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Jalen

So fed up.

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I am fed up. Life is going nowhere. I have no will to live. I don't care about anything, I don't care about school, I don't care about my future, I don't care about hygiene, and I don't care about myself.

My dad loves to go out of his way to remind me of what a disappointment I am. "All you do is play stupid games." "All you do is sit on your ass and play games all day." "You need to read a book, draw, do something other than computer." He loves to point out how the things I love are stupid without ever taking the time to understand them.

I hate being social, at least IRL. I hate school because I hate the teachers and the kids. I hate going out to eat. Hate playing sports. Hate going to my friends houses. I just don't enjoy any of it. I just want to sit alone and do my own thing. I'll do my work then do what I want.

I am never good enough.

I want to leave.

Life is so boring, I see no point in continuing. I feel crappy a lot and when I do it is ruined right away. Only time I feel happy is when my little brother (we adopted two years ago) does something silly, though I am a bad role model for him, I am bad for him.

I am everywhere I go but these forums.

My dad says I'm on my computer to much but; Newsflash, I'd be dead if it weren't for these forums.

This post is a jumbled up mess just like me. Music is my only relief and yet my parents would approve of the music I like.

My parents never understand what I like and think they're right and it's inappropriate and I shouldn't listen to it. I love the music. I need the music, my parents never understand.

I am just fed up with all of this.

I am just fed up with being a disappointment.

I am just fed up with being thought of as lazy.

I am just fed up with never feeling wanted, never feeling loved. Having to hide my feelings from everybody.

Life is meaningless.

I wish to be alone forever. Only having friends online. I know I'm pathetic, but I don't care. I hate life. I hate it all. I want to leave and never feel anything ever. Be gone. Maybe their is heaven. If so then I'll  find a way to screw that up too.

I have more to write but I'll save that for another time...

Edited by Jalen

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Jalen, I have been spending so much time trying to knock some sense into zdude954, I hope I have not neglected you my friend. Well your right, parents never understand and I guess never will, you need to accept that fact. And I know too well how hurtful words can be coming from a fathers mouth. And Jalen I will say it till my face turns red, you are none of the things that you tell yourself that you are. I know enough about you to know that you are smart, kind, articulate, a great writer and someone that anyone would like being friends with. You don't totally hate sports or all your teachers or all the other kids in school. You have said that you were making friends on one of your sports teams. You don't really hate life, you just hate some things about it, it's tough being a teenager man.  And my guess is that your little brother is proud to have a big brother like you in his life. Also if life is so meaningless right now then try to put some meaning into your life. It's very hard to go through this time in your life but I APPLAUD you for not giving in or giving up, Be strong my friend and you will get through this and have a fulfilling life...Be Good to Yourself...your friend Quentin  

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Yeah sometimes parents really understands us.But i understand how you feel.They need to learn to accept us.Im not saying im all perfect.But i dont know you and you dont know me.But i can be a ear to listen to.And i will try to point you in the right direction.Parents always know everything.Thats what makes us human in the first place.Im here to judge you or your family.Im proud of you for standing your grounds.My parents never treated me that way.So i dont know how you felt at that point in the time.But i do know things will get better.I dont know you probably dont wanna hear that.Try finding something you enjoy doing.See for me its music and computers and books.Im such a nerd lol.Im new to the forum so im trying to get my feet wet here and figiure out what this place is about.Like i said i hope things work out for you.And if not keep posting here.Im sure you will find new friends here.Take care...

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Jalen --

You're one of the most interesting people I know.  You're a smart, talented, passionate introvert.  People don't understand it when you want--when you need--to recharge your own battery.  External approval and belonging to peer groups and being accepted by them mean little to introverts (I should know because I am one, too.), and things like the joy you find in music and the closeness you have in one-on-one time with your little brother are substantive and valuable to you; things that your parents do not understand. 

When I was your age, I, too was very misunderstood by my parents--my mother in particular.  I came from one of  those households where the father went to work and the mother worked in the home.  I thought my mother didn't like me because I didn't like her.  It wasn't until she got a job outside the home that she was . . . nicer.  Happier.  More interested in who I was.  She had to go out into the world to find out who she was besides a wife and mother and the pianist in the city orchestra.  What felt like my mother's coldness was her special interest in two of my siblings--the two musicians of the family for whom and with whom she worked tirelessly.  I felt like I was nothing to her.  I wasn't jealous of my siblings; I just thought I didn't matter.

It may take years, Jalen, for you to get what you need from your parents unless you tell them what you need.  You have the vocabulary for it.  I stuffed down so many feelings I don't think I could have articulated to my mother how I felt.  But you've got it.  You articulate so well how you feel that it breaks my heart to see you withholding yourself.  That is SO PAINFUL.  You're not allowing them to know who you really are.  They say hurtful things because --oh, s.h.i.t.--I don't know.  Because that's the best they can do?  Yes.  That's it.  BUT THEY NEED TO DO BETTER and you need to tell them who you are. 

Funny, my father apologized to me a few years ago, saying he thought I got lost in the shuffle of the five kids; that he  was sorry that I didn't get the attention I needed.  It made me cry for the teenager I was, and at the same time, cry with relief and joy that my experience was acknowledged.  I'm living with my parents now due to difficult financial circumstances, and whatever they didn't give me emotionally when I was growing up, they have made up for a thousandfold. 

So please, just make one step a day toward revealing yourself to them.  They could not possibly be disappointed in you if they knew you.

Love and peace to you, Jalen.

Here when you need me --

WOTL

 

 

 

 

Edited by womanofthelight
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@Jalen, I just want to tell you that you're an immensely brave guy for hanging on for this long despite all the adversity you are going through. Like yourself I have become very isolated due to my depression and I often find myself blaming myself for the way things are turning out in my life. Assigning meaning to a life that feels meaningless is a very difficult obstacle I'm trying to overcome and it sounds like you too are struggling with it. I promise you that you will not struggle for ever, even if it feels like you will.

I know this is going to sound like the hardest thing ever, but is there something you could try doing that give you a sense of purpose without you hating it? I don't know if you're into any kind of arts, crafts or writing activities; if you are it may be worth giving one of them a try. Since I've been pretty much demotivated to death recently I've set my self one target for the time being: have one hot meal a day. It's given me incentive to cook more, which means doing less garden shrub and spending less time staring blankly into a space while playing depressing music. This past week or so I've added checking out DF daily, watching one programme/documentary that interests me - even if very remotely - every other day and attempting to crochet a third of a granny square a day. I guess I'm faring decently. I know these sound like pathetic goals but I have found them helpful to drag me out of the zombified-depression-state. 

Hang in there dude. You might think you haven't got this, but you do. The fact that you have been brave enough to survive this long is a testament to that. Never forget that.

Sending you positive vibes.

 

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Thanks for all of your support.

I will keep trying, I've made friends here on the forums, if it weren't for these forums I'd be dead. I hate how it is but I'll keep trying till' I find a better situation. Problem is it feels like more and more and more and more things get taken away from me and not given.

I would explain that I don't just play "stupid games" the whole time I'm on the computer but I can't explain I'm on this site. This site is my safe haven, I can express my self and feel cared about. If my parents found this I'd be so mad. I don't know how I can show them. Especially considering they're never willing to even try to understand it.

I'll think on it, and hope my counselor comes through and sees me again, though he promised two weeks ago to see my that week and it still hasn't happened.

I think setting goals is a smart idea. Maybe I should do that. I can see that helping, but I feel if I failed I'd be really sad and I doubt I'd succeed.

Last problem is I have to go to school, where I am like the most hated kid. People can't stand me because I almost never participate and end up being yelled at most of the time being I'm zoned out and completely forgot we were doing something. One of you said Maybe I don't fully hate school, maybe that's true, but I can't stand always being harassed every second I'm there. I get kicked and punched and shoved and called things and told things that hurt me, by a lot of people. My teachers mostly hate me so it's hard not to dislike them.

Thanks for your responses. I hope all of your days go amazing.

Best Wishes,

-Jalen

Edited by Jalen

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I could not have put it any better than the previous posters.  (I ran out of gas yesterday which is why I didn't elaborate).  For all the people in your rl who do not understand you, there are as many people here who do.  Your counsellor needs to step it up!  I'm aggravated by him.  If I were the principal--and I've known many over the years--I would not tolerate this type of neglect. 

@herba mentioned goal-setting?  This is one of the keys to getting out of the moments of present misery.  I still set goals for myself, can be done anytime, any age.  But I think this will help you, Jalen, to focus just a little more on your future. 

I agree with @womanofthelight tell your folks who you are.  It's like they don't even know you at all! 

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Hi Jalen,

     I am so sorry!!!  You are so important to all of us here on the Forums and we worry about you and the brutality that assaults you daily!!!  

       You do so much good for all of us here by sharing your experiences.  It helps us all feel less alone with the pain we all experience.  And that is really an inestimable and priceless good that you do.  Your honesty helps us and saves lives.  I find that so noble and inspiring and am grateful beyond words.

       At the same time, we all wish we knew how to ease your suffering and pain because no one here wants to see you suffer! ! !  I myself personally wish I knew what to say to ease your pain!!!  "Sorry" is such a small and pathetic word to contain everything I would like to express, but sadly I cannot think of one better.  You are in my thoughts and prayers daily ! ! !   - epictetus

Edited by Epictetus

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I saw my counselor today. He said sorry I didn't get back to you until two weeks later. Then he said you gotta go back to class just wanted to say I didn't forget. Which in a way was good because I had no idea what to say. Apparently he thinks that nothing's going wrong with me because he said you seem to be doing great, doesn't look like you need counseling right now either way. He doesn't really ask questions and I have no idea how to start. I can't really express completely how I feel while talking with somebody I don't know well, who doesn't honestly seem to care or understand.

Thanks for your responses but I am kind of down because I apparently can't really trust in my counselor for much.

Best Wishes,

-Jalen

Edited by Jalen

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Seriously?  What the  . . .  That, my dear friend, is poor counselling skills.  The people on here, whom I don't believe are professionals (perhaps some of you have a background in psychology??) could help you better than your so-called counsellor!  I'm sorry.  I'm upset for you. 

He's supposed to ask questions.  Then what's his job??  I think you need to spell it out for him, write it down, give it to him and before you do, say:  There is something wrong with me! (I mean that in a totally supportive way, of course).  Does this guy know how to deal with teens?  :Cooptsearch:

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Jalen --

I'm very concerned about this abuse and bullying.  You need to TELL SOMEONE about it, even if you don't want the kids who are hurting you to know you've told.  Your pain is real; the "zoning out" is an escape from the pain.  I don't want to see you become so removed from your true self that you retaliate in some inappropriate outburst of emotional violence towards yourself, or anyone else.

I'm so glad you find comfort here, my dear.  We've come to love you and worry for you like family.  If you don't want to take me up on that idea of compiling your entries here on DF into a notebook or Word document, I'll do it for you.  ((I was a word processing operator in a recently past life ;-).)

Keep your comforts close to you -- music, your little brother, and of course, us.

Much love --

WOTL

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3 hours ago, gs22 said:

Does this guy know how to deal with teens?  :Cooptsearch:

 
 

Doesn't really seem like it.

1 hour ago, womanofthelight said:

I'm so glad you find comfort here, my dear.  We've come to love you and worry for you like family.  If you don't want to take me up on that idea of compiling your entries here on DF into a notebook or Word document, I'll do it for you.  ((I was a word processing operator in a recently past life ;-).)

Keep your comforts close to you -- music, your little brother, and of course, us.

Much love --

WOTL

 

Thanks for the offer, but I already have. just haven't gotten time. I was about to give it to him but he just kinda walked out and said cya later. I have given up on him, I will be seeing a teacher from last year who was a great support to me and I think will understand me much better. Plus I already know and trust her.

You can find this is my blog the entry is called "To Present to Counselor" it has a recap of all of my threads I've posted up until the beginning of November, they are edited though as to not make me sound suicidal enough to warrant telling my parents.

Best Wishes,

-Jalen

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I remembered something you said, I believe it was in the tell me something interesting thread.  You said that your parents pulled you out of school numerous times, and I will assume this was at least partly due to bullying.  So it's like they're not totally in the dark, is it?  Even in my large/chaotic family with two professionals who didn't come home til 8:00pm knew what was going on with me. 

I'm glad you have a teacher you can confide in.  Students used to confide in me.  Unbelievable some of the things my students' parents were clueless about.

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16 minutes ago, gs22 said:

 I remembered something you said, I believe it was in the tell me something interesting thread.  You said that your parents pulled you out of school numerous times, and I will assume this was at least partly due to bullying.  So it's like they're not totally in the dark, is it?

Yeah, that and academic concerns. I just couldn't leave my school if I wanted to. I can not go to college if I don't stay here. They don't know I'm getting bullied at this school. Also some of those times they didn't move me because of bullying, it was because of the fact that I do horrible in school.

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Just now, Jalen said:

Yeah, that and academic concerns. I just couldn't leave my school if I wanted to. I can not go to college if I don't stay here. They don't know I'm getting bullied at this school. Also some of those times they didn't move me because of bullying, it was because of the fact that I do horrible in school.

Not only should your parents know, the principal and vice-principal should know, as well the school counsellor.  And the parents of the students' should know what they're kids are up to. 

It's very hard to pull off good marks when a student keeps getting moved around.  You need stability and support. 

Let us know how things go with that teacher you mentioned.  We're right here for you.

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