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GoldenOne

I don't think I'll ever get better

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I feel hopeless all the time. There is not a second during the day where I think to myself that things will be alright one day - hopelessness is part of the core symptoms of my illness. While some of the other symptoms vary in degree, the hopelessness is pretty much always stable.

In therapy I talk a lot about the issues I have concerning my self esteem. My sense of self is destroyed. I don't see anything positive about myself, no matter what other people say. 

Lately I have been wondering if I will ever be able to like myself. I feel unlovable. I feel hopeless. I feel like there is nothing I can do to change my situation; to make myself lovable. There are certain parts of me that I just can't live with. Certain parts of my looks especially. I feel like I will never be able to live with how certain parts of my body looks. My body is destroyed I feel. And there is nothing I can do. I feel hopeless. No matter how much I try to like myself, the reminder of how my body looks to me is always there, keeping me down. Preventing me from liking myself. I feel helpless. I would really like to feel good about myself, but I don't see how I can do that with the way I look. It makes me suicidal.

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I feel you. Been dealing with depression for about 20 years now and absolutely hate the way I look and act, I hate everything about myself and don't think that any amount of therapy or medication will ever change that. I need a new body and a new mind, I can't be fixed. It's frustrating to feel this helpless. You're not alone. 

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I am sorry you going thru this pain. It is a heavy burden. I am going thru the same issues.

I see hope that maybe you can too. You have given your pain a voice instead of sitting right now silently in paIn. There was a time when all I did was cry, I didn't have words.

I read a quote: Don't count the flowers in the garden, but the seeds that you plant.

Take great csre of you. Wishing you hope today.

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 Your words speak louder than looks. When I read your post I see a person who is beautiful and full of kindness. I see a person who deserves love, respect and happiness. Therefore, please know that looks mean nothing, its whats inside that matters. With that being said, I care about you and so does everyone on this site. I really hope you are doing OK GoldenOne.

Edited by ComputerLove

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I myself seek purpose to draw myself off the accursed want of vanity. Day after day I drag myself from slumber to spend another awake cycle in search of it. You just need to come to terms with the fact you want something you simply can't have and pack that away to work with what you've got.

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I think self hatred or lack of self love are the most difficult things to heal in depression because (and this is a generalization) we who are depressed tend to be our own harshest critics.  I've been in increasing physical pain over a period of years, and finally I went to a kinesiologist who does "energy" and "touch" (a fingertip here, two fingers, there) work.  I came to him because I was getting no help from western medicine, and was tired of popping a handful of supplements to help me sleep--and thought I'd give this guy a try.  No, there have been no miraculous results thus far.  But he did put his finger on (as it were) an imbalance in my endocrine system, and his biggest revelation was that I am full of rage.  I would have said, sure, I'm angry sometimes, but RAGE?  I don't think so.

So, I've been thinking about it since my 9/29 visit and I realize I have rage against myself for everything I'm not; for everything I might have done but didn't; for the fact that my pain is increasing over years instead of diminishing.  But my increase in pain may also be attributed to that anger turned inward.  I thought anger turned inward was what depression was all about, but it's also what some pain is about.   My pain, I believe, has a great deal to do with anger directed at myself. 

We have to find ways of coping, and unfortunately, some of us cope by blaming instead of forgiving ourselves.  Forgive yourself for everything you think you're not.  I used to have plants about 150 years ago, and talking to them actually helped them flourish.  So now (as ridiculous as it may sound) I've started meditating on and even talking to my cells.  It can't hurt.

My point is, this sadness; this feeling that you're not good enough, will never be good enough and that your body is destroyed can only hurt you more, not just emotionally but physically.  Do you trust your therapist?  Do you ever leave a session feeling better?  About anything?  

Our culture is completely obsessed with appearance, and those of us who are imperfect tend only to see that which we would change, and see that change as impossible.  I have the mirror in my bedroom covered as we speak.  I go through periods when I feel better about myself than others, and this past month has been one of those bad periods--hence the towel over the mirror.  Will I never accept myself as I am?  I'm told that's the first step to freedom from this obsession.  Will I ever get there?  I don't know.  But every day that I come here, I find people who listen, understand and care.  

Keep coming back.

All hope and light to you --

WOTL    

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