creativity-when-depressed-part-two

[glfinding]

Car crash angels and brittle brides,

Living lives in reverse of ending rides,

A tip tonight I offer in subjagation,

Whats left in your hour glass,

Count the sands in your little sea,

I can already feel the dirt on my bones,

 

Destined destination happy tragedy,

A life is only but a mass of atoms,

Red violens a psychotic symphony,

Dreaming of all the bad things,

We were dragged here to do,

To be sincere to the most cowardice,

Of nightmares formed by enemies,

 

Just seconds passing my grasp,

Half life of my soul equating,

The density that the demons demostrating,

The seconds passing my grasp,

Forge it like it's my only weapon left,

Destroy it for all of your world to see.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 31, 2018 by glfinding

[highanxiety]

On 8/22/2017 at 3:42 PM, ColdFire said:

Okay, we need the like button back! It's triggering me not being able to show my appreciation for all the great posts in this thread anymore.

I totally agree.  I thought it was just on my end, but apparently it is affecting everyone.  Please bring the like button back!

[highanxiety]

Ghosts are all around me

memories of the past

which won't let be free.

 

I could move forward 

if this haunting would stop.

But it appears nothing I try,

will exterminate this lot.

 

Memories keep me prisoner

in the cell they have created,

One I must live in

until they are destroyed and beaten.

 

 

[Natasha1]

13 hours ago, highanxiety said:

I totally agree.  I thought it was just on my end, but apparently it is affecting everyone.  Please bring the like button back!

It will eventually. Our technician passed away after being ill for a long time. We have a new technician on our team but i know he is working hard on other things that are a bigger priority as Lioninwinter was when it all started. We just have to wait and see. 

For the time being i would just reply and tag who you are trying to "like"

[SugaredSloth]

(whispered)

I get scared, too, you know.
That the spell will shatter
And you will see me as I do,
Ugly and useless and wrong.
That this will happen suddenly.
That you will wake up in the morning
And read my words and feel... nothing.
Indifferent. Ambivalent.
And you will know then
That your life would be better
If you weren't holding on to me.
Just as afraid that this will happen slowly,
Like ice melting in spring,
Leaving behind dirt and dead grass.
Or like paint being worn away by the seasons,
So slowly over time
That you don't notice at first,
And when you do, it's too late to fix.
I don't feel this way today,
But I feel this way sometimes.
And when I'm feeling strong,
I resolutely refuse to hang you with my hopes,
Only to appreciate every affection you offer
While you give freely,
And expect nothing tomorrow.
And when I'm feeling weak,
I fear that I am ultimately unlovable
And I swear to myself
That I will never show you
Just how desperately I will hold on
If you decide it's no longer worth it
To keep me.

[Natasha1]

Trigger Warning

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In The Dark

It was uncomfortable.

The Overture didn't give a hint of this.

It actually hurt.

I was surprised. I didn't move my hands after the firm "No." 

I couldn't anyway.

I was confused.

I wasnt sure if you were serious or playing. It sure didnt feel like play. And then you went back to normal.

And i was relieved. 

Entr'acte; it didnt last long. Because then came the strange accusation, not of anything that i had done, but something that was a part of some weird role you were playing. In a theatre of domination. 

And an insult.

Confusion.

The scent of you. Stronger than it has ever projected. Its echo ringing in my mind as i watch from the corner seat in the last row.

I am still confused.

Not knowing how to interpret the Artistic Presentation from the Director's Cut.

Did i misunderstand? 

And in my mind it plays again and again. I know I did nothing different. I know I did nothing.

If this is how it will be moving forward, I think I will lose interest forever. And fast. Discard the Program and Souvenir Book. Go back to waiting for my Diagnosis, a fitting Finale.

I never claimed to be an actress. And I never auditioned. So how am I in this position, waiting for the reviews? 

I hope there is never a revival performance.

 

 

 

[anxiousE]

^ maybe I missed something, but I didn't notice the trigger. I do not at all say this to diminish anything you're going through or trying to express. I'm likely just in my own world, but my fear is that if you thought that triggered, then now I wonder if mine will trigger. I don't think so, but to play it safe, I'll add some spaces. P.s. I was about to put this in my blog and then here. I didn't realize you did the same thing, so I'm not copying you, just great minds think alike! hehe! ;) ;)

edit: oh, I think I understand why the above post necessitated a trigger warning. I really don't think this one does, so I'll fix my blog.

 

 

 

(blog post)-"Something a bit different-creative liberty" (creative liberty? sortof. emphasis on the liberty, as my confidence lacks right now)

 

I'm just improvising right here, 

just getting out some thoughts

frustration! irritation! 

struggle to hone in it

I'm flying in this carnival ride

and inside the car I hide

I cower, I rock

I shimmy, I shake

I pull the hood up and over my head

and close my eyes, but still awake.

I'm so tired, but restless, can't sit still

and watch fly by the scene there until

I catch a figure in the distance

staring at me with persistance

looking, judging, mouth in a frown

please, please, can I just calm down?!

 

Edited February 13, 2018 by anxiousE

[Natasha1]

@anxiousE

Something happened last night. Its left me possibly overthinking. But...sigh...it might be nothing. Everything is normal now so maybe its nothing. 

I copy to my blog so it doesnt get lost in the mix on this thread. I sometimes write it directly on here and have no copy anywhere else. Like this last piece. 

[Natasha1]

Im not sure if what I am writing here conveys whay I am trying to say but oh well, here goes:

Onward

Moving
Streaming
Collecting
Nurturing

Your crystal stars
Surfacing
The small universe to me,
Calling

Becoming
A part of your essence
No troubled waters
Just calm music

The snow trickling
Melting
Into your rush
Towards the stagnant pool behind me

My hiking boots
Restricting
Removal, essential
Required in the cold

Dipping
Cleansing
Growing
Freezing

Too cold for this
But it is time
Even if Spring is late, not coming
The Spring of rejuvenation comes to me

I'm finally ready to climb, to fly
Despite the run-off
You, Nature
My escape

People, no longer the focus
Looking
Up to your peak
My mountain and saviour

No more metaphorical personalities
Just you
For me
Our connection, Nature

Calling
Healing
Yearning
Touching

Challenge my agility
My movements in sync
Quickly
Over your majestic ridge

Swallow me whole
As I disappear in altitude
Surrendering
My reward is my solitude

Higher streams,
Sparkling
More stars to me
Coming

In the past,
Reaching
You knew I wasn't ready
To become. With you.

No more confusion
Only Nature
And you, my mountain
Loving

No longer
Searching
You were here all along and I'm
Finding

Finally my freedom
Seeing
My arms up, cool breeze I'm
Feeling

The sun, my fire
Burning
The Storm, my mind
Redeeming

I was the one
Holding
The key to the lock
My freedom imprisoned

My mountain
Telling
But I couldn't hear, wasn't
Listening

Hearing
You, my mountain, my friend
No more deception
No more me

Just you
For the true me
My Mountain
Nature

Feeling
Tasting
Believing
Seeing

Free




 

[anxiousE]

17 hours ago, Natasha1 said:

@anxiousE

Something happened last night. Its left me possibly overthinking. But...sigh...it might be nothing. Everything is normal now so maybe its nothing. 

I copy to my blog so it doesnt get lost in the mix on this thread. I sometimes write it directly on here and have no copy anywhere else. Like this last piece. 

That's exactly my thinking...well, kinda all of it! Ha! But was mostly referring to the posting stuff in this comment. Hang in there!

[glfinding]

What wonderful posts.

Hello HA :)

So sad to hear the guy didnt make it. I think someone mentioned to me his condition was pretty bad.  Death is for sure strange to me. I prayed for death most of my younger life. Now I seem to fear it.  Most of my poems lately seem to be about dying. May he rest in peace.

[glfinding]

Inside our moments of hysteric particles,

Granting my raid scar conguer all the animals,

What is Ifirit if he is made by the inferior,

Time to fear another generation of nothin,

A world that aims to multiply attack and divide,

Always wondering why the thoughts of suicide,

I wonder how many more people will die in time,

Dying every passing second probably dying now,

But my words still  keep creeping underneath,

Nobody reading me ever gets to see the line I'm on,

We're all just gone waiting for fat lady's pretty song,

And it is just seconds passing my grasp of victory,

My lovely poem on the internet becoming history,

My dissatisfaction might take me forever anyways.

 

[SugaredSloth]

Self Denial

I'm the queen of self denial
I tell myself not to breathe
If you're not here with me
Too many times I've coated my lungs
With the sound of your name
To be the same without you
And so I suffocate

I tell myself not to reach
If I can't feel your teeth on my skin
Why would I bother with anything
If my hands won't find you next to me
Then what is left for me
And so I'm paralyzed

I tell myself not to sleep
If your eyes won't be the first thing I see
When I open mine
What a waste if I can't see your face
It's just destroying a dream
So I'm awake for days at a time

I tell myself not to speak
If my voice can't fill your ears
If I'm crying and tears won't dry
Then the words will disappear anyway
There's nothing else I can say
And so I internalize

I tell myself not to write
If you're not reading this
But I can't keep it in...

[anxiousE]

Not poetry, but ABOUT my poetry (or "poetry"). Curious if anyone else has ever had this happen ??

i found something I wrote not too long ago, but I completely forgot I had written it. It sounds like my writing, but it sounds foreign at the same time. I had to read it closely to be sure it was my writing. It is, because it's my story. This has happened to me more lately, but generally speaking, it's a pretty new phenomenon. (I tend to remember things I write, especially if it was only a few months ago. This must have been during an episode. Anyway,) Um, well, I would put it here, because I think folks would relate, but I'm just still too in shock by it that I want to wait a few days...at least! Although, I am still a little nervous about sharing poetry/my writings...oh, maybe I'll stick it in my blog, so I at least have a backup. (I like that feature here. Very cool! :))... It's still public though. Hard for me to part with these things, especially when they mean so much to me....oh well. see ya around!

[Natasha1]

@anxiousE you can always start another blog that only you can see if you want a back up that is private.

[glfinding]

On 2/13/2018 at 10:51 PM, glfinding said:

Inside this copied collection of hysteric particles,

Granting my raid scar I conquered the animals,

The shatter silence calls, the shadow falls,

A world that aims to multiply attack and divide,

Suicide letters inspired me to wonder why I,

I wonder how many people will die in my time,

Dying every passing second probably dying now,

And everything that has a thought, is wrong,

And everything that offers moments, withdrawn,

But my words keep continuing, creeping underneath,

Nobody reading me ever gets to see the line I'm on,

Sing a song of death, hoping the day that we're gone,

Seconds passing my grasp, forever in the debt of it,

The years passing me by, nothing seems to matter,

One day, we all make some excellent carbon fuel.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[glfinding]

idk, been a while since i posted on my other forum, can't get anything good going.  been working my ass off. spending time with kid.  i feel overwhelmed. tired. i swear to god, all i ever wanted was a little peace.

[samadhiSheol]

Infinite Jest (courtesy DFW),

Or the Kil ling Joke

 

 

Wotcha mate.

Long time no see.

Yes, I have missed you.

 

I’ve known you since I don’t know how long.

What, since we were nine?

Blood brothers, on and off. More on than off. Haha.

 

You reckoned Tarzan would kick Steve Austin’s ass. I said no way. Haha.

 

Good times.

 

We have something NO ONE else has. Affinity. Connection.

 Alchemy and Witchcraft

 

Blonde or Brunette?

 

We are so different, you and I.

Yet we aren’t

 

Non-conformist.

You more than me as it turned out

 

But we both like Black.

 

And music was one of the super glues keeping us together.

 

 You found this

I found that

We liked both

 

But who are we kidding

 

Blood brothers

 

And through the years we stuck together.

 

 

But

I kicked your ass once or twice you bas tard..

 Yeah

 I got totally pis sed off with you

 

 AND I’M SO SORRY FOR THAT.

 

Alcoholism is no joke..

 

I wish..

 

A lot of things as it happens.

 

I wish I had been there more. I wish..

I wish I had kicked your ass when you really needed it.

 

NOT WHEN YOU NEEDED SUPPORT

 

Not when you were all over the place

 

Not after weeks

Months

Years of booze

 

Senseless consumption of alcohol

(Youcouldnthelpityouneeded FUC KING INTERVENTION)

 

Really you needed to save YOURSELF(cos no one else will) I guess..but

 

Bottom line:

 

I wasn’t there.

When you needed me to be

 

 

I heard you died

 

ONE FUC KING YEAR AFTER THE FACT

No grave stone

Nothing

 

But I love chatting with you, Friend

I like seeing you around

In my dreams

 

Steve Austin and Tarzan are still fighting it out

I’ll never forget you,

Victim of the Riddle

 

 

And I’m so fuc king sorry

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 24, 2018 by samadhiSheol

[anxiousE]

On 2/22/2018 at 10:55 PM, Natasha1 said:

@anxiousE you can always start another blog that only you can see if you want a back up that is private.

I'll think about it. I'll probably share here eventually, or if the option is to make it members only or something. You've performed some of yours (forgive me, I'm not sure what one calls it). I'm debating whether I want to publish any of my stuff. I wonder if I'd not be able to share then on sites like these though. I'd like for a way to get feedback, but I'd like my stuff to be protected too. I asked about your performing because maybe you'd know about stuff like this. I like living in the shadows, but I want what is mine to still be mine, ya know, But also with feedback. Sorry for distressing on yet another forum thread, but my mind is always thinking of the next step. Hehe

Always thinking of the next step-good title! (I'll share this one ;)   ) 

[Natasha1]

We should talk about this on pm. Send your questions @anxiousE

[profound_cumulonimbus]

I sit trapped inside, contemplating this beastly storm, an ironic reflection of my soul. Cold and callous, a huntress, feeding on the warmth of others. My cold heart is winters bitter chill & as my tears fall, snow hides unforgivable sins. There is a beauty in this blanket of white, a false purity. Dark skies filled by a full moon. A moment of brightness masks a haunting dark truth with such peaceful beauty, im a burden on this world, incapable of love, and when the frost thaws, my heart will still be stone. I beg you find shelter from me.
 

Edited March 1, 2018 by profound_cumulonimbus

[glfinding]

I am the relavant of this time,

For my presence is a disaster,

The calling that tears, tears,

My knuckles down, I am sin,

Begin to notice my benevolent,

The conviction of bitter ends,

I am here, with you, in the time,

That I rhyme, a mind of kind of,

Merciless, terrific negatory I claim,

Just this one part, that's not ****ed up,

Stuck in my misery, deny my citizen,

Thoughts of my animal, fixes my, my,

Memories of looking around, reliant,

Voice of nothing, inside of eachother,

Claiming that all of which despairs,

My doubt showing me all around,

And I know that they stare, I care,

My affairs of this place draws near,

Disappear until ash leaves the dust,

Our choir of Angels, do I disappoint,

A moments notice face execution, a point,

That we find a way into silence falling,

Into eachother, another force, of the many,

Pretty, but I just want to know why,

Why we die alone, disgust upon life,

Strife of animals, cynical depression,

Loneliness that many I know, know,

City of the God, just existing despair,

My God calamity, pysychotic symphony,

A dream I have been suspicious, distrust,

I begin to wonder, have I already committed,

My design, to hurt myself forever judged,

A grudge that I pledge my way into,

Into the ground of the fellow dirt,

I leave you, into the dismay to discover,

Another one decides the fate of us,

Do you love the hatred? Demonstrated,

My sadness connected to the living,

Another situation I have to cut for,

Adore, my ignorance I hold with in,

Inside I die every single day I live,

And now the moment passes my,

My grasp to hold anything true,

It is our obedience that is illusion,

You with me, in this lonely glory,

Hoping for the higher, power feels.

 

Edited March 11, 2018 by glfinding

[Teemu]

I did post here a poem or two a long time ago. Somehow I found this place again and was fascinated how pleasant these poems were. What first caught my eye was @SugaredSloth 's poem that starts with 

(whispered)

I get scared, too, you know. 

and so on. Very vivid and pleasing to me in its own melancholic way. Tells a story, that's what I like.

I don't often well never put my poems out in the world because I've never found out a good way to do it. It's just worthless moaning mostly but it's therapeutic so.. Anyway here's one:

 

Curses, the heavy burden has implanted itself
On my back, my spine now curved and weary
Unable lift itself to the way it was before

The mold of quasimodo I have fit
Now unable to change, half-teary
Half indifferent to everything

This life will cause me to die over and over again
Will it matter? I am sure
It does some days, but not just this day

I will never change - i will change
I will never change - i will
Turn into something

Why am i so incomplete, so poor
So empty of all soul's strength
To see the difference it could make

Abandoned on this desert of my own creation
Such pleasant sun burning my eyes
Unable to see the nothingness

The road to hell is paved with good intentions
But what if you prefer the pain to contentment
What if you like draining apathy? - To prove that i am undone

Ethereal beings flickering in and out of existence
The true path, the true reason
In distance it shines

Whatever malaise that has taken over me
Will you not let me be? Will you not let me live?
The life i was promised, promised, promised...

Only this flaccid vagueness
Of my own stupidity can lend my brain to spill out these words
Only the depth of my illness can ache me to say this to myself

The ego embalming itself into a rigid structure
To keep me from toiling under darkness
But now i am all empty from the choices that i've done and beg not to be questioned

Shadowborn, unready
I have to find a way to somehow wake up and change something about me
But why is it so hard...

Barely a human now
Barely breathing, just polluting this air
With my foul carbon dioxide

Just stop this wheel from turning, nevermore
Quench this flame from burning
Because soon i am obsolete

And dead
 

[SugaredSloth]

Your writing is absolutely beautiful, @Teemu . I feel more alive after reading your poem... Nothing worthless about that. Thank you for sharing, truly.

[Teemu]

@SugaredSloth

Thanks. =) Since now you've fed my ego I'll post one of the better poems of mine (I think). I dunno. You lose the ability to feel a poem after you've read it a couple times. Then you have to wait months or years until you read it again to get the same kind of feeling. I'm sorry for not complementing all of other good poems people have written here but I feel it would simply take too much of my time. I actually don't even read a lot of other people's poetry. Egoistic maybe or just too tired to invest more time in this. Baudelaire though is my favourite and some of his poems like Be Drunk have given me my intensest poem euphorias.

Also one thing that I feel I'm always struggling with is the correct grammar since English is not my native language. It's a curious thing that I don't really even bother writing in my mother tongue anymore since I feel its vocabulary is so limiting - I already know most of the words! Writing in English is always a challenge since there is just too many words and different synonyms you can use. (but you don't want to overdo it of course)

Too long under the shadow
Of the branched tree
With so many types of
Lemons

What madness drove me to
Nurture such poor nourishment
Keep watering this pillar of poor judgement
Mistakes clustered together

Since the taste of it - so bitter
That bring tears to your eyes
Too long have I suffered
The same displeasure

I have grown too attached to
The shelter of its shadow
Too keen to the darkness
That emanate all of the different colors

Must I have had made this so
Difficult
To pass the fleeting time - sure
But at what cost

To save the worlds from crashing down
To save certainty that I have a place under this sky
May it be forever ridden in curses,
I still have a place where I am wanted

But if for the sake of folly
I would step away from the shade
Of my lemon tree
So tall it has grown, so grand

And travel, not far
To plant another seed
Of something sweeter
An apple, perhaps

Maybe it would one day grow to become
Like the lemon tree I have
And I could at last
Share a different craving

With every minute of passing time
I should be building bridges
Not moats
Taste of them is only lemons

Love is a virtue and so are all good deeds
That grow better tomorrows
Make for better evenings
Keep you warm in the years when those people have passed

They say you should live each day
Like your last
But I say live like your each goodbye
Would be your final

So step on this board
And pivot yourself by the fulcrum
Bring your hopes and dreams closer
Let go of the hate

Edited March 14, 2018 by Teemu
add something I forgot