no contact order to keep her away. And I'm beginning to feel that the way my father is violating obvious boundaries also constitutes abuse.

But how would law enforcement view this? She has not done anything to me - yet. What happened took place decades ago. How would others view me - not knowing the full story?

I'm terrified my father will arrive at my door or at my job and cause a dreadful scene because I'm not falling in line on this issue.

I've already spoken to my employer over this matter.

I'm a bit more insulated from my father than my brother is. I have a controlled entry to my building. Because we've been somewhat estranged for a few years now, my dad does not know my current phone number or email address.

You've been wonderfully kind and warm in your replies. Rare to see in the world these days!

:hugs:

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Thank you very much ??

I think you should definitely get a no contact order and it doesn't matter when it happened you should never have to see your abuser again and the law should back that up.

Yes your father isn't doing what it best for his children so you have to do it for yourself it's best to Stay away I hope your brother is ok following seeing her! 

Its an awful situation you're in but you seem to be handling it brilliantly! Xxx 

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Hello sunnierdays2, I am so sorry for the dilemma that you are forced to deal with. When it comes to abuse like you and your brother endured or any abuse, it just is not that simple to "Bury the hatchet" as you say. Your father is being very unfair about the whole thing. I was severely abused  when I was 9 through 11 and I would not know how to deal with my abuser coming back into my life. All of you, including your father should be willing to have a discussion about the abuse and her coming back into your lives, You and your brother will be in my thoughts...

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>> I was just thinking of your situation, and one positive way to look at it might be: She could have been in your life causing pain and despair all these years, but she was gone.  So it's better now than it could have been, anyway.

Good luck dealing with her. <<

Thanks for the replies! The support on this thread has been awesome.

I'm pretty sure that what I've experienced at the hands of this woman has made me a stronger person overall than I might have been otherwise.

She may live to regret this decision. None of us are the same people she remembers...

I don't mean that in a menacing way. I mean to say I've developed a very low tolerance for BS, drama and toxic people in my adult life. Much different than the shy, reserved youngster she bullied and abused decades ago.

My father too, has changed in many, many ways as well.

And of course, you're right. Having her out of our lives for so long up to now is what has allowed us to develop into the people we are now.

Thanks again.

 

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>> When it comes to abuse like you and your brother endured or any abuse, it just is not that simple to "Bury the hatchet" as you say. <<

I really, really do not like the way I'm feeling and reacting over this woman. It's bringing out a very nasty side of me. I'd prefer to be able to take the high road on this - to not let it trouble me at all. I'm finding that impossible to do at the moment.

>> I was severely abused  when I was 9 through 11 and I would not know how to deal with my abuser coming back into my life. <<

I'm so very sorry to hear that. NO child should have to endure it. It robs children of their stability and self-esteem. And TRUST.

The good news is that thus far I've been able to thwart having the woman imposed on me. My unfortunate brother has (apparently) relayed the message to them that I want no contact, and that I will defend my boundaries.

Thanks for the reply.

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The bury the hatchet comment would be similar to someone who once told me to forget about the past.  This was regarding the abuse inflicted on me by my father.  I felt so frustrated hearing that.  Terrible advice (which I did not ask for), to put it mildly.  I needed to understand the effect he'd had on me, at the time of various incidents of abuse and as an adult.  I still deal with him and am very resentful about it, especially some of the caretaking.  I feel that your father is being an enabler and that his expectations are totally unfair. 

Edited by gs22
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>> I'm becoming increasingly angry, for the both of us, sunnierdays2. <<

I'm sorry to hear that you too were also a victim.

I know that in my case, had this woman remained in my life once I entered my teenage years, she would have been at risk of reciprocal violence (from me). I was already starting to fight back at the age of twelve. She never knew how to react in those situations. Bullies often don't.

Society has changed so much regarding attitudes towards child abuse. This woman would be in jail if the same thing were happening now.

I guess I feel some satisfaction in a sense, because having the label of "abuser" in todays world is like a big black stain on one's reputation. She has to cope with that - even now.

And I know it really bothers her.

 

Edited by sunnierdays2
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>> I needed to understand the effect he'd had on me, at the time of various incidents of abuse and as an adult. <<

Yes, absolutely! You (and I) want validation that what we experienced and suffered through was horrible - and shouldn't have happened.

And it seems (in both cases) we aren't getting that necessary validation.

:hugs:

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Well, I did "out" my dad in a blog entry and I received supportive comments, so that certainly helped me.  Also, I do journal and self-validate, and this has been useful to me, too.  I think any regular contributing member here is aware that my dad is a childhood abuser and that I'm a childhood abuse survivor.  While it's painful to say that, I'm also giving myself some type of recognition for what I've been through and it's oddly a source of strength for me.  Maybe a better way of putting it is that the members here are a source of strength for me.

Believe me when I tell you, we're not exactly alone in having been abused.  I will never deny this when someone confides that in me, whether here or anywhere. 

Thank you for the hug!

 

 

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6 hours ago, CoolCat7 said:

I too am a survivor of abuse. My mother abused me mentally, verbally and emotionally from at least 5 to 19 years of age (when I moved out). I think the fact that it was my own mother made things especially bad.  She is still in my life and treats me better because otherwise she wouldn't be. So I know what it's like to deal with your own abuser. Definitely it's Much easier as an adult

My mother has also abused me mentally, verbally, emotionally as well as physically when she had the chance. I'm still in contact with her too, but I had to block her phone number to avoid getting yelled at/slandered/manipulated on the phone. When I visit her once a month, it actually goes well, for the most part, which surprised me to a degree. Increasing contanct or developing a mutually functional relationship is not an option, though. I had no choice. She seems to be relieved for not having to contact me anymore. The only reason why I even bother with her is because she wants to give me material possessions all the time and every other family member I have either ignores me and/or tells me to go see my mom if I'm alone. My name isn't Unwanted for nothing.

 

On 11/27/2016 at 11:12 PM, sunnierdays2 said:
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Help!

 

 

Be careful for yourself.

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