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creativity-when-depressed-part-two


highanxiety

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17 hours ago, glfinding said:

Thx :)

Havent wrote a free verse in a while. Seems like it flows good. So glad to see your comment this morning.  Remembering our good ol times in the chat. That sure did help me a lot, a mix of jokes and growth. Wasnt so lonely. Special are the connections we get to make.

No like button has been k illin me. Especially on this thread.

Me too it's too bad no one chats anymore . Msg anytime:) Hope u are doing ok. Keep up the writing 💙 

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A fire born for redemption,

To inspire the spiral of reason,

Or for it's opposite circle,

The masterful chaotic season,

This fire sits on top of my dream,

Flickering to the drum of reaction,

Feel the pain it needs to radiate,

Bonding the chemical attraction,

This is the war to end all wars,

An eternal struggle of sacrafice,

Staring into it's blinding nucleus,

Chained to it's oranic solar lights,

I look up into the dark night sky,

How far does that blackness go?

Measuring the distance with loss,

But I fan the flame and watch it grow,

The particles wrap and warp to me,

Teaching me the eternal meaning,

A fallen king, a golden ghost,

In the fire thats keeps on redeeming.

 

Edited by glfinding
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I end up editing these onto another forum.  But I don't mind the mistakes here.  This is the life we know.  Things in the past aren't aloud to ever change.  I recently hit 1000 views on one of my poems. I wrote it a while ago. Titled "The Cure To Everything".  Once it got viewed a few hundred times, I made it a goal to try and hit 1k.  My view is this; if at least just one person reads one of my poems all the way through, and has a thought process, even if they don't feel the way I feel or understand what I'm trying to say, for that one moment I have connected with that person.  Has always meant a lot for me to be here with you guys, who are also goin through the struggle, posting the goodies with me.

Read that the web master is gravely sick.  Death must be the hardest part about this life.  Maybe not actually dying, but the idea of it at least.  Guess I'm finally getting scared of death, took long enough. But hope he defeats it. 

Edited by glfinding
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  • 3 weeks later...

Has your time been a sacrafice,

Just blood under the knife?

For a bitter fight with an Angel,

Sent here to take away your life,

These moments before your end,

Desperate dreams for another day,

You will ask where did the time go,

Regretting life before taken away,

They have seen it for endless years,

So they think they know first hand,

That memories are our only future,

Dust to dust for the son of the man,

Straight into my grave,

With the only truth.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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It's fine, I'm fine

Pain by my design

I don't mind

The blood if I

Can breathe

...if I'm free

I'll drag myself

Through fields

Of barbed wire

To feel alive

One more time

It's fine, I'm fine

I'm just on fire

And it's true that I'm

Afraid sometimes

To fall asleep

And dream

Of better things

Worse, I think

Than the terror

Night often brings

When I can wake up

Relieved

It's fine, I'm fine

Aren't I

Even though

The days move slow

And sorrow flows

Faster through borrowed time

It's still mine

I decide

If I devise

These plans alone

Or if I

Just let go

It's fine, I'm fine

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There is no reflection in this fight,

Just my blade without the moon light,

Watching my own peacefulness squirm,

All my contention, all it wants is to burn,

So go ahead and keep talking to me,

As if you've landed in some realm of importance,

Just remember, I never asked to be here,

Chisel it on my ****ing tomb stone,

 

Slitting throats, all you do is hold your breath,

I wiil thrash, I will violently push upon your death,

And if I die before I wake, pray the Lord,

My soul to bake, in Hell for another's sake,

Does Heaven get to read this?

I just need deliver this message,

To the one that paid for all my sins,

Tell him my conviction has always waivered,

 

No matter how cold I end up becoming,

Dripping warm blood ends up ruling my nothing,

Fix my frown with the thorns upon thy crown,

Like a world gone wrong, love towns and gun sounds,

The pressure of this existence,

The endless pain creation creates,

Just another definition of weapon,

Loving me in reverse, for my aggression,

 

You think this is my first time?

Someone like me that lives,

No matter what you think,

My words will die right along,

Die with me, but not before,

Not before I get to honor them.

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On 2017-10-26 at 4:50 PM, glfinding said:

There is no reflection in this fight,

Just my blade without the moon light,

Watching my own peacefulness squirm,

All my contention, all it wants is to burn,

So go ahead and keep talking to me,

As if you've landed in some realm of importance,

Just remember, I never asked to be here,

Chisel it on my ****ing tomb stone,

 

Slitting throats, all you do is hold your breath,

I wiil thrash, I will violently push upon your death,

And if I die before I wake, pray the Lord,

My soul to bake, in Hell for another's sake,

Does Heaven get to read this?

I just need deliver this message,

To the one that paid for all my sins,

Tell him my conviction has always waivered,

 

No matter how cold I end up becoming,

Dripping warm blood ends up ruling my nothing,

Fix my frown with the thorns upon thy crown,

Like a world gone wrong, love towns and gun sounds,

The pressure of this existence,

The endless pain creation creates,

Just another definition of weapon,

Loving me in reverse, for my aggression,

 

You think this is my first time?

Someone like me that lives,

No matter what you think,

My words will die right along,

Die with me, but not before,

Not before I get to honor them.

👍👍👍 

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The mirror is silent

Like the words I think

Say 

Hear

Trick of the light

Sleight of hand

The useless hand

Impotent mind

Empty words

No one there within

Disconnection

Dislocation

Loser

Freak

If only they knew

But it would make no difference

 

A mirror is just a mirror

But the splinters 

Hurt

My 

Knuckles

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Death Sonnet

Flashing images from the flicker of the fire,
Desintegrating the stones in my hour glass,
Stepping into my ghost but not to get higher,
Embraced in this conflict for which we pass,

This small time that we have leads to panic,
Too many stars in the years for us to count,
Infinite time lines daring the physical fanatic,
A coffin of dust ascends to what we amount,

Nightmares of this life begging me to dream,
Flowing with the promise that we will all die,
Rotating violence ripping waves into stream,
My spirit has drowned with attempts to deny,

Carressing this book obssessed with it's page,
I equate my death like it's the end of the age
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I conspire on top of my little circle,

My selected reflection of elections,

Terroist aristocrat psycho psychic,

I move inside my succumbing circle,

Tis the season of the single reason,

Stay with me and let it fade away,

This started many days before me,

A sea of endless effigy inside infinity,

Rephrase your fake forgiveness,

My fellowship cast to follow forever,

Deflect me, Direct me, dissatisfied,

Protect me, elect me, just darkness,

 

The Book Of Life,

Here on this circle,

I am back again,

On this circle end,

 

My thoughts shake the weary,

But do not become the atom,

Seems to be some kind of sum,

Turning into this perfect phantom,

Madness is the circle, I know it,

Dredging along the swampy island,

Promised songs to right the wrongs,

An inception of notions that condone,

Constant motions forward progression,

But can you really even think that?

This book ceases the age, an empty page,

Oh God I just hate believing, You know.

 

 

 

 

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Niles of the night ripping upon the forces,

Beckoning again onto my life's magnet,

We spin in rotation around what kills serenity,

Gripping the moon to create the astral tidings,

Our sun and the nature of it's vagrant beasts,

Pilgrims watching this place burn in it's destiny,

Redemption flowing through your heart,

But falling in gravity has already happened,

So we circle the whorls of our idle enemy,

A decision rectified by the fascinated isolation,

Rotting the life on an axis of what will become,

A brilliant bitter end for this perfect anatomy.

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When my depression is the worst, I find I can write my version of poetry.

I wrote this for my girlfriend who died of an over dose.  Nothing like waking up and finding a corpse lying next to you.

For Her

Desolation:

I look out upon a world

Colored back and grey,

Alone.

I feel pain

The hurt burns

Eating away at me

A knife twisting in my guts.

Despair:

I long for death

To to join you...

Freedom:

From this agony

Closing my eyes

I see you lying there

Cold and blue and lifeless.

Our last kiss,

No feeling

No life

Only death...

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God

I look at the world

Through weary eyes.

I am tired of struggling

And hearing all the lies

That tell me "All will be well"

"Put your trust in god,

He'll save you from Hell".

"God hears and answers prayers" they say

"Knock and it shall be opened,

Ask and ye shall be the receiver."

And yet no matter how much you pray

You get no answer from god the Great Deceiver.

And when I question the way things are,

They quote their scriptures and rationalize

By giving me platitudes, Trite phrases

And tell me even more lies

Of how god love us, everyone

"Why he even sacrificed his son!"

But when I look around this world I see

The pain, the suffering, the indignity.

Why worship a god who lets this be?

I think I'd rather become a Druid

And dance naked around a tree!

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Colors

Black is the color of my tortured soul,

Deep and dark as the deepest hole.

Red is the color of my angry rage,

Fiery and terrible when it escapes its cage.

Blue is the color of my sorrow and fears,

Flowing like a river with my tears.

White is the color of my frozen heart,

Scarred and battered and torn apart.

Grey is the color of my life,

Drab and dreary and full of strife.

 

These are the colors that surround me.

These are the colors that confound me.

No bright shades of yellow or green,

No pretty colors anywhere to be seen.

Just the colors of darkness, Ice and Blood,

Sweeping over me like a flood;

Washing over me and dragging me down

Holding me under until I drown.

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Lies My Mother Told Me

When I was young

My mother told me about Santa Claus.

How he would bring toys

To good little girls and boys.

I believed with all my heart.

I asked him for toys and things he never would bring.

I didn't know about being poor

I just knew he let me down.

When I was Young

My mother told me about the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy too.

I believed her; My mother would never lie.

And then I learned the truth.

When I was young

My mother told me about god.

How he would answer prayers

And help in time of need.

I believed with all my heart.

I prayed and prayed

Until my knees began to bleed.

He let me down like Santa

In days gone by.

I look at my life and shake my head

And wonder "Why?"

Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and god

Lies my mother told me.

 

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Who has the heart and the personal courage,

To k ill the bear and pillage on it's pourage?

Thier breath is wasted but mine is a trial,

I won't cry and beg over it's life of duo denial,

That my hood is stronger and better yet,

A stolen hunger to repay my vital debt,

 

I have wondered if I have honored my hall of words,

My hate has grown colder than a hoard of swords,

It is the plan of Divinity that I spread my crow wings,

Singing to my audience for what the painful brings,

My sights see red and suicidal trumpets sound,

But I live to die another day in this life that I am bound.

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It feels like some kind of sum,

To be a red phantom inside your rose,

Because I don't wanna be another victim of time as minutes clock and it grows,

I know if you were alive,

You would pluck the apple from the tree,

But I don't wanna be another attempt at your experiment to feel the fear and be free,

The only answer you seem to grasp,

Is to acknowledge that we are a disease,

But I don't wanna be another sacrafice to subjugation drowning on my knees,

 

So smile for black cameras,

I am fine with k illing time,

Just smile for the painful,

Line it all up to gleaming rhyme,

Talking to bullets in the end,

I begin to think I am destroyed,

M urder planet hotel hallway,

Today this happens in dismay,

 

In hundreds of billions of years,

Space will spread the light apart,

Because I believe the dawn you praise is just a jaded haze of our destined graves,

Look upon the bright light of the stars,

It's old cold story explained in it's scars,

But I believe I can begin to scratch the surfaces of your belief and then we can stain the glass,

These solar situations offer nails,

Sailing to a promised land on grails,

But there is no more systems for these machines to conquer our bitterness,

 

So smile for our lonely fate,

I'm fine with a single find,

Just smile for the painful,

My favorite lasting chemical,

This place will burn you forever,

No matter how cold you become,

It feels like some kind of sum,

To be torn from the Book Of Life.

 

 

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Self Inflicted

"I don't feel well," I say
As I refuse food for the third straight day
My stomach growls but I don't deserve to eat
And I hate myself for wanting to

"I can't sleep," I yawn
As I rock back and forth on the floor to stay awake
My eyes are haunted by the shadows beneath them
And the nightmares find me anyway

"I'm so alone," I cry
As I lean against the door I just closed between us
The lock clicks against my fingers
And I feel it like a gunshot in my chest

"I'm so cold," I whisper
As I switch off the heat
My teeth are a chattering chorus
And I can't hear your voice anymore

"Everything hurts," I scream
As I bang my head against the wall again
My nails rake at my eyes until they bleed
And the pain echoes what's inside

"I want to die" I think
As I carefully destroy the good in my life
My heart cracks along familiar ridges
And there's no one to blame but me 

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