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Natasha1

Bipolar "Disorder" - Gift or Punishment?

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Sometimes I think that my Bipolar is a gift. So much good comes out of it when I'm on an "Up." I have recently gotten feedback from a lot of DF members telling me how I help them, how I add light (whoa, what? really????); both on the boards and PM.

I get so much done when I'm not sleeping. This goes for when I'm on a "Fall" too - less gets done but I struggle more. I still don't sleep though it is more likely that sleep happens when I'm Falling.

When I'm on an Up I am able to help people more. I've recently gone through hell on earth and issues with my Dad's death have decided to pipe up (shut up, brain!!) It's so frustrating when I'm Falling, but I found that if I force myself to help more, it helps me go on.

But how much does it help when I'm in that state? Am I just covering up and avoiding what is affecting me or the disorder itself when it decides to scream in my ears, and takes over my ability to stay away from my eating disorder? When I'm like that I don't want to feed my body - I prefer to feed my soul; but how productive or healthy is that? It can actually be quite brutal and wonderful at the same time. The infamous double edged sword.

On and Up or Falling sometimes inspires me to write, but my writing really sucks and can be quite negative. How does that help me or anyone else? I suppose I'm getting stuff out, but that's one-sided isn't it?

What am I saying? What am I asking? I'm not sure. Maybe it really is just as simple as the title: is this disorder a gift or punishment?

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I feel like it is a horrible punishment, I get crippling depression for no apparent reason out of know where that I can't even explain.I threaten to off myself so many times and told people when I was feeling really bad. Then the mania can feel good, my sex drive gets really high I feel superior to everyone and can get more done but I also end up enraged to the point where I feel like punching any one i see in the face I have came on here a few times during fits of rage and there is nothing to say that makes it go away. If I am open about how I feel I end up isolated if im not I have people telling me to open up.

I guess some parts can be gift, not feeling fatigued, being more creative etc

I have borderline to and that is a whole other thing to deal with especially with bipolar.

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The manic part is a gift and the depressed part is a punishment.  When I'm manic I can run across the country 10 times in a year but when I'm depressed I can't do anything.  The pills make you feel nothing.  They don't make you feel normal.  They make you feel nothing.  There is no worse feeling than feeling nothing.  Unfortunately the people handing out the pills feel nothing so they think that is normal.

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I think I am with scienceguy being Bipolar is hell, it's definitely feels like a punishment to me as the length of time I am manic always seems very short and then the depressed part seems to go on for ages. The manic bit gives me boundless energy, I suddenly start doing all sorts of projects that I never finish, I start talking to everyone and being really sociable, and my sex drive goes off the scale, then all of a sudden I will crash and end up feeling overwhelming depressed instead and I expend an enormous amount of energy on just staying alive. 

The creative energetic bits just don't last long enough for me to outweigh the negatives. 

Edited by hocico

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i think thats why i write. small projects ladting no more than 15 minutes. sometimes ill finish multiple poems because i usually go more than 15 minutes.

we are questioning whether or not i am truly bipolar at this point so i dont even know anymore.

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1 hour ago, Natasha1 said:

i think thats why i write. small projects ladting no more than 15 minutes. sometimes ill finish multiple poems because i usually go more than 15 minutes.

we are questioning whether or not i am truly bipolar at this point so i dont even know anymore.

You could be "soft" bipolar - bipolar II or bipolar NOS. It sounds like you've gone through a decent amount of hypomania/ mania, so I can see why you are questioning the bipolar idea. Have you ever tried anything like Abilify? I don't particularly "like" that class of drugs, but they're not bad when taken at low doses and, besides, we're willing to try anything when desperate. Something like Latuda should stabilize your moods and help with the depression part. I don't know. Just throwing stuff out there.

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This might sound stupid but I kind of wish I could be manic or preferably, hypomanic, right now. After a multi-year stretch of chronic, unyielding, severe anxiety/ depression, I would welcome an oasis in the desert.

I know, be careful what you wish for. Also, the "grass is always greener on the other side of the fence." And also, the crash would probably feel much worse after the "high." So I guess I'm just thinking out loud right now. It's just that right now I feel like I would welcome any form of improvement. 

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24 minutes ago, standup said:

You could be "soft" bipolar - bipolar II or bipolar NOS. It sounds like you've gone through a decent amount of hypomania/ mania, so I can see why you are questioning the bipolar idea. Have you ever tried anything like Abilify? I don't particularly "like" that class of drugs, but they're not bad when taken at low doses and, besides, we're willing to try anything when desperate. Something like Latuda should stabilize your moods and help with the depression part. I don't know. Just throwing stuff out there.

yes bpii een though it hasnt been said out loud. pdoc at one time sad i cross over both so he wasnt sure but i lean towards ii

i am on abilify as part of my cocktail and it may be increased due to my paranoia so im waiting on that.

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2 minutes ago, Natasha1 said:

yes bpii een though it hasnt been said out loud. pdoc at one time sad i cross over both so he wasnt sure but i lean towards ii

i am on abilify as part of my cocktail and it may be increased due to my paranoia so im waiting on that.

Not sure what's available to you in Canada, but Rexulti is a descendant of Abilify. Some might call it a "patent extender" but from what I can gather, it's actually an improvement over Abilify. It supposedly works pretty fast, is better for the depression part, and has fewer side effects....I just started it a couple days ago. This is the only time I've ever been on a drug that's on patent, all thanks to samples and eventually Medicaid (that comes from Obamacare that clown Donald Trump wants to get rid of).

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1 minute ago, Natasha1 said:

yes i guess that would be it.

DF is a great place but in my opinion, there are other boards that go into greater detail when it comes to specific issues regarding bipolar disorder and medications, in general. There's a whole section for bipolar spectrum disorder over at crazyboards.org and psychcentral is another good one. There are others. Maybe take a look and see if you can find any good info. You might get more detailed responses if you started a thread called "Rapid Cycling Bipolar II" over at crazyboards. The posters there just seem to be pretty knowledgeable about specifics, while DF is more of a general support board. 

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thank you so much for the suggestion @standup...my issue is change and i could never leave here. i would need to fo that as i already spend too much time onlin and if i join other boards ill either be online 24/7 which i cant or i will get overwhelmed. 

and i dont even know what my diagnosis really is at this point.

Edited by Natasha1
spelling again

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22 hours ago, hocico said:

I think I am with scienceguy being Bipolar is hell, it's definitely feels like a punishment to me as the length of time I am manic always seems very short and then the depressed part seems to go on for ages. The manic bit gives me boundless energy, I suddenly start doing all sorts of projects that I never finish, I start talking to everyone and being really sociable, and my sex drive goes off the scale, then all of a sudden I will crash and end up feeling overwhelming depressed instead and I expend an enormous amount of energy on just staying alive. 

The creative energetic bits just don't last long enough for me to outweigh the negatives. 

Oh my. Reading this just made me think that I do / feel a lot like that -_-. At times got so much energy, start doing things, focus on them (almost too deeply and too much commitment). And then got the times when nothing seems worthwhile. Or.. if not that bad, at least it takes enormous amounts of effort to get myself doing anything. And just like you, more of those 'low seasons'. 

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