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ventured out but made me remember

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Went to a Halloween parade today with my folks. Wasn't super in the mood but went anyways. It was ok until I saw so many families and boyfriends with girlfriends, and a happy Hispanic community. My recent retraumitization was with a hispanic person. Not a bad person but someone I liked and the first person after my husband died that i glommed on to, and a little to quick. So i was reminded how alone I am, missing my husband, and angry and sad and symptomatic ptsd stuff about the hispanic person that went so wrong when I was hoping for some right. This is all the stuff that led to a total mind darkness a while back and am still trying to recover from. Sad about my situation that i was way better before the retraumatization than i am now. The slide back was massive. 

This thing is so hard sometimes, and sometimes it makes me think i may never be able to be with another human being again in a relationship. than I really start to go to dark places. I have forgotten what its like to trust myslef and others. Day to day is still day to day moment to moment sometimes. 

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