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Kabuto

What Therapy Has Not Taught Me

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Therapy has taught me a number of things.  A number of good things.   Unbelievably valuable things.

But there are things therapy has not taught me.   I can't help but wonder if it has to do with the quality of the therapy itself.   Afterall, I have a unique set of concerns.

1)   How to Stop DISLIKING my Sex Drive:

I really wish I didn't have a sex drive to fulfill.   I don't want it.   It's not fair.   I feel like most therapists don't understand, because they like their sex drive.   But not me.   I've even thought to go as far as to castrate myself, so I don't have to deal with it.

2)   How To Stop DISLIKING Society.

There's been some progress here.   I've learned to really start to see the good in society.   The good in people.   That's a huge thing.

However, the core of society, the core of it all:   I don't like it.    And therapy hasn't taught me to like that.

3)   How To Find My Career.

Therapists are not career counselors.   I even saw a career counselor, and he barely helped me.   So it's unfortunate....

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Ah! You and i have something in common. Therapy has given me some very good tools to help drag my sorry ass through the worst of my depression, but I'm no closer to finding a career now (at 32) than I was at 15. 

I dislike society too; I've been coming to terms with the fact that I've probably been dealing with social anxiety for a lot longer than a year or two (as I've tried to kid myself). 

With regards to the matters concerning our sex drive, have you ever considered that you might be asexual? Just putting it out there in the universe, if you know what I mean.

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54 minutes ago, Kabuto said:
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Therapy has taught me a number of things.  A number of good things.   Unbelievably valuable things.

But there are things therapy has not taught me.   I can't help but wonder if it has to do with the quality of the therapy itself.   Afterall, I have a unique set of concerns.

1)   How to Stop DISLIKING my Sex Drive:

I really wish I didn't have a sex drive to fulfill.   I don't want it.   It's not fair.   I feel like most therapists don't understand, because they like their sex drive.   But not me.   I've even thought to go as far as to castrate myself, so I don't have to deal with it.

2)   How To Stop DISLIKING Society.

There's been some progress here.   I've learned to really start to see the good in society.   The good in people.   That's a huge thing.

However, the core of society, the core of it all:   I don't like it.    And therapy hasn't taught me to like that.

3)   How To Find My Career.

Therapists are not career counselors.   I even saw a career counselor, and he barely helped me.   So it's unfortunate....

SSRI's will effectively **** your sex drive! :)

A friend of mine who had a very high sex drive intentionally took Zoloft for a few months just to bring his sex drive down because it was annoying him. 

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I don't really see therapy as a place where you go to learn "how to."  I see it more as a place where two people explore and discover new ways of relating. As a client, I learn to relate in new and different ways to my own ideas and thoughts, and to the people around me. That may involve a nudge from my therapist or simply discussion and exploration of ideas that are already inside, brewing.

I, too, have a lot of issues with people, generally. I'm learning that my values do not match up with the values of society as a whole. My therapist didn't teach me that, but through discussion and my own exploration, I've discovered that. It's taken quite a long time to understand, because I've always believed and been told that we should always accept societal norms as...well, normal.

The career question is similar. I've always put what I loved/dreamed/wanted to do aside for what was practical and what people told me I *should* do.  It's taken years to understand that what is truly important is what is in my own heart. 

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On 2016-11-02 at 10:33 AM, standup said:

SSRI's will effectively **** your sex drive! :)

A friend of mine who had a very high sex drive intentionally took Zoloft for a few months just to bring his sex drive down because it was annoying him. 

Are you serious? 

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You could be asexual.  Many people are.  When I say this, I'm referring to those not on medication, or dealing with the side effects of an rx, or as a symptom of any kind of physical or mental disorder.  They're just like that.  You may not be aware, but there's a growing movement (maybe a strong word) to garner respect and understanding for asexuality. 

@herba thanks for mentioning asexuality.  There's a lack of awareness of this issue.

@Kabuto I guess in your case you have a strong sex drive but don't want one. For others, they're asexual or have a low sex drive but want to increase it. 

Career counselling, does it ever work?  If it has, I'd love to hear about it.  I remember going to ones at different times in my life.  All epic failures.  But if there's a success story out there, I'm all ears.

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I forgot to mention.  In once took this course in university called Social Problems.  All it did was make me aware of just how messed up society was.  Interesting course, I'll say that much.

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I find it extremely distressing how many students currently go to college for a 2 year or 4 year degree and then discover that the degree is worthless as far as helping them land a job. What's even more distressing is that they were encouraged to get these degrees by their university counselors. Not to sound like an old crony, but when I went to college, we studied what we wanted our career to be. I wanted my career to be in business marketing so I got a Bachelors degree in... ta da...marketing! with a minor in business management.  Why didn't these students ask questions before they wasted all that time and money? Why didn't their parents ask questions? Why do these degrees even exist? One of these people with a worthless degree is my daughter-in-law which is why this annoys me!!

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34 minutes ago, rainingviolets said:

I find it extremely distressing how many students currently go to college for a 2 year or 4 year degree and then discover that the degree is worthless as far as helping them land a job. What's even more distressing is that they were encouraged to get these degrees by their university counselors. Not to sound like an old crony, but when I went to college, we studied what we wanted our career to be. I wanted my career to be in business marketing so I got a Bachelors degree in... ta da...marketing! with a minor in business management.  Why didn't these students ask questions before they wasted all that time and money? Why didn't their parents ask questions? Why do these degrees even exist? One of these people with a worthless degree is my daughter-in-law which is why this annoys me!!

Now it's time for rant/vent.  I mean this in a supportive way with re. to careers/jobs.  I want to refer particularly to the situation in the US.  Why?  Because your tuition even at State universities and the student loans that come with it is exorbitant; and it tends not to lead to a career; or the it takes a lifetime to pay it back, if at all.  It's a mess.  It's way worse than in Canada, though I know, I know . . . that my province is in the hole too and there are Canadians on this site who have significant debt.  

It has been said, that most are better off with a vocational degree than one from a unversity (in the US).  You'll get a job and with little to no debt (if I'm wrong, correct me).  Most university programs do not have a direct connection to work.  There very few lead to licenced professions.  After that, you really need to know what's going on the marketplace.  Nursing is a good choice (obviously, not everyone's into that).  A teacher's licence (I have that; also not for everyone). 

You know what I think?  I think that students, especially, younger ones go to college because that's what you do.  But it's too expensive esp. in the US not to plan things out carefully.  I'm no anarchist, but it has been argued that the whole university structure, which is run like a business, i.e. to attract as many people to enroll for their money to fund the "real" graduate programs, needs to be revamped.  No kidding.  Sorry, ha, but rainingviolets got me going.  Long-time grievance. 

Edited by gs22

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All 4 of my kids had full academic scholarships so we never had any of the tuition mess. Even my daughter's complete medical school education (even her books), my son's masters degree ~ were all paid with academic scholarships.  Even the guys my girls married had academic scholarships, so they began married life without that burden.  That is, until my son married the girl with the worthless degree who also had a boatload of school loan debt.  Good grief! One of the first questions her father asked him the first time she took him home to meet her parents was, "How much money do you have in the bank?" I'll spare you my rant about that! I've never thought about any of your points because it was never an issue for us. I need to dwell on this for awhile!

Edited by rainingviolets

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On 11/2/2016 at 3:33 PM, standup said:

SSRI's will effectively **** your sex drive! :)

A friend of mine who had a very high sex drive intentionally took Zoloft for a few months just to bring his sex drive down because it was annoying him. 

Hahaha, oh I wish that was the case for me. I have an extremely high sexdrive and nothing seems to affect it. Tried SSRI, SNRI, NDRI as well as atypical antidepressants and none of them lowered my sex drive in any way. I'm always surprised when people say they don't have much of a sex drive when they're severely depressed, it's quite the opposite for me. Maybe it's a form of coping mechanism for me where I distract myself with sexual thoughts when I feel really bad.

It's quite bothersome to be honest, no telling how much money I wasted on pornography and prostitutes (it's legal where I am) since I'm obviously too much of a loser to get a woman. If it were possible I'd opt for chemical castration. Having a sex drive and being unable to find a girlfriend (35 and never had one) is just cruel torture. 

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I don't know how to teach someone not to hate society.  That's an imponderable thing.  I don't myself, but I know just how utterly messed up society is, as far as a person can understand such an issue. 

I feel funny, as a woman, telling a guy what to do about, not wanting a sex drive (or wanting one).  This is out of my league!

Edited by gs22

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27 minutes ago, gs22 said:

You know what I think?  I think that students, especially, younger ones go to college because that's what you do.  But it's too expensive esp. in the US not to plan things out carefully.  I'm no anarchist, but it has been argued that the whole university structure, which is run like a business, i.e. to attract as many people to enroll for their money to fund the "real" graduate programs, needs to be revamped.  No kidding.  Sorry, ha, but rainingviolets got me going.  Long-time grievance. 

Yeah, it has become the default choice for most people. In Europe most people don't go to university, they go through a 2 to 4 year vocational training program that consists of a paid internship and a technical college program (roughly comparable to an AS degree). For the majority of people that works out quite well as few jobs really require a 4-year degree. It obviously makes it difficult to raise to the rank of management but lets face it, most people will never get there anyway so 4 year degrees are a waste of time for most. 

Nice thing is that they don't have to worry about accepting unpaid internships after they're done with training, they can usually stay at the same company and continue working there as FTEs. 

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I hope I'm not too late to the party, but hi! Greetings from a biromantic asexual. 

I can't offer much thought for the last two concerns. I don't know where you are in life, but exploring other interests and the stories of other people might broaden your perspectives about this one. When I'm in a void mode, I like listening to The Moth--it's a great resource of evidence that this world is enormous. Maybe it'll help you too. 

However, I can offer some thought on asexuality. The first thing most people say when they find out that it exists is "I'm not broken!?" And truly, they are not. Asexuality is a broad spectrum, and as the knowledge of it has spread, people have found solace in the many identities that the umbrella covers. While I'm here, I should mention the aromantic umbrella and pansexuality, as they're not commonly heard of either.

This three part post  really helped me decide whether or not I belonged on any part of the spectrum in the first place. It's clear and thorough, and maybe it will help you too. Two potentially helpful sites include asexuality.org, which has this page https://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Asexuality, definitions, and a forum; and http://****yeahasexual.tumblr.com/, which is a blog that is very helpful and reliable.

This might not fit you at all in the end, but people who are ace and don't know often feel so broken that I feel compelled to share it just in case. 

Best of luck!

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@thehobgoblin I just wanted to thank you for the links and your intelligent input.  I had read some of them some time ago when I wanted to learn more about asexuality, just for my own education, which has not received the respect and understanding it deserves.

Edited by gs22

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21 hours ago, gs22 said:

Are you serious? 

I know it sounds crazy, but yes. He was also trying to see if it would enhance his mood, even though he didn't have depression. It didn't.

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19 hours ago, lonelyforeigner said:

Hahaha, oh I wish that was the case for me. I have an extremely high sexdrive and nothing seems to affect it. Tried SSRI, SNRI, NDRI as well as atypical antidepressants and none of them lowered my sex drive in any way. I'm always surprised when people say they don't have much of a sex drive when they're severely depressed, it's quite the opposite for me. Maybe it's a form of coping mechanism for me where I distract myself with sexual thoughts when I feel really bad.

It's quite bothersome to be honest, no telling how much money I wasted on pornography and prostitutes (it's legal where I am) since I'm obviously too much of a loser to get a woman. If it were possible I'd opt for chemical castration. Having a sex drive and being unable to find a girlfriend (35 and never had one) is just cruel torture. 

This just proves how different people can be in their manifestations of depression.

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4 hours ago, gs22 said:

@thehobgoblin I just wanted to thank you for the links and your intelligent input.  I had read some of them some time ago when I wanted to learn more about asexuality, just for my own education, which has not received the respect and understanding it deserves.

Thank you for the thanks! You know, if only people respected or even knew that the A in LGBTQA+ meant asexual and not ally, this probably wouldn't be such an issue. :suspect:

Anyhow, I really hope @Kabuto can get some helpful stuff from this thread. :o) 

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5 minutes ago, thehobgoblin said:

Thank you for the thanks! You know, if only people respected or even knew that the A in LGBTQA+ meant asexual and not ally, this probably wouldn't be such an issue. :suspect:

Anyhow, I really hope @Kabuto can get some helpful stuff from this thread. :o) 

I'll just be open & honest, since you are.  I think everyone knows I'm straight.  I've also said at various points since coming here that I have zero stomach for racism, bullying (by any motivation), homophobia, etc., etc.  I grew up completely liberal and liberated and all of that nonsense is just gross.  I have friends of all sorts, gay, bi, whatever, I don't judge, never have.  I've noticed more so in the US that being sexual and sexually active is really valued, like, there's a lot of hoopla around it.  I have an old motto: live and let live.  But I also support people and do my best to understand what they're thinking and feeling.  I hope I haven't said anything wrong. 

Yes, Kabuto, where are you??

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2 hours ago, gs22 said:

 I've noticed more so in the US that being sexual and sexually active is really valued, like, there's a lot of hoopla around it.

That's the case pretty much anywhere in the West. No love/sex = failure to most people. When people hear that I've never been in a relationship the first reaction is usually along the lines of "you're lying" or "*** is wrong with you, you gay?" The concept that someone doesn't have a sex life is completely foreign to them. Virtually no one believed me when I told them that I was involuntarily celibate for 12 years while living in the US (didn't even kiss anyone in that time). 

At least my parents stopped asking about my love life or absence thereof :-D I think they believe I'm gay and haven't come out of the closet yet, lol. 

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2 hours ago, lonelyforeigner said:

That's the case pretty much anywhere in the West. No love/sex = failure to most people. When people hear that I've never been in a relationship the first reaction is usually along the lines of "you're lying" or "*** is wrong with you, you gay?" The concept that someone doesn't have a sex life is completely foreign to them. Virtually no one believed me when I told them that I was involuntarily celibate for 12 years while living in the US (didn't even kiss anyone in that time). 

At least my parents stopped asking about my love life or absence thereof :-D I think they believe I'm gay and haven't come out of the closet yet, lol. 

Not that far better in Canada.  I know what you're referring to, it's called being an "incel" for short.  There's tons of in info on this.  Some wish they were celibate, others don't.  Some of my friends appear not to care either way.  I never discuss anything of this nature with people I don't trust.  It's none of their business. 

Edited by gs22

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On 11/7/2016 at 0:19 PM, gs22 said:

I'll just be open & honest, since you are.  I think everyone knows I'm straight.  I've also said at various points since coming here that I have zero stomach for racism, bullying (by any motivation), homophobia, etc., etc.  I grew up completely liberal and liberated and all of that nonsense is just gross.  I have friends of all sorts, gay, bi, whatever, I don't judge, never have.  I've noticed more so in the US that being sexual and sexually active is really valued, like, there's a lot of hoopla around it.  I have an old motto: live and let live.  But I also support people and do my best to understand what they're thinking and feeling.  I hope I haven't said anything wrong. 

Yes, Kabuto, where are you??

Nope, you haven't said anything wrong! But, allies writing themselves into the lgbt+ acronym is a huuuuge problem that needs to stop, so that's the only reason why I mentioned it. I'm glad you make an effort to think and be that way. :o)

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