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I hope I'm doing this post right...um, where should I start? I've struggled with mental illness pretty much forever. It was only in high school that I started really going to therapy and really ever since then things have gotten worse. Currently in my second year of college and I already feel completely passionless...this sucks so much more because I'm studying art. I feel alienated from my friends and disillusioned with them after a lot of group drama went on. Two people very close to me made an attempt on their lives this year. In September I guess I snapped and tried to follow suit, but obviously I survived. Ever since then I've been trying to get to a stable place. I feel constantly inadequate, overly sensitive and I'm not as bright as I used to be because I'm in a rut and too depressed to care. My boyfriend isn't any better off than I am emotionally, and we're both trying really hard not to let our issues ruin this. I guess I feel that I need another way to talk about all of this. I don't know. I just turned 20 last month and I feel so old sometimes. 

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Hello k_sss, welcome to our forum where you will find kind and understanding people. I am sorry for what you are going through, I can totally relate as I have suffered from severe depression since I was a little boy. It is good to hear of your efforts to better yourself but your right, it sometimes seems like nothing will help. It must be very hard to be studying art when you have lost your passion. I am also sorry for your two friends, that is just a terrible thing to deal with. I have tried a few times to end my life but I too failed and I am thankful for that because taking your own life is just to final of a thing and there is no coming back from it. I am as well glad to hear that you failed in your own attempt. The depression has a way of causing us to think some very negative stuff about ourselves that just is not true. Of course I in no way minimize those feelings that you are having, I know them all too well. You are in college and have a, hopefully supportive boyfriend even if he has his problems as well, so you do have some positive things going for you. But again that does not matter a lot when you are in a depressive state. I wish that I could tell you that everything is going to be fine but there is no way of knowing. All I can say is don't give up, do whatever you can do to help yourself. It could be a matter of being on the right medication that causes a turn around for you. You have what I see as a very bright future, you just have to get the depression under control. I feel your pain and please post here with anything and everything that you need to and I as well as many others will try to help in any way that we can...Be Good to Yourself...  

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  • 1 month later...

Hi K_sss.  I'm really new here and have not suffered from depression until later in life.  I can't be as helpful as I wish because I don't have answers, but I wanted to let you know that your words " feel completely passionless" hit a tone with me. 

I dabble in art too and it really sucks not to feel inspired.  

For me, my lack of passion comes straight from society and this system that's set up.  It's like we're programmed to become robots.  There's no ingenuity.  There's formats on what we're supposed to do, how we're supposed to act.  Our existence is laid out for us, and we're not supposed to go against the norm.  It depresses me.

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sicofsociety you are right that is seems that society sets up our existance-or seems to I should say.  But ultimately 'we' do have a freewill to choose our own path; whether within or without societies patterns.  You also bring up a good topic that makes a good point.  Maybe some of the depression many go through is from that inability to try to fit into a worldly mold pattern-that they can't and don't want to fit in.  Perhaps we as a culture have lost our zeal to be who we are; instead of 'wanabees'. What would happen to each of us if we just wol up and did what we felt in our sould so do and be?  How many 'ughs' about getting up do we each have?  How many of those 'ughs' are something we can change but are afraid to for fear of not fitting in or looking good.  Your existance is not laid out for you or us.  It is there is we are too fearful to choose our own way-then we deal with the outcomes of those wrong choices which make it more difficult to move forward in our own being. I think about these things too.

K_sss I am wondering if you are still out there reading these posts.   

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On 1/16/2017 at 9:30 AM, peachesandbrownie said:

sicofsociety you are right that is seems that society sets up our existance-or seems to I should say.  But ultimately 'we' do have a freewill to choose our own path; whether within or without societies patterns.  You also bring up a good topic that makes a good point.  Maybe some of the depression many go through is from that inability to try to fit into a worldly mold pattern-that they can't and don't want to fit in.  Perhaps we as a culture have lost our zeal to be who we are; instead of 'wanabees'. What would happen to each of us if we just wol up and did what we felt in our sould so do and be?  How many 'ughs' about getting up do we each have?  How many of those 'ughs' are something we can change but are afraid to for fear of not fitting in or looking good.  Your existance is not laid out for you or us.  It is there is we are too fearful to choose our own way-then we deal with the outcomes of those wrong choices which make it more difficult to move forward in our own being. I think about these things too.

K_sss I am wondering if you are still out there reading these posts.   

I know what you mean and I think you're right.  I also think too that there's just no way to live life my own way unless I have the money it takes to do it.  We're tethered to money.  We can't do anything without it.  So we have to get into the competitive job market and secure a job that pays a living wage but more and more, jobs require so much of your time and energy that there's not a lot left for the life you're trying to make money for.

In the 70s there was a living wage.  Now days that's about disappeared for the majority of people out there.   

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We really have become slaves in this economic system and we don't have a choice at this point.  It's not like we can go out, find a piece of land, stake a claim, build a little house, and start growing food.  We can't do anything unless we can make the money to do it and most jobs don't pay enough for you to have a savings account.  We're dependent on money and the big money groups want it that way.

I remember a little of the 60s and 70s.  Money could go a whole lot further.  But the younger generations won't realize that this isn't the way it's supposed to be.  In the 50's people fought the money groups and demanded better wages, less work week hours, and better retirement.  But now days most people grow up thinking this is just the way it is.  It's not.  This economic slavery is working because people think it's a natural way of the world.  It's not.

I know that's a little off topic of what K_sss was posting.  If you're still out there K_sss, I hope you realize that you are very adequate and just as bright as you used to be, even though depression is keeping you from engaging with things, and I hope you're finding your inspiration and passion. 

I don't know if this applies to you, but I spent years seeing myself through the lens and format of peers and tv ads.  Thinking I had to fit a profile.  It took me a long time to realize that I don't want to be judged through any one's eyes but my own.  

I figured out that when I die, I'm the only one making that journey and I asked myself if I wanted to live my life my way or every one else's way.  

I asked this question:  What truly inspires me, whether others understand or not?  How do I feel about things, whether others feel the same or not?  Once I separated who I really am from the measuring sticks society carries around, it was easier to decide how to find a way to live that will get me the things I value in it.

I found out that I hate liars and fake people, and that I'm inspired by taking pics of insects (weird but...) and that I would rather live in the woods in a shack with no air conditioning than in a manicured home in a ritzy subdivision.  

So what will make my life meaningful to me is probably a lifestyle that someone else would look at and think I was ghetto poor.  But...  that's THEIR yardstick.  Not mine.  

Some people, especially artists, need to live a life their own way, that has a deeper meaning for them.  Make a list of all things you value, (human characteristics, value systems, how you want to spend time in life, etc)... and see if you can visualize a life that would have the depth you need, then see if you can find a way to get there.  Hope this helps.

Edited by sicofsociety
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K_sss I hope you are out there doing better and checking in here now and then reading some of the responses to your post.  Perhaps it may seem that some of the comments made are not directly related to your  original topic; but the dialogue is indirectly encompassing the human minds depression, oppression, sadness, discontentment, confusion about life; and all the frustrations that go along with these emotions.

I thought I might share a bit about myself to you and how I even came to be responding to your post.   I am a middle aged woman who battles with chemical-clinical depression. The day I responded I had decided that after several days of feeling such a heaviness of gloom; and wondering if my medicine had 'pooped out' that I went on line to research others' experience with it. My search led me to this site.  I think I saw your title of 'being new' and thought "I'm new here too, so let's take a look at what is going on or how this person is feeling.' I began reading and thought, 'I remember those feelings when I was younger. Hmmm.. I still I have those feelings now and again-even today.' I felt a sad heaviness for you.  I wondered how I had even survived all of these years without being where I am now in my belief system about myself. I smile as I write that now, because I think I am pretty special now. That is not vanity either.  I had to learn how to love and appreciate myself. I realized I had survived through my own 'specialty' of being me.  I am creative; and found a way around my issues before my diagnosis; and after my treatment plan. You are special too.  Life and its experiences will teach you how to use your gifts even when they seem to lay dormant.  In those times you will begin to see inside the true you; and learn how to embrace who you truly are.   

I could write more; as writing is very therapeutic  for me.  But I would not want to overwhelm you or others with my journey for there to here just yet.  : )

 

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