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creativity-when-depressed-part-two


highanxiety

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Vision for the horizon and we are appreciated,

Creation contemplating if it has been created,

Flesh crawling trying to exchange the facts,

For another season built in this mirror of attacks,

While the Angel can fly I am claimed to a shell,

And my poisoned veins send me back to hell,

Smell the roses, breath the sea of it's oxygen,

But what is even left when we're dead and gone?

Omnipotent has the infinite binding history,

So how can I leave God, where He left me?

 

As a rose falls apart against the grains of sand,

It's beauty holds the key I attempt to understand,

Staring into the sun's combustion collection,

Blinded by the shine without hopes of reflection,

Keep me here and welcome my ghost of war,

Tauros stars but can you tell me what it's for?

Nobody will ever believe that you're actually good,

Nothing here to release you when you know they should,

 

 

 

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7 hours ago, SugaredSloth said:

Self Inflicted

"I don't feel well," I say
As I refuse food for the third straight day
My stomach growls but I don't deserve to eat
And I hate myself for wanting to

"I can't sleep," I yawn
As I rock back and forth on the floor to stay awake
My eyes are haunted by the shadows beneath them
And the nightmares find me anyway

"I'm so alone," I cry
As I lean against the door I just closed between us
The lock clicks against my fingers
And I feel it like a gunshot in my chest

"I'm so cold," I whisper
As I switch off the heat
My teeth are a chattering chorus
And I can't hear your voice anymore

"Everything hurts," I scream
As I bang my head against the wall again
My nails rake at my eyes until they bleed
And the pain echoes what's inside

"I want to die" I think
As I carefully destroy the good in my life
My heart cracks along familiar ridges
And there's no one to blame but me 

This goes on new page :)

Lovely as ever sugar

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Resemblance

It's the same really.
Disagree if you like.
Tell me how it is different.
Maybe then I can believe.

It's not about belief though is it?
When you're dealing with the truth
I can sell it to you
Not with features or benefits

Just facts
Like morsels laid on a path
Leading instead to the same miserable end
That promises of a candied home

Its mirror that separates
Isn't really there
As you can see
It's just the same

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Aftershock

Years of confinement
Of locks with no key
Suffocating in darkness
No air, no energy
I tore through the cage bars
One day, finally free
Not knowing the chains
I'd be taking with me

I remember that first step
From shadow to sun
My throat raw from screaming
My legs tensed to run
But it wasn't what I imagined
New air in dead lungs
It felt like war beginning
Not a battle won

I was finished with drowning
In my mind, I was saved
It was supposed to be easy
This liberation I craved
But it's hard to move forward
After all that I gave
I'm still coughing up water
Though I'm out of the waves

It's taken me months
But I now understand
A feast won't cure the starving
Fire still burns cold hands
A falling tree kiIls grass
Wherever it lands
And an end that I wanted
Still came with ruined plans

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Dear FCC,

Do you see my poem?

I made it just for you,

 

Dear FCC,

I disagree with your proclomation of controling me,

Even if you stop me here you can never tame my spirit,

I am the vagrant trash, an animal showing it's teeth,

I am the pit of existence, the star of the fire reef,

The words I share are no different from the ones you've lost,

Children of hostility, we will wage this war with a cost of nothing,

Maybe you can get on the page on the forum and we can dance,

If I gotta pay for it, pay for it with the thing inside my pants,

Yea, welcome to the dirt, keep dreaming that you can hurt,

But I always knew this place was just too beautiful to be true,

Government red list, operator absence, psychotic bee hive,

Mark my words mister man, this is my damn sand, my grand land,

And if you would just check the comment box, I will show you,

There is nothing you can do to shake our will or our undeniability.

 

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Feeling like a lamb lost inside a Holy Spring,

Slit us for a blessing, fear not of what we bring,

Do your prayers gleam up, or descend into the down,

Is it silence in the night, the death of our sound,

Because all you must do is look around, to see,

This world is in my grasp, ash to ash coffin disaster,

This world has rotated me enough to wage tides,

The good, the bad, all the sides of existing guides,

I use the words that are sharpened best with my teeth,

And soon you will see what this world has made me,

Sing my effigy, my friend, this is the only love I know,

So show me your belief as I spread my wings, sing my effigy,

As you do, dread of our burning judgement convicts,

And the life I led, the words I spoke, the blood I spilt,

Begets me of a suspect that was never good enough,

I praise you my friend, sing with me, this beautiful day,

My effigy, my friend, take me away to the pyramid,

Sing to the obliterated, the God, all the ones you've lost,

The final fatality, crown of dirt death for everybody,

Sing, sing my effigy, because my friend, this is not the end.

 

 

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Let me understand the prolific,
Think about it, what do you think that I could consider precious?
So suspicious, how do you think that I might get away with this?
Suicidal thoughts again, take a picture for the book on your face,
The cycle of life, the cycle of all of my lies, reap what I sow again,
How could you think to ever be better? Maybe I was always asking why,
And just for one more time look at my page and decide my place to die,
Still talking but my neck is just lost in the sauce, loose in the noose,

How can I relate to your question,
We have another episode, then nobody will be there to throw us away,
So let us pray, I always knew I was never humbled for Heaven anyways,
Or so they say, always hated and I don't know what you think it was,
Push come to shove, storm solar systems, what dreams are made of,
Psychopathic path for this demon and it's self destructive anonymity,
Fruits of my humility but you don't know who I am, destiny in my effigy,
Singing in my face again, the bullet leaves my hand, will I make it this time?

So calm you can not fear it,
The lines in my foundation,
Inspired to decline your offer,
Upon my super evil fascination,
The planet growled and then,
I howled into it's midnight blue,
The war drums cried all night long,
I did it all for you and your truth,


Looking into myself I attend,
It doesn't mean much to rot when everyone else suffers the cost to not,
People could probably show you where everything went epidemically wrong,
All you should ever need is my song from the scholar's pillar that I'm on,
Spiked and rectified a slave to their bitter minds, Jesus Christ what a sign, 
Killed the only hope of our paradigm but at least we all get to die in kind,
Abandoned your quest and now I hope your spirit is not part of my design,
Warm sun shine, pretty rainbows, happy parallel universes I leave it all behind,

The only escape is through,
Just not the way I am especially loyal to, putting my desire aside forgetting it,
Then dredging it, the land of the swamp has always been a non benefit ,
Outside my mind, I could see how this looks like I am just another plan,
Another man bent to Hell, hello to the medication that you wish I was on,
But how could I ever create this? How could I ever get a way to dismiss?
Think about it, what do you think that I could consider precious?
So suspicious, how do you think that I might get away with this?

Penalty perfect, I'm a mess,
I feel like I have to walk away,
Walk away from here,
Today in this dreary phase,
Moments like this,
I throw it to the wolves,
Let it speak blood,
And then forget everything.
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Lightening Up

You'll never know
As you have your own
I know you don't get
The rocks I throw

Now it's time to unload
The pounds in my pack
To go ultralight
To handle the trail

But my backpack: alive
So real
And the cards I'm given
I can deal
Off it all comes
Like a peel
Then indirectly
My fate is sealed
 

Edited by Natasha1
Typo
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Turns out its probably not going to happen @SugaredSloth im heartbroken. Ive been trying since November. I was received extremely well at the open mic in october. Then they cancelled november due to a snowstorm and i was stuck doing lesser works unprepared for the still standing open mic. I sucked because i was unprepared. And couldnt go to decembers...

Husband is saying no due to daughter being alone for too long and some of the topics are a bit inappropriate for children so i cant bring her. Plus i have DBT today which is even longer alone time for her.

Im beginning to think this isnt meant to be. And if i go in february my second round piece will be less effective as it is about perceptions of snow. 

Also if february i have a hard time changing my students around on thursdays as those particular students are less flexible than others. The golden thing of today is im mot teaching until next week.

Just another wrecked attempt at doing something i love.

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On a shelf it sits. A heavy tome, bound in rich leather.  Gold fligrees chase each other up and down the spine.  Page edges gleam dully in the low light of the library, light sparkling off of the gilt edges of the heavy parchment.

No title or author grace the plain surface of the binding.

The first page is a riot of color, symbols and forms fantastic.  A story told when the world was new.

Moving on the story forms words.  Tales of learning and adventure grace the pages in large flowing script.

Slowly the story shifts.  Gets darker.  The fine copperplate replaced by heavy gothic and block letters mixed in randomness that makes the story less comprehensible.

The last pages an incoherent scrawl.  Words written hastily and light.  As if the hand was unsure.  Other places bold to the point of tearing holes in paper.  Ink blotted characters, midnight black and blood red.

The story no one will read.  The book showed promise but was ruined by an incompetent author.  A journey with no destination.

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3 hours ago, Natasha1 said:

Turns out its probably not going to happen @SugaredSloth im heartbroken. Ive been trying since November. I was received extremely well at the open mic in october. Then they cancelled november due to a snowstorm and i was stuck doing lesser works unprepared for the still standing open mic. I sucked because i was unprepared. And couldnt go to decembers...

Husband is saying no due to daughter being alone for too long and some of the topics are a bit inappropriate for children so i cant bring her. Plus i have DBT today which is even longer alone time for her.

Im beginning to think this isnt meant to be. And if i go in february my second round piece will be less effective as it is about perceptions of snow. 

Also if february i have a hard time changing my students around on thursdays as those particular students are less flexible than others. The golden thing of today is im mot teaching until next week.

Just another wrecked attempt at doing something i love.

Oh, I hope you can find a way to go. It sounds like such a great opportunity for you, and so worth it for something you love to do.

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@SugaredSloth

I got 2nd! 1st round 4th then made a comeback. Girl who won is experienced and recycled her stuff. I could have recycled my open mic from october but i was told that doing that lessens your chance at winning.

So yeah im a little bitter lol. She decided to enter last minute too. Grrr. At least i beat someone else who is experienced and competing at a big assed slam in a couple of weeks. 

But yeah i am missing the point. Really. Its about sharing and supporting.was a cool experience.

Boy is it ever stressful. I got some really low marks on my first one which surprised me. That piece was my golden ticket in my mind. It sorta hurt when they announced those.

Well on to next time i guess.

Thanks for your support

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  • 3 weeks later...

Devastion revalation,

Apple eater apocalapse,

My dear cold dead world,

Growing into the last of ash,

You are very welcome indeed,

 

Even the sun has betrayed,

Our dreams of better days,

Paint the fire for our Xion,

A place that we can not lose,

Running home just to cry on,

 

Counting on this constilation,

My explanation is implication,

That the beginning was the end,

That this Divine plan was just,

Biding time for ultimate isolation,

 

Rejoice the river of bones,

The lamant that loiter luxury,

A black sky, no Angels tonight,

And it has been my most delight,

To offer insight of our final plight,

 

Everyone lives today, but just dead,

Everyone talks, but all been said,

Do you worship the void?

That endless blackness,

Dark inside the dark inside the dark.

 

 

Edited by glfinding
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Depression is an ocean. 

 

When well, we float on the surface, the swells of the waves reflective of normal ups and downs in mood and function. 

But when depressed, you start to sink. The worse you get the lower you go. The more the pressure of the ocean builds until you feel you can barely move. 

The deeper you go , the less light until you find yourself in the Abyss. Deep, dark, pressure weighing you down 

 

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34 minutes ago, bigtattoo said:

Depression is an ocean. 

 

When well, we float on the surface, the swells of the waves reflective of normal ups and downs in mood and function. 

But when depressed, you start to sink. The worse you get the lower you go. The more the pressure of the ocean builds until you feel you can barely move. 

The deeper you go , the less light until you find yourself in the Abyss. Deep, dark, pressure weighing you down 

 

You capture depression's brutality beautifully in this piece.

It is indeed very much like drowning...

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Listening to the sound of the pitch,

Blind answers are ugly or beautiful,

Contemplation of which one is which,

Seems to clarify a correction from,

The complication of the conflict,

 

Easy for the moon to pull the tide,

Showing you a light ancient in time,

A reflection of fire we offer to guide,

Putting the past in the urn of the ash,

While we all are vagrantly forgotten,

 

Chemical makeup forensic case,

Lithium Heaven and a familar face,

In the  spectrum of every thought,

Can you feel what I am making clear?

That my reputation is unclear to me,

 

Just spinning in circles on this rock,

Magnetized to how I can't reach you,

The decisions of your deeds onto,

My core that isn't there anymore,

The feast of the maggot colony,

 

Another line of more delusions,

Something inside of me haunts me,

But the blood can turn a smile,

And all of the world will be bound,

To the pain that created population.

 

 

 

 

 

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Been scorned very recently. While it was deserved in my past (a particular time of my life that i made the most awful choices...ill live with the regret of what i did the rest of my life and i will never believe that i can be redeemed from it), i dont think it was deserved at all this time.

Foundation

Do you hear me?
No?

My words are silent?
The thing is you need to be listening.

Guess what? There are other places where I AM heard. I actually get people's attention for matters at hand somewhere.

Four of us spoke at the same time. One of the others won out because he is a loud know-it-all show-off which is ok because he has expertise. He loves the spotlight.

But guess what? Even being interrupted, the organizer/vice-president looked at me expectantly even though motor mouth was still  ranting. My turn would come in seconds.

You see, I have my own expertise. And what I have to say matters. What I need is the right audience. No longer will I be ignored. I'm taking a stand for something and people want to hear me. They want to listen to me. They know I can contribute and are interested in me doing so.

So guess what? As much as plans were carried out to tear me down, it can't be done.  There is always someone who is out to get me and I will not allow it any longer.

I will choose where to speak. I am no longer limited to one place. A new world is open and I have arrived.

My wall is up.  My bricks are in place and they are holding. The mortar is stable. If they try to tear it down? I'll rebuild. Again and again.

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The thing I struggle with the most is my pretty crazy past.  I've learned a lot about acceptance, and steps to take to mourn from the things that trouble me.  But I can't let go just how bad I have been most of my life.  I wonder if I'm even a good person most of my days, even though I do good. And every now and then I do get bit in my butt from the past, running into old enemies, old friends who were really enemies.

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Edited last one. Unsure of title yet.



Listening to the sound of the pitch to demonstrate,
How our pathological answers are ugly or beautiful,
Contemplation of which one is which or are the same,
Seems to clarify a correction from the complication of the conflict,
Swinging pendulum orbiting my sacred pyramid,


Easy for the moon to pull the tide far away from the sun,
Showing you a light ancient in time that hasn't yet begun,
A reflection of the fire we offer to guide our shady past,
Turning into the inside of the urn from our ash that we mass,
Becoming vagrant ghosts like the rest of the dead forgotten,


Chemical makeup forensic case I think I missed a face,
Lithium Heaven in between here and a Devil's place,
In the  spectrum of every thought don't you like it here?
Am I beginning to make it all so very clear to the endear?
That my reputation is not very clear by the absolutely daunted, 
 

Just spinning in circles on this rock in a state of violent shock,
Magnetized to how I can't reach you in my apocalypse anyways,
The decisions of your deeds onto my core that isn't there anymore,
The feast of the maggot colony festive calamity spirit vitality,
Just another generation succumbed to the mass arbitration,

 
Forming lines of more delusions something inside of me haunts me,
But the blood can turn a smile living your cookie cutter philosophy,
And all of the world will be bound to the temper ground we made,
To the pain that created population we found this proclamation,
The force to get out of here is becoming stronger every passing moment.
Edited by glfinding
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