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Sign. A sign of discontent


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I can't stand my own complaining anymore. I'm sick of waiting, "I'm tired", "I've had enough", or "I'm done with". I just want everything to start making sense, to feel like I'm making progress towards university, towards anything. 

 

I really want to talk to someone. Really. I do. But there's something inside of me that won't let me. The voice that narrates my life, the one that says "You're not good enough", "There's nothing 'wrong' with you. You're just useless". The word 'You' goes from being an almost meaningless pronoun, to loaded with such negative connotations. Except I'm the only one that sees them.

 

Everything is starting to ache, I'm not sure if its just because I'm physically ill, or because my mind is starting to slow down. Slowing to such a pace that I don't want to do anything anymore. I have no motivation for work, revision, attempts to understand. Despite the fact that's all I really want. To understand my work, but also to understand something with a little more importance. Me.

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I think getting to know one's self can be difficult.  I don't believe that you are useless.  I think that part of you doesn't believe that either.  You wouldn't be here trying to get better if you were useless.  A useless person doesn't put forth effort in progressing, particularly not when they feel they aren't gaining ground.  You feel as though you can't reach your goal and yet you continue to try. That's strength not weakness.  That's determination and someone who wants to get better not someone unworthy of others.

I think if it's an option you might consider seeing a therapist.  I've been in therapy regularly for about 3 years with a few different therapists.  It's taken time but it has helped me immensely.  Am I cured?  No, I don't think there is such a thing.  But, I am better able to handle things and as I keep going I believe it will get better.  I believe that things will get better for you as well.

Take Care of Yourself

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