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creativity-when-depressed-part-two


highanxiety

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Some Day:

 

Scared, no where to go

find only dead ends

people with blank faces

not understood, no one knows

 

I'm blinded by bad memories and regret,

wishing they could be washed away,

like a wave erasing imprints on a beach,

wishing with time and therapy I will forget.

 

But I don't forget as hard as I try.

Numbed by medication 

and comforting words.

Only tears, and the hope

someday I will know why.

 

Some say the Pacific Ocean has no memory.

When living by the Pacific sometime

I could hear a faint call

A call beginning as a whisper, a cry, then a scream.

 

A scream telling me to wake up

out of this endless dream.

A scream to reset and begin a new tomorrow,

A scream to cast away these demons once and for all.

 

Some day I pray I'll wake up, with good memories and feelings 

all I can recall.  And I will be well.

 

Some day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Where's my faith 

 

Where did it go? 

I gave up too soon. 

Settled for the ease of it all.

Never believed in the autumn leaves.

 

Puddles of could have beens and what ifs stand in my way.

Good thing I love getting wet.

Because I'll jump in every single one.

 

Curiosity never killed this cat.

Just made him twist and turn on his back.

Falling through destiny's ceiling - 

I don't mind the gutter as long as I have you.

 

 

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What happened to me?

I search for answers, trying to see

As an adult, I’m stumbling hard, trying to get through it all

Why did he follow me every day?

Why did he notice me? How did I get away?

 

She hurt me with words, I kept a list in my room

his anger made me frightened, my closet was safe

 

I couldn’t understand many things, what was wrong with me?

I lacked a solid foundation, the tools I needed to survive, to thrive

 

I hurt myself, I hurt others

I got this far, not sure how

I shouldn't be here, after how many times I’ve tried

 

I am covered with shame

I am in fear of life

I am self destructive

I am still fighting the fight

 

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This is an oldie, but I still feel this way sometimes.  When will it end?

 

I walk naked
through what's left of hope.

As a child seeks touches
from his mothers hands

I seek a little refuge
a little sleep.

Inert
in silence of my own
making
this arbitrary life
won't end.

I pull shades
against the twilight sky.

There is no way out of the darkness.

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23 hours ago, Abandonedalways said:

Fantastic poem Ha. I pray that you do wake up and all is well someday my friend. Just like so many of us, I wish the pain would go. Great work, keep fighting the good fight. I'm pulling for you.

Thanks AA.  Things have been particularly bad emotionally compounded by all the shootings and bombings the past couple of weeks.  I am trying to fight as hard as I can, but my ambition and drive is lessened if this is the world I have to live in.  

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I am a big fan of Jimi Hendrix.  Always have been from my teens till now.  His music and sound can never be replicated, and will live forever.  The lyrics to his songs are brilliant.   I'm posting the lyrics to one of his many called "Manic Depression".  It registers with me as do most of his songs.  So since I have no writing ideas right now, I thought I would share this with you:

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/jimihendrix/manicdepression.html

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Selfish.

 

Dangled in front of me like a golden ring.

Around and around I go.

Outstretched arms bandaged up from years of breaks.

 

You always were the one waiting for the truth.

 

The music rings in my ears.

Echoing the pain I’ve felt -

Forever more.

Lights and motion carry me away.

 

You always were the one who knew me.

 

You make the day fall away.

An impressionist,

You’ve painted your picture.

Question is, can I own it?

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Why me is what I ask myself every night

Did I do something wrong in my past life

Thinking bout death, wish I could take that flight

But it leads straight to hell, fire, darkness, no light

It will all get better, that's what they say right

The light at the end of the tunnel must be too bright

Got my vision impaired no happiness in sight

I just wanna lay on some train tracks and close my eyes

Wish I could wear a disguise, happiness I despise

Come take a walk in my shoes and look thru my eyes

I pray all the time, sometimes there's no reply

He may not come when you want him, but he'll be right on time

This thing called life, I tried to figure it out

But Life is a Biotch, might have to dump her now

 

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On 6/25/2016 at 10:00 AM, womanofthelight said:

Damn!  This is amazing.  So full of emotion.

Thank you so much! Sometimes I'm not sure if I get too off track in trying to keep to a theme so it means a lot that my emotional content was accessible.

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On 6/25/2016 at 7:55 AM, SugaredSloth said:

I just discovered this thread, and I do a lot of writing, so... Here goes.

I call this one "Dear Depression" 


I can't breathe with you around,
Because you fill the air with sorrow
That clings, heavy, to my skin
Like a smothering shroud
And I just can't breathe

Man, I really enjoyed this piece. Not only the content but I'm a big fan of repetition and I really liked the way you tied the first and last lines of each verse together. As always I give bonus points for appealing to my idiosyncrasies, haha. Good to have you in the thread SS!

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On 6/25/2016 at 3:34 PM, SugaredSloth said:

I love this.

That Frost poem is my favorite (I mean, I literally named my kid Miles after it), and what you did here is incredible. Seriously, great job, dog. 

Thanks, that really means a lot. Especially since you're a fan of the original poem (it's so good!). I didn't want to make a random reference to the poem that didn't apply but I thought the ocean imagery kinda fit with the theme. So thanks again for the kind words :)

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On 6/26/2016 at 0:54 PM, SugaredSloth said:

I wrote this for my brother...

"Things We Lost"

Remind me what it felt like to be free
To be clean and innocent   
Help me remember the days of joy 
That we lost when we were young

This hit me really hard... I have a lot of issues relating to my childhood... mostly it being taken from me at a young age. Sometimes I find myself wondering if I'll ever get that time back, so many years I feel like I'm owed... but I know the answer is always no. Thanks for writing this piece.

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On 6/25/2016 at 10:33 PM, highanxiety said:

The Lake:

 

I sat on the river bank in awe of the lake,

so blue, translucent, an entity unto itself.

The lake was so calm it reflected everything,

 the forest, passing clouds, as much beauty it could take.

 

It looked unreal, like a mirror of blue.

a looking glass of sorts.  

Like a body of water turned solid,

easily broke, easily bruised.

 

I threw a small pebble 

and the impact was spectacular,

an endless ripple of circles

emerging, so powerful yet so subtle.

 

I stood up hearing the wind whisper sounds

of swaying branches and the song of birds.

And then glanced in the lake to see my reflection,

discovering an image not of me, but one soon to be found.

 

An image smiling, displaying happiness and joy.

An image showing hope there is a bright 

future ahead.  One not full of sorrow and regret,

one not reflecting my inability to enjoy.

 

Perhaps this magical encounter,

seeing my new self in the looking glass,

either real or illusion,

will open the right door I can finally enter.

Damn man... that was some powerful imagery. You kinda took me there for a minute, I wish I coulda stayed...

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On 6/27/2016 at 0:45 PM, Abandonedalways said:

Fini~

 

My pedestal, my ruin. 

Dust covered sanctuary. 

Sand dunes to cover the scars of martyrs.

 

Save me from my ruin. 

Acid rain has washed away my resolve. 

 

Forrest full of hidden objects. 

A grotto full of ancient waters. 

I'll never ascend, I've fallen too far. 

 

Call me by the lesser known name. 

Sins drowned in small mouths. 

If you put mud on my eyes, will I see again?

 

Weighing the result of fortune. 

My scale is forever uneven. 

You cannot balance this scale without conscience. 

 

My pedestal, my ruin. 

Dust covered sanctuary. 

Sand dunes to cover the scars of martyrs.

 

Will you lend me your fear again? 

Dude, I almost don't know what to say about this one. You know how we've talked about having those "damn it, why didn't I write that?!" moments? Deja vu. I loved the cryptic imagery so much. Sometimes I feel like my writing can be a bit conventional... and your ability here to convey so many emotions in such an abstract way gave me a bit of writer's envy. Fantastic stuff.

I've gotta get my sh*t together and start writing again, haha. I took a week off and you guys all put me to shame!

And sorry to everyone for my page full of posts, there were just too many good things posted and I had to catch up! A lot of new faces posting here, it was good to come back to.

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33 minutes ago, Dog said:

Man, I really enjoyed this piece. Not only the content but I'm a big fan of repetition and I really liked the way you tied the first and last lines of each verse together. As always I give bonus points for appealing to my idiosyncrasies, haha. Good to have you in the thread SS!

Thank you, Dog!

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Wrote this one today. I was in a rather low energy mood today so I think the song kinda reflects that. Sort of a quiet echo of a song in my mind. Depression can alter your reality and truths when it takes over your mind. I guess this song is the "depressed you" telling the "real you" to give up. Life is a struggle you won't win. It demands more from you than you have to give. Depressed you sees the "truth" the real you can't, hence "when it hurts it's all clearer". Crimson King is a slight nod to Steven King's "The Dark Tower" as the Crimson King was his embodiment of evil. I suppose sometimes depression is my personal Crimson King.

 

CRIMSON KING

One more day

Feel the weight

Every thought

That you hate

 

Seeking truth

Through the lies

Seeing through

Blinded eyes

 

So let go

Of the strife

Begging you

Please don’t fight

 

Cause when it hurts it’s all clearer

Oh ah ah ah ah, mmmmmmm (x4)

Oh, when it hurts it’s all clearer

 

They demand

One more breath

Every time

Feels like death

 

Try again

Blood from stone

Grinding down

Flesh from bone

 

Blackened clouds

Overhead

Not long now

Join the dead

 

Cause when it hurts it’s all clearer

Oh ah ah ah ah, mmmmmmm (x4)

Oh, when it hurts it’s all clearer

 

Struggle then

For your life

Deeper now

Goes the knife

 

One more flick

Of the wrist

One more twist

Hurts like this

 

Punctured lungs

Rattled gasps

Bite your tongue

It won’t last

 

Cause when it hurts it’s all clearer

Oh ah ah ah ah, mmmmmmm (x4)

Oh, when it hurts it’s all clearer

 

Bleeding out

Dripping down

Cross my brow

Crimson crowned

 

Bloodied throne

Crimson king

This the song

That I sing

 

I sing truth

I sing lies

Crimson now

My disguise

 

Cause when it hurts it’s all clearer

Oh ah ah ah ah, mmmmmmm (x4)

Oh, when it hurts it’s all clearer

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Whyme, first and foremost welcome to the thread! Thank you for sharing with us. I often ask myself why me a lot also, I hope this becomes a great therapeutic outlet for you, like it has so many others.

Dog dog dog! My man. 

 

Seeing truth through lies. 

Always seeking sometimes never understanding - the curtain behind the eyes. 

 

Sorry for riding your wave, I really like the poem though, and as always your introductions are so very welcomed here. You more than anyone else is able to make me see inside their head ever so slightly.

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Firstly, dog, your writing is engaging, creative, and not conventional in the least. From my prospective. To continue my ode to dog, this poem is about waiting. About not knowing. And what ever else spews forth. Or it might be about grocery stores! Let's find out.

======

Waiting is agonys doorstep.

I'm that mat.

Stripping my soul of all dark matter.

You might mistake me for the mad hatter.

 

Costume change for the celestial ball.

Lookie over there, it's madam longings wall. 

Adorned with all the broken hearts of every snapped harp string.

 

Miss mystery is making a speech,

She wants to know who to keep.

Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now.

 

Eternity will always sleep.

For the universe rotates on axis that weep.

Four ladies tied to each plane.

I'll wait until your moon wanes. 

 

 

 

Edited by Abandonedalways
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10 hours ago, WhyMe9 said:

Why me is what I ask myself every night

Did I do something wrong in my past life

Thinking bout death, wish I could take that flight

But it leads straight to hell, fire, darkness, no light

It will all get better, that's what they say right

The light at the end of the tunnel must be too bright

Got my vision impaired no happiness in sight

I just wanna lay on some train tracks and close my eyes

Wish I could wear a disguise, happiness I despise

Come take a walk in my shoes and look thru my eyes

I pray all the time, sometimes there's no reply

He may not come when you want him, but he'll be right on time

This thing called life, I tried to figure it out

But Life is a Biotch, might have to dump her now

 

WhyMe9:  Great user name.  Great work.  I feel so much like you.  I'm glad you contributed this wonderful piece and will continue.  Love to see more!

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4 hours ago, Dog said:

Wrote this one today. I was in a rather low energy mood today so I think the song kinda reflects that. Sort of a quiet echo of a song in my mind. Depression can alter your reality and truths when it takes over your mind. I guess this song is the "depressed you" telling the "real you" to give up. Life is a struggle you won't win. It demands more from you than you have to give. Depressed you sees the "truth" the real you can't, hence "when it hurts it's all clearer". Crimson King is a slight nod to Steven King's "The Dark Tower" as the Crimson King was his embodiment of evil. I suppose sometimes depression is my personal Crimson King.

 

CRIMSON KING

One more day

Feel the weight

Every thought

That you hate

 

Seeking truth

Through the lies

Seeing through

Blinded eyes

 

So let go

Of the strife

Begging you

Please don’t fight

 

Cause when it hurts it’s all clearer

Oh ah ah ah ah, mmmmmmm (x4)

Oh, when it hurts it’s all clearer

 

They demand

One more breath

Every time

Feels like death

 

Try again

Blood from stone

Grinding down

Flesh from bone

 

Blackened clouds

Overhead

Not long now

Join the dead

 

Cause when it hurts it’s all clearer

Oh ah ah ah ah, mmmmmmm (x4)

Oh, when it hurts it’s all clearer

 

Struggle then

For your life

Deeper now

Goes the knife

 

One more flick

Of the wrist

One more twist

Hurts like this

 

Punctured lungs

Rattled gasps

Bite your tongue

It won’t last

 

Cause when it hurts it’s all clearer

Oh ah ah ah ah, mmmmmmm (x4)

Oh, when it hurts it’s all clearer

 

Bleeding out

Dripping down

Cross my brow

Crimson crowned

 

Bloodied throne

Crimson king

This the song

That I sing

 

I sing truth

I sing lies

Crimson now

My disguise

 

Cause when it hurts it’s all clearer

Oh ah ah ah ah, mmmmmmm (x4)

Oh, when it hurts it’s all clearer

Dog, this song really blew me away.  It tells so much, so deeply, so much from the soul.  Thanks for this and the others you have posted.  I thought you may be taking another break but glad to see you back.  Like you said the thread seems to be attracting more and more members.  I think it is a success and hopefully therapeutic for those contributing, and those reading.

And thanks for your comments about "The Lake" piece I wrote.  This lake does exist and all of it actually happened.   

Glad you are back, and hope all is well,

HA

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