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TRIGGER WARNING... THIS POST DISCUSSES EATING DISORDERS

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Yeah, so I don't usually fill these out... Introductions, that is. 

I really have no idea what to say here....

I just joined this forum because I was hoping I could find someone to talk to about my various depression related issues. Sometimes, it's hard to tell which came first... you know?

At the moment, I'm really struggling with quite a few things.

For one, I've been struggling with anorexic behaviors. I'm not really that underweight though... Like, I'm 5'2' [weigh omitted]. Which isn't THAT skinny. And if you saw me without clothes, you'd definitely think I was chubby.... :/

That aside, I've also been struggling with self harm- specifically hitting my self. I used to cut, but now I just punch myself... 

I get so angry. I never used to be angry... like, I used to just "implode" and cry. But now I get mad at every little thing... 

Nothing appeals any more. I used to have a lot of hobbies, but most of the time, I just want to sleep now. :(

But, the biggest thing, was that on Oct. 9 this year... was the day I planned to end my life

The entirety of the week before, I felt numb. I'd had feelings of numbness before, but this was the worst by far. I felt like I was watching my life on a tv screen- that I wasn't even real or something. 

I attempted before (a half-assed attempt, mind you, that was more of a cry for help than anything), but this time was serious.

I had a bottle of pills and a bottle of alcohol. At 12:30, when no one was home, I was going to chug-a-lug the whole of each...

But...

I have this one online friend. Just goes to show how pathetic my life is, huh? I have no RL friends... But, I felt bad for this one online friend. What if it actually works? If I die...? She'll wonder the first day when I don't log in... then by day two, she'll start to be worried. She'll miss me after day 3... then she'll know something is wrong.

I didn't want to do that to my friend. The more I thought about it, the more I couldn't help but think about my friend and how she would react...

So, I didn't follow through with my plan.

But now... I just can't stand my life. I don't want to do my plan anymore, but... I don't know how to make my life better... 

I can't die, but I can't live, either. :(

I'm just stuck in this hell that I can't get out from!

I have no one to talk to IRL. I've been to therapy (it sucked). I have no friends. My family... well, it's complicated (who's isn't?).

And I feel like a pathetic piece of for having to turn to the internet for help... but...

Nice to meet you, I guess... :S

 

Edited by 20YearsandCounting
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Hey ThatEmptyFeeling :)

You don't have to feel pathetic or ashamed to turn to the internet for help. Through the screen are real life humans with issues and pain too. It is good for us to band together and help one another out. So welcome to the forum, now you have way more than just 1 online friend :)

I always send people to these posts to give them ideas on how to feel better. 

There are also forums related specifically for anorexia so you may also get a lot of help there too.

A book I read last year called Your Soul's Gift explains the story of a girl named Mikaela. She suffered from horrible nightmares, depression, bi-polar disorder and bulimia.

The book goes into further explanation about the reasons for her symptoms. She names some of the therapies she used to overcome her issues. I haven't tried them but if they helped her maybe they are useful.

*This is not medical advice but I'm just sharing what the modalities are.

She started by doing 'Focusing' by Eugene Gendlin and had success with that. The premise behind this modality was that sometimes talk therapy doesn't always work and by focusing on the emotions in the body they can be healed and released.

Then she did Biodynamics by Gerda Boyesen. 

In this same chapter a book called: The Healing Power of Illness sheds insight on the symbolic value of physical illness. I haven't read that either but it sounds interesting.

So I hope there's something in here that's useful. You said therapy wasn't helpful but there are so many other things out there to try so don't give up! You WILL get through this. All problems are blessing in disguise and you're never given more than you can handle. Just put on foot in front of the other and things will get better sooner than you think. 

If you ever need to chat feel free to message me :thumbsup:

 

Edited by durandalblue
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Welcome Mr. "Empty Feeling",

You are very welcome here in our forum.

Depression has taught me that feeling empty is perfectly normal and natural.

The trick is to put this metaphorical emptiness to use.

I like using a cave metaphor to deal with my depression.

The deep, dark, vast, seemingly empty cave is always there but I don't have to take up long-term residence but sometimes I need temporary shelter.

Check out many posts for support and insights.

We are here for each other.

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Well Hello ThatEmptyFeeling, first let me welcome you to our forum, there are many here that understand what your going through. Second let me say I am glad you changed your mind about ending it all. When I was a teen and early twenties I attempted suicide on a few occasions but I failed. I'm glad I did fail because suicide is just to final of a thing and theres no coming back from it. I have been suffering from severe depression since I was a little boy, (I was severely molested) and it's just something you never get used to, I'm now 48. I know that empty feeling all too well and the anger inside and the numbness. I blamed myself for a long time for what happened, but I finally realized that it wasn't my fault. Now not a day goes by that I don't think about ending all this pain and despair, but then I think about how much I want to live, but not in the way that I am now. Medication helps some and I too gave up therapy. It is so hard to live with the pain, depression and despair that we live with, but then we go on as best we can. So I will just tell you this. I understand your pain, but it doesn't mean that it will always be this way. Are you on any medication that might help? For now just hang in there, much better days could be right around the corner and you don't won't to miss that. Please continue to post about yourself and your "story" and we will be glad to listen...Be Good to Yourself...

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Wow! Really amazed by the positive responses here...! <3 I obviously wasn't having the best day when I made my account yesterday. ._.

@durandalblue Thanks! When you said 

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So welcome to the forum, now you have way more than just 1 online friend :)

That really made me feel better... I can't believe there were already three lovely people that wanted to help! ^^

I'll have to check out those books. I'm not much of a reader, though... 

@Oscar K

Thanks to you as well! What you said

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The deep, dark, vast, seemingly empty cave is always there but I don't have to take up long-term residence but sometimes I need temporary shelter.

That's SO true!! Like, people who don't have depression probably can't understand this, but... I get it so much!

@quentin360

Aww... I'm sorry to hear what happened to you. Thanks for being supportive! 

No, I'm not on any meds. I refuse to take anything. When I was really little, my mom (who was slightly overweight), was always saying that she was 98 lbs before she got put on anti-depressants. Now, she's like 170 (? If I had to guess?) and she can't lose the weight. As someone suffering with an eating disorder, taking pills that will make me fat is a no-no. Like, it terrifies me! ._.

Oh, and I'm a girl if anyone cares. ^^

Also, can I ask you all for advice? Something that's made my depression waaaaay worse this last week is some stuff that happened at my work. 

This guy that sexually harassed me at my old job, got hired at my current job and won't leave me alone! But he hasn't said or done anything inappropriate at this job, so I don't know what to do?? 

Also, this other guy that works at my job (who I thought was my friend), said some... really inappropriate comments to me. I could report him for what he said, but... I thought we were friends?? :(

Like, he's married, and I try to make friends with all my co-workers. So, I don't understand... I don't know what to do, because if I report him, it will hurt his feelings. But... I want to run away from him when I see him! D: 

After all this happened (with these two guys), I got home, and some stuff was happening at home, so I got really mad and was hitting myself a lot yesterday... :/

I guess I shouldn't punish myself for these two guys, but... I'm so angry and scared. :(

I want to hide in my room and not come out. Any advice...?

 

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May I say something in regard to the anorexic issue?  When I was in my late teens/early twenties, I was what I have since come to understand as being "almost anorexic".  I'm your height, and I couldn't have gotten below 106 lbs had I tried.  Had I eaten any less, I would have had zero energy for my schoolwork or sports.  But it was low enough to make me vulnerable to two serious illnesses I contracted.  It took me a year to recover.  Obviously, that height in and of itself doesn't say it all, since there are different body shapes, muscle mass, etc.  But I have to tell you, and I say this with the utmost support, 97 lbs is a very low weight, to put it in plain terms.  Please take care of yourself.  Please eat.  I'm saying this out of concern not judgement.

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I just read the "guys" part.  First off, for godssake, stop punishing yourself by hitting yourself for the harmful behaviour that these guys have inflicted on you.  That makes things so much worse.  They are responsible for their own behaviour, which is harassment.  Their behaviour is not your fault.  Only you know the subtleties of what's going on at your workplace.  But you need to find a way to protect yourself from them in the meantime.  I don't know what steps there are at your workplace, but a big, fat NO! comes to mind when they're in the midst of harassing you.  They're treating you like garbage and not with the respect that you have a right to and deserve.  I think, based on what little you've written, that you're worrying too much about this married guy's feelings and not enough about your own welfare.  At the very least, keep your eye out for the first guy who had previously harassed you.  Good grief, and here I thought that things had changed since the 70s.  I'm hoping someone with experience with harassment at work can help you better.  But hang in there.

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Sorry for the Mr. part.

There is always a way out of the depression/cave no matter how deep we may find ourselves.

Actually the way in is the way out metaphorically speaking of course.

Stick with us and stick with yourself.

You will find the strength and courage to get through this ordeal.

This forum has been a Godsend to me and countless others.

You are not alone now!

 

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TRIGGER WARNING - THIS POST DISCUSSES EATING DISORDERS

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@gs22

Thanks for your concern. Seriously... it's nice to know that somebody cares.

I would eat more... but. When it started, I was depressed and therefore, lost my appetite. That always happens when I get depressed... I never get hungry when I'm depressed.

But anyhow, I started eating "meal replacement' shakes for breakfast because I was not hungry. Also, I get very stressed at work so I felt sick to my stomach all the time. So, then I started eating shakes for lunch, too, because I was too nervous and stressed to eat properly. 

I notice that I was loosing weight, and it made me happy because my mom always told me that she was [weight omitted] and she's two inches taller than me! I was [weight omitted] when it started...

Now, I don't eat breakfast or lunch when I'm working. I don't eat until dinner, and I'm not even hungry anymore. On my days off I sometimes eat "normal", but even that's not right because I have no appetite. ._.

But, on the plus side, I'm starting not to hate my body as much. I feel less like "bloated" and ugly...

And it's not like anything bad has happened... 

But...

I know it's probably not very good... :S

As for the guys, this married guy... well, what he said was.... first, he asked if I had a boyfriend. The guy that harassed me asked me that, too, but this guy didn't raise any red flags because he's always so friendly and out-going to everyone! He's well-liked by the whole workplace, so... I just blushed and said "no" or whatever because I'm super shy and could hardly believe he was talking to me! I'm kind of a nobody at my workplace. In fact, that's a whole other story.

Anyhow, he says to me a few days ago "Hey, so can you keep a secret?" and I'm like "...yeah?". Then he's all like "So, I'm married, but..." and then proceeds to comment on how he likes my body. 

THEN the red flag goes up and I'm thinking in my head "Hold on an minute... I thought we were friends...? You're married... You don't.... like me, right?"

Then he says "Shh. Don't tell anyone."

Well, I'm super shy and introverted. Like, I barely talk to anyone at my workplace. So, I didn't say anything... but now I'm worried. D:

Also, there's no manager on site here. Like, my boss doesn't actually WORK at the place. They work at a whole bunch of places, so they're not there on a regular basis. 

I'm a little scared because I have to go into areas where there are no other people... what if theses dudes follow me?! Like, I'm really worried about it. X_X

But, I said I would keep it a secret...... 

Oh, and btw, this guy is like 20 years or more older than me. D: Creepy, huh? Actually, both guys are, but I KNOW the one guy is a creep... If that guy said anything, I'd report him and he'd get fired again for sure. 

@Oscar K

I want to like your other post, but apparently I've "run out" of likes for today! Sorry! But thanks again for your support. ^^ It really does mean a lot... 

 

Edited by 20YearsandCounting
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Okay, first things first.  What happens to the brain when you start eating less, is that it begins to shut down.  It sends signals to your stomach, prematurely, that you're full.  You get used to eating less, as you've said, and it becomes increasingly difficult to start eating more.  It's been said that, the less you eat, the less you feel like eating; the more you eat, the more you feel like eating.  It's been proven scientifically.  You seem to fit the bill with this, as I once did.  You need to increase your eating gradually.  Just try it.  According to the height/weight chart, you should be somewhere in the 120lb range; if you work out, as I do, it could be as high as 130 lbs.  I've built a fair amount of muscle over the years, which comes with time and a hell of a lot of effort.  I know that the 120 lbs sounds high, but it's actually still a little on the lower side.  Just to give you an idea of where you ought to be for a healthy weight.  You need to exercise.  Why? Because you will feel more confident about your body and about yourself and your life in general.  Trust me.  It doesn't matter what it is, what kind of sport, activity.  You get bored, change it. 

Your mother's weight has nothing to do with you and what's healthy for you.  It may interest you to know that my mother was once the 106 lbs I told you about.  And . . . she was also two inches taller than me.  Eh? You are you, no one else.  You have your own body and you must take care of it.  That whole idea of treating it like a temple, ain't such a bad idea.  Being physically fit will help you with posture and make you come across as a confident person--regardless of how you actually feel.  That will ward off these types of guys. It's amazing what aura I give off, and I'm of small stature.  It actually surprises me.

That married man is trouble.  Period.  I don't care how popular this guy is and who likes him.  I don't  like him.  I tell this to anyone who will listen:  trust yourself, trust your gut.  It does not lie.  Stay away from him.  He's not putting your better interest first.  He is self-interested and quite frankly, disgusting.  Between those two men who are harassing you, there's little to choose from.  They're taking advantage of the fact that you're nice.  It's old news and I never like hearing it.  I can't go to your workplace to tell these creeps off; but remember that you have us here who understand and will listen to you. 

 

 

 

 

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Hey I just read your post and I want to say first of all Welcome, second you have no reason to feel ashamed of going to the Internet for help, and third, you sound like a good person and you are clearly a smart person, so please don't harm yourself.

Don't have much else to say...

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