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Severely depressed and I can't stand the constant pain and heartache


octopus_pancake

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I'm 36, I've lived with depression for 10+ years. I've been through so many therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists and yet my life just feels like its getting worse and worse. I rarely date, I'm home alone all the time, I don't have local friends so I don't go anywhere. I can't hold a job, hell I can't even find one through a voc rehab system. I feel like I want to cry all the time. I'm not suicidal but I can't stand living. The pain is so unbearable sometimes I just want to pull my hair out. All I can think about is wanting a companion, even though I probably can't handle it and probably never will. I honestly wish God would hurry up and take me off this rock of course I know God doesn't work that way. I'm a christian so I pray and pray and nothing. There is no one to date in my area. I go out and the second I see a woman or a couple I am immediatly in severe depression. I actually want to be emotionally numb so I never have to feel anything. I'd rather not feel anything than all this pain and misery. I truly want to give up so badly I don't even know what I'm holding on to. I can't sleep at night and have to take several naps during the day. Thankfully I have my video games and my anime and stuff otherwise I'd probably just sleep all day. This really sucks -_-

 

So ya, I guess I should go through a little of my hell that is my life:

 

 

At the age of 3 I was diagnosed with ADHD, and as you might guess from then on I have been in special ed programs, countless therapists, medicine etc... My family had no idea how to deal with me. My school life was horrible, I had no friends in school, was always picked on, always failing etc... After highschool I tried college but never finished cause I couldn't stay focused long enough to complete my work and I would end up leaving class and wound up in the computer labs. I had a few jobs here and there but never lasted very long. Eventually my family applied for disability which I recieved back in 2000ish. I haven't really had a job since. I sit in my room playing video games all day because it's the only thing I am interested in really and I have no desire to go out or do anything.

My family has treated me like garbage my whole life.

My grandma: She was a tyrannical matriarch and we just did NOT get along. She would give you things, or help you with something but ther ewas ALWAYS a red string attached she would pull whenever she needed to remind us that she gave us this or did this for "our" benefit but would always end up being to HER benefit. I was put in a private school which my grandma paid for. I was an outcast and it was a disaster. To make things worse whenever kids would pick on me, and when I say pick on I mean in REALLY bad ways. Once a girl took a book and smacked me in the back of the head for absolutely no reason while we were waiting for class to begin and the teacher to come into the room. Not a single person asked if I was ok or confronted the girl nothing nope. After my school life she helped me get on disability cause I couldn't hold a job and they finally realized I had a series of legitimate mental issues. She ended up being my payee so I was only given so much money to work with a month. Now mind you I'm like in my early 20's when this is going on. About 2003-04 I was forced to go live with my uncle till about 2006 when he moved into my grandma's house which is several houses down from my house. my grandma and step-grandfather ended up living in our downstairs where me and a friend of the family had been living. So I had to live upstairs with my mother and brother in a 2 bedroom upstairs house. Needless to say it was very uncomfortable and ackward. In 2007 my step-grandfather died and my brother was asked to take care of my grandma, since he has a passive personality it was easy for them to use him that way. From 2007-2016 he took care of her. She died June 1st of this year, but up till then he was literally taking care of her, he moved downstairs in like 2011 in my step-grandfathers old room so he could be closer to my grandma. Anyway when my grandma had her massive heartattack in dec 2014 it was a mess. We all took care of her, I had a mini breakdown where I had to step back in which my uncle gave me all sorts of hell because "I wasn't pulling my weight".

My uncle: He is THE single most biggest a****** I have ever met. So as I stated above I was forced to live with my uncle. He was in jail for dealing drugs and got out early, his wife left him and they needed me to be there cause he was under house arrest and I didn't have a job so I was the perfect candidate to help him out. It was ok for awhile I had my own floor, was a 3 floor house he built himself. I didn't interact with him all that much only when he needed groceries or help with stuff. Eventually he sold the house and I went back home. He ended up living in my grandmothers house. He is a very verbally abusive person. If me and my grandma got into fights, he would come over and threaten to "pound me to pud" leaving me scared and intimidated. He has even physically assaulted me before. One thanksgiving I had taken a nap and was woken when dinner was ready. It was me, my brother, mother, uncle, cousin and his girlfriend. Me and my cousin were talking about dating when my uncle butts into the conversation and started yelling at me cause I didn't want to wear a suit. So backing up a bit, that day we were going to go to church that weekend, I hated going to that particular church because I was always forced to go as a child and it was all sit stand sit stand, and me having ADHD and restlessness I couldn't sit still. Anyway I hate wearing suits, so I told my grandma I didn't want to wear a suit that I had another outfit to wear. Well she threw a fit we ended up fighting and she locked herself in her bedroom refusing to join us for dinner. So back to my uncle, he starts yelling at me cause I wasn't doing what my grandmother wanted, well I because I was still out of it from my nap I put my hand up and said "could you just shut up about the suit already jeez". He got so angry he jumped up flew over to me grabbed me by the shirt dragged me into my room threw me on my bed jumped on top of me pinning me between my headboard and the mattress and him, and started beating me. My after my cousin yelled at him to get off me he got off. I called the cops but nothign came of it. Ever since then it was always back and forth between me and him. He threatening me with stupid like having me committed and I retaliated with getting him thrown back in prison. It was not fun for me.

My mother: My mother, what can I say. She's a ditzy airhead that can't make a decision to save her life unless it involves, she's stolen from me, she had one of our late cats put to sleep without telling us or letting us see her for one last time it was horrible. I mourned for 3 days straight I couldn't sleep all I could do was cry my heart out. So Misty, our 16 year old cat at the time, had developed hyperthyroidism and well it was difficult because my mother refused to deal with it. My brother was too busy taking care of my grandmother at the time so it left to me and my mother. Well I ended up having to give the shots and things and I wanted her to help. So I made her an ultimatum, which I only used to get her to see that she needed to help take care of the Misty instead of just give excuses and put it all on me. Well I basically said she needed to take care of her or put her to sleep. I didn't actually think my mother would do this. Not only did she put her to sleep, she didn't tell us did it behind our backs, paid the money dumped the cat on the counter and left. Not even saying goodbye herself she got in the car and I find out she immediatly regretted doing it. It broke me. Even now as I'm writing this I'm crying. I don't want to talk about my mother anymore right now I'm too upset.

So just this last april I put my other cat to sleep which was a very hard decision to make. But she had diabetes and it was just costing too much and she was peeing everywhere and it was just a mess. All this while my grandma is sick so not only am I helping to take care of my grandma, I made the hard decision to put my cat to sleep. And then of course June 1st my grandma passed so I've had a really rough year this year. This is just the tip of the iceberg.  Theres so much more to my story but I just am too tired of reliving the pain to write more right now.  

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I feel so sad for the pain you endured growing up. It definitely sounds like you grew up in a dysfunctional environment where your needs weren't met and where you didn't even feel physically safe at all times. It's especially challenging with ADHD because of how it impacts school and ability to learn and have friends. My son has a buddy with ADHD and it's something that comes with him into his adult life also, not just childhood. No wonder you feel sad, living alone and not working. That level of isolation is very hard on a person. I think writing all of this out is a good start. There's pain that needs healing.

I realize you've been to many doctors, psychiatrists etc over the years...maybe mostly as a youngster? Now that you're 36, can you find just one person to share a little with? As adults, we can begin to distance ourselves a bit from the family, especially if they're dysfunctional. It's okay for you to find what you need outside of your family. Do you go to a church, or have a regular doctor that might be able to refer you to a counsellor? If you're on disability is there a program for people on disability that offers free counselling? Counselling isn't a magic cure, but it's a chance to talk about some of these difficult memories, as well as your unhappiness with how things are right now. And someone to help you take small steps to make little changes in your life. I wish you peace and healing :icon12:

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16 minutes ago, octopus_pancake said:

I've been seeing therapists all my life not just as a young child/teen.  I've seen them for better part of 10 some years now on and off.

I see. Well, I hope you will continue to express yourself, here and wherever else makes sense to you. It's good to get all this stuff out. Take good care, dear heart.

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Hey, I only have time to read your first paragraph, but I can relate to how you are feeling when lacking a relationship and having that desire for one.

My honest advice to you is you just have to live your life like you will never find one. Enjoy the positives through things like favourite TV shows, favourite food, and also it is important to work on your professional development any way you can. I can't tell you that the last part is easy. Try different medications and give them all a fair trial.

I hate to tell you this, but you need to put in that work to better yourself, and especially bettering yourself professionally. If you are having trouble focusing on things like school work I could suggest finding something you can focus on and try bettering yourself through whatever that is. An alternative is working on the element of focus and commitment itself. A counselor may be able to help you with this.

However, I am sorry you are feeling down, I just urge you to keep at it.

Edited by zzzsheepyzzz
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