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sober4life

I want to know the real answer

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I want the real answer of why I'm not good enough.  People can look over all of my posts if they want but once and for all I want to know the real answer.  People can be as brutally honest as they want to be here.  I don't care.  I think that is what is needed here.  I want to know the real reason why I am always alone.  I keep asking people this question but I never get a straight answer.  I can't be alone anymore.  I want a normal life more than anything.   I need help to get there.  Being alone kills me.  It's the reason why I drink every single time.   I don't understand it really.  The answer is always no.  I guess it wasn't always that way.  I don't have a problem attracting women but then we talk and then it goes nowhere.  I have spent many years of my life reclusive because of my mental illness and I fear my communication skills are not good.  I'm always confident though and honest with them.  I need to be confident but I have no problem with confidence.  When I like someone they know it but they want no part of it.  Yes I am over the top sometimes.  I don't know I need help.  I want to find the perfect someone for me.  It's what I have always wanted.  I fear my problem is being the good guy well that's who I am.  I can't be the a****** ever!  I don't understand why so many women seem to want to be treated like crap by the a******.  It's very frustrating to me.  I think of this one girl I really like.  I treat her well and talk to her about her a****** boyfriend but she can't wait to go back to him.  I don't get it!

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This is what we were talking about in the other thread you just posted on, about good guys and good girls meeting. You asked for brutal honesty so here we go. You treat your friend well, but she has every right to choose her partner, you don't automatically get her because you are nice to her. That is not how human attraction works. The thing you are witnessing with your friend is called "traumatic bonding", and both men and women are equally susceptible so it's not just women going for jerks, it's just human behavior and it can be incredibly difficult to break. Men are less likely to talk about being abused by women because society is not very accepting of it due to sexism, but it happens just as often to men.

Traumatic bonding is a literal addiction to another person and like with any other drug, there is no way to make her quit until she realizes it for herself. Even if and when she does realize that her addiction to him is bad, don't expect her to fall for you. She still has a right to choose her partner then, and if she isn't attracted to you she simply isn't, that is all there is to it. So if you are only friends with her because you think there is a chance you might get into her pants one day, do her a favor and be honest with her, and don't string her along any longer having her believe that you are a genuine friend to her. It is something which happens all too often to women and sometimes we only get to know the real motive years down the line. It is heartbreaking to say the least.

Right now there are a whole lot of 'I's in your post, but a relationship should not really be about you, it should be about the other person and you two together. So, first you have to realize that you are not entitled to a woman or a relationship. No one is. You are viewing it from the wrong angle, one which is the reason so many relationships fail and why divorce rates are so high. You should consider yourself lucky if you meet someone with whom you want to share your life, and who equally wants to share hers with you. That is far from a given in life and being single is also by far better than settling just to attain a feeling or appearance of normalcy, or for a sense of worthiness.

You have probably heard this cliché a million times already but it bears repeating, you should be happy being single before you consider dating, or you will come off as desperate. I don't know about men, but women can pick up on that feeling of despair no matter how well you think you are hiding it, so get rid of that first. Most emotionally healthy women will reject you when they pick up on it but the less morally inclined can end up using you instead.

This is the catch-22 of relationships. In order to have a healthy relationship you have to not feel an excessive need for a relationship in the first place. When you want a relationship for superficial reasons or for emotional support and healing you will end up either without one or in an unhappy one because you are willing to settle for someone who is willing to settle for you, so you are two unhappy people trying to draw emotional energy from each other, when you should both have an excess of it in the first place so you can feed it to each other and grow stronger together. :)

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Thank you I want more posts like this please.  I don't want anyone to hold anything back.  This is exactly what I wanted.  I don't expect to get anyone.  I don't expect anything really.  When I say I'm a real friend I mean it. I will always say what I really want in life.  I will never act like a friend.

Edited by sober4life

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I do need to be with someone because everyone has gone away.  They left me.  The quiet is all I hear.  I'm such a mess that everyone is gone.  I have driven everyone away.  I'm completely alone in this world.  I get desperate for love because nobody has ever loved me not even family.

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I always feel a coldness from people.  They feel nothing for me so I go away.  I try to fit in but I'm never allowed to fit in to any group.  I'm always quickly pushed out of the group.  I'm always the outcast.  I always feel like the stray dog.  I always try to fit in but I always fail over and over again.

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I honestly don't know the answer to your question Sober4life.  I've followed your posts and read them for a long time but even with all the information, I just don't know what the answer is.  So sorry I cannot be helpful.  To me you are a wonderful person.  So I am saddened that I cannot help you with this.  Sorry.  - epictetus

Edited by Epictetus

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People will say I need to fix my mental health.  There is no reasonable way that exists right now.   I don't refuse treatment because I don't want to be better.  I refuse treatment because the cure is absurd!  I want my mental health symptoms to go away but I can not throw my physical health in the trash to get it.

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Honestly my response would have been better suited for someone who doesn't suffer from mental health issues. I really should have better taken into consideration the context and I am terribly sorry if my post seemed insensitive to anyone on here. I don't suffer from any mental illness other than comparatively mild SAD which hardly compares, so I have no idea how to offer help or advice to someone who suffers from deep depression. :( I really hope things get better for you! :hugs:

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